Chapter 2
A Note to Daughters…and Their Mothers

One of the biggest patriarchal lies is that of the “perfect” woman (and it, obviously, includes mothers and daughters). This lie is the cause of so much intergenerational pain, dysfunction, and violence.

If you are a mother who is struggling, who worries that maybe you are a “difficult mother,” the good news is that your daughter cannot ease your pain with her validation or her forgiveness. Why is this good news? Because you don’t have to rely on her to feel better. What I wish most for you is the ability to validate and forgive yourself.

If you are a daughter whose mother was unwilling or unable to be who you needed her to be, my heart goes out to you. I’m guessing that deep down inside, without realizing it, she was terrified of being burnt at the stake, drowned, or stoned (whether literally—like women were centuries ago—or figuratively like they are today) for not being perfect as defined by others. This is collective trauma.

The unconscious fear and collective trauma can be what causes a mother to become abusive, addicted, or mentally ill…or to simply squash her daughter’s desires to express and be her true self. It’s not necessarily the trauma itself, but rather the belief that trauma is shameful and needs to be hidden that destroys lives.

So you may be wanting an apology or an acknowledgment that may or may not come. Or you may believe there’s nothing your mother could ever do or say to undo your pain.

The good news is that your mother cannot ease your pain with an apology. Why is this good news? Because you do not have to wait for her apology to feel better. If you believe your happiness is only possible as the result of your mother’s admission of guilt, she still has power over you. What I wish for most for you is the ability to take yourself on to your own lap and ease your own pain.

As women we have access to an infinite collective maternal energy that encompasses kindness, fierceness, compassion, and wisdom and it’s that which gives us the ability to re-mother ourselves.

Take my hand…