Chapter 18

 

Imperial Palace, June 421

 

THEO ENTERED HIS BRIDE’S BEDCHAMBER as a gaggle of giggling women left. Their significant looks and hushed comments reminded him of his duty, bringing a deep blush to his face. Paulinus had arranged a similar gathering of young men who told rude jokes that embarrassed Theo. He left early, having had only a single goblet of wine, to raucous comments about how he was too eager to make his new wife happy.

He paused in the door to look at his radiant bride, standing at a full-length mirror, golden hair streaming down her back. Athenais wore a plain silk robe, which showed the outline of her lush body as the candles flickered. Theo stared at her in wonderment. How did I ever win such a beautiful creature? His manhood swelled, rising under his tunic. Lust warred with guilt. Blood rushed to his cheeks. He turned to leave before he embarrassed himself.

“Theo?” Athenais glimpsed him in her mirror and turned, face glowing with happiness. “Beloved, I’ve been waiting for you.”

Caught, he thought to alleviate his distress the only way he knew how. Theo held out his hand to his wife. “Pray with me?”

Her eyebrows went up even as she lowered her lashes. “Of course, Husband.”

They knelt at the private altar nestled in a niche appropriately decorated with the Virgin Mary and her babe. They recited the Lord’s prayer together. Theo silently prayed for the courage to do his duty and forgiveness for the sin of lust. When they rose, he took her hand and led her to the bed.

“Do you wish me to undress you, Husband?”

“No! I...uh…I’ll do it myself.” He snuffed all but one candle, doffed his loincloth and outer robes, leaving only a short linen tunic to cover his nakedness. Athenais slipped into bed wearing only her silk shift.

Theo pulled back the covers and crawled into the bed beside her. He lay still, listening to her breathing.

Her hand crept to his arm. “We do not have to do our duty tonight, my love, if you don’t wish it. We can hold each other and sleep. It’s been a long and wearing day for us both.”

He rolled over to face her. Flickering candlelight played over her features, but he could see nothing distinctly. In a low, trembling voice, he said, “I dreamed of this night and dreaded it both. I come to this marriage as virginal as you.”

“That is a great gift to offer God and each other.” Athenais stroked his shoulder. Her touch burned. “Take me into your arms and hold me close.”

Theo put his arms around her. Her hair smelled of roses, her breath of mint. He felt her breasts push against his chest and thought his member would burst. He suddenly spasmed with pain and pleasure, crying out, “Oh, God!” as he shuddered in release.

Athenais lay still against him. He felt his sticky seed against his belly, soaking through his tunic. He pushed her away, mumbling, “I’m sorry,” and fled to a washstand. Theo stood hunched over the bowl, ashamed, thoughts roiling in despair. Lust is sinful. Spilling your seed is sinful. But I must have an heir! How can I do this?

 

*****

 

ATHENAIS, SHOCKED, lay quietly in the bed. The damp spot on her shift, where Theo spilled his seed, cooled and stiffened. She had seen animals mate, and her aunt had prepared her for penetration, but not for this. If her husband couldn’t perform, what was she to do? How could she help him? Her aunt also warned that she needed to bleed on her wedding night. If she didn’t, gossips would say she wasn’t a virgin, casting doubt on any children she had.

Stifled sobs from the dark corner tugged at her heart. Poor Theo! He was more lost than she.

“Theo, Beloved? Come back to the bed.” She heard nothing for several moments. “Please, Husband, I need you.”

Athenais heard a rustling sound as he pulled his soiled tunic over his head and came back to her. He crawled under the covers, huddling on the edge of the bed.

She stroked his back. “Dearest. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve heard this sometimes happens to men. You will grow again, and we can do our duty.”

He shuddered under her touch. She took her hand away.

Eventually his breathing evened and deepened. Athenais sought her side of the bed, blaming herself. What did I do? What did I not do? How can I fix this? Eventually, she fell asleep, face scrunched in worry.

Athenais woke in the gray early dawn to hear Theo praying at the altar. She peeked at his bowed form, dressed in a coarse woolen robe, which must have itched and abraded his skin. He left shortly after.

She went to her cosmetics table and sought a small knife she used to pare her nails. With a sigh, Athenais cut her thumb and let several drops bleed onto the linen sheets on her bed. She needed to speak to her aunt… soon.

 

*****

 

A WEEK LATER, Athenais swooped on her aunt, gathering her into her arms. “I’m so glad to see you!”

“My dear! Is anything wrong?” Doria fussed with her red wig, askew after the violent embrace.

Athenais looked around the room of silent women, sewing and listening to a priest reading scripture. “No, Aunt. I just missed your presence these past days.” She linked arms with the older woman. “Come keep me company.”

They retired to a more private corner where they could speak without being overheard.

