Sophi enjoyed Cadan's closeness as they helped each other in the shower. She wanted more of it, but Cadan moved away from her when she tried to steer her into the bed, and went for her clothes instead.
"You need to rest," Sophi protested, catching Cadan's hand to stop her. Cadan's exhaustion was clear in the slumping lines of her shoulders. She was fading after so many days of not getting enough sleep, and especially after working so hard in the heat of the anoloids' basking range.
"I can't." Cadan shook her head. "I can't just sit. What if the children aren't on the Vidua and we've been going the wrong direction again? What if they are? What kind of conditions will they have been kept in, how have they been treated?" Cadan's bottom lip trembled, warm brown eyes begging. "What kind of preparations might the kidnappers have made in case of being caught? What if I'm not fast enough, and I can't save them?"
"Shh," Sophi soothed, reaching up to stroke the side of Cadan's face. "We can't know any of that. You need to rest to be at your best—to be able to react to anything."
"I know, but I can't." Cadan squeezed Sophi's hand. "I'll just go, I won't bother you."
"You're never a bother, I want to help if I can," Sophi promised. It hurt to see someone she loved hurting like this. "You still won't let Dr. Hanne give you anything?"
Cadan shook her head. Sophi stretched up on tiptoe, tugging Cadan's head down to press a kiss to her forehead.
"Can I try something then?" Sophi asked, looking her in the eye. "Do you trust me?"
"Yes." Cadan did not hesitate. It was the answer Sophi had wanted, the one she'd expected, or she wouldn't have asked, but she still felt the warmth rush to her face. She'd not expected it so quickly, or unqualified.
"Sit on the bed," Sophi instructed. She shrugged into a short, silky robe and opened a few of the bottom drawers beneath her bed, until she finally found the box she was looking for. She drew out a length of pale-beige fabric, like a silk scarf but softer and smoother against her fingers, strong and easy to knot. She'd had the idea after seeing how Cadan wrapped her arms around her body, holding herself together, when she was at her most vulnerable. Sophi knelt on the bed in front of Cadan and took both her hands, quickly tying her wrists together with a few turns. Cadan held her hands out for it and just watched Sophi, eyebrows slowly raising.
"You're going to tie me to the bed and make me sleep?" she asked skeptically. She tugged at the binds, big arms flexing. "I could break this."
"I know you could," Sophi agreed. Cadan might have been able to break the scarf with strength alone, but with her projected hard-light shields, it would be easy, especially if her shields were the kind that could also be used as hard-light blades. Sophi hadn't gotten a close enough look at them to know which they were. "But you don't have to. If you want to be released, just say 'unbind.'"
The fabric dropped from Cadan's wrists, practically disintegrating. Cadan's mouth fell open in surprise, watching it.
"Coalesce," Sophi said, gathering the pieces back up into a complete scarf. "If it's too much, you can be let go any time you say the word. We can even change the word, if you like, but that takes some time."
"So what's the point, then?" Cadan asked, brow wrinkling.
"The point is trust." Sophi took both Cadan's hands in hers, pressing the scarf into them so Cadan could hold it—get to know it a little bit. "The point is to choose to let someone else be in control, just for a little while. The point is to let go, because someone else is holding you." Sophi met Cadan's eyes again, asking her permission. Not everyone enjoyed this sort of thing. "It can feel good. Do you want to try this with me?"
Cadan considered for a long moment, running the scarf between her fingers. She wrapped a few turns around her hands and gave it a few light tugs, thoughtfully, before she nodded. "I'll try it."
"Thank you," Sophi breathed. She took the scarf back and stroked Cadan's hands, considering. Cadan usually slept flat on her back or occasionally on her side, so hands bound in front of her, and knots concentrated in the front of her body, would probably be most comfortable. Aesthetics were important, but comfort was the most important in this instance. Anything would look good on Cadan—so big and strong, but calmly waiting for whatever Sophi chose to do with her. It set excitement bubbling under Sophi's ribs already, but she had to do this right or it wouldn't be good for Cadan.
