Why Does Your Body React This Way?Preventing Relationship Meltdowns
INFERTILITY CAN TAKE over your life. It affects how you feel about yourself, your relationships, and your life perspective. The stress and frustration that accompany not being able to conceive can be so profound that sometimes even strong relationships wither. So what can you do to nourish loved ones instead of pushing them away when saddled with such emotional upheaval? The answer might surprise you: plenty. First, know that you’re far from alone in your feelings.
Pushing Him Away Gave Him a Way Out
I knew what I was doing. I could feel myself pushing him away. I was cold, distant, and not very nice. At the time I felt like I was doing the right thing—the only fair thing in an unfair situation—giving him a way out if he needed it. We even talked about separation. But during all our discussions he kept saying the same thing: he wanted the old me back. After searching our hearts and spilling our feelings to a counselor, we did the only sane thing. We got each other back.
—Jeanette, 36, sales representative
SMOOTHING OUT RELATIONSHIP KINKS
Millions have traveled a similar path searching for coping mechanisms to smooth out relationship kinks. While there’s a treasure trove full of information in this chapter about how to do this, you’ll need to find what tools work best for your specific personality and situation. No one would expect a person who can only sleep surrounded by a barricade of pillows to spoon their partner all night. Yet if you’re willing to try something different, it might spice things up. Always gauge your comfort level before using a relationship technique mentioned here. If used as suggested, the tips in this chapter can give you a baseline for building trust, maintaining relationships, avoiding burnout, and alienating the people you need the most.
Ever wonder why you alienate the ones you love when faced with a difficult situation? It’s actually very simple: you’re under stress and may not even know it. Stress occurs when you sense an urgent need to fulfill an immediate action or change. All humans have an innate “fight or flight” reaction to stress. This reaction (or response) helps us extricate ourselves from threatening situations.
Why Does Your Body React This Way?
Let’s pretend you’re a sixteenth-century warrior clad in armor ready for battle. If your enemy pierces your arm with a spear (darn metal suit—you’ll have to talk to your blacksmith when you get home), you’ll bleed less because your blood vessels are constricted under stress and most of your blood concentrates around your heart and other vital organs.
When we’re threatened, several changes occur in our body: our blood vessels constrict, our sweat glands secrete sweat, our eyes widen to improve peripheral vision, and our body flushes greater amounts of adrenalin (and noradrenalin) into our bloodstream.
Stress can snowball if you’re experiencing negative emotions, namely anger, anxiety, or depression. In fact, research has shown that depression in infertile women registers around the same dangerous levels as those suffering from heart disease or cancer. Keep in mind that experiencing some negative feelings is normal. After all, infertility affects you on a number of levels—psychological, physiological, physical, spiritual, and social. The sooner you become aware of negative feelings, the faster you’ll be able to deal with them.
Why do you feel overwhelmed? Besides remaining childless, change is the reason. When you begin treatment your life takes an alternate course. Instead of what you were doing before, now you’re going to appointments, missing time away from your job, family, friends, and activities. Juggling your time may cause conflicts with your boss or even your spouse. Expenses you may incur along the way might not help matters. Marriages, partnerships, or even parents who choose to be single can feel the pinch of any one or more of these stressors.
Stress is a stealth enemy. It can sneak up on you, but there are ways to combat it. Here are some situations to avoid so you can stay grounded.
• loved ones who refuse to offer their support
• invitations to baby showers, birthday parties, or other child-centered activities
• well-meaning family, friends, or strangers who ask “the baby question”
• holidays when you may have time to dwell on being childless
• casual comments made by people who have no idea what you’re going through
• bosses who don’t understand why you need to be away from the office
Recognition is the first step to regaining control of your life. Anytime you feel depressed you might want to journal your feelings or talk to someone who loves and supports you. Knowing what triggers negative feelings in you will help you develop a plan of action to avoid them.
Ending Up on the Same Page
I was going through so many emotions. On one hand, I wanted to be a mother, but on the other, I enjoyed experiencing life as a couple. I loved teaching, attending family functions, and traveling alone with Ignacio. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to give all that up.
But when I finally figured out I wanted to be a mother, Ignacio didn’t want any part of it. He refused to hear or talk about it. But the more we talked, the more he wanted to talk about it. I had already done all the soul searching I needed to, and he had just begun. Before long I saw his heart open. Until that time we had always lived with the expectation of remaining childless because I was never physically able to carry a child.
