Chapter 16
Guilt, Anxiety, and Fear Are Not Inevitable When It Comes to Setting Boundaries

Guess the answer to this question:

“What are the top three emotions you experience when you think about setting boundaries with your mother?”

Guilt, anxiety, and fear. By far. And the question I get asked the most goes something like this:

* * *

Dear Karen,

My narcissistic mother, who has been abusive towards me all of my life, has finally crossed the line. Actually, she’s crossed the line many times, but I lacked the courage to do anything about it. Last Thanksgiving she said some unforgivable, unimaginable, disgusting things. Things I will never repeat, but never forget. So began our quasi-estranged relationship.

My mother is alone. She’s divorced and in a bad way financially. This past year I didn’t invite her to any of my holiday gatherings. My only brother believes I’m a drama queen and doesn’t support my decisions regarding our mother.

Meanwhile she continues to try and guilt me via texts and voicemail, hinting that she needs money.

I don’t want her at my house. But I feel guilty that if I don’t invite her, she will spend holidays alone. I feel like I can’t win either way. Without her I feel guilty, with her I feel like I have betrayed myself and supported her ugly behavior. It’s a no-win situation.

How the heck does one set boundaries with someone who is so helpless/hopeless?

My response:

I so get this one. It feels like an intractable situation. I spent many years bouncing between guilt (and shame), anger, and hopelessness regarding my relationship with my mother. There was so much drama, and because I was “in” it with her, I couldn’t see it.

Guilt, shame, and hopelessness are the reason we don’t/can’t/won’t set boundaries with our mothers.

That, along with a misunderstanding of what boundaries actually are.

Simply put, boundaries demonstrate what you stand for: your values, your preferences, your needs, and your desires.

If you are not sure what you stand for—or if you don’t think you’re allowed to have your own values, preferences, needs, and desires—you will feel guilt when trying to establish or assert boundaries.

I love this riff on guilt and boundaries, from Randi Buckley:

Guilt is a sneaky devil.

Guilt keeps you from believing that you deserve to have boundaries.

Guilt makes you regret setting boundaries, or even prevents you from doing so.

Guilt prevents you from believing in yourself or from following through.

Guilt arises when you try to manage your mother’s response to your boundaries.

Guilt arises when you believe your mother is disappointed with you.

Guilt arises when you believe you’re responsible for your mother not agreeing with you.

Guilt arises when you believe that you don’t deserve to say “No” or to have boundaries.

Guilt arises when you’re not sure if she’ll accept or honor your boundaries.

Guilt arises when you’re not sure how to express your boundaries.

Guilt arises when you set boundaries in a way that is not in alignment with who you are or does not honor your values.

Something to consider: Oftentimes, the reason we want to have a boundary is because we know it will be good for us. But we’re afraid because we think our mothers won’t see it as good. There is no such thing as “private” good…what’s good for you will serve a greater good.

Something to journal on: What do you want your boundaries to do for you? What do you really want to say? Is there a greater good? What is it? How do you want to establish this boundary? When you imagine putting your values into action, what feels good? What do you want to have happen as a result of this boundary? How do you want things to be with your mother? What do you want your relationship to feel like?

Something to practice: Envision the outcome. Imagine that you’ve set the boundary and it is being respected, by both you and your mother. What do you see? Feel? Hear?

This practice leaves very little room for guilt and will help you set impeccable boundaries with your mother. And it is very much a practice. Choose to have a beginner’s mind…to be a curious, devoted student of your lovely self.