Sophi set the lights in the room to slowly fade to twenty-five percent for relaxation, and lit a tiny cone of calming incense in a brazier. Specially formulated incense, safe for spaceship use, was not cheap, but there was no better time to use a little of her precious stash. The scent of vanillin and the light bitterness of mellisugan chamomile began to drift through the room as Sophi brought the box of special scarves up onto the bed. She repositioned Cadan to kneel on the bed where she would be comfortable when she laid down.
"I need you to be here, with me," Sophi instructed. "This is safe, but if you don't feel safe you need to tell me. I need you to pay attention to your body, to how you feel." Sophi ran her hands over Cadan's ribs, passing the first loop of scarf around her torso. "Your blood needs to keep moving, so if you feel hot or cold, pinching or tingling, tell me."
"All right," Cadan agreed.
"Focus on me, on what I'm doing," Sophi reminded. She pulled the scarf slowly up Cadan's back, sliding it over her skin. She wrapped it snugly around Cadan's chest, above her breasts—more decorative than anything else. A few loops around her upper arms and over her shoulders tied into it, and Cadan's upper arms were secured. Her movement was not very hampered yet, but Sophi paused to check anyway.
"How is this?" Sophi asked, making sure Cadan was with her. She always wanted Cadan's attention, and if she could have it now, she wasn't letting the chance go. Cadan shrugged a bit, pushing against the scarves.
"It's not bad," she said noncommittally.
"I'm going to keep going, then?" Sophi's tone turned it into more of a question than she'd intended as she picked another long scarf up, but Cadan nodded. Sophi had Cadan lightly hold her own elbows, and tied her forearms together. A few loops from that to a wrap lower around her ribcage pinned her arms down, and Sophie added decorative webbing between the top wrap and her arms, a V down between her breasts. Cadan could squirm them a bit, but her arms were almost completely immobilized now. Her breasts were squeezed between her arms at the sides and the scarves around them—displayed like an offering Sophi could not touch. "Focus on what you can feel," she instructed, finishing the binding.
Cadan pushed against the bindings, which held. She breathed in quicker, flexing against it a second time with a grunt, eyes rolling.
"Cadan, talk to me." Sophi cupped the side of Cadan's face, petting her arms and shoulders to relax them. "I'm here, love. What are you feeling?"
"I'm..." Cadan's voice came out high. She visibly slowed herself, taking a deep breath from her belly. Her warm brown eyes were fixed on Sophi, seeing nothing else. "The ties are tight. My arms can't move. Breathing is a little tighter but not too much."
"You're all right," Sophi assured her, checking on the tension of all the various loops. "When you relax, I can easily fit a few fingers under the scarves, can you feel that? You don't need to use your arms right now, do you? You don't need to do anything but be here. You don't need to do anything but feel."
"I only need to feel," Cadan said, as if trying to convince herself. "It feels strange." She squirmed slightly against the scarves, but was not really fighting them.
Sophi continued gently touching Cadan, soothing her into relaxation. This wouldn't work at all if it only stressed her out more. "The scarves are just me," Sophi explained. "It's just me, holding you tight." She was not big and strong to hold Cadan the way Cadan could hold her, but she could use scarves to mimic some of the feeling of being held so tight—if it worked for Cadan. If she stopped fighting against it.
"Oh." More of the tension drained from Cadan's shoulders. "That sounds... nice."
"Yes," Sophi agreed. "I have you, you can let go of everything else. Just feel me, holding you."
"Feel," Cadan repeated, quieter this time—more of a sigh. Sophi kept touching as Cadan relaxed, admiring her. Cadan was tied, vulnerable, and she was allowing Sophi this. She could be freed the moment she decided she needed to be, but she was letting Sophi bind her. If nothing else, Sophi had this trust and control. She had the joy of this perfect moment.
She picked up another scarf. "You're doing so well. I'm going to keep going," she told Cadan, sliding the smooth fabric up over the swell of Cadan's ass with a smile.
"Yes," Cadan answered softly.