—Claudia, 34, teacher
UNDERSTANDING YOUR EMOTIONAL REALITIES
Stress is only one of the emotional realities you’ll go through when dealing with infertility. You might experience a myriad of feelings, including denial, anger, anxiety, ambivalence, indifference, irritability, frustration, hopelessness, despondency, despair, guilt, mourning, depression, or isolation. Any one of these feelings can come and go throughout your infertility, or you may feel one or more for an extended amount of time. It’s not uncommon for partners to feel different emotions at the same time. This is how tension builds in your relationship. For example, you might feel hopelessness while your partner feels indifference. Or you might feel guilt while your partner feels anger. Knowing that you may be on separate emotional plateaus is key to meeting each other’s needs.
Coping after Multiple Miscarriages
That was the one that almost destroyed us. Christine and I saw a heartbeat. It was our fifth miscarriage. We refer to that day as our personal doomsday. Our doctor at the time told us the pregnancy was a fluke because of an extra chromosome. If we had known about PGD (or PGS), we could have done something about it. The same doctor told us that, genetically, we couldn’t have children together. Can you believe that? We had triplets.
—Cesar, 42, marketing director
If you’ve had one or more miscarriages or stillbirths, chances are you’re experiencing a host of feelings. This is a good time to get in touch with your feelings by going somewhere that helps you relax, like a beloved beach, a serene lake, or a scenic spot in the mountains. Sort out your feelings, and journal if you’re up to it. If this is your reality, you’ll most likely grieve the same way you would if you had a sudden death in your immediate (adult) family or close circle of friends. You’ll likely experience the following stages.
1. Denial: Refusing to acknowledge, admit, or face up to an unpleasant occurrence.
2. Anger: Extreme annoyance that may include verbal assaults on loved ones.
3. Bargaining: Charitable acts or attempts to reconcile wounded relationships.
4. Depression: Overwhelming feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
5. Acceptance: Acknowledging that an unpleasant event occurred and then moving on.
Going through these stages is essential for you to heal. You may go through each stage individually or several at once. Once you’ve reached the point of acceptance, your life will get easier. But just because you’ve accepted your reality doesn’t mean that you forgot what happened. One can never forget the death of a child, even if that child is a developing fetus. Grieving is our body’s way of healing that allows us to accept past events and enjoy life again regardless of our disappointments.
Grieving after Multiple Miscarriages
I probably felt more empathy for Jeanette than my own grief. While I certainly grieved, I know I wasn’t feeling anything like what she was feeling, so my grief seemed irrelevant. Knowing what she had been through, how bad she wanted it, all the sacrifices and the perseverance, the tenacity, and then the letdown. Looking back, it was as much frustration as it was my own feelings, knowing that I could never possibly relate to it at the level she was. And I never did.
—Mike, 45, small business owner
Most of us like intrigue, whether in the form of a crossword puzzle, a board game, a thriller, or a benign TV game show. But playing bedroom detective isn’t going to ingratiate you to your partner. This includes casual comments or remarks camouflaged as jokes about who’s to blame. Finding out “who done it” when it comes to infertility is as helpful to your relationship as strolling hand in hand through a minefield.
While it might be tempting to blame your partner when you’re in an argument, don’t. Remember that nobody chooses to be infertile. Nobody wants this condition, nobody asks for it, and nobody welcomes it. If you feel like you have to make a comment, try to say something positive instead or walk away until you can regain your composure. Once you’re calm, think about how you feel when someone blames you for something you can’t control. You probably feel crummy. Now multiply that by ten, and you’ll get the idea of how your partner would feel if you blamed him.
Handling Stress
Here are some suggestions for productive ways you can deal with stress.
• Know what treatment options (traditional and complementary), resources, and coping skills can help you regain control of your situation.
• Maintain healthy eating habits and exercise regularly. Even a brisk walk can make a difference.
• Join a fertility support group or frequent online chats and discussion boards.
• Journal or talk to family members or friends who support your decisions.
• Find a counselor or therapist who can help you cope with your emotions and channel any negativity you may have into actions that help you reach your goal.
• Do something special for yourself. Whether it’s a day at the spa, a minivacation, or a spiritual retreat, it’s important to indulge yourself when you’re under stress.
• Consider taking a breather from treatment. If you’re overwhelmed, take a few months off, reevaluate your situation, and, when you’re ready, try again.
Instead of blaming their partners, some people get depressed because they blame themselves. If this describes you or your partner, you should seek help now. Without help, your stress level and that of those around you will increase tenfold. Think of blame like a rotten apple: Would you eat it? Would you serve it to someone you cared about? Chances are you wouldn’t dream of either. What really matters is living in the present. Try not to dwell on past events and focus instead on what needs to happen to move forward. Enjoy each moment and live day by day. Besides, at the end of the day it really doesn’t matter whose issue it is.
