Chapter 8
You Are a Courageous, Conscious Creator

I once worked with a young woman who grew up in a chaotic and abusive family, much like I did. She told me that she’d noticed that chaos and “reaction” felt normal—safe even—and that she was frustrated because she craved healthy routine and peace.

In the moment she recognized this and took a moment to write it down, she stopped reacting and started responding.

She created a moment of awareness. She created a moment of peace.

And then (she said), she bounced back into chaos…and frustration.

This is normal. This is human. When our brains are used to one way of being, and they’re introduced to a new way of being, they will tend to bounce back to what they’re used to.

For those of us who grow up in chaos, chaos can feel normal and familiar.

With courage, devotion, creativity, and practice, we can transform from being reactionary, frustrated daughters who sometimes find patience and peace…into patient, peaceful women who are—from time to time—reactionary and frustrated.

It’s in those reactionary and frustrated moments that we can breathe and place our hands over our hearts, even if just for a moment.

(Consciously create peace for yourself: hands-over-heart is a simple and quick way to calm the amygdala—a.k.a. our “lizard brain”—which is responsible for the fight/flight/freeze reaction.)

Conscious creativity (which takes place in the prefrontal cortex) is the opposite of fear (which takes place in the amygdala).

The more aware you become, the more you recognize that you now have a choice and that you have preferences—you get to create what you would prefer.

Sometimes what you prefer will be at odds with what you unconsciously create. Sometimes you will stumble and feel awkward. Sometimes you won’t be able to “out-think” your negative thoughts, and nor should you. This isn’t about being “happy-happy-joy-joy” all the damned time. No. That’s a recipe for chronic anxiety.

Your power lies in consciousness—in knowing that it doesn’t matter whether you create chaos or peace in any given moment.

Your power lies in knowing that you, in fact, created.

You might say to yourself, “But I shouldn’t create chaos for myself! I should create peace!”

Rather than beat yourself up for what you have created, revel in the contrast of what’s possible.

Something to consider: When you were a child, you didn’t have as much of a choice as you do now. What was created for you, and modeled for you, was powerful then, but it’s not as powerful as your now-conscious mind.

Something to journal on: What do you want to create? Write—stream-of-consciousness-style—for fifteen minutes about all the things you’d love to create. Nothing is off-limits. You can create things, emotions, states of being, relationships…don’t censor yourself.

Something to practice: Pick something from the list and practice creating it. Think of the result, then ask yourself: “What actions do I need to take in order to have that result?” Then ask yourself: “How do I need to feel in order to take that action?” And then ask yourself: “What do I need to believe in order to feel that way?” You are now consciously creating.