Most women I work with believe that as long as they are not actively engaged with their mother, they are okay. It’s only when they have to interact with her that they find themselves reacting, seemingly not able to “control” themselves.
I like to use the Superman analogy: We are powerful agents in our own lives, and our mothers are Kryptonite. When we’re around them, they seem to steal our power!
So the question becomes: Who do you want to be—not only in your relationship to your mother—but in your life? How do you want to feel? How do you want to show up? Do you like and respect who you are most of the time?
On some level, you know your mother isn’t going to change (or maybe she will, but you can’t count on it), yet you act as if she will. What might happen if you focused on what you can change?
Something magical happens when you decide to respond differently to your mother. You begin to develop self trust, which grows into equanimity, and ultimately Matriarch Mare status. You trust yourself to have your own back and with that comes peace. Sometimes, just loosening your grip on the story of your relationship with your mother leaves room for her to change her patterns, too, but right now we’re still focusing on you.
I was afraid to set boundaries with my mother for more than forty years. It’s probably more accurate to say that I didn’t realize I needed to set boundaries with her until
I was about forty, and then I was afraid to do it.
It came down to one simple (mostly unconscious) belief: if I express and stand up for my values, preference, desires (which is basically what boundaries are), then she will reject me. I was afraid to stand up for myself and for what I needed and wanted, because I didn’t know how to handle her not approving or validating me. I was afraid she’d criticize me for needing what I said I needed, and for wanting what I said I wanted.
Because of my fear, I engaged in dysfunctional behavior and sometimes tolerated or even perpetuated outright abuse. Not just with my mother, but in other relationships as well. Not to mention how I treated myself. I spent a lot of time angry, reactive, and defensive.
As I mentioned earlier, things came to an ugly head at the end of 2010. She sent me an email that I deemed beyond hurtful. Rather than fighting back, trying to defend or explain myself, I told her never to call or email me again. I was done.
I thought I had set a boundary, but rather than easing my angry, reactive, and defensive feelings, after taking this step I found myself angrier and more defensive, with guilt and deep sadness thrown in for good measure. I spent a lot of time focused on all the ways she’d done me wrong to help me feel better about cutting her out of my life.
In reality, I was out of integrity with myself. Since then, I’ve been working towards what is sometimes referred to as “radical” self-responsibility: this goes beyond “adulting” and is all about being responsible for my internal world and experience. A big part of that has meant learning how to set healthy boundaries.
A lot of times, before we learn how to have healthy boundaries, we believe our mothers treat us the way they do “because we let them.” We think we are supposed to be able to control the way they treat us (probably because that’s what’s been modeled: our mothers tried to control us in the same way). We contort ourselves trying every conceivable thing in an effort to change, fix, or curtail the challenging aspects of the relationship.
Or maybe someone else suggests that the way our mothers behave is because of something we are not doing, or doing wrong (our culture is quick to guilt daughters…and mothers, for that matter).
If you’ve been in therapy, it’s probably been suggested to you that you learn how to set boundaries, which is a logical next step when you notice that you can’t control the way your mother treats you.
Many of us (and in many cases our mothers) believe that boundaries are about other people’s behavior—that they are designed to make other people do what we want them to do (or stop doing what we don’t want them to do). This is not a boundary, it’s an ultimatum.
Here’s the distinction I like to make:
A boundary is a request that you make of someone who is infringing on your emotional or physical space in an effort (generally) to improve the relationship. Boundaries are about taking care of (and responsibility for) yourself and often include phrases like “I’d prefer,” “I’d value,” and “My preferences are….”
An ultimatum is an uncompromising demand you make, the rejection of which often results in the breakdown or end of a relationship (“Do it or else!”). Ultimatums are about controlling the other person (because we think we’ll feel better) and often include words like “You should/should not…,” “You have to…,” or “You can’t….”
We find ourselves issuing ultimatums when there are no boundaries in place.
