“Lillie, please,” Diane begged. “Get in the car! I promise I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”
“You think I’m stupid, don’t you? All of a sudden you’re trying to be so nice to me. You trying to get me in the car so all your high-class friends don’t see me? Well, I don’t care who sees us. I ain’t goin’ anywhere with you. Give me some money! You little bitch!” She made a grab for Diane’s purse.
“I told you I didn’t have any. Let go!” Diane was starting to panic, scared one of her coworkers would see them struggling out in the open. “Just get into the car. We’ll drive to the bank. Honest!”
“You think I’m that big a fool? You just want me to get in that car so you can take me to some hospital or one of those treatment centers. Hell, no! I don’t trust you! Give me that! ” She made a grab for Diane’s leather briefcase. “You’re rich, now that you’ve tricked some fool into marryin’ you. He’s keepin’ your ass in that big, fine house. Think you better than me. You ain’t nothin’! You’re no different than me. Selling your body for the money he gives you. When you gonna stop pretendin’? We are the same. You came from my body! Mine! You little whore... whore!”
“What is goin’ on here?”
Diane swung around in absolute horror, dropping her briefcase and purse. Lillie grabbed the purse and ran. Diane didn’t know what to do. All she could focus on was her mother, and not the bewilderment in her husband’s dark eyes.
“Stop her... please.”
Charles gave Diane a hard look before he took off after Lillie. His long legs quickly eliminated the distance. He’d didn’t need to listen to the woman’s tirade to know that she was Diane’s mother... the physical resemblance between the two of them was unmistakable. In spite of the ravages of time and hard living, Diane’s mother was still a striking woman.
“Let me go, damn it!” Lillie fought him.
Charles held her as gently as he could. He, unlike Diane, ignored the curious onlookers.
“Who the hell are you?”
“Hush, Lillie. He’s my husband. He won’t hurt you,” Diane said. “Please help me get her into the car.” Diane discovered that she was way beyond mere embarrassment. Tears burned her lids, and her stomach was tangled into knots of pure fear. She was terrified of her husband’s reaction. Now was not the time to focus on that, either. She had to be strong in order to deal with Lillie in the most effective manner.
Once they had her in the car and relatively quiet, Diane would have climbed behind the wheel if Charles hadn’t stopped her. “Move over, I’ll drive.” His voice was taut. “Where to?”
“Anywhere, as long as it’s away from here!” Diane said between clenched teeth. She held her shaking hands in her lap.
They went a mile or so when Charles eased the car to the side of the road. “Well?”
“Sanderville Clinic on East Jefferson.”
“No! I’m not going!”
“Lillie, you need help. You can’t just keep going on like this. The people at Sanderville are very nice. They’ll see that you have the best care.”
“Hell, no! I’m not going to no dumb-ass rehab clinic. Let me out of here!” she yelled from the back seat.
Diane, flushed with acute embarrassment, gave a silent thanks for the two-door Buick. Charles’s strong hands gripped the steering wheel with far more pressure than necessary. He managed to contain the furious questions and the outrage boiling inside him.
Diane sighed, knowing that even though Sanderville was a highly recommended private facility and they were willing to take Lillie, their hands would be tied without Lillie’s consent.
“Her apartment is on Woodward in Highland Park,” Diane finally volunteered, shivering from the cold glare he issued before easing back out into traffic.
The drive across town was the most uncomfortable Diane could remember. The only sound came from Lillie mumbling to herself about her rights while Diane fretted.
Lillie occupied the rear apartment in the older building. As they entered the dank, dark dwelling, the landlady stopped them before they reached Lillie’s door.
“Ain’t no sense in trying to get in. I had the lock changed this morning.”
“You can’t do that!” Lillie screamed, releasing a litany of swear words.
“You haven’t paid your rent in three months. I can do anything I damn well please. I figure that stuff you got in there is mine now.” The plump older woman huffed indignantly, glancing at Diane. “Ain’t you the gal came looking for her last week?”
“Yes. How much does she owe you?” Diane asked, searching for her wallet in her purse.
“Six hundred and seventy-five dollars.”
Diane stared at the woman for a moment before her gaze swung to her mother. “How? How could you possibly owe so much?”
“I paid her last month,” Lillie wailed like a wounded child. “She’s lying! Bitch!”
“Who you calling a bitch?! You’re nothin’ but an old drunk. Smelling like the inside of a bottle all the time. Don’t know what you doin’ half the time. Probably an old drug addict, too!”
