“You’re coming with me,” Nina said, grabbing my hand and yanking me toward the stairwell.
It was Friday afternoon, and I was congratulating myself on having survived what had been the worst two weeks of school ever. Not only did I have to deal with Luisa’s eye daggers, but Kane and I had agreed to maintain a distance, because we didn’t want to cast any more suspicion on ourselves. I knew that was a good move, but it didn’t stop me from missing him.
But I missed Declan more. We went on as if life was the same, but there was a subtle shift. Every time Declan blew me off, despite having a good excuse, I worried. In the first weeks of the new year, he was always busy with some school project. This time was worse than when he’d ignored me before. He wasn’t fixing up a new car for me. He said he was busy because he’d missed classes while he was out with the flu, but he definitely didn’t have the senioritis that had hit most Deer Hills seniors.
It was more than that, though. Whenever we kissed, he felt stiff in my arms. I couldn’t help but think he was imagining me kissing Kane. He’d never been much of a talker, but he was quieter than usual. I’d vowed to be extra sweet to him, bringing him an extra boat of french fries for lunch, leaving notes in his locker. He used to call me the best girlfriend ever and pull me into his arms every chance he got. Now he smiled mirthlessly, and we barely touched.
Our whole group of six had fractured, and it was all my fault.
“Where are we going?” I asked Nina, confused. It was after last period, and I’d gathered my books for weekend homework so I could make a quick getaway to the junior parking lot.
She winked at me and showed me three of her dad’s credit cards. “To the mall. My dad was feeling generous last night.”
“I thought we were going to the basketball game.”
The Deer Hills High basketball team had finally gotten into the playoffs, which had never happened before, so the entire student body was having an unusual fit of school spirit. Deer Hills excelled at baseball and football, because of Kane. But we’d sucked at basketball. So everyone was wearing Deer Hills red today, and we’d had a big pep rally after lunch.
I’d noticed the problem then, when I’d seen Nina sitting alone, cheeks red, face scrunched in a snarl. Nina never sat alone. Javier was so attached to her that he might as well have been a wart.
She shook her head. “Not us. You really care about basketball?”
The answer to that was no. But I did care that the six of us would finally be together again. Maybe we could heal some rifts, bonding over our shared school spirit. Mostly, I wanted to heal with Declan. I wanted to make things right, so much so that if I could’ve subtracted years from my life in order to turn back time to before New Year’s, I would have. “Well…”
“Javier and I broke up,” Nina announced grandly.
“You did? Why?”
It wasn’t much of a shock. They’d broken up at least three times that previous year, because they were polar opposites. “Because he’s a turd, that’s why. He’s always looking at other girls. And then I heard he was flirting with a freshman saxophone player in band.”
“Okay, but—”
“Luisa’s not going, and—”
“She’s not?”
“Yeah, have you noticed? She has the biggest stick up her butt, lately. Ever since New Year’s. She doesn’t want anything to do with us anymore.”
Not us, I thought. Me.
“And I’m not going either, if it means being with Jav. So do you really want to go to the ball game with the three stooges?” she asked me. Without waiting for an answer, she said, “Thought not! So you’re coming with me. To the mall. I want to get a hot outfit so I can show Javier what he can’t have.”
“Um…” I’d long since lost interest in the mall. Ever since Declan and I had become a couple, I’d kind of let my appearance go, wearing jeans and sweatshirts everywhere, since I’d been so comfortable with us. But maybe that hadn’t been wise. Maybe I should have been making more of an effort to look nice for him. Despite having been in relationships for longer than I’d been, Nina and Luisa always dressed to impress. I could also get the stuff I needed for Declan’s scrapbook project at the mall…
Still, I didn’t want to give up my chance to be with Declan. That was what mattered. “I really should be with Declan. I haven’t had a chance to see him much.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Really?”
“I’m sorry, but yeah,” I said surely.
She huffed, then started to pout. “I can’t believe you’re going to leave me alone in my time of need. I thought it was holes before poles forever, girl.”
“I’m sorry.”
I was sorry, especially when I got to my car and saw Declan leaning against it. “Hey,” he said as I approached.
I leaned over to give him a kiss, a chaste one on his cheek that he didn’t return. “You get the note I left in your locker?”
He nodded. “I did. Thanks.”
It had been kind of corny, about how I was looking forward to going out with him that night. I wanted him to know that I thought of him, and only him. I wanted him to understand that I didn’t care about Kane in the least. “Oh. So…you need a ride home?”
