Chapter 3

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FACING YOUR GIANTS

I learned something new about arrows a few years ago, when Cupid fired an arrow smack into the heart of our oldest daughter, Savannah. I thought seeing our kids graduate from high school and go out into the world was hard, but it paled in comparison to the day Savannah got married.

Actually, let me back up a little. The wedding day itself was easy. In fact, it was glorious. Watching my daughter become a wife under the willow trees near our home, surrounded by our dearest friends and family, was a beautiful culmination of years of prayers, tears, and hopes —once my heart made the transition, that is.

What is it with transitions? First it’s childbirth, and then . . . well, it’s the rest of your life. Motherhood is all about learning and change, isn’t it? God uses each new phase to grow us up while we try to help our children grow. Such a grand paradox!

When my daughter got engaged, I got a lesson on letting go. At twenty, Savannah was a beautiful young woman who loved and served the Lord. She had met and fallen in love with a wonderful young man who also loved the Lord. That was good, right? Of course it was.

The trouble was, I forgot that I was launching an arrow, not throwing out a boomerang! You see, I was raised in a home filled with strife and domestic violence. As you might imagine, I had serious trust issues as a result. I struggled to trust my daughter with any man who was not named Jay St. John. In a misguided attempt to protect my daughter, I forgot that God could take better care of her than I ever could. Rather than take my fears to the Lord, I worried and fretted over her future. Even though Savannah had spoken to her dad and me about her desire to get married, I still struggled.

Shortly after Savannah and Ryan got engaged, I called our dear friends Steve and Jane Lambert. I desperately needed a sounding board, and thankfully I had the Lamberts, who have been like parents to me for many years.

“She’s so young!” I lamented. (I seemed to have forgotten the fact that I was nineteen when I got married.) “They’re not ready! What’s the rush?”

Steve and Jane were quiet while I poured out my heart and my fears over the phone.

“Do you want my advice?” Steve finally asked.

“Yes,” I replied sheepishly.

“Did you raise your daughter to hear from the Lord?”

“Yes.”

“Then you need to let her hear from Him,” he went on. “Do you trust God’s heart for her?”

“Yes.”

“Then it’s time to let her follow God’s leading. You need to trust that she’s hearing from the Lord for her own life now.”

Those last two sentences hit my heart hard. I could hear the Lord speaking through Steve. I knew I’d been holding on too tightly. My intentions may have been good, but I was wrong. Motherhood teaches us that we’re wrong a lot, doesn’t it?

Motherhood is all about courage, from the moment you watch your baby take those first wobbly steps.

Even once I knew it was time to let her go, I struggled to be happy about it. Rather than rejoicing with my daughter, I became “that mom” —you know, the one we all made fun of before we had kids of our own. I knew I needed to shift my thinking. I needed to have God’s perspective for our daughter. After all, it’s always much better than my own!

Shortly after that phone call, Jay and I invited Savannah out to dinner, gave her our blessing, and told her we trusted in her ability to hear from the Lord. We also affirmed her choice.

An August wedding followed, and Savannah was right: Ryan is the perfect match for her. He brings a levity and joy to our family that we couldn’t have imagined. Ryan and Savannah are off on their own wonderful adventure now. Their two sons are a delight to all of us —and we are richer for launching our arrow when the time was right.

Motherhood is all about courage, from the moment you watch your baby take those first wobbly steps. Many of the steps they’ll take after that are wobbly too. The trick is to trust the Lord as you wobble through each transition together.

God has plans for your children, just as He has plans for you. But remember, we see only the tiniest fraction of God’s grand design. That’s why we need God’s perspective for our children —it’s the only one that really matters.

THE BEST-LAID PLANS

When it comes to making plans, I am second to . . . well, just One. Planning is in my DNA. I am a list maker and a lover of all things calendar related. Just give me an idea and a deadline, and I’ll make it happen —that is, if only the universe would cooperate! I shudder to think of the thousands of my perfectly laid plans that have been completely derailed by everything from forgetting to plug in the slow cooker to getting in a fender bender on the way to the store.

The truth is, we can’t plan for everything. And perhaps more to the point, no one ever plans for a crisis. We don’t pencil in “crisis” on the third Monday of the month. And yet, without fail, with the bases loaded at the bottom of the ninth, the phone rings, and voilà —your child is sick, a family member has lost his job, a friend has devastating news. This is where courage needs to step up to the plate.

