Chapter 19
by Dale R. Belluscio
One morning, I was thinking and “speaking” to my mother. She had passed only two months prior, and I was hoping she would make her presence known. I would regularly try to make a connection with her. I would try to reach out from my heart and feel her presence around me. On the night she passed, I was awoken by a shadowy figure at the foot of my bed. I was very sleepy and knew there was someone standing there but could not figure out who it was. At 7:30 a.m. the next morning, I received a phone call that my mother had passed during the night. In my heart, I knew it was she who was my overnight visitor.
I attended one of Roland’s events with my sister and husband. I was nervous that within a roomful of people the likelihood that my mother would come across was probably small. I was telling myself that she had only passed a short time ago and that others in the room needed a message more than I did. My husband grabbed my hand and quietly said, “Dale, just breathe.” Within minutes of the event starting, Roland turned to me and said, “Your mother is here!”
When Roland began to speak to me, the emotions came over me like a giant wave. I felt excitement, sadness, fear, and happiness all at the same time. Being a family therapist and helping countless individuals work through their grief, I intellectually knew all these emotions were my grief process rearing its head again. My mother and I had a very difficult relationship when she was here. To be accurate, we hadn’t had much contact in the past twenty-five years. So for Roland to say she was present so quickly into the event was unbelievable to me. For years, I felt in my heart that my mother was angry and hated me. And here she was in this room speaking to me through Roland. To be honest, because of the emotional state I was in, I heard only about half of what Roland was saying to me. Thankfully, my husband was listening and remembered it all. Roland told me that my mother had always been with me. Throughout the last twenty-five years she was always thinking about me. She had never stopped loving me and she apologized for the abuse I endured as a child. After all these years, and all the sorrow and trauma, she finally believed me about my childhood. This message alone was more than I could handle. The tears were streaming down my face faster than they could be wiped away. I had a large knot in the pit of my stomach, but my heart was soaring. Then Roland gave me one of the greatest gifts I had even received and now one of my most precious possessions … a Purple Paper message from my mother!
My Purple Paper had been written the morning of the event. My mother had visited Roland that very morning with a message for me! On the top of the paper were several years: 1986, 1991, 1993, 1998, 2001, and 2010. Roland was unaware of the connection for each year, but I knew. Each year signified a significant occurrence in my life. One year was when my daughter was born, one when my husband and I separated for six months, the birth of my son was another, and one signified when my oldest son graduated from high school. There was absolutely no way Roland could have possibly known any of this information. Along with the years, the message was directed to “my daughter” and spoke about her always being with me and believing in me: “I need to tell my daughter that I’m sorry about how our lives changed. It started out (OK) long ago. I was (almost) always in a bad place. My mind was never settled. You made the right decisions and never forgot it.”
As I left the event with my sacred Purple Paper in my hands, I felt an enormous amount of healing had just occurred for me. I had healed in my grief and in my trauma due to the messages and Purple Paper. I can now see my mother and our relationship in a totally different light and allow myself to let go of the anger toward her and give her love. Because of this event, my life and my history have changed forever.