Chapter 1
by Adele Higgins
There was no mistaking that the Purple Paper was meant for my daughter. As Roland described the images he had drawn, I felt my heart seize and break all over again. I looked at the paper he was holding in his hands, then turned away, my hands trembling as I covered my face, tears unplugged and streaming in silent torrents down my face. The message was about my son TJ and the tragic accident that took his life way too soon. A stick figure of a man lying next to a pool, a lightning bolt above him to the left. The initials CPR, designating not a person but an action, were hovering over him. And then written boldly in the corner were the words “There was nothing you could do. It wasn’t your fault. I love you.”
My daughter, Kiera, TJ’s sister, was there when the unthinkable happened. Born a year apart, TJ adored his sister from day one and they always had a very special bond. Often mistaken for twins and lifelong best friends, they were living close to one another in Florida where they both had gone to college. She had just spent the “the best day ever” with her brother and his girlfriend, Carol, at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida, days after we all celebrated TJ’s twenty-fifth birthday together at a lakeside cabin in Michigan. That night they were together with a few of their friends having a barbecue outside by the pool, and someone knocked a lamp over. TJ tried to grab it before it fell into the pool. He missed and fell in with it, making contact with the water just when the plugged-in lamp did. The light went out of our lives that night.
Kiera had tried to save her brother that night, performing CPR to no avail. She had blamed herself ever since. TJ wanted her to know there wasn’t anything she could have done. She was not responsible for what happened, and he didn’t want her to suffer anymore.
Roland continued sharing messages of love from TJ, pausing to smile at me. “He’s OK. He’s happy. The sun is shining all around him. There’s so much love here.”
I smiled through my grief, knowing on some level that TJ was still here with us. It had been a few years since he passed, but it seemed a lifetime. Kiera and I were desperate for messages from him, for confirmation that he was all right, for peace of mind that he was safe in that ethereal place we call heaven. I knew in my heart that if given the opportunity, TJ would get a message to us. Did we believe in spiritual communications before he died? I’m not sure, but we are confirmed believers now.
Giving up was never in TJ’s DNA. He was born in the summertime, on July 16, 1982, a blond cherub who reached for the stars as soon as he could walk. A child model, he was a natural charmer who turned heads and captured hearts the moment he walked into a room. Life was fun for him, especially when he was outdoors. He loved everything about nature and would spend hours walking in the woods, playing on the beach, boating, swimming, and fishing in the summer, and snowboarding on snowy, the-steeper-the-better slopes in winter.
Sadly, the outdoors would become his undoing when he was frequently misdiagnosed and then belatedly diagnosed at the tender age of six with Lyme disease. The key to conquering Lyme disease and its far-reaching ill effects is to catch it early and treat it aggressively. If left to run its course, Lyme, life-altering in every stage, can progress from the mild flu-like symptoms and muscle aches early sufferers endure to chronic crippling fatigue, severe joint pain, heart arrhythmias, neurological problems, impaired memory, and other increasingly debilitating conditions. This disease goes undetected far too often, and in the case of young children like TJ, it can be especially difficult to eradicate if it isn’t medically dealt with right away.
I watched helplessly as my always happy, energetic, young son struggled to do the things he had so loved. He tired easily. His smiles faded as his body hurt more and more each day. He endured endless doctor visits, hastily prescribed, nausea-inducing medications, and steroids that made him even sicker as the medical community blindly tried to heal whatever was ailing him. It wasn’t until TJ came down with Bell’s palsy two years later, when he was in the third grade, that the doctors took my fears that he had Lyme disease seriously. By then, he was so sick that he had to miss an entire year of school as he was hooked up to an IV that delivered the long overdue antibiotics to his little body. While his health flagged, his spirit remained as strong as ever and he soldiered on. He couldn’t wait to start living his carefree life again.
TJ would have health issues due to Lyme for the rest of his life, somehow managing to work through the crushing headaches and painful body aches that would plague him all too frequently. But the disease had taken its toll. While once he looked forward to school, his classes no longer held his attention. His mind wandered, looking for a place that would soothe his soul and nurture his spirit. He found it in writing, an exercise that was much more than a passing passion for him. He had the heart of a poet and during his high school years, he declared that he wanted to be a writer.
His poetry, insightful and sensitive, seemed to emanate from someone much older and wiser than a boy of his age. To say that he was an old soul would be an understatement. He could read people, understand them on a level not readily apparent to others. He had depth beyond his years, and he had the unique ability to make everyone around him feel like they were the only person in the room.
And how he could make them laugh. He had a wonderful sense of humor. In retrospect I think his zest for life and fun is what got him through some of the challenges he would face as he moved into his teens and his young adult life.
He changed schools a lot as he tried to cope with the ever-increasing neurological symptoms of Lyme. He tried different medications and treatment therapies, choosing to go it on his own when they proved ineffective time and time again. His poems became a refuge for him, a safe haven from his painful Lyme-induced headaches, as did the time he spent with friends and family outdoors. He especially loved fishing with his grandfather, a sport they shared from the time he was a little boy, and he would often tell me that “Pops had his back.” They were very close and would remain so even after he passed.
