Our original idea for this book was a kind of learners’ guide called “How to Speak to the French in Twelve Easy Chapters.” We wanted to explain how to communicate with the French in a progressive step-by-step approach, starting with “beginner” topics like bonjour, moving to intermediate subjects like language, and concluding with advanced themes, like politics. We decided against that when we sat down to write. We simply hadn’t predicted how eye-opening it would be to spend a year watching our daughters as French school literally configured them for conversation. We were awestruck hearing the results at the end of every school day and understood how important this “formatting” is in the way the French communicate. We ended up devoting an entire chapter to it, but it informs the whole book. (There was another reason we steered away from the faux guidebook approach: we met fascinating people, had surprising experiences, and ended up with a lot of stories to tell.)
In the end, we divided the chapters of this book into two sections that cover roughly how the French are formatted to speak (“Form”) and what they like and don’t like to talk about (“Content”). At the same time, we didn’t entirely dispense with our original idea. The chapters in each section still roughly progress in difficulty, from simple lessons to complex subjects.
Nor did we forget our original goal, which was to provide readers with guiding principles they could use right away to improve communications with the French. So we decided to conclude the book with a list of tips we divided into five categories: Twelve Guiding Principles of French Conversation, Dos, Don’ts, Topics You Can Discuss Anywhere in France, and Topics You Should Broach with Care.
Although we researched this book in Paris’s Latin Quarter, in some ways a microcosm of French society that runs on its own rules, we have, to date, lived in France for four years and traveled widely throughout the country. So we are confident these rules apply pretty much everywhere in France.
Twelve Guiding Principles of French Conversation
1. The French don’t communicate. They converse.
2. The French correct others all the time. It’s normal public behavior.
3. The French say no even when they mean yes.
4. The French hate saying, “I don’t know.” They will do anything to avoid it.
5. The French are terrified of making mistakes—des fautes—and avoid looking like they’ve made them at all costs.
6. The French think being negative is good. It makes you sound smart.
7. If a French person talks to you, it’s a sign he or she wants some kind of relationship. So talk back.
8. When the French don’t want to talk to you, they don’t open their mouths. So take the hint.
9. The point of talking in France is to show you are interesting, not merely to convey information.
10. The French don’t look for consensus in conversation.
11. Disagreement among couples is acceptable public behavior. It’s considered a sign that a relationship is strong.
12. The French are comfortable making jokes about sex, even in professional situations, even when children are listening.
Dos
• Say bonjour like you mean it and say it a lot. If it feels like you’re saying it too much, that’s just enough.
• Be provocative. It’s better to say something outrageous than agree politely.
• Never take non for an answer. Keep talking until you get a oui.
Don’ts
• Don’t ask for people’s first names. It’s invasive in France.
• Don’t make jokes about yourself. In France, self-deprecating humor makes you sound stupid.
• Don’t ask, “Where are you from?” It’s insinuating. Ask, “What region are you from?”
Topics You Can Discuss Anywhere in France
• Language. The French love talking about words.
• Geography or history. The French are well versed in both topics.
• Food. Always easy, but better when you know a bit about French geography and history.
• Art, cinema, or literature. The French always have an opinion about culture.
• Finding deals. This is the only way the French talk about money.
• Holidays. This is how the French prove they don’t like their jobs.
Topics You Should Broach with Care
• Family. It’s private in France, something you only talk about with close friends.
• Work. Don’t ask what someone does for a living. The French consider it either boring or nosy.
• Money. No one thinks it’s interesting.
• National identity, immigration, race relations, and politics are tricky. Stick to asking questions.
On that final note, we wish you a bon voyage in the land of French conversation.