The Bible says that we can make our plans, but ultimately the Lord determines our steps (see Proverbs 16:9). And some of those steps can be pretty painful to take. Having lost a baby to miscarriage and wept beside the casket of a dear friend’s stillborn daughter, I know that we don’t always get to choose what happens to the babies we carry so carefully inside us. We can’t always predict what a day will bring. But we are guaranteed this: God will never leave us or forsake us (see Hebrews 13:5). Ever.

And oh, how we need Him! God is the One who brings courage in the chaos and peace to the broken places in our hearts. Without the courage that comes from God, a spirit of fear can settle into the unseen places of a mother’s soul. So stay close to Him, precious mom! Get to know His Word. Memorize His promises. Don’t let that fear take root.

Every mom can identify with fear, but every mom can also identify with the antidote to fear that we’ve been given. From the moment we know we’re bringing a new life into the world, something miraculous —even sacred —awakens in the heart of a mother: courage.

It takes courage to be a mother. Unplanned C-sections, unexpected diagnoses, illnesses, sibling rivalry, bad attitudes, and strong-willed children test the courage and resolve of every mother. But God uses all of these circumstances to help make us into the mothers He wants us to be.

I know it’s true, because this business of shaping little hearts is also shaping mine. Motherhood has exposed weaknesses in me I never knew I had, has driven me to the limits of what I thought I could do, and has filled my heart with hopes and dreams I never imagined for a future I can only entrust to God. There’s no doubt about it: becoming a mother changes everything. And even twenty-six years in, I’m finding I need fresh courage on a daily basis.

Let’s face it: this isn’t our grandparents’ generation. Choosing a Christ-centered life in a culture that rejects Christ is challenging the courage of many believers today. We are parenting in a generation in which fear is a driving force in our decisions. Standing for what the Bible says about marriage and human sexuality is growing increasingly unpopular as our culture moves away from the truth and toward moral relativism. As a result, Christian mothers today have to do something the previous three generations didn’t have to worry about: we’re preparing our kids to face rejection.

How do we do that? We teach our children that their true identity comes from the Lord. If we (or our children) base our identity on what others think of us, Satan can begin to tell us his lies the moment we feel the sting of disapproval. In this culture of “tolerance,” we should expect to be rejected. The way of the Cross is to live in full view of the world but to keep our eyes on Jesus. If we’re going to live counterculturally, we need to know who God says we are.

So what does God say about our identity?

UNCOMMON COURAGE

It takes courage to stand for the Lord in the face of rejection, but stand we must. The next time your children tell you they have been mocked or labeled for their faith or beliefs, remember that at the moment of our salvation, God Himself gave us an even more powerful label. We wear the label Redeemed, and no one can relabel us! We are forever accepted by God.

Courage is found where acceptance abounds: in Christ.

If you’re struggling to find courage in the face of being rejected, look up —and point your children’s gaze to Jesus as you do. Courage is found where acceptance abounds: in Christ. Our role in HIStory is no less significant than that of Joshua, who found supernatural courage from the Lord in the midst of overwhelming challenges. Listen to what God said to Joshua when he received the mantle of leadership from Moses and was charged with leading the Israelites into the Promised Land:

Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command —be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.  

JOSHUA 1:6-9

Mothers who possess the stand-up courage of Joshua are Spirit-filled women. They know who they are in Christ, and they refuse to allow the devil to lie to them. They rise to the challenge of the culture and, in the process, shape the hearts and minds of their children for the glory of God.

Yes, we are living in challenging times, but like Joshua, we have been called to “be strong and courageous.” This is an exciting time to be a Christian, because when faith finds its feet in this generation of parents and their children, we are going to see amazing things happen in the lives of God’s people.

FACING YOUR GIANTS

Of all the wonderful stories in the Bible, the story of David and Goliath remains one of my favorites. Just imagining David —a young boy —loading a small stone into a sling and stepping onto the battlefield in the name of the Lord strengthens my own resolve to be courageous.

The reality is that we all face different kinds of giants in our lives. The question isn’t whether they’ll show up; it’s whether we’ll have the courage to load our own stones into our own slings when the time comes.

Several years ago, I decided it was time to face a huge giant in my life. That giant’s name was Fear. For me, facing this giant meant risking my reputation as a “put-together” mom, author, and speaker by sharing one of my most personal struggles: the childhood trauma I had faced, along with the years of crippling anxiety I had experienced as a result.

I’ll never forget the first time I stepped onstage with the intention of telling the truth about this tender part of my life. I knew God had asked me to address the very real problem of domestic abuse within the church while speaking to a group of homeschooling women. The only way to do it with authority was to be honest about the abuse I had experienced growing up.

