I haven’t slept in days. Not since I discovered what a cheating liar I was. I can’t help thinking that Luisa was right: I am responsible for Declan’s death.
Juliet watches me silently as I sit in the blue chair in her office. I take a bottle of Poland Spring, drink, and say, “I don’t have very much to say today.”
“You don’t? You missed last week.”
It’s not that I don’t have things to say. I don’t have the energy to say them. “Everything’s fine. Good. I mean, I even went shopping this weekend. For prom dresses.”
She stares at me with narrowed eyes as if she doesn’t believe me. “That’s great. You’re going to the prom?”
“Oh. No. I’m… You know. Moving on. Like I should be. Right?”
I thought that was the correct answer, but from the way she’s looking at me, it’s not.
“Yes. But what brought this about?” She flips through pages on her clipboard. “Last time we met, you were having some concerns about Declan’s death.”
I nod. “I don’t have them anymore. He killed himself.”
She seems surprised by my progress. She taps her pen on her pad. “And what brought you to that conclusion?”
Do I have to go into it? I’m not sure I can. Instead, I say, “I went through the box.”
“The box of things his mother gave you? So you found it therapeutic?”
I nod. She seems pleased, as though her suggestion has me on the path to recovery, and if she wants to think that, fine. I’m happy to increase her self-worth the way she thinks she’s increasing mine. “I found mementos from things he did with my best friend. My ex-best friend. And it made me remember things about him. He was cheating on me.”
“With”—she flips back some pages—“Luisa?”
“Yes. He had this whole secret life I knew nothing about, and so I guess I didn’t know him well. I spoke to his priest, and he told me that Declan had stopped going to church, and that he was one to harbor guilt and not let it out. Maybe he was suicidal. I can’t know what was going through his head, because I didn’t know him.” I swallow, pushing away memories that will only have me sobbing again.
“And?”
“And what? It hurts. But part of me feels like a weight has been lifted off me. I’d built him up in my head, thought he was so perfect. I was worried I wasn’t good enough for him. Now? I don’t know. It helps to know he was human.”
She smiles. “Well, that’s encouraging.”
“So, yes,” I say. “I’m not the person who knew him best. I didn’t know that he had a vengeful side. That he could sleep with someone to get even, then lie straight to my face about it.”
“You think that’s what he did?”
I nod. “I know it. He couldn’t have cared about Luisa. Please. She told me she thought it’s my fault he died.”
“You spoke to her?”
I nodded again. Wow, it turns out, a lot has happened since I last spoke to Juliet. “Yes. I guess she meant he was so full of guilt over hurting me. And I…” I blush sheepishly. “I didn’t make it easy for him. I highlighted quotes in his Bible.”
“You did?” She gives me a reproachful look. “But that alone wouldn’t make Declan…”
“No, but maybe there were a thousand little things I didn’t know about that all contributed. Luisa would know. She was spending more time with him. And if she’s blaming me, something tells me she’s probably covering for herself. Maybe she pressured him to end things with me.”
“You think?”
“I know the way she pushed Kane. She was relentless. He could only take her in small doses.”
“So you think Declan’s relationship with Luisa was his undoing?”
“She has this subtle way about her. She comes across as all rainbows and sunshine, but she can be lethal.”
Juliet purses her lips. “And where is Luisa now?”
“Terrorizing Kane, once again. She’s got a magnet for him. They made up. They’re together.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
I shrug. “I don’t have any feelings about that. Luisa never lets anything touch her. She comes out of every crisis prettier and shinier than she was going in.”
“You sound bitter.”
“Well, considering I’m still here, a year later…talking to you. I wish I had her resiliency.”
Juliet checks her notes and says, “It concerns me that you don’t have a best friend to lean on anymore. I suppose you still have Kane, and—”
I shake my head. I hadn’t seen him since Friday, but everyone was talking about his broken shoulder. Word on the street was that he was pissed. Baseball is his life, and he’d been waiting all winter for it to start up again. And who knows if it’ll affect his chance at getting into college? He probably wants to kill me.
“No. That’s kind of… No. You see, we… He and I…”
She’s staring at me, and I can’t say it. Talk about going around in circles, banging my head against the wall. “Seems like you have a lot to say to me today,” Juliet comments.
I sigh. “It was a mistake. In the end, Kane chose Luisa over me. And that’s all. Like I said, prettier and shinier. I don’t want to talk about that. I’m okay. Really.”
I push the corners of my lips into a smile to prove it.
“All right,” she says, closing her notebook. “You’re moving on, and that’s important. Are you finding something to hitch your wagon to that isn’t part of the past?”
“Like…?”
“College, trade school…” she suggests. “Your life. You’re graduating in three months, which isn’t long.”
I hadn’t thought of college at all, honestly, until this weekend. My parents were simply happy with me graduating from high school in some capacity. Taking baby steps. But Nina’s acceptances were starting to come in, and she was trying to decide between Moravian and Cedar Crest. And, for the first time, my mind had started to trail to my future. My after.
Because there would be an after. Before, I’d thought that with Declan gone, my life might as well end. But it hasn’t. I’m still here. And I will be here, whether I make sense of his death or not.
Declan’s death had permanently shattered the six, but soon its pieces would be scattered all over the country. I can write my own story from here on out, not as Declan’s girlfriend, but as whomever I wanted to be.
“I am thinking of it,” I announce. “I might enroll in community college.”
Juliet smiles, and I can tell I’ve pleased her. “Good for you, Hailey. Good for you.”