Eva had a hard time reading to Leroy and Hannah when it was time for them to go to bed. Though she read the next short story in the book, her mind kept drifting back to the kitchen and the kiss Boaz had given her. It took all her willpower to bring her attention back to the story so she could finish it. Fortunately, when she was done, the children were asleep.
She closed the book and returned it to her room before removing her spectacles. She took a moment to look at herself in the mirror and brushed back a few unruly strands of hair. Every day, she’d made it a habit of wearing a bun until it was time for bed. At that time, she chose to braid her hair to keep it from tangling during the night. She considered doing that first, thinking it might make her look softer, maybe even more attractive.
Before she could talk herself out of it, she pulled the pins out of her hair then brushed it. Once she braided it, she headed out to the parlor. She thought about getting the warm milk ready, as was her habit, but she wasn’t sure if Boaz was in the mood to read to her tonight. He hadn’t been last night, and who knew what she could expect now?
Her steps slowed as she approached the parlor. Boaz had opened the book he’d been reading to her. Well, that was a good sign. He did want to spend time with her. But she really didn’t think she could concentrate on the story—even if it was one of the most beautiful she’d ever read—until they talked.
She went into the room and took a cautious step to the chair she usually sat in. When he looked up at her, she took a deep breath. If she didn’t do this now, she’d probably lose her nerve. “Boaz, we need to talk.”
“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather listen to me read to you?”
She caught the uncertainty hidden beneath his teasing tone and almost relented. But they had to do this. Delaying it would only make things worse. She sat in the chair and placed her hands in her lap, feeling much like she did whenever she had to go before the people who hired her when she was a teacher. It was especially nerve-racking when she had to justify why she gave older students more leeway in choosing their studies.
Releasing her breath, she began, “We really need to talk, Boaz, and the sooner we do so, the better.”
He slowly closed the book and set it on the table. “I know. I’m just not very good at this.”
“I’m not either,” she admitted, not sure if it’d make him feel better to know she wasn’t any better at confrontation than he was. It seemed that when she confronted people in the past, it didn’t work out in her favor, but unlike him, she probably couldn’t hold in her thoughts. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I’d like to know when you intend to come to my bed.”
There. She said it. And she should have felt a little bit better now that she’d asked the question. Except he winced and that wasn’t a good sign. A husband should not wince when his wife suggested intimate relations.
“Eva,” he softly began, “we’re not going to be doing anything that requires us to share a bed.”
“What?” It was a stupid question. She heard him just fine. She just couldn’t believe it.
He cleared his throat. “What I really needed was a mother for Leroy and Hannah. That’s why I married you. I wasn’t planning to do anything,” he shrugged, “more.”
“But the kisses you gave me…?”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I led you to believe more was going to happen and that was wrong. I’ll do better in the future. I promise.”
She stared at him for a long moment as what he was telling her finally sank in. “So our marriage is only a business arrangement?”
“You shouldn’t think of it like that.”
“Then how should I think of it?”
He rubbed the back of his neck and ventured, “A friendship? I’ll provide for you and you’ll take care of the children.”
“That’s it?”
“I’ll be faithful to you. You don’t have to worry about me running around town with other women.”
“Oh, wonderful. This is every wife’s dream come true.” The words flew out of her mouth before she had time to stop them. She crossed her arms. Being subtle was never one of her strengths, and quite honestly, she saw no reason to mince words. “You bought me at an auction so you could marry me, but you didn’t really want a wife. You just wanted a woman who’ll take care of your children. The least you could have done was be upfront about the whole thing.”
“I did. I told you I wanted a mother for my children.”
“But you didn’t add that we wouldn’t have a real marriage.”
“I thought you’d be relieved.”
“Why would I be relieved?”
“Because you didn’t come to Lewistown looking to get married. It just happened.”
“But since it did happen, I think I’m entitled to everything a marriage involves,” she replied. “If any of those other men had won me, do you think they’d be telling me they wouldn’t be coming to my bed?”
“Those men don’t have children they need a mother for.”
“So?”
“So I needed you more than they did.”
She didn’t know whether to laugh or scream. The way he said it, as if it was a simple fact, baffled her. Finally, she said, “You don’t know that.”
“They don’t have children.”
“I fail to understand what children have to do with it. Men who don’t have children could also need a wife.”
He let out a long sigh. “I realize this isn’t what you hoped it would be, but it’s for the best.”
“Best for who?”