The first Purple Paper I ever received from Roland reaffirmed their eternal bond. I had first heard about the possibility of connecting with the other side through friends who gently suggested that I might find solace in talking with a medium. Roland was hosting an intimate session of just eighteen people at a Connecticut health and wellness center not far from where we lived, and I bought a ticket to see him. I didn’t know what to expect.
Strangers united by loss, we sat around an L-shaped table, eyes and ears glued to the bespectacled man in front of the room. He introduced himself to us by saying that he was not a fortune-teller, he was just the messenger, blessed with an intuitive gift that enabled him to connect with spirit. He cautioned that he may not have a message for everyone in the room, but he would reveal every communication he received.
You could hear a pin drop in the room as he began to speak. I didn’t dare breathe lest I miss some familiar word or sign that was meant for me. Roland went around the room comforting a grieving wife, daughter, friend with messages and memories that visibly touched hearts. Tissues were passed as tears flowed and stories were told. Then he stopped in front of me. “There’s someone here who has a message for you. He’s so handsome. He was pushing his way in front of the others. He wants to reach out and put his arms around you,” said Roland, as he continued to relay what he was hearing. “He’s telling me how it all happened. ‘This stuff is so new but I’m OK,’ he says. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘I’m sorry.’
“Gary’s here too,” added Roland, “and he says he’s watching out for him.” Then Roland handed me a Purple Paper. “I believe this belongs to you.”
The Purple Paper was dated May 7, 2010, three years after TJ had passed. Written on it were the words “Gary says he’s fine—This stuff is so new, but I’m OK.” The message was from my father, Gary, TJ’s beloved grandfather, Pops. He was letting me know that they were together, like they once were on earth. TJ was not alone.
I was beside myself with relief and felt a surge of happiness similar to the emotions I’d had in the past when I would see the two of them, side by side, heading off to the lake or the beach with their fishing rods in hand so long ago. My Purple Paper was all the proof I needed to hold on to those magical memories.
I would receive another Purple Paper from Roland a month later. This time the message was from TJ himself and it was dated June 8, 2010. It read, “Tell my mom Happy Mother’s Day, Happy Father’s Day—well, Happy Day.” In one corner Roland had drawn a blazing sun. In another were the words “I love you!” Roland said TJ was sending a message to his mother and his stepfather, Rick.
Roland talked about it always being sunny and bright where TJ was. “He says Jean, Adele, and Gary are with him too.” Jean and Adele are TJ’s grandmothers. My parents were with my son! Roland came closer and looked me directly in the eyes. “He’s at peace.”
For a mother to know that her child is happy and at peace, whether here or in heaven, is one of the greatest gifts we could hope for. I remain grateful for the gift I was given that day. It has brought me immeasurable comfort as I deal with the ongoing pain of his loss.
Knowing how much TJ loved his family and treasured our time together, I was sure he had more to say. I was right.
The name “Rich” was written on the next Purple Paper Roland gave to me during another one of his Connecticut events. Rich is TJ’s little brother, and Rich idolized him. The feeling was mutual. I remember TJ saying that the day Rich was born was the happiest day of his life. Despite their ten-year age difference, TJ would make a concerted effort to include Rich whenever he could, treating him like an equal, never leaving him out of activities they could do together, always making sure he was OK.
On that same Purple Paper, Roland had drawn a heart with the figure of a boy inside it and a sun, of course, shining brightly in the sky. Written there were the words “I walk with you by the water.”
I nodded and smiled even as my heart ached. Our walks at the beach, in Connecticut and in Florida, were very special to us. We made a point of taking them whenever we could. It was our time together, a time when TJ’s troubles would be trumped by the pure joy he felt from the simple things in life, the things that really mattered. TJ loved the water. It was one of the places he felt the freedom he aspired to and wrote about in one of his poems, “Dear Released.”
Dear Released
Bless your wondering heart
May it gain the ability
To escape the churning seas
That you cast upon it
And someday find land
Worthy of holding true
To the tides that break upon it
And forever represent your
Unharnessed spirit
Images of our walks together morphed into memories of TJ and his sister, arm in arm, running down the beach and riding their boogie boards into the rolling surf. Then when Rich came along, the two became a trio of laughter and smiles. Those were the best days. The feelings we experienced there were the stuff of TJ’s poem.
TJ’s life wasn’t always about laughter and good times. Bad choices had caused consequences difficult to weather and rifts that often seemed insurmountable. Missteps had shaken his confidence and sense of self. But when we were together, he would shrug off his troubles and remind us not to sweat the small stuff. He was the life of the party no matter where he went, loving his friends and family and living every day to its fullest, like it was his last. After I read the last line of his poem “There’s a Thin Line,” I think he knew that love and light would win out in the end.
14There’s a Thin Line
I walked upon the thin line that lay across the scape.
I came upon a thin man that hid within the shadow of his cape.
I asked, “Why do you hide out here and cover yourself so?”
He said to me from the hollows of his cape
As he slowly slipped out close,
“Does not a brilliant flower hang as a loathsome bud?
Does not a butterfly lie cocooned tight and snug?
Beauty is hidden and held within the walls of time,
Just as the shadows that make the hours hold me to this line.