Lillie swore profusely and the landlady joined in. Diane wanted to cover her ears and drop through the floor, more ashamed than she ever dreamed possible.
Charles stood behind Diane, a frown marking his dark features. He spoke with so much authority, both women immediately obeyed. “Both of you, stop this now!”
Diane was so rattled that it took her a few moments to realized she didn’t have her checkbook with her. “I left my checkbook at home. I don’t have that much money on me.” She had no way of paying her mother’s rent. What in the world was she supposed to do now?
Charles reached into the inside pocket of his suit coat and extracted a checkbook. He wrote out a check without comment, his mouth tight with suppressed emotions while Diane wished the earth would kindly open up and swallow her whole. She didn’t want him to know about her mother, let alone about her supporting Lillie.
The landlady handed Charles the key without further comment and made a point of slamming the door in Lillie’s face. Charles used the key to open Lillie’s door but stepped aside for Diane and her mother to enter first.
Diane didn’t think she could be more embarrassed but one glance around proved her wrong. The one-bedroom apartment was in a shambles. It was only the second time Diane had been inside the apartment.
“If I had known you and your husband were coming, I would have straightened up.” Lillie began picking up the scattered clothes, beer cans, and liquor bottles from the floor. Diane stared at her in disbelief. Her mouth nearly dropped open when Lillie actually giggled. “My baby’s here with her man and my place is a mess.”
Diane wanted to scream. Apparently, all this was to impress her new-son-in-law. “Sit down, Lillie. We’re not here to be entertained,” Diane snapped impatiently, wishing to die on the spot. Nothing could be worse than this, especially the not knowing what he was thinking. The cold fury she had seen in his eyes earlier was enough to convince her that the bottom had dropped out of her world. No, she must not think about that now. “About the clinic...”
“I ain’t goin’,” she said, slumping tiredly into an armchair already filled with clutter.
“You can’t keep on drinking. Do you even have food in this place?” Diane asked impatiently.
“Ain’t been hungry.”
Diane sighed tiredly.
“Give me a few dollars, baby. I promise I won’t ask for more. I won’t bother you again, I promise. You know I love you. I didn’t mean for him to find out... honest, baby. I won’t go back to the house. I’ll keep all my promises. Please, baby, don’t be mad at me. Tell me you ain’t mad? Tell me...” Lillie broke down and sobbed.
Diane had nothing to say.
“Tell her, damn it,” Charles said between clenched teeth, his hands shoved into his pockets from where he leaned one shoulder against the wall.
Diane was too upset to feel anything beyond the despair weighing her heart down. Charles didn’t have to say the words. She knew Lillie wasn’t the only one in need of forgiveness.
“Diane!”
“I’m not angry. But I refuse to give you any more money. I won’t support you if you don’t agree to sign yourself into a rehabilitation center.”
Diane didn’t even wait for her husband. She went out the door and down the hall, intending to wait for him in the car. It no longer mattered if he was left in the room with Lillie. What more did she have to lose? She had already lost it all. Lillie had finally managed to ruin Diane’s life as she had ruined Danny’s and her own.
She waited nervously until he appeared and unlocked the passenger door of the car. “Charles...”
His gaze was frosty as he said, “We’ll discuss this when we get home.”
Emotionally exhausted, Diane climbed into the car, suddenly too drained to do more than lay her head against the headrest.
It wasn’t until they’d reached the expressway that Charles broke the silence. “How did you find out about this clinic?”
“Heather recommended it. They have an excellent in-house facility.”
“I see,” he said tightly.
Diane didn’t even notice the passing scenery. She didn’t have a clue as to how to explain all this to her husband. There was no doubt in her mind that he would demand a full explanation once they were home. Charles made a brief stop at school to pick up his car.
“I’ll follow you home,” was all he said, as he got out of the car.
Diane’s nerves were so rattled by the time they parked in their driveway that she would have preferred to spend the night in the car. Anything but face her husband.
Charles didn’t open his mouth until they were in the family room, the double door closed. He walked to the liquor cabinet and poured himself a whisky neat.
Diane’s eyes went wide with surprise. Charles very rarely drank anything more potent than beer.
“Why didn’t you tell me about her? Why did I have to find out about her in the damn school parking lot?”
Diane had never seen him so agitated. His handsome features looked as if they had been carved into a bitter, angry mask. Trembling, Diane shook her head. “No, you aren’t ready to listen with an open mind.”