Sophi strung two lines from the knot of ropes in the middle of her chest to her knees, centered down the front of Cadan's body, slipping a loop of scarf underneath to bind her legs together and make an anchor for wraps up her hips and thighs. The softness over her hips gave more easily under the pressure of the fabric, bulging around it.
"How is it feeling?" Sophi asked as she wrapped another scarf around the back of Cadan's body. It looked wonderful, the pale-beige fabric contrasting against the brown of Cadan's skin, denting into her relaxed muscles.
"Hmm, still tight." Cadan's words were slow, as though finding the right ones took more effort than usual. "Close."
"I'm holding you so close," Sophi agreed, unable to stop smiling. She teased with the scarf around Cadan's back, rubbing it over bare skin and tied scarves, just lightly over the edges of her bonds to make Cadan shiver.
"Mm," Cadan hummed softly, body loose against the tight scarves. Her eyes followed Sophi's every motion—feeling this, here, and nothing else. She was completely present in a way she hadn't been since this entire chase began. "More?" she asked.
"I can give you more," Sophi promised, nearly giddy with the sweetness of the request. "I can hold you tighter." She brought the scarf down to Cadan's waist, tightening it around her. "I'm going to tie you here." It would restrict the belly breathing she'd been using to compensate for her rib wraps, but the tightness, the feeling of being held together, could be good.
Cadan nodded, and Sophi began winding the scarf around her in crisscrosses, threaded through the lines that ran down the center of her belly to make diamonds against her skin. Cadan's soft belly gave under the pressure of the fabric, and Sophi pulled the scarf snug, but not as tight as she could have. She did not want to leave bruises. Cadan's breathing was a necessarily more shallow now, but she seemed to have relaxed further.
Sophi stroked the beautiful patterns of bound skin, where Cadan's softness bulged out over the scarves. "How does this feel?" she asked, moving behind Cadan to check that none of the scarves were twisted, that she was not developing any cold spots where circulation was being cut off.
"Like I'm held," Cadan answered in a sigh. "Secure."
"I've got you," Sophi answered. "You're so good, you're doing so well." She couldn't help her smile, nearly floating. She'd hoped this would work, that she could get Cadan to relax and let go, and she'd been right. Cadan's worries seemed to have been pushed away for the moment, and her exhaustion would take care of the rest. Cadan's eyes were closed when Sophi was in front of her again. Her breath was slow and steady even if it was shallow. She looked so peaceful, tension lines all eased from her face.
"Let's lay you down," Sophi suggested. She braced herself, getting a good grip on the knot of scarves at the center of Cadan's chest. It would not hurt her to flop over onto the bed, but that was not the dynamic Sophi wanted to set up. Not the dynamic Cadan needed. "Relax, I'll lower you," Sophi offered. Cadan sighed and let herself fall back and to the side, weight trusted to Sophi as she lowered her gently to the bed.
Cadan groaned with a note of surprise as she settled onto her back instead of upright.
"It feels tighter this way," Sophi agreed. Cadan's breaths were shorter still in this position, with gravity pulling on her differently, but still not dangerous for the short-term. Sophi arranged a pillow under Cadan's head and spent a few moments tracing the shapes of Cadan's face and neck with her fingertips. "How are you doing?" Sophi asked. "Nothing pinching? Nothing going tingly?"
Cadan briefly wiggled her fingers, shifting her body on the bed. "I'm good," she answered. "I'm with you."
Sophi wanted to kiss her for it, but considering how Cadan had reacted last time Sophi kissed her, she contented herself with tracing a fingertip around Cadan's soft lips. "I'll take good care of you," she promised. "I'm going to tie your ankles, now," she said, moving down Cadan's body again. Cadan nodded sleepily and Sophi tied one last scarf into a quick ankle bond with a loop to the knee scarf that was not depending on gravity to hold it in place anymore. Cadan allowed her body to be moved however Sophi needed, completely relaxed. Cadan's legs could still move a little, but not apart. Another time, they could try more complex leg ties, but simpler was probably best if Cadan was going to sleep. She did not react when Sophi crawled back up the bed to be close to her head. Her body shifted slightly into the pressure of Sophi's weight on the mattress, but nothing more.