The same shaded blades fall and paint my face with darkness,
Winged beauty that bursts inside the bud lies in this timeless
scape gently harnessed.
All of time has a proper motive in its mind and certain
moments for each of us to shine.”
I keep pictures and framed memories of TJ around the fireplace in one of my favorite rooms in our house. It’s a place I often go to remember the happiness and love we shared in life and to have those wordless heart-to-heaven conversations that will never cease.
Imagine my surprise when Roland handed me yet another Purple Paper when Rick, TJ’s stepfather, and I just happened to sit in on a live radio show for which Roland was the guest speaker. We were sitting outside the control room, watching him from behind the glass partition as he answered phone calls from the program’s broadcast audience. During the break, he came out to talk to us, bringing the paper with him. It was dated February 12, 2011.
“He knows about your shrine,” said Roland, “and it makes him happy. He likes the cap. He’s asking about Rich, Richie.” Rich happened to be ill at the time with a sinus infection, and somehow I wasn’t surprised that TJ knew that as well and was concerned about his little brother’s health.
I looked at the paper to see Roland’s drawing. There was the fireplace and the photos arranged just like they were in my house. “I know where you put my important stuff,” the written words said. “Thanks for being proud.”
“TJ sends you signs,” Roland told us. “Look for them and know that he has sent them as a reminder that he is still with you. That he loves you and always will.”
Kiera, Rich, Rick, and I find signs all the time almost at the very moment when we think or talk about TJ. Often we see them in sets of three or five, a sign for each one of us in our family. Sometimes they are in the form of pennies dated 1982, the year TJ was born. We see TJ license plates and TJ fish markets. We’ve heard people answer the phone and say “Hi TJ” just when we wished we could hear his voice. We see people wearing the cap TJ wore and t-shirts too, branded with Oregon Golf Club.
We saw a “Welcome home TJ” banner on a highway overpass right after Roland autographed our copy of And Then There Was Heaven at his book signing with a similar “he’s home” message. Rich has no doubt that he saw TJ in the mirror on the night of his sixteenth birthday party at the club we still belong to, where TJ enjoyed many family parties.
And Rick and I know without question that TJ orchestrated our chance meeting with his former girlfriend, Carol, when we were visiting Rollins College in Florida not too long ago, where he, Kiera, and now Rich went to school. I was sitting alone outside in a sidewalk café. Rick had gone into a nearby shop just as the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow by the Hawaiian singer Israel “Iz” Kamakawiwo‘ole started playing on the radio. That was one of TJ’s favorites, and we had played it at his memorial service. Rick stopped at the memory and looked over at the young woman standing beside him in the shop who was also visibly entranced by the song. It was Carol, now married and a new mom. They walked out together to see me in the café before Carol got into her car and drove home. Her car was parked right next to where I sat; if Rick hadn’t seen her in the shop, I certainly would have seen her when she returned to her car. We didn’t need to question the “chance” coincidences we had just experienced. We knew it was TJ bringing the people he loved together once again.
Before he died, we were all together when we celebrated his last birthday in a family cottage in Michigan doing all those things he loved to do when he was a child. We fished and hiked, picked wild blueberries and made pancakes. We swam in a lake so cold it energized us from head to toe. We made fires to warm us inside and out. We sailed and sunned and talked long into the night as the days flew by. When it was time to pack up and leave, a cloud of irrepressible sadness came over me. I started to cry and couldn’t stop.
Rich tried his best to comfort me, assuring me that we would see TJ again in Florida in a few months. Not long after TJ and Carol drove away heading to Florida, I remembered that I had left my reading glasses in their car. We called them and they turned around happily and came back with my glasses. I hugged and kissed my son again as we said our second, final goodbye.
He turned twenty-five six days before he died, and he had his whole life ahead of him. He had met the girl of his dreams and was planning to ask her to be his wife. He had faced his demons, righted his wrongs, and taken responsibility for the adult role he was now assuming. He was clearheaded, confident, and enthusiastic about the future. And he couldn’t wait to see what was ahead.
He wrote “Beautiful Creature” not long before he left us, immortalizing the blessings he realized at the end of his journey to this time and place.
Beautiful Creature
I’m a beautiful creature
I say this because I didn’t always know—
I’m a beautiful creature
I say this because I didn’t always show it—
I’m a beautiful creature
Because I found the five Ls of life—
(God) I have the power of love to guide me
(Family) I have the power of love behind me
(Friends) I have the power of love beside me
(Girlfriend) I have the power of love that won’t lie to me
(Self) And now I have found the power of love inside me
Losing a child is perhaps the most difficult experience anyone can face. As mothers, we spend our lives unconditionally loving, guiding, helping, and protecting our children, giving them the resources and support they need to be safe and thrive. As a teacher, I spent my career teaching skills that were designed to help children succeed on their way to adulthood.
But TJ turned out to be the teacher, as he taught us the most important lessons of all. Carol told me that heaven needed a soldier and that’s what TJ is doing now. A young man of incredible strength and perseverance no matter the obstacle, he soldiered on and showed us the true meaning of love and life. We know that he is showing us still.