Chapter 11
Deactivate Your Triggers, Unbutton Your Buttons, and Pluck Out Those Thorns
Remember the email from my mother I told you about in Chapter 9? The one she sent in regard to my grandmother’s trust?
I am going to use that example to teach this concept. Here—expletives not deleted—is what went through my head (and came out of my mouth when I shared with a friend), right after I received that email from her:
So this morning, she sent me an email asking if I have to dip into the principal of my grandmother’s trust to keep her at the nursing home, or if there are enough dividends generated by her holdings to pay for her care.
I decided to email my contact at the investment house and ask her to help me answer the question. I wanted to have my facts lined up. I didn’t hear back from her today, but had planned on responding to my mother when I got the appropriate answer.
This evening, my mother wrote again and asked if I had an answer—or did I have to check with my husband or my grandmother’s lawyer. I was pissed. She thinks I’m an idiot who couldn’t possibly figure this out on her own.
Besides…I don’t have to jump when she says jump. F**k you, mom. So next, I emailed the lawyer and asked if I am legally obligated to respond to her original question? It’s not that I don’t want to respond, but I don’t want to be manipulated or strong-armed into it.
F**k. I know this is all a big story. And I am still looking for permission outside of myself to tell me that I don’t have to keep up this charade with this woman! My f**king mother! Anger. Yes, I am angry! I’ve been allowing myself anger from time to time (really truly allowing myself to feel it and express it…not to her…no need to do that), but not enough to cut it off for good, because then the guilt takes over and I think I should be evolved enough…I should be able to manage my mind enough…to love her even when she f**king pushes my f**king buttons. And then I beat myself up for having the f*king button in the first place.
I am betting you can relate on some level. Here’s how to slow it all down, and start to make sense of all the crap swirling in your head.
But first let me say this: I believe that we all have a unique essence. Some call it a soul. It’s what makes us, us. It’s the pure core of us. As we live, learn, and grow, we develop identifies and beliefs that inform how we experience and relate to the world outside of us.
Very rarely are we taught, either on purpose or by what our parents and other teachers model, how to consciously create the way we experience and relate to the world.
As I mentioned early on in this book, I have studied and learned from many teachers in the coaching and personal development fields.
Here is how I distill what I’ve learned:
Circumstances and situations are the things that happen in the world around us that we can’t control: the weather, our past, and other people’s actions and behavior. Circumstances and situations are factual and neutral, without judgment.
Example: “My mother sent me an email.”
Thoughts are the opinions and judgments that constantly run through our minds. Sometimes we’re aware of them, but often we aren’t. Sometimes we consciously choose thoughts about the circumstances in our lives, but oftentimes our more unconscious beliefs and identity are running the show.
Example: “She’s picking a fight with me,” “She thinks I’m stupid,” “I’m an idiot who couldn’t possibly figure this out on my own,” and “I don’t have to jump when she says jump.”
Our conscious and unconscious thoughts create our beliefs and identity.
Beliefs and Identity are the state of mind in which we think something to be the case, based on who we believe ourselves to be, with or without there being empirical evidence to prove that something is the case with factual certainty. We are sometimes unconscious to our beliefs.
Example: If my mother is angry at me, I might die (and yes, this sounds very dramatic, but bear with me). I am her victim (that’s the identity piece). I am a pathetic loser.
While our thoughts help us form our beliefs and identity, our beliefs and identity continue to inform how and what we think; how we interpret circumstances and experiences, and how we feel about them. They are the lens through which we view the world. We often think our identities are set in stone and unchangeable.
Emotions (or feelings) are energy in motion—literal vibrations that we experience in our bodies—and they are often related to the thoughts we’re thinking, what we believe about ourselves and others, and the identities we’ve carved out for ourselves (refer back to Chapter 9 for more on emotions).
Example: feeling spitting angry because I believe my mother thinks I’m stupid.
Our emotions often inform how we act and behave.
Actions refer to behavior, reaction, or inaction, and they’re often driven by our needs and feelings.
Example: passive/aggressive treatment of my mother, bitching and moaning to my husband, bitching and moaning to my friends, and emailing the lawyer with righteous indignation.
We take action to meet our needs.