Many of us were taught (not directly, but rather by what was modeled in our families) that ultimatums are boundaries and vice versa. This why we often feel conflicted or mean or bitchy or nasty or selfish when we think about setting boundaries and it’s why we might experience backlash after the fact. It’s why so many women struggle with this crucial life skill. It wasn’t taught or modeled in a loving or realistic way.
Setting boundaries with our mothers is only one part of the equation, because sometimes our mothers will flatly refuse to respect them. So getting clear about our own behavior commits us to something other than destructive reactions as a next step. Knowing we are in integrity with ourselves and with our mothers means we are truly keeping our word to ourselves.
Impeccable boundaries are not:
Impeccable boundaries are:
Here are two effective ways to set impeccable boundaries.
(1) Request–Consequence:
The Request is what you ask your mother to stop doing whatever it is that crosses your boundary.
The Consequence is that you let her know what you will do if she chooses not to abide by or comply with your request. It is an action that you will take. The more well-defined the action, the better and more effective your boundary will be.
Here are some examples:
Request: Please stop yelling at me.
Consequence: If you don’t stop yelling, I am going to leave.
Request: The best way to reach me is via email.
Consequence: If you text me or send me messages on Facebook, I won’t respond.
Request: I’d love to chat with you once a week for half an hour.
Consequence: If you call me more than that, I won’t answer the phone.
Notice that when you make the request, the result is the action that you will take.
(2) Request–Benefit:
The Request is what you ask your mother to stop doing whatever it is that infringes on your boundary.
The Benefit is that you let her know how stopping this behavior this will improve your relationship.
Here are some examples:
Request: Please stop yelling at me.
Benefit: If you stop yelling, I’ll be able to better concentrate on what you’re trying to tell me.
Request: The best way to reach me is via email.
Benefit: If you email, it’s easier for me to keep track of our communication.
Request: I’d love to chat with you once a week for half an hour.
Benefit: This way I’ll be able to give you my undivided attention.
In either case, it’s best to make requests specific and clear and to let your mother know the impact this will have on you or on the situation.
The most common boundary-setting mistake you can make is not following through and/or believing that once you establish and articulate a boundary, your mother will (or should) respect and honor it.
It’s not your mother’s job or responsibility to respect your boundaries…it’s yours. And this is good news because this is how you begin to take yourself seriously, to keep promises you make to yourself, and show yourself that you are worthy of having boundaries.
It bears mention that your mother most likely didn’t teach you to set healthy boundaries, so it stands to reason that she was never taught to employ or respect them. And just as it isn’t your fault this wasn’t taught, it isn’t her fault she doesn’t know what she didn’t experience.
Setting good, healthy boundaries with my mother was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, especially given that there were forty-plus years of a pattern in place: no boundaries. But it was also one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done. I was finally being honest. I was finally in integrity with myself—and with her.
Let me tell you what’s amazing about that. I now rarely have any resentment, bitterness, or anger when it comes to my mother. Because I have honored my boundaries, rather than feeling resentful, bitter, or angry, I feel love.
Here’s an example. My mother smokes. She especially likes to smoke when she’s in the car (whether she’s driving or someone else is). I prefer not to be exposed to smoke. We used to have quite the passive-aggressive drama around it. I’d seethe with anger and say something like, “Can’t you wait?!” I would open all the windows and she would close them. I made it mean that she disrespected me and even wanted to harm my health. She made it mean that I was critical of her and was trying to control her.
I finally decided to try setting a boundary around this when she asked me to drive her somewhere. The day before, I made my request: “Mom, I would appreciate it if you didn’t smoke in my car. If you’d like to smoke, I will pull over so you can get out and do just that.” She agreed. Another time, when she was the one driving, I suggested: “Mom, if you want to smoke in the car, that’s fine, I’ll drive separately in my own car.”