Everyone reacts differently to stress. It’s up to you to know your unique stress threshold and that of your partner. For instance, when you’re under stress you might want more comfort and support until the pressure subsides. Your partner, however, might need something entirely different, such as additional space to process his situation. In time you’ll both respond to the situation but in your own way. Knowing how you both work best when faced with change allows you to avoid unnecessary conflict. Make a point to communicate what you need when new situations arise. By doing this you’ll both weather difficult situations with relative ease.
Do you know what the number-one cause of separation and divorce is in America? If you guessed financial reasons, consider this a high five. So how can you prevent your relationship from deteriorating when every dollar you make (and sometimes more) is paying for fertility treatments? The key is to address money issues openly instead of ignoring them or, worse, pretending they don’t matter. Before deciding on a treatment, discuss your budget and set realistic ceilings on what you can afford. Always make mutual decisions, and agree to be honest about your expenditures. You can probably think of at least one time when someone you love agreed to something solely on the basis that you wanted it. Don’t let this happen. Expenditures that involve creating life need mutual agreement for reasons that extend far beyond financial.
All stable relationships have one thing in common: partners respect each other enough to make mutual decisions when it comes to spending and saving. You don’t have to share the same philosophy about spending to make joint decisions about where your money goes. For instance, you might be a spender whereas your partner is a saver. Or you might be a clean freak when your partner is a pack rat. Behaviors like these are part of who we are; they are the fabric that makes us unique. Instead of trying to change these behaviors (another reason for divorce), try resolving the issue.
If you’re on a fixed budget or funds are scarce, ask your fertility specialist about help with financing or see page 37 for creative ways to get an edge on financing or taxes. Issues that involve hefty sums of cash can often cause tension and stress in places that had none before. You may even have to adjust your priorities and expectations to reach your desired goal. Keep in mind that everything worth having takes effort. The same is true with overcoming infertility to build a family.
What it comes down to is, no matter what your situation entails, never take each other for granted. You wouldn’t step down this path if you weren’t interested in having a biological child. Take pride in the fact that you’re doing everything you can to make sure what could be a bumpy ride is smooth sailing.
Enjoy every day of your experience by putting some of these commonsense tips into practice. Try not to take your situation too seriously. This may seem hard at first because infertility can feel like a plague that destroys your entire life. Try focusing on the resolution instead of your pain. By doing this you can move toward your goal while managing the way you feel. Once you reach your goal, your path will be a fleeting memory. After all, although infertility can cause immense pain and agony, it’s not the same type of suffering that we see on a daily basis in many undeveloped parts of the world: hunger, war, and poverty. Nearly every couple who reaches their goal is fortunate enough to have a number of blessings for which to give thanks.
TEN SIGNS OF BURNOUT
• chronic fatigue—exhaustion, tiredness, feeling physically run down
• explodes over trivial matters and others’ requests
• overly self-critical about trivial matters and carrying out others’ requests
• growing feelings of cynicism, negativity, and irritability
• symptoms of anxiety—shortness of breath, trembling hands, stumbling over words
• physical signs of stress—frequent headaches and gastrointestinal problems
• insomnia (sleeplessness) and depression (helplessness)
• overwhelming feeling that people are against you
• uncharacteristic degree of risk taking
• unanticipated weight loss or weight gain
Holidays place immense stress on even the most well-adjusted couples. When you’re dealing with infertility as well, it elevates you to a whole new level of stress. To-do lists, gift buying, tree trimming, and meal preparation can overwhelm you at a time when thinking about family causes pain.
This season you may ask yourself how once-beloved events like hanging holiday ornaments, kissing beneath mistletoe, and sipping apple cider can turn into something you dread. It’s because you naturally want to spend holidays with immediate family, but they may not be at the top of your list when you can’t produce a family of your own. If you’re trying unsuccessfully to start a family and relatives with children are around to remind you that you haven’t quite gotten that part right (they don’t even have to say anything—just their presence is enough to upset you), the end result can be devastating.
What can you do to avoid heartaches next holiday? Do you have a game plan to dodge photo ops with Santa or cards bearing family portraits? How do you deal with all the family members and in-laws you’ve managed to avoid the previous 12 months? The answers to these questions are simple: modify your level of involvement. Scale back activities you once enjoyed: holiday parties, gift swapping, Christmas caroling, church functions, window shopping, and opening holiday cards. Shop online and ask your partner to open holiday cards for you. This way you can avoid running into constant reminders that may make you feel blue.
If you always host the holidays at your home, give yourself a hall pass this year or ask someone else in your family to do it. Don’t feel pressured to live up to your usual Martha Stewart standards. This year you’re dealing with a condition that requires you to feel relaxed and have a positive outlook 24/7.
