Chapter 12
A Quick Note about Our
Little-Girl Brains

Dear Karen,

Why am I so afraid of my mother being disappointed in me?

Signed, —many women I’ve met

* * *

This question is near and dear to my own fearful little-girl heart.

Here’s the short answer: we are afraid of our mothers being disappointed in us because in the ancient part of our little-girl brains we (unconsciously) believe that if she’s disappointed in us, we will die.

A couple of years ago I uncovered a long-held unconscious belief: “My mother has the power to destroy me. And if she can destroy me, then anyone can.”

Thought: I can be destroyed

Emotion: terror

Action: none; or changing and bending and contorting to prevent destruction

The older I get and the more people I talk to, the more I know that pretty much everyone has some version of this thought. I’ve spent a lot of my life reacting to this thought and/or trying to resist or push the terror away.

Once I became aware of how this thought-emotion-behavior pattern was showing up all over my life I decided to just let it be there. And slowly, over the course of a couple of months, the fear started to melt away…and the belief that I can be destroyed started to wither and die. What once was etched in stone is now ghostly…sort of like something written on an Etch-a-Sketch and then shaken off.

So it’s important to understand how our brains work, because you are so not alone when it comes to your fears. I am not a brain expert, so I consulted with Dr. Google and a colleague (Lana Bastianutti) who has a degree in psychology, among other qualifications.

There are three parts of the brain that are pertinent to this discussion: the amygdala (a.k.a. the ancient “lizard” brain), the hippocampus (a.k.a. the “mammalian” brain), and the prefrontal cortex (a.k.a. the “human” brain).

I love this description from the Know Your Brain—Armed with Science website: “The amygdala is the stress evaluator. It continuously monitors all situations for danger and decides when to react. The sights, sounds and smells of frightening and dangerous memories are stored there. When the brain recognizes similar situations, the amygdala sends out danger signals and gets the body ready for a flight-or-fight response.” It is associated with reactive and reflexive action, and it avoids hazards.

And as I said above, it is that ancient part of our brains that needs Mommy to love us because if she doesn’t love us, if she’s disappointed, our very lives might be at risk. She may decide she doesn’t want to feed and care for us anymore.

So even though we’re full-grown adults in charge of our own lives, that pesky amygdala has us being vigilant regarding our mothers’ approval, validation, and love.

Lana says, “Problems arise when we think that the amygdala (1) represents who we are; (2) dictates what we must do; and (3) is in charge. We think that we have no choice. None of that is true.”

The hippocampus is involved in the storage of long-term memory, which includes all past knowledge and experiences. It’s how we are able, for example, to brush our teeth without really thinking about it. If it were part of a computer, it would be the hard drive. It is also part of the limbic system, which regulates emotion.

Then there’s the prefrontal cortex, which is the large part of the brain sitting right behind your forehead. This is the executive-functioning area responsible for rational thought problem-solving, and decision-making. In the computer analogy, this is the central processing unit running the programs. It is all about abstract thought, language, empathy, cooperation, and social cognition.

Lana continues: “Within the higher brain resides the capacity to discern and decide, reason and rationalize, all of which lays the foundation for choice and responsibility. At this level, we have the ability to override anything that the lower brain suggests simply by activating our higher brain functioning. Most of us don’t know this. Most of us walk around blindly listening to our lizard brain as it chatters away directing us to seek relief for our discomfort, unaware of the havoc it creates in its wake. We’ve unwittingly left little room for our higher brain to kick in and kick out the potentially destructive thoughts and habits encouraged by our lower brain.”

“More importantly,” she adds, “we’ve left little room for ur true selves to be revealed. Who we really are resides beyond thought. Who we really are remains constant the whole of our lives. Who we really are remains unaffected by thought and belief and memory and habit and opinion and preference and experience. Who we really are, at our highest level, radiates a love and compassion, wisdom and common sense that is utterly devoid of color or creed or religion or gender or orientation. Who we really are lives within all of us.”

Don’t be afraid of fear. Just notice it.