Sophi gently stroked Cadan's cheek and down the side of her neck. "Where have you gone, love?" she whispered. "How do you feel?"
Cadan slowly blinked twice, opening up her eyes to look up at Sophi in the dim light. "Love?" she asked.
Sophi hadn't even realized the word had come out aloud. Trying to take it back now wouldn't be graceful, and certainly wouldn't be calming. "Love," she admitted, leaning over to press a brief kiss to Cadan's brow.
Cadan was smiling when Sophi leaned back up, the first real smile Sophi had seen on her face since they'd started their hunt. "I'm right here. I feel... loved." Her eyes closed again. She turned her face toward Sophi like a plant toward starlight, shallow breaths falling closer to a sleep cadence.
Sophi blinked quickly to keep her eyes clear of overwhelmed tears, glad Cadan was not looking. The joy of this trust, this sweetness, burned under her breastbone, sharpening everything else. She silently mouthed the words she couldn't say. Always love you. Even when they fought, she loved Cadan. She carefully tucked a soft blanket around Cadan to keep her from getting cold, and checked her over one last time for any signs of danger.
It did not take long for Cadan to drift into a deeper sleep than Sophi had seen her take in far too long. "Unbind," she whispered to the scarves, setting Cadan free. She didn't quite dare try to remove them and put them back in their box—she didn't want to risk waking Cadan up—but in their disintegrated form, they shouldn't have been too uncomfortable for her to sleep on. Sophi set the lights to slowly fade to her preferred nighttime level, and slipped under the blankets to fall asleep to the sound of Cadan's even breaths, still smiling. It had all been so beautiful, so perfect.
Sophi could only hope Cadan's relaxation lasted enough hours for her to get the rest she so desperately needed.
*~*~*
Cadan woke up refreshed. She felt lighter, after her play with Sophi. The uncertainty still weighed on her, the fear for the children, but a solid sleep made it all more manageable. It did not inundate her.
Cadan had been unbound at some point after she'd fallen asleep. She woke up with the pieces of the scarves around her, and rolled over to curl herself around Sophi. She was no longer physically tied, but there was a thread pulling out of her chest and wrapped tight around Sophi. Cadan buried her face in the soft hair at the nape of Sophi's neck, breathing the light vanillin scent it had picked up from the incense.
"Mm, hello," Sophi murmured, a smile in her voice as she wiggled closer in Cadan's arms. Cadan squeezed her tighter, pressing tiny kisses to the back of her neck. Cadan had trusted Sophi before—enough to call for her help, enough to occasionally ask her to push an entire hand inside her, to be gentle and bring her pleasure. Letting herself be tied up was different. Despite knowing that she could have fought her way free even if the scarves had not been designed to release at a word, it had not felt that way. She had been immobilized, held tight, and nothing had existed beyond her own body and Sophi's obvious joy in it. It had not been sexual—Cadan would not have wanted it to be—but it was intimacy of the deepest sort.
"I feel better," Cadan said. She'd been asked how she felt so many times, which was such a different pace than thinking about what she needed to do. She had not been asked to do anything but be there, and Sophi had glowed under her attention.
"I'd hoped so." Sophi stretched her neck out a little to offer the side of it to Cadan. Another time, Cadan might have taken her up on it, given it a gentle bite and worked them both up to a tumble, but she still wasn't feeling sexual. She pressed a soft kiss to Sophi's neck and released her, checking the time display.
"We should get up, your off hours are almost over," Cadan observed.
Sophi groaned in protest, rolling over. She was still flushed with sleep, cheek creased from her pillow as she blinked sleepily at Cadan. She was so cute in her blankets Cadan could not help leaning over her to kiss her wrinkled cheek. She hesitated just a moment before she kissed Sophi's mouth too—a brief peck, but Sophi's entire face crinkled into a sleepy smile for it.