Before you redefine your holiday itinerary, talk to your partner and make joint decisions about what events to attend, what you can reasonably afford for gifts, and how to deal with overbearing family members. People celebrate holidays for spiritual and social reasons and to end the year with joy, peace, and new beginnings. Celebrating anything may be difficult if you’re experiencing an overwhelming sense of loss. Stay in tune with your feelings, and commit to only those activities that remain well within your comfort zone.
FIVE WAYS TO STAY SANE DURING THE HOLIDAYS
1. Don’t overcommit—do only as much as you feel up to.
2. Modify your holiday schedule as you see fit.
3. Give yourself permission to pass on invitations that make you uncomfortable.
4. Go only to those events that allow for a quick exit.
5. Get away for a fun-filled weekend. Find time for jogging, hiking, cycling, skiing, or just about anything physical outdoors. If nothing else, your mind will be free of worries and you’ll feel better.
Feeling like you are heard, understood, and accepted is by far one of your greatest needs. Why is it that so many couples feel their partner falls short in this department? Perhaps it’s because we live in a fast-paced society and there are so many stimuli competing for our attention that we have a hard time focusing on just one. Chalk it up as a side effect of nine-to-five multitasking.
Whatever you want to attribute selective listening to, the fact remains that your partner may think he’s listening when in fact the day’s events, what his boss said, or a host of things to do around the house may inadvertently override your words. Maybe your partner has even accused you of not being an active listener. Try these techniques to bridge the gap between hearing and understanding.
1. Paraphrase. Show not only that you heard your partner but also that you care enough to listen. Repeat what he said in your own words, and start by saying something like, “It sounds like what you’re saying is . . . ”
2. Don’t assume anything. The quickest way to turn your partner off is to assume you know what he’s about to say before he’s says it. Don’t you want to finish your stories without interruptions?
3. Don’t criticize or nag. Doing so only erodes his confidence and creates resentment. This sentiment was well captured when country band the Notorious Cherry Bombs recorded a song in 2004 titled “It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night That Chew Your A$@ Out All Day Long.”
4. Use “I” statements. Using “you” statements will put your partner on the defensive. Avoid statements like, “You always leave laundry all over the floor.” Instead, say what you’re feeling and what you want to happen. For instance: “I really value a tidy household and I get upset when I see laundry on the floor.” Then ask him to keep his laundry in a designated area.
5. Use accessible body language. Crossing your arms and legs, looking at the floor or ceiling, rolling your eyes, clenching your fists or teeth, and yawning all give negative cues to your partner. Instead, keep your arms and legs loosely by your sides to indicate your willingness to talk, use eye contact, relax your fists and jaw, use a normal tone of voice, and stay awake.
6. Watch your tone of voice. Avoid using a sharp or terse tone of voice or letting out loud sighs. Instead, talk in a normal, calm tone, and pay attention.
7. Empathize. Understanding where your partner is coming from is essential to your relationship. Empathy is different from sympathy. Your job is to identify with your partner’s unique perspective, but don’t feel sorry for him.
8. Avoid playing devil’s advocate. Doing this is a sure way to get into an argument. While you might be trying to point out what the absent party is thinking, they’re not the one expected to kiss you at night, and you really have no way of knowing what he is really thinking, anyway. Your concern for anyone’s interest other than your partner’s will likely backfire, and your partner will think you’re challenging his actions. Chances are your partner already has an idea what the other party is thinking. Try validating what your partner did or at least soften the blow if you don’t agree by telling him you love him and you understand his position.
Even the closest relationships can end up on the breakers once in a while. Spats with your partner are bound to occur. When enough of these quarrels color your relationship, your lover might as well be a walking cuttlefish.
Sex as an RX
Sex of necessity became mechanic and unromantic. We had to have sex according to doctor’s orders instead of spontaneously. Because of this, we have struggled with sex and romance ever since.
—Mark, 40, professor
With infertility some couples complain that lovemaking is scheduled in such a way that it’s a turnoff. The key to keeping your relationship exciting is to allow for some spontaneity. Let’s face it: what makes lovemaking exciting is the impulsiveness that can accompany it. This is also why you might hear of someone happily married having a random affair. The marriage may be solid in every way but the bedroom. Use these tips to reel in your relationship before it slips out to sea.
1. Kidnap your partner. Pack a suitcase in advance, make travel arrangements, and whisk him away to an undisclosed location. If it’s a long vacation or if he’s the type who likes to pack his own things or needs more information, simply tell him what he needs to bring that is appropriate for the location.