I prayed for weeks in advance about what I’d say, and every time I even thought about it, Fear (and his henchman, Adrenaline) would hijack my mind and my body. My hands got clammy, my heart raced, and my anxiety soared. But all the while, God was teaching me to recognize the spirit of fear and reminding me to remain in Him.

The day I took the stage to share what had previously been known only to close friends and family, it felt very much like I was picking up a stone and chucking it with all my strength at the giant that had held me hostage most of my adult life. Sometimes the only way to do something is to do it afraid.

Do you know what happened when I took aim at that giant? God showed up. When I obeyed the Lord, something miraculous happened: He began to set me free. As I testified to God’s unfailing love in the middle of my trials, I saw tears rolling down the faces of many of the women in the audience. The response was overwhelming.

That day I learned that the devil doesn’t want us to share our struggles. He wants us to feel that we’re all alone. Isn’t that what the devil does best? He tries to keep us from knowing the truth. To my surprise, I was learning that I was far from alone in my struggle. God wanted to use my story, including the broken parts, even as I was still finding my own healing.

Sometimes the only way to do something is to do it afraid.

We all have different fears we battle. But one common characteristic of most fears is that they stem from the lies we believe. Maybe Satan has whispered some of these lies into your ears at some point:

When I say these statements out loud, I know they’re lies, but somehow in the quiet of my heart, they sound different. They sound believable.

When I was a young mother, I struggled to differentiate between the voice of the enemy and my own insecurities. I had grown up hearing stories about the lineup of courageous people in the Bible. I knew all about Joshua and the battle of Jericho, I could tell you all the ways Mary was brave, and I could quote a whole bunch of verses about faith —but it was just “Christianese.” I knew the stories of courage, but I couldn’t translate them into power for my own life.

Can you relate? We need a giant-sized sling to face the giants in our own lives. Thankfully, God supplies slings when we ask Him to. He’s good like that.

I know all this talk of courage can sound kind of cliché, so let me unpack it for you just a little. MomStrong moms recognize that courage isn’t the absence of fear; it’s the decision to act in the face of fear. When we face our fears in faith, what we’re really doing is allowing the Holy Spirit to be what He says He is: bigger than our fears.

When we pick up our slings and take aim at our giants through the power of the Holy Spirit, our aim will be sure. Fear is no match for the Lord of heaven’s armies. According to the Bible, God is pretty good at helping amateurs like David make their aim count. It took only one stone to bring down the Philistine giant.

The same is true for us. When our trust is in the Lord, courage finds its feet. My grandmother once said, “God is faithful, or He isn’t. He’s good, or He isn’t.” There’s no such thing as halfhearted faith —we need to go all in. Our trials present us with opportunities to put feet to our faith.

My first real opportunity to face fear regarding one of my children came in May 1993. I was expecting our second baby, and Jay and I were filled with anticipation as we went to get a peek at our little one via ultrasound. We couldn’t wait to see our baby’s sweet silhouette on the screen and to hear a strong heartbeat on the monitor.

As the technician dimmed the lights and began to move the transponder over my belly, Jay and I stared in amazement at the black-and-white image that appeared before us. It was love at first sight. Each movement the baby made delighted us. We weren’t even paying attention to the measurements. The only thing we knew was that this little one was meant for us. Perfectly formed. A miracle. Beautiful. Ours.

We’d already decided we didn’t want to know the sex of the baby, so there wasn’t a lot of back-and-forth between us and the technician, other than our occasional questions about what this or that was. After about twenty minutes, the technician turned off the ultrasound machine and asked us to go down the hall for a follow-up with our doctor.

In the hour that followed, we heard words that no expectant parents want to hear: our baby’s measurements were “off.” The doctor shared concerns about the size of what appeared to be a hole in our baby’s heart. In addition, he told us that the femur measurements seemed to validate the results of the AFP test I’d had done a few weeks prior. Our baby was at “extremely high risk” of having Down syndrome —as well as a possible heart defect. Fear gripped my heart as I held Jay’s hand.

We were referred to a genetic counselor and scheduled for another ultrasound at a hospital in Portland. The second ultrasound confirmed what the first one had indicated, but without an amniocentesis, there was no way to know for sure if our baby had Down syndrome. Without speaking, we walked from the ultrasound suite down the hall to see the genetic counselor. The wait was excruciating.

Finally, Jay and I sat in a consultation room, miles apart from each other at opposite sides of the table. The room felt cold and unwelcoming.

“I’m sorry,” the counselor began. “I wish I had better news, but the fact is that we just don’t know with certainty what is happening with the fetus. Several markers indicate Down syndrome, but without an amniocentesis, we won’t know for sure.”