“For everyone.”
“Not for me.”
“Yes, it is. I know you don’t believe it, but it is.”
“It’s best that I don’t have a real marriage with my husband?” The only reason she asked it was to emphasize how ridiculous the whole arrangement was. But if she thought turning it around and letting him hear it would make a difference, she was sorely mistaken.
“Yes,” he replied, just as matter-of-fact as he’d been up to this point.
She stared at him for a long moment, suspecting that she’d lost the battle. Even so, she had to ask, “Why? Why is it best for me to be my husband’s friend?”
With a sigh, he crossed his arms in a manner that indicated he was trying to protect himself. “I told you that Leroy and Hannah had no mother.”
“Yes. It was why I agreed to marry you.” That and the fact that he seemed sincere in telling her he’d be faithful and good to her, two things she required of a husband.
“Well, she died right after she gave birth to Hannah.” He paused for a moment, his gaze turning away from hers. He swallowed then softly continued, “She had a difficult birth with Leroy. I knew better than to be with her but in a moment of weakness I gave in and nine months later, she had Hannah. I made sure the doctor was there in plenty of time, but it didn’t do any good. She wouldn’t stop bleeding and…” His voice choked and he took a moment to compose himself. Letting out a deep breath, he shook his head. “Nothing worked. The doctor and I tried everything we could think of, but no matter what we did, she just wouldn’t stop bleeding. And in the end, all I could do was hold her while she kept begging me to save her. Do you have any idea how hard it is to hold someone when you know there’s nothing you can do to help them?”
“No,” she whispered, her heart breaking as she watched him wipe tears from his eyes. Choosing her words carefully, she added, “You think I might have a difficult time giving birth.”
“Or worse.” He stared off into space for a second before turning his gaze in her direction. “I don’t want that to happen to you.”
Now it made sense. His reluctance to be with her stemmed from fear. That being the case, she felt better. She thought through many things she could tell him, knowing very well that all of them would be true. He loved his wife, that much was obvious. He had wanted her to live. He made love to her because he loved her. He wouldn’t have done anything to hurt her. And there was nothing he could have done to save her.
But Eva held her tongue because this wasn’t what he needed to hear. For the moment, he just needed to know that she understood why he felt the way he did. She wasn’t sure what she could do at the moment but decided she needed time to think about it. Certainly, there was some way around the situation. But tonight, the solution eluded her.
Finally, she nodded. “Alright. We’ll be in separate rooms. I’ll sleep in the bedroom, and you’ll sleep out here.”
As she rose from the chair, he uncrossed his arms and straightened on the couch. “You’re not upset?”
“No, of course not. You went through a painful experience. No one can fault you for feeling the way you do.” Since there was nothing else to say, she offered him a smile. “Did you want some warm milk while you read to me?”
He smiled in return and relaxed. “Yes, I would, thank you.”
She left the room to get the milk.
***
The next morning Boaz got dressed in the bedroom while Eva made breakfast. Try as he might, he couldn’t take his eyes off her bed. He wanted nothing more than to join Eva, and she had made it clear he was welcome there. He sighed and buttoned his shirt.
As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t seem to bring himself to ask her if she would be willing to engage in intimate activities that wouldn’t risk conceiving a child.
His first wife had had such a difficult time giving birth to Leroy that he’d asked her if they could take measures to ensure she didn’t get pregnant again, but she had been adamantly opposed to it. No matter how much he pleaded with her, she said she didn’t feel right going to church knowing full well she was making love solely for pleasure. Being with her in bed had been too much of a strain, so he ended up sleeping on the couch. And for a while, it had worked. But she’d been much too attractive and he’d been too weak. One night was all it took for her to conceive Hannah.
With a sigh, he sat on the bed and pulled on his boots. Not all women died in childbirth. Most survived it. Eva’s chances were good of making it. While he knew this to be true, he couldn’t help but worry the same thing would happen to her. And just how was he supposed to ignore that fear? Herb made it sound easy. Mitch made it seem easier.
He brushed aside a tear and took a deep breath. Eva had accepted the fact that he wouldn’t consummate the marriage. She’d been gracious about it and hadn’t pressed him to give her a child. And besides, she was happy. She said so. Leroy and Hannah both liked her and referred to her as their mother. She’d filled the void his first wife had left after her death. It wasn’t like any of them were worse off because she was there. They weren’t worse off at all. They all benefited from it.
So why couldn’t he just be happy and accept it?