Chapter 26
by Kerri Gerrard
Someone I know read a Purple Paper posted on Facebook and messaged me. “I think this message is for you,” she said.
It read, “I know that how I passed causes you such pain. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Mom, you could not have known. You’re a good mom to me. (Sit and pray.)”
I immediately logged on to Roland’s page to get a closer look. I knew it was for me the minute I read it. It was dated June 1, 2014, six months after my son, Dan, took his own life in the early morning hours of January 3. My son tattooed “sorry” on his chest a couple of years before he died. The desk depicted in the upper left corner of the Purple Paper with “stuff” on it is very meaningful. This is where my son left all of his personal belongings in a manila envelope and in a small box that said “sorry” on it. He left a suicide note, his special ring, his Social Security card, and a picture ID on his desk. He had just gotten that desk and was so excited when it was given to him.
He stated in the note that to spare us any further pain, we could find him in the water under the Henderson Bridge in East Providence, Rhode Island. He jumped. Because of the winter conditions that year, his body was not found until June 19, 2014. He was found under the Brown University boat dock. Again, I knew in my heart my son wanted to somehow alleviate my pain by leaving me this message. In my wildest dreams I would never have thought my son would have taken his own life. So, I had reached out to Roland and said I know this Purple Paper is mine. He determined months later that it was.
My son, Daniel, was twenty years old when he took his own life. He was funny and had many friends. He was the family comedian. He was a talented artist and hip-hop emcee. He was a writer. He was beyond creative and smart. He had a high IQ and was wise beyond his years. He loved books, art, and music. He did spot-on impressions of celebrities, including Dr. Phil, John Travolta as his character in Grease, and Christopher Walken. He would give a homeless person his last five dollars. He was an avid skateboarder. He loved conspiracy theories and deep debates on any subject. He very rarely watched television, but he did have some favorite shows, Dexter, Shameless, Weeds, and Breaking Bad among them. My son was the youngest of my children. He had two older sisters who adored him and miss him dearly. He was the glue that always held us together. He never held a grudge and was polite and friendly. He was everything I hoped for and more than I can describe. He was beyond beautiful and is now beyond the pain that caused him to take his life.
I last saw my son on Christmas Day 2013. He didn’t talk about his feelings and was always happy, or so we thought. When I received a second Purple Paper message, it was clear that my son wanted me to know it was not my fault and that it was his mind that got the best of him. Here’s what it said:
“Mom, I know you tried to find me the minute I was gone. I drifted away (in my mind), not from you. I spent some time in my life trying to find peace. I’m glad you found me. I am so safe in heaven. I’ll always be there (in your heart).”
Roland gave me that message in person when I attended one of his events. As Roland was speaking, he described feeling cold and wet. He delivered the first part of the message with a lot of enthusiasm and animation, like my son did when he was excited. Then Roland grabbed me by the shoulders and looked directly into my eyes. He was in my personal space, which is how Dan always addressed me when he wanted my full attention. Roland said, “Your son wants you to know none of this is your fault and you could not have known.” Then he also said that I was his hero and that he comes to me at night.
He thanked people for comforting me during the message. He made himself known, as he had always done. Roland kept coming back to me during the two-hour event because Dan kept hounding him to reiterate what he wanted to say in the matter-of-fact way Dan always spoke. When he handed me the Purple Paper, Roland was very somber and down and with a lot of sadness. I have no doubt my son was trying to alleviate my pain and sadness, and I’m so thankful for Roland delivering it to me.
My son did not believe in God, but yet says he’s safe in heaven. I’m happy he’s safe there. I was a believer in spiritual communications even before the Purple Papers. His letter said he’s not sure where he would end up or start again, but I know he believes in life after death now and is making the most of it.