I cringed. This was no fetus. Not to me! This was my baby. I could feel her kicking inside me. I marveled at the occasional hiccup and stray foot or elbow. Nevertheless, this baby had no real voice —except the one her father and I gave her that day.

After hearing the risks and the benefits of amniocentesis, and knowing that the baby might have a heart defect, we decided against stressing her heart with further, more invasive testing. This meant our options were limited to —and I quote —“abortion or wait and see.”

Our choice to wait and see must have seemed like either uncommon courage or plain stupidity to the genetic counselors, but abortion was out of the question. This was our daughter, and we loved her. We left the hospital in an emotional and spiritual fog, but even in the midst of our fears, God met us. “Do not fear, for I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10, NIV). We just kept repeating the verse over and over and over.

There is power in the spoken word of God. Even as we struggled to find our own words, God’s Word gave us strength. He does not fail.

Over the next several months, friends and family joined with us to pray for our unborn child. We prayed for healing. We prayed for peace. And then we prayed some more. I’d like to tell you that I was able to just let it go, but I struggled. Daily. Each little kick reminded me that my child might enter into this struggling world with a struggle all her own. I cried out to God. I tried to enjoy the four remaining months leading up to her birth, and while I did experience moments of peace, my heart was still heavy.

Fear threatened to settle over me like a cold, wet blanket many times in those months. The stress was enormous . . . but the grace that covered us was bigger than our fear. In those months, I learned that God never wastes anything.

God’s grace takes our fears and transforms them into the kind of courage that motherhood requires.

And that’s what I want you to hear: God’s grace is bigger than our fears. It’s God’s grace that takes our fears and transforms them into the kind of courage that motherhood requires. My grandmother was right. Either we would believe God or we wouldn’t. Our resolve was tested, but we chose to believe that God’s Word is true. We chose to believe our daughter’s life belonged to God.

It wasn’t until much later that I realized the real victory was found not in facing my fears or even in overcoming them. The real victory happened the day we chose life for our daughter, regardless of the outcome. When we chose life, we picked up our sling and looked our giant right in his wicked eyes. The victory began when we chose to obey in spite of our fear.

The victory begins when we choose to obey in spite of our fear.

When we chose life, we were saying, “I trust you, God.” God was listening. We just didn’t know it yet.

Sierra was born a few months later, on a cold December morning. The room was full of specialists. A team from the NICU joined us in the delivery room, and a heart doctor was on call. But more than that, God’s grace was all over that room, and His peace flooded our hearts. In choosing life, we said to everyone who was watching that we valued what God valued. No matter the outcome, we loved our daughter. We saw her as a gift, and we praised God for her.

Sierra Marie St. John made her entrance into God’s story right on time, and against the odds, she was perfect. I had never cried so hard before. Yes, there was fear, but God was also there —and He is much bigger and much more powerful than our fear. Where the hurt runs deep, the grace runs deeper.

Sierra is now a grown woman. In the years since she was born, God has given us dozens of opportunities to pick up our slings and choose trust over fear, regardless of the circumstances.

MOMSTRONG MOM,
HAVE COURAGE!

Part of becoming MomStrong is embracing the fact that we are all loved by God and precious to Him. If you’re struggling to find courage in the midst of a battle, it’s okay. Our faithful God knows every part of you. He sees every hurt and knows every detail of the fears you’re facing.

MomStrong moms have uncommon courage, because their courage comes from God Himself. Where God’s love is found, His courage is not far behind, because the Word tells us that perfect love drives out fear (see 1 John 4:18).

A mom who is committed to living this life for the Lord does more than act in the face of her fear; she decides to act in a way that brings glory to God in the midst of it. How can we do that? Through praise. Whatever circumstances you find yourself in right now, praise God. Praise Him in your pain; praise Him through your fear.

Author Mary Anne Radmacher says, “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”[4] It’s all right if you don’t feel like roaring, as long as you know this one thing down to the deepest part of your being: you are loved, and love gives feet to courage. In fact, it’s where courage begins.

It’s love that gives a mother the courage to push one more time. It’s love that stays up all night with a newborn. It’s love that allows a toddler to fall and get back up again. And it’s love that gives a mother the courage to release her child into a new season, even as she steadies herself.

Uncommon courage is God’s gift to every fearful mom who decides she can take Him at His word, no matter what she is facing. Watch and see —He will prove Himself faithful.

PRAYER POINTS FOR A
COURAGEOUS MOM