"I'm going to cook us something," Cadan decided. She nuzzled her nose against Sophi's and pulled away from the sleepily clinging hand that would have drawn her closer. She was feeling better, but the pressure to do something was growing in the back of her mind. She really couldn't stay and snuggle, as nice as Sophi felt. Cadan dressed as Sophi ordered the scarves to coalesce and began folding them back up. She glanced up at Cadan with her eyes warm and a scarf in her hands, and Cadan could feel heat rushing to her face as the string in her chest pulled tight. She saw herself out still blushing.
The kitchen was empty, thankfully, and Cadan pondered the available ingredients. She could probably have one of her shakes later, but she wanted something else. She wanted comfort food. Sophi had invited her to use anything she wanted, multiple times. Cadan smiled as she realized she could make soup.
Cadan cubed a block of vat "poultry" and set it simmering in broth thickened with ground-nut powder. Several types of frozen vegetables followed it, and she seasoned the pot nice and spicy with garlic and ginger and red pepper—seasonings humans had carried with them all across the stars from their birthworld. A few cracked Tritean peppercorns joined them, and it began to smell like the kitchens of Cadan's childhood. Sophi was not stingy in the array of spices she stocked. Cadan left the stew simmering and had moved on to the fufu, adding small amounts of boiling water as she beat the bland, sticky dough in a pot over the stove, when Sophi joined her.
"Mm, it smells so good!" Sophi praised, smiling at her. "I never knew you could cook."
"My aunti taught me a few things," Cadan explained. The former Queen of Nidum had loved cooking as a way to unwind, and enjoyed serving traditional home-cooked meals. Cooking with the Queen and Magnus—and Senan too now and then—was home to Cadan, as much as anything else. The thought of family and home led unerringly to the missing children, though, and Cadan pulled herself back to the moment.
Sophi rested a hand on Cadan's lower back, but stood far enough back that she was not in the way. Mixing the heavy dough to the perfect glutinous-smooth texture took some muscle. "You're making so much!" she exclaimed.
"Oh." Cadan faltered slightly before adding a little more boiling water and continuing beating the dough. She hadn't thought about the quantity she was making. She only ever cooked at home. She was not cooking for Magnus, whose appetite nearly matched her own, and her mother and fathers and her niblings and any other family or friends or palace staff who wanted some. "I'm sorry." Sophi offered her the food in her ship, and of course Cadan used too much.
"Don't worry about it." Sophi rubbed Cadan's back, still smiling. "We can save it and enjoy the leftovers. I haven't had nut stew in years, and your version smells amazing."
Cadan leaned slightly against Sophi in thanks, and turned the stove off. Sophi stayed silently beside her while Cadan finished beating the dough.
"How much do you want?" she asked Sophi, getting one of the larger bowls off the shelf for her own serving. It was almost certainly intended to be a serving bowl rather than an eating bowl.
"I'll have one of the smallest bowls full," Sophi requested. "And serve up the same for Farah and Gamal, they can come back for seconds if they want. Dr. Hanne is off shift, but sie can have leftovers later."
Cadan got out the requested bowls and a tray to put them on. "I don't know how you survive," she observed as she dampened her palms and began shaping small balls of fufu for the little bowls. Such a tiny serving would hardly register in her stomach.
"Maybe some of us just run more efficiently than certain towering columns of muscle," Sophi shot back. Her eyes were laughing at Cadan as she ladled nut stew into the bowls.
Cadan just snorted in answer, quickly shaping her own more reasonably sized ball of fufu. Another time she might have argued that she was efficient at what she was good for, knowing that Sophi would likely turn it sexual. Another time it might have ended in slinging Sophi over her shoulder to carry her laughing back to her bed. She didn't, though, and Sophi just smiled and ladled stew into her bowl for her. Cadan liked sex with Sophi, when she was able to, but this companionship was nice too. Who'd have known they could do anything but bed each other and argue?
Sophi's communicator pinged with a message. "Farah says I want to take a call in the helm?" She distractedly put the ladle down and patted Cadan's shoulder in passing as she left the kitchen.