“I plan to listen to every damn word you have to say. Neither one of us is leaving this room until you’ve said it all.”
Diane rung her hands in frustration. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“Start with the truth! Start with the damn truth!” Charles snapped, feeling as if his heart had been ripped from his chest.
Diane was familiar with fear. It had been a part of her life for as long as she could remember. This was different... it was paralyzing. Even though she knew he wouldn’t hurt her physically, Charles could devastate her emotionally... if he walked away from their love, their marriage. There would be nothing left to cling to... all the dreams would be shattered.
“How could you? All this time she’s been right here in Detroit. How could you deny your own mother’s existence?”
“Very easily.” Although she knew she’d shocked him, she didn’t look at him. She couldn’t face him knowing that she must tell him everything. No, she could not look at him, for she could not bear to see the disgust... the disillusionment... and ultimately the abhorrence on his handsome face.
“I’ve spent most of my life pretending that woman, the one you met today, wasn’t my mother.” She lifted her chin before saying, “My earliest memory of her was of shame. She wasn’t like the other kids’ mothers. She was crude... flamboyant... a prostitute.”
“What!”
“You heard me! You wanted to hear the truth, so shut up and listen!” Diane shouted at him, but she couldn’t look him in the eye. She hugged herself as she sank into an armchair, her head down. Her voice was barely above a whisper when she said, “I thought she was beautiful, so perfect, although a four-year-old doesn’t really understand that word. She had so many friends... all men. It wasn’t until I started school that I learned she was different... bad. That made me feel different... feel bad like her. I didn’t want to feel that way! It was horrible.”
Diane didn’t even glance his way as she recounted the past. “So I learned to keep secrets. Yes, some people do call it lying, but to me it was pretending. By junior high school I’d gotten quite good at it.”
“Diane...”
“No, you wanted to hear this. So let me tell it... all of it.”
Charles nodded his body tight with tension and disappointment.
“There were happy times after my little brother was born. I loved Danny so much. Things weren’t so bad unless Lillie had been drinking or using drugs. You see, my mother was also a heroin addict. For the most part she kept the men out of the apartment... only when she was really strapped for money did she bring men home with her.”
“When she was arrested and placed in rehab, Danny and I were sent to live with my mother’s older sister. It was heaven for us. Finally, we felt safe. For the first time I learned how the rest of the world really lived and I loved it. We went to church and made friends who could come over to play. It was crowded. Aunt Jean had five kids of her own to take care of.” Diane almost smiled at the memory.
Her voice was without expression when she went on to say, “Once Lillie was released we went back home. It took awhile, but before too long, she was once again dealing with the wrong people and making money the only way she knew how... by selling her body. Thank goodness, I was old enough by then to pretty much look after Danny and myself. I used to shop for our food on my way home from school and prepare our meals. As time went on, I took on more and more responsibility. I lost myself in my school work and my books. I loved to read and daydream. Fortunately for me, I was an excellent student.”
“Diane, why couldn’t you share this with me?”
Diane didn’t allow herself to respond, to feel, or she would have shattered like spun glass. She went on as if he hadn’t spoken. “It was after Danny’s death that Lillie stopped trying to be a mother. By the time I was in high school, it was dangerous for me to stay on with Lillie. She was bringing her men home at all hours of the day and night. I knew then I would have to leave.”
“Diane...”
She knew she couldn’t let her guard down. She couldn’t respond to the pity she thought she heard in his voice. “I was sixteen. I’ve been on my own ever since. And I was very, very lucky. I was able to maintain good grades and a full-time waitressing job at night. After high school, I got lucky when I was accepted at Central State with a full academic scholarship. I also worked to cover my other expenses. I never had time to worry about the past. As you know, Central was where I met Heather. When I left Chicago for Wilberforce, I never looked back. I started a new life for myself. It was after college when I moved to Detroit and started teaching at Lawrence. The rest you know.”
“No, I don’t know, Diane. How could I? How did your brother die?”
Suddenly, tears distorted her vision. She wiped them hastily away. “Danny had cystic fibrosis. He died because we couldn’t afford the medication he needed. Funny, how we had enough money for the drugs Lillie needed to maintain her high,” she ended sarcastically.
“I’m sorry.”
“Me, too. Danny didn’t deserve to die. He was so young.”
The brass clock on the mantel was the only sound in the room. Charles stared into the empty grate, trying to understand while attempting to ignore the keen sense of betrayal he felt. How could there be love without trust? Without love, what in the hell did they have? Diane sat nervously biting the tender flesh on the inside of her lip. There was nowhere to go... nowhere to hide from the shame she had tried so desperately to leave behind.
