Chapter 23
Choosing Unconditional Love

So now that you understand the nature of your thoughts and emotions—and how they are connected—let me ask you this: How do you want to feel about your mother? Of all the feelings that are available to you, which might you choose?

I’m guessing that love isn’t on your list. It certainly wasn’t on mine.

At first, I thought it was unlikely that I could ever love my mother, or stop feeling danger surrounding her. As I’ve said, I spent years feeling chronic anger, bitterness, and resentment towards my mother. Although I knew it wasn’t good for me, I believed that those emotions protected me. I understood that it was possible to get past the negative feelings, but I was afraid that if I let those feelings go, she would “win”—and I would end up giving in to whatever she wanted and would always have to agree with her, which meant that I’d never escape from her abusive or dysfunctional behavior. I wanted to love her, but I didn’t know how to do that and preserve myself at the same time.

Back then, it was an either/or proposition: either I stay angry and protect myself, or I “love” her and let her swallow me whole—at least, that’s what it felt like was happening at the time. That’s because I didn’t understand that love is an emotion that I can choose to feel—not a concept, action, or behavior that is forced on me or even expected of me.

All emotions—from fear and anger to joy and love—are nothing more and nothing less than vibrations that we feel in our bodies. Shame usually comes with a hot, prickly feeling around my face and neck. Grief is an exquisite ache in my throat and heart. Anger feels like the wind has been knocked out of me (and it’s heavy too), and I feel slightly choked. Anxiety is weak knees, shallow breathing, and a shakiness in my belly.

And love? It’s a heart-melting, warm sensation in my chest and belly. The more I understand about love, the more I know that it’s not an emotion that comes with conditions. I can create it and feel it simply because I want to.

And because I like the way love feels, I make a conscious choice to feel it when I think about my mother (and I am not talking about it in a “love and light” woo woo spiritual by-passing way), rather than choosing anger, bitterness, and resentment (which don’t feel so great). I also choose to have amazing boundaries.

When you choose to feel love, you get to feel love—without conditions. Which isn’t to say that you take responsibility for how your mother feels, or for her reputation. It doesn’t mean you have to spend time with her or talk to her if you don’t want to. You don’t have to be friendly or pretend to like her. You don’t have to do what she says.

Now that you’ve learned how to notice what you’re feeling, and how to connect those feelings to the thoughts you are thinking, rather than attaching them to what your mother says or does, you get to choose.

What has most helped me to choose love is understanding that my mother doesn’t have to change in order for me to feel it. There are no conditions. It’s my responsibility, not hers. I don’t have to rely on her to do anything in order for me to feel it. As a result of choosing to feel love for my mother, I get to feel it, and I like how it feels.

I’ve also established boundaries that come from a place of love and respect for both of us. And most importantly, when I let her off the hook for being responsible for my feelings (but not for her actions), I also let myself off the hook for being responsible for hers. We are two autonomous women. A mother and a daughter. Powerful in our own separate rights.

Something to consider: Most people equate love with tolerating bad behavior. How about this instead: Love is always an available choice. You don’t always have to choose it, but you always have the choice. Love doesn’t know the difference between conditional and unconditional. Loving does not mean tolerating bad behavior or not having boundaries—in fact, I’d say good boundaries are part of what allows love to thrive. Even if you choose never to see or speak to your mother again, you can choose to feel love when you think about her.

Something to practice:

• Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Unlock those shoulders. Soften your eyes. Take another deep breath.
• Think about someone or something that you love. Think of how much happiness this person or thing brings to your life and how much you love them.
• Continue focusing on this person or thing until you start to feel a physical sensation. Describe it. Where in your body do you feel it? Does it have a texture? A temperature? A color?
• Now think about someone for whom it’s hard to feel love. Summon up any anger, resentment, and bitterness you have towards this person until you start to feel it physically. Get to know it, just like you got to know what unconditional love feels like. Which feels better?
• Understand that choosing to feel unconditional love is a favor you do for yourself. It’s available to you right now if you want it.
• Understand that loving unconditionally does not mean tolerating bad behavior from others, or even having to see or speak to someone. It just means that when you think of this person, you choose to still feel amazing.