Notice how my language permitted her to continue to smoke, and I didn’t have to get angry or upset or make it mean anything. I didn’t try to control her behavior, I just controlled mine. Having good healthy boundaries prevents us from having to accept the consequences of someone else’s behavior because we’re managing our own instead.
Values-based boundary setting promotes self-kindness, self-care, and self-responsibility. It puts you back in the driver’s seat of your own life, and allows you to reclaim the power you’ve been giving to your mother. It helps you love and accept her for who she is, allowing her to behave exactly as she wants to, while taking care of yourself by honoring your needs.
Many women don’t want to set boundaries with their mothers because they believe they will risk losing the relationship, or they’re afraid their mothers will say “no” and will continue to infringe on their personal and emotional space. (That was me for a very long time). They’re afraid that if they take care of themselves and tell the truth, they might make their mothers angry (and then not be able to handle it). So in order to not risk this, they don’t set boundaries and they stay in a relationship that is based on lies and resentment.
My Best Boundary-Setting Tips
1. Decide that you love, honor, and value yourself enough to establish boundaries and that you love, honor, and value others enough to teach them how to be with you.
2. Be clear about what you value, knowing that your boundaries will be those values—in action (thank you Randi Buckley for this distinction). Some of the values I’ve identified are respect, curiosity, creativity, humor, intensity, authenticity, trust, discernment, and equanimity. When you are connected to your values in this way, your boundaries will feel like a more natural extension of who you are.
3. Be compassionate. You are modeling an important skill for effective communication. Being compassionate and setting boundaries go together.
4. If you’re frustrated, angry, or resentful, you’re not ready to set a boundary. Work through those emotions first. Journal (or talk with someone who won’t continue to validate your anger) until you can get to a space of calm. The reason you are upset is not because of what the other person is doing (or not doing), it’s because you don’t have proper boundaries in place and you haven’t been speaking your truth.
5. Once you’re clean and clear (which basically means that you’ve taken responsibility for your upset), you can have a boundary conversation if you want to.
6. It’s not necessary to communicate your boundary until someone has violated it. And even then, you don’t necessarily have to communicate it, but in order to be effective, you do have to follow through with the action you promised yourself you would take.
7. If you choose to have a boundary conversation, use a neutral tone of voice. If there is a negative (or falsely positive) charge to your communication, then the message can get lost and the clarity of the boundary becomes clouded. Practice speaking without a charge in your voice so it feels natural.
8. Remember that you are not trying to control the other person’s behavior. You are changing or adjusting your own behavior in response.
9. Practice your new skill with someone who will offer little resistance. Get a feel for what it is like to make the request. When you get more confident you can start setting boundaries with people who are more challenging.
10. Be responsible for your own communication, but understand that you are not responsible for how the other person receives or interprets it, nor for how they feel as a result. Create clear direct ways of communicating and allow the other person to feel how they choose.
11. Don’t take it personally if the other person doesn’t change or respect your boundary. Be ready, willing, and able to follow through a change in your own behavior.
12. Practice Non-Defensive Communication (à la Marshall Rosenberg).
Defensive reactions, which, when we use them, keep us in conflict, and the other person in the upper-hand position:
Non-defensive responses, which defuse the situation and allow us to take the high road (practice using these…some will feel better than others):
Something to consider: When it comes to boundaries with your mother (or anyone, for that matter), your job isn’t to get her behave differently. Your job is to take care of yourself. In deciding what taking care of yourself looks like, you can then make a decision about what your behavior will look like.
Something to journal on: What is the boundary you’d like to set with your mother? What is your intention in setting this boundary? What value can you put into action in support of this boundary? What does taking care of yourself look like? What do you hope to accomplish? What do want the result to be? The benefit? What is your truth? What do you need to take responsibility for?
Something to practice: Briefly and clearly state your boundary using the Request–Consequence or Request–Benefit model. Say it to yourself. Say it out loud. Say it out loud while looking at yourself in the mirror. Say it out loud to someone else and see how it lands.