Cadan quickly put the leftover food away, worry prickling down the back of her neck. If there had been good news, if the children had been found, Cadan would have been the one contacted. It might've been any kind of bad news, out here in Imperial space. Cadan resisted the urge to run after Sophi and instead carried the tray of bowls carefully toward the helm, past blattas curiously waving their antennas at the unfamiliar scent of the stew.
Sophi's laugh drifted out of the helm, and a little of Cadan's worry eased. Sophi was smiling at someone on the other side of the viewscreen, a man with wide, laughing brown eyes and shaggy black hair. He was wearing an Imperial uniform, yellow collar and emblems—a communications officer. His ship was near enough to the Rhyssa that the time delay was almost unnoticeable.
"I know you didn't call just to visit, Melo," Sophi chastised lightly as Cadan offered the stew to Gamal and Farah. "What do you have for me? What are you doing out here?"
"Right, right, sorry, Sophi. I couldn't help myself. I got distracted as soon as I saw your radiant face." He attempted a soulful look, but laughed at himself. "We got word from Commander Li that there was definitely nothing official to check out in this region. With a bunch of soldiers. As soon as possible." He grinned. "So we're not checking anything out, here, now. Hah, the captain's giving me dirty looks, I need to be serious. This ship you're chasing, the Vidua, never reached its stated destination. It blinked into a blank spot and never blinked back. So, of course, we sent a little probe to check on them. Can't leave people abandoned." Melo mimed something small, no bigger than the pinches of fufu Cadan was eating with her soup as she watched him. "Nothing they'd have the sensors to pick up. I'm sending the info now—they're light, practically empty, and they're hiding. I think you have the right ship."
They had the right ship. They had the right ship, the Vidua must have the children. A tremble passed through Cadan's body, fear and hope and rage.
"The Rhyssa's more nimble than we are, you'll reach them first," Melo predicted. "We're just here to clean up afterward. What are you after, anyway? No one will tell any of us poor grunts."
"I can't tell you either, Melo. I'm sorry," Sophi said. "Something very important. Thank you for the information."
He continued smiling. "It's my job, and any day I get to see you is a beautiful day. Will we get to see you in person soon?" he asked, quirking an eyebrow.
Sophi smiled back. "Not this time." He mimed heartbreak and they blew kisses to each other, then the communication ended.
Sophi called for Kriikisiii to come calculate a more efficient route for them now they had exact coordinates, to get to the children faster. She finally took her bowl of stew and complimented the flavors to Cadan, but Cadan was a galaxy away. Every fiber of her being was straining toward the children she might finally have found, she might finally be able to protect. Her hands were holding her bowl and feeding her fufu and stew on their own, without any input from her. She didn't have any to give. She continued, because she knew she would need her strength in a few hours. Just a few hours.
Cadan was not sure when she'd sat down with Sophi cuddled up to her side, both of them finishing up their servings of stew.
"He was very friendly," Cadan's mouth said.
"Melo's fun," Sophi answered, laughing slightly. "Such a flirt, he and his partner both."
"Are you lovers with them?" Cadan's mouth asked.
"Occasionally," Sophi said lightly. "They're fun. They treat me like their queen, and when I can't have any more orgasms, I have them pleasure each other for my entertainment."
"That's nice." Cadan continued eating her stew, scooping up the last flavorful bites with the last of the fufu. "Do they not want to work for you?"
Sophi blinked at Cadan in surprise, before leaning over to bump her shoulder against Cadan's arm. "I never offered; I already have Farah for communications. They're fun, but I wouldn't want them all the time."
Cadan nodded and gathered up everyone's empty bowls to return to the kitchen. It was a simple task, something she could do with her entire mind taken in thoughts of her children. Soon she would have them back, and she would fight anyone who dared stand in her way. Just a few more hours. She was coming for them.
What Sophi had said to her was probably important, along with so much else Sophi had said and done these past days as they hunted. Companionship and affection and scarves, arguments and the pain after, talk of family and childhood and a soft murmur of "love." Cadan pushed them all aside, out of mind. She could not decipher and handle them right now. Right now all that mattered was the children, and Cadan was so close to finding them.
Cadan had her goal, her focus. Any distractions could wait for later.