Needs are the things all people must have to survive. Common needs include autonomy (being able to choose dreams, goals, and values and plans for fulfilling them), celebration, integrity, interdependence (connection, love, belonging, respect, trust, understanding), physical nurturance (air, food, movement, safety, rest, shelter, touch, water, sexual expression), play, spiritual communion, growth, and contribution. (There are many resources on the subject of human needs. The list of needs I included here comes from Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication process.)
When we’re aware of and honoring and meeting our needs, our actions reflect it. Our actions also reflect when our needs are not being met. Sometimes needs collide.
Example: My actions (as described above) reflected a misguided attempt to meet my need for integrity and autonomy. And, if I am honest, my perceived need to be right about my mother!
Outcomes and results are the effects of our actions.
Example: I was not in the driver’s seat of my own life, because I am choosing to live in reaction to my mother—and having friends who dread my phone calls.
Our outcomes and results provide evidence.
Evidence is the available information indicating whether a belief or proposition is true or valid.
Example: I didn’t have an answer for my mother. I had to ask my contact at the bank and my grandmother’s lawyer for the answer. See? I am pathetic and stupid.
Our outcomes and results tend to provide evidence for, and prove, our thoughts and beliefs. When we believe what we think, we automatically feel and act as if its true, and then we react in ways that get the results that tend to prove us right. This is why our minds can be so tricky. Of course we believe our experiences. But we fail to appreciate that it was not the only possible outcome.
Taking the time to slow it all down and see each component helps us become much more aware of the impact each component has on our lives. From there we can become more intentional with how we create our lives.
Something to consider: We might not be able to change our circumstances, but we can question and interrupt our beliefs, identity, thoughts, and patterns. Here are some powerful pattern-interrupting questions:
“Who am I when I ________?” (Identity)
“Who do I want to be when I _________?” (Identity)
“What am I making that circumstance mean?” (Thoughts)
“Why am I choosing to think this way right now?” (Beliefs)
“Am I acting from the belief that I am safe or that I am in danger?” (Actions & Beliefs)
“What happens when I respond this way instead of that way?” (Results)
“What need am I trying to meet?” (Needs)
“What need might she be trying to meet? (Needs)
“What does this outcome seem to prove?” (Evidence)
Something to journal on: Choose a recent interaction with your mother and break it down as I did in the example above. It doesn’t matter where you start. Sometimes it’s easier to notice how you feel and put that down first. The components I described above, in the order in which I used them, are:
Something else to consider: This isn’t about (immediately) changing your thoughts, beliefs, and identity—or trying to be someone you are not. Rather, it’s about being conscious and aware. When you see the connection, it may be tempting to want to change your thoughts (i.e., “positive affirmations”) so that you can feel better. This can backfire when it doesn’t seem to work, especially with beliefs that seem to be deeply entrenched, or an identity that you may think is just part of your makeup. Thoughts like:
There’s an interesting connection between the desire to stop thinking negative thoughts and the ability to stop thinking negative thoughts. Here’s how it works. You notice yourself feeling like crap and you realize there must be a negative thought rolling around in your brain. If you’re anything like me, you see the pattern. Then you go into “change-that-thought” mode.
But “changing your thoughts” reactively like this is really just another form of resistance, judgment, and avoidance because underneath those negative thoughts are other thoughts like “I shouldn’t think that,” or “It’s so deeply entrenched,” or “Ugh, I hate that I have these negative thoughts.”
We judge those thoughts and thus ourselves, as “bad.” The only truth about consistent, pernicious thoughts is that our brains have gotten really good at thinking them. That’s it. Our brains love to be efficient and they don’t care if those thoughts hurt us. That doesn’t make us bad, it actually means our brains are working as intended!
It is possible to change thoughts and beliefs and to let go of identities that no longer serve us, and the first step is awareness. It then becomes a practice. Rather than trying to force it, be kind to yourself and let the process happen naturally and organically.
So, let me say that again: The only reason you continue to think a negative thought is because your brain has gotten good at it. And that’s so good to know, because it also means that your brain can get good at thinking other, more helpful thoughts, just as easily. That thought itself is helpful in dispelling the notion that some thoughts are more deeply entrenched than others, which tends to send the message that they’re going to be harder to get rid of.
So rather than resisting, trying to change, judging, or pushing away the thoughts that don’t feel good, just notice them. Watch when those unwelcome thoughts show up, rather than beating yourself up for having them.