“Did the wedding night not go well?” Doria asked, concern in her voice but maintaining a perfectly bland face for the women shooting curious glances her way.

“No.” Athenais’ eyes strayed. “That is why I asked you to come. All these women are pledged to chastity. I have no one to talk to!”

“Did he hurt you?” Doria put a hand on her niece’s knee, leaning forward to inspect her face.

“No. Theo is a kind and gentle man. He would never do such a thing. It’s more…intimate.” Athenais’ eyes filled with tears. “He views coupling as a duty, and any physical pleasure experienced during the act as a sin.”

“Oh, my dear child.” Doria pulled her into a warm hug. “I had no idea. Have you consummated the marriage?”

Athenais nodded. “On the third night, he finally entered me, but released his seed so fast I felt nothing but pain. I didn’t tell him of my discomfort, because I knew he would be hurt and even less likely to approach me. He barely touches me now.”

Athenais peered over her aunt’s shoulder to see her sisters-in-law, Arcadia and Marina, staring at them. She knew little of the younger princesses and had hoped to become friends. They were about her age but seemed completely cowed by their older sister, never expressing views counter to hers or acting independent in any way. They would surely report this visit to Pulcheria, who would want an accounting. Athenais reluctantly pushed her aunt away.

“What am I to do? I am not Pulcheria. I cannot live without physical love.” She choked back sobs.

Doria patted her hand. “Your husband needs guidance, and it can’t come from you. He’ll think you a wanton. Paulinus is his best friend. The Augustus trusts him. I’ll have a word with Paulinus and see if we can get this sorted out.”

“It might take more than Paulinus. This is rooted in his faith. Perhaps a trusted churchman could talk to Theo. Bishop Atticus seems kind, and knowledgeable about the world.” She looked at her hands. “I am not some romantic child, but I had thought I might enjoy a physical as well as spiritual union with my husband.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Doria gave her a sad smile. “After all, you can’t bear children in a chaste marriage.”

 

*****

 

BISHOP ATTICUS LISTENED to his emperor’s embarrassed description of marital congress with growing alarm. He had been warned Theo had some confused beliefs about procreation but had not understood the full extent of the young man’s anguish…or his ignorance.

When Theo stuttered to a halt, Atticus put his hands on the boy’s bowed head and sighed. “My son, laying with your lawful wife for the purposes of conceiving a child is not a sin in the eyes of the Lord. On the contrary, he orders us to be fruitful and multiply.”

“I understand that part, Father. It’s the lust I feel for my wife that twists my soul. I look at her and my member swells and stiffens, my thoughts become disordered. I can’t see her or touch her without that shameful feeling that I am sinning. I scourge myself by wearing a hair shirt, but that does no good.”

“It is not for you to determine penance for sins, my son. God gave that power to his priests, and I see no need for atonement. You have done nothing wrong.”

Theo frowned. “Sometimes I spill my seed before entering my wife. When that happened in the past, in my sleep, Father Marcus gave me verses to study and prayers to say as penance for the sin.”

“Do you do this with your wife to avoid a pregnancy? That would be a sin.”

“No!” The young man’s face turned scarlet. “I just…uh…lose control. I love her so much and want her so badly…” His voice trailed off. He looked at Atticus with haggard eyes.

The bishop was not an old man. Echoes of youthful lust still pulsed occasionally when faced with a particularly attractive young woman. He remembered the aching loins and the mental anguish of his youth as he sacrificed that part of his life for God.

“You are not a priest, Theodosius. God has not required you to live chastely.”

“But chaste living is accounted a great gift to God. That is why the desert fathers and mothers, priests and bishops choose celibacy. That is why my sisters remain virgins.”

“The key word is ‘choice’, my son. Not all priests or bishops choose that life. Synesius of Ptolemais made keeping his beloved wife a condition of accepting his bishopric. And, yes, Melania the Younger and her husband lived in a chaste marriage, but it was agreed to by both parties, not required by God. As to your sisters, there was more than a religious urgency to their choices.”

Theo looked puzzled. “What other urgency?”

“That is for you and your sisters to discuss.” Atticus leaned forward to take both the young man’s hands. “You are the Emperor of Rome. You have a duty to your people to cherish your wife and create a family. You are a man with a lawful wife and have the right to feel attracted to her—but no other! Your soul is in no danger and you need no absolution. As to the …uh…loss of control, that should moderate in time. If it doesn’t, consult a physician.”

Theo slumped in his seat, lost in thought. When he raised his head, a gentle smile broke across his face. “I am not a sinner?”

“You have not committed fornication.” Atticus shook his head. “Go home to your wife, Son, and be content.”

“Thank you, Father! You have lightened my soul.”

“God’s blessings on you, my son.” And may I never have to have this kind of discussion again!