2. Cook your partner’s favorite dish. Add scented candles, soft music, and fragrant flowers, and afterward serve him his favorite dessert: you.
3. Delight your partner with a scavenger hunt. Write down riddles that only he could know and hide them in different locations of your home. Mark each secret location with a small gift that you can both use later. When he discovers his final clue, make sure he’s in an intimate place marked with rose petals where you can cap off his evening with a relaxing head-to-toe body massage with aromatherapy. Enjoy those gifts!
4. Surprise your partner after a business trip. Tell your spouse you can’t pick him up at the airport and then let him know you’ll arrange a limousine service instead. Tell the limousine service to pick you up first. Hide in the backseat dressed to the nines with a dozen roses, two glasses, and a bottle of premium champagne (or nonalcoholic drink if that’s what’s expected). Welcome him back as he’s getting in the car. (I did this, and Adam loved it.)
5. Take your spouse out on regular dates. It’s easy to forget how you paired up in the first place when you stop making time for each other. Try recreating those initial sparks by visiting some of your old romantic haunts or finding new places to rekindle the fire.
WHAT QUESTIONS SHOULD YOU ASK?
Now that you know what causes relationship meltdowns, how do you keep the fires burning? The main pitfall you’ll want to avoid is taking each other for granted. This happens when you get so comfortable in your relationship that you forget the simple things that matter. Blaming is also another sure way to build a wall in your relationship. Instead, tell your partner you love him, kiss him before he goes to work, wish him a great day, call him during work hours, ask him that evening how his day went, or even reach out to hold his hand while you’re on the town. All these gestures (and especially showering him with attention in public) show him how much you care. Although your partner might question an isolated public display of affection, daily doses are hard to fake.
Don’t wait for Valentine’s Day, your anniversary, or his birthday to give him a token of appreciation. Buy a special gift every so often for no reason at all. Surprise him with an expensive gift, bedroom attire, something he’s been talking about, or something absolutely silly. It really doesn’t matter what it is; what matters is that you took the time to think about him, pick it out, buy it, wrap it, and give it to him. If you’re on a budget, make sure the gift you choose is within your means. Remember, it’s not the cost that counts but the thought behind it.
Whatever you do, live in the moment and celebrate your spouse each and every day. Love is lost only if we lose it. This doesn’t mean you have to work on loving each other every day. If that were true, you’d have two jobs: one away from home and one at home. Let your relationship take a natural course. Love is something that just happens. But it grows only if you nourish it.
Above all, mutual respect in a relationship is a valued commodity. The people who have it treasure it; those who don’t feel like something is missing. Try to deliver simple things that don’t have a price tag like a smile, a thank you, and an occasional “I’m sorry.” When done right, they give you the warm fuzzies, lighten your step, and make your rough day right again.
Ask yourself the following questions. If you can’t honestly answer no to each one, then you may want to discuss your answers with your partner or a therapist.
• Do you push your partner away (or other loved ones) when you’re under stress?
• Are you blaming your partner or yourself for something you can’t control, such as infertility?
• Are you unsure of what you can do to reduce your stress level?
• Is there tension in your relationship?
• Are you doing anything to counter stress and boost your health?
• Have you experienced symptoms of burnout?
• Do you practice the eight keys to successful communication?
• Are you feeling stress: psychologically, physiologically, physically, spiritually, socially or all the above?
• Are you turned off by mechanical and unromantic sex prescribed by your doctor in the hopes of getting pregnant?
• Infertility can take over your life. It affects how you feel about yourself, your relationships, and your life perspective.
• Sudden change in your life may be the reason you feel overwhelmed when undergoing fertility treatments. New appointments, taking time from work, family, friends, and activities may cause you distress.
• All humans have an innate “fight or flight” reaction to stress. Know what triggers this response, and devise a plan to manage it.
• Understand your emotional realities and that of your partner. It’s not uncommon for partners to feel different emotions at the same time.
• If you had one or more miscarriages or stillbirths, chances are you spent time grieving your loss. Know the five stages of grieving. The grieving process is essential so you can heal and learn to enjoy life again.
• No matter how tempted you are to blame your partner or yourself, remember that nobody chooses to be infertile. Nobody wants this condition, nobody asks for it, and nobody welcomes it.
• Address money issues openly and never ignore them. Always make mutual decisions regarding expenditures.
• Holidays can place an enormous amount of stress on anyone, especially couples going through infertility treatments. Modify your level of involvement and redefine your “‘tis the season” itinerary.
• Let your partner know that you not only heard what he had to say but also understood it.
• Even ideal relationships need spicing up once in awhile.