He shook his head. “I wanted to let you know I can’t be there tonight. I’ve got a project to do for physics, and I’m just not feeling basketball. You know me and sports.”
“Oh,” I said, my spirits plummeting. He’s just not feeling it. But I’d be there. Meaning he wasn’t feeling me. “So what? You’re going to sit at home alone, on a Friday?”
He cocked a grin my way. “Never stopped me before.” He took my hand. “I’ll make it up to you. Okay?”
I widened my eyes hopefully. “How?”
He let out a snort of a laugh. “I don’t know. I’ll think of something.” Not having a romantic retort was so, so unlike Declan. “Have fun at the game. Text me who wins.”
The idea of going to a game with Kane and Javier made me feel sick. I couldn’t go with Kane. Didn’t Declan know how awkward that’d be? Didn’t Declan see how hard I’d been trying to avoid him? Or didn’t he care? I started to tell him that I wasn’t sure if I’d even go, but he checked the screen of his phone and cut me off.
“All right. I’ve got to go.” He said it as if what I did made no difference to him, but he held my gloved hand in his and said, “Be safe.”
At least he wants me to be safe. See? He does care. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him, but as he leaned back against the hood of my Jeep, I had the oddest feeling that I was cornering him, that he was kissing me because he couldn’t escape otherwise. He slid his arms around my waist, and I savored the feeling. That innocent touch was a lifeline. I kissed him longer than I should have, even after he tried to let go.
You hate me, I thought when I looked into his eyes. Just tell me you do.
But there was nothing in those eyes that told me anything. They used to speak the world to me. And they’d gone utterly dead. Declan didn’t spew hate. Didn’t even show it. He kept that inside. Always had.
The trip to the mall with Nina was the shopping trip from hell. I should’ve known. Nina was fashion-forward, and shopping was a marathon sport for her. We stayed at the mall until eight thirty, until my feet were aching and I wanted to cry. All I had to show for our excursion was an American Eagle sweater that I’d gotten on clearance. When Nina dropped me off at nine, the street was quiet. It was still early, as far as Fridays went. My parents were out, and it was likely the basketball game wouldn’t be over for another couple of hours. I went inside and got myself a Coke, then texted Declan. Home. Want me to come over?
I waited for a response, but there was nothing. Sighing, I went upstairs and looked across Fox Court to his room.
There was only one light on in the entire Weeks house, his. Kane wouldn’t be back for a while. So he was in there. Why wasn’t he checking his phone?
I watched for a little longer, willing my phone to buzz, but it didn’t.
I’d finally made the decision to go over when I saw a silhouette in the window. Just a shape, beyond the blinds.
And then another. They joined together, and my heart dropped.
I’m not sure what I was thinking when I did what I did next. I grabbed my camera, then hurried downstairs and out the door. I ran across the street to Declan’s house, climbed the trellis and peeked inside.
At first, I saw nothing, and hoped what I’d seen was all a big misunderstanding. Maybe Kane had come home early. But when I moved to the side to see between the windowsill and the closed blinds, I saw the curved slope of Luisa’s naked back, her white-blond hair tumbling down over her shoulders.
This was a mistake, I told myself, scrabbling forward on the roofing tiles, pushing ever closer to see something that would explain away what was happening inside.
Instead, the vision only got clearer. Luisa was naked, straddling him. Straddling my Declan. He had his hands around her backside, holding her on him. His top half was propped against the headboard, and he had a look on his face… It was the same look he’d given me outside the school that afternoon. Just…dead. He wasn’t happy anymore. He held her as she moved on him, wriggling, bouncing, tossing her head back. I could hear her animal noises through the closed window. But he was so, so silent.
Revenge. That was the first thought that hit me. His. Mine. I felt the weight of the camera in my hand. I don’t know why I’d been saving that last picture for our selfie. I’d take this picture and photocopy it, plaster it around school. Make them pay.
I raised the camera to the window, my eyes bleary with tears, unfocused. I snapped the picture, not caring what was in the screen as I watched him lurch forward, his hands tightening around her back as he came.
This was the boy who’d wanted to wait for marriage.
I went back to my house quietly and riffled through my jewelry box. I pulled out the tiny heart with the diamond and stared at it. Then I went in front of the mirror and put it on, trying to erase the images I’d just seen. Only two words stuck in my head as I climbed into bed, my eyes swollen from crying.
We’re forever.