“Was it your idea for your mother to follow you to Detroit?”
Diane laughed with a marked lack of humor. “Hardly. I’d been in Detroit several years and I was feeling sentimental around the holidays. I sent my Aunt Jean a Christmas card with my return address. Lillie showed up on my doorstep before the snow had melted that year. The only good thing I can remember about her coming was that she was clean... no drugs or alcohol. She hadn’t a clue about how to take care of herself without resorting to the old habit. So I got her an apartment and a job working in a nursing home. She kept that job about six months. It was the last time she worked.”
“So you’ve been supporting her and lying to everyone you know about your absent mother,” he said dryly.
Diane nodded. “As far as I’m concerned, I still don’t have a mother. All I have is an obligation.”
“Well, what are you planning to do about her? She’s going down fast.”
“I don’t know. I just don’t know. I can’t make her get help if she doesn’t want it.”
“I see,” he said quietly.
“No! You don’t see.” Her temper flared. She was tired of him judging her... tired of his lack of understanding. “You don’t even know what it is to do without. You don’t have a clue!” She was on her feet now, trembling from head to toe.
Charles was just as agitated as he paced in front of the fireplace. Abruptly, he stopped and came to stand directly in front of her. “Diane, this is not about me. It’s about you. You’re the one who didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth. I don’t know what you call what you claim to feel for me, but it ain’t love, that’s for damn sure.”
She still couldn’t meet the challenge in his dark eyes.
She stared down at her tightly clasped hands when she said, “I love you with all my heart. You’re not being fair!”
“Don’t you dare talk to me about fairness or love. You possess neither. Hell, Diane, you can’t even look me in the eye.”
Diane heard the fury and hurt in his voice. He was right: she couldn’t face him. Yet somehow, she had to make him listen. “Chucky...”
“Don’t call me that!” Charles was so torn up inside that he couldn’t bear to have her call him by the name she used when they made love. Love. Obviously it didn’t have a damn thing to do with what had happened on board that cruise ship, or since, for that matter. How could she have married him when she didn’t trust him enough to tell him the truth? She had promised that there would be no secrets between them.
“I’m sorry. I never meant for you to be hurt by this or embarrassed as you were in the school parking lot.” Diane pleaded with him, “Please, honey. I nev—”
“You never meant to tell me!” he snapped his hands balled into fists and his mouth pinched with anguish.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Not half as sorry as I am, Diane.” He slammed his glass down on the table so hard it broke. He didn’t even feel the cut on his hand.
“Charles, please. Can’t you try to see my side of this?”
“I’ve heard enough. I need time, and you don’t have any other choice than to give it to me.”
Diane’s lips were raw from the way she’d been biting on them to hold back the tears. She refused to cry in front of him. There would be time for tears later.
Charles pulled on the black suit coat he’d thrown on the sofa earlier. “Just tell me one thing. Why did you trust Heather with all this, but not me? Why?”
“How did you know?”
“You told me in the car that Heather recommended the clinic.”
“Oh.”
“How long has she known? From the first?”
Charles stood near the door, waiting for Diane’s answer. “No! I only told her recently, when I became really concerned that Lillie might be using drugs again. Lillie started asking for more and more money, and she was drinking. I’d already given her money for her rent and living expenses. Charles, I had to get her into treatment. So I went to Heather for help.” She could see by his expression that her revelation had caused him even more pain. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t come to you with this.”
“That’s what hurts the most,” he said, walking out. Diane’s knees were quivering so badly that she dropped down to the sofa before she fell. She curled her legs beneath her, listening to his feet as he climbed the stairs.
She was tired, so tired... beyond that, she was numb. Heather had been right. She should have told him all this herself. Perhaps, if she had followed him upstairs and kept right on explaining until he could see her side...
Diane wasn’t sure how long she sat there disheartened. It was his footsteps in the foyer that alerted her to his presence. Her eyes went to the open double doors. Charles had a duffel bag in his hand.
“Charles.” She reached the front door a few steps behind him. “Where are you going?”
His face was devoid of emotion, hard with purpose. “It doesn’t matter. I have to get out of here.”
“But...”
“I need to think. Sort this out for myself.”
“Please, honey,” Diane whispered, as her world tilted on its axis. “We can’t solve anything apart.”
“There is no ‘we’. There is you, and there is me. There has never been a ‘we’.”