34

They stood at the edge of the sandpit together at homework club that Friday in a harmonious lull. Nobody was hitting anybody or attempting to take the implement that someone else was using. Vardi was scratching her head again. More lice. Vân Ước would have to remind Vardi’s mother about the importance of getting rid of the eggs, not just the critters, and give her another information sheet. Vân Ước probably should have taken her out of the sandpit, but, seriously, it was a losing battle in this age group. Someone was always scratching.

“I’ve been thinking about rowing—you know, what you were asking me about why I like it,” said Billy.

“And?”

“I guess I pretty much accepted the family assumption that I’d do it, like it, and be good at it.”

“They assumed right, didn’t they?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been imagining what it would be like to step away.”

She remembered the vaunting pride of Billy’s father at the after-regatta party, the row, Crowthorne, row hoo-ha. “Your father would probably have a heart attack.”

“I guess.” Billy didn’t look too perturbed at the idea.

“You’ve only got two more seasons to get through.”

“Not really.” His tone was wry, but he looked tired. “The commitment and work and early mornings and ergos in the pain cave and a coach yelling at me to be better will continue in America.”

“True.”

“Whereas some people might enjoy taking a year off after school. A year away from timetables and up at dawn and pain.”

“What might those people do?”

Billy smiled. “They might bum around for a while doing whatever the fuck they want. Like nothing much. Those people might even get to sleep in.”

“And that sounds good?”

“Oh yeah.” He’d obviously been mulling this over. “It’s starting to feel… like a straightjacket.”

She listened, throwing an I can see what you’re up to look at Sam, who was getting a bit feisty with the digging in the sandpit.

“Like I’ve been this thing for my family, for the school, but maybe I don’t want that anymore.”

“Wow. Has anyone ever quit the first eight, evereverever? Isn’t it like abdicating the sports crown?”

“Yeah. Only it’s such bullshit. I mean, sure, I’d feel bad for my crew, but there’s at least four guys in the seconds who’d kill for a place in the firsts and do a fantastic job.”

“Are you serious, or is this one of your rebellious-boy-behaves-badly stunts?”

“You disapprove of me still, I see.”

“Jesus.”

“Jesus yourself. I’ve never heard you swear before.”

“I’ve never heard you quote Jane Eyre before.”

They looked at each other.

“This feels… real,” he said.

“It can’t be, can it? You didn’t know I existed until a few weeks ago.”

“We’ve known each other forever, haven’t we?”

Those words rang so true and untrue. Her response to them sprang from her well-stocked imagination as much as her keenly awakened body. She felt the tangle of sex and longing and fairy tales with handsome boys and happy endings. She was peering into the well, ready to tumble in, and what then? These stories with enchantments and wishes weren’t her stories. She was smarter than that. She was nobody’s Cinderella. She wasn’t going to fall for this we’ve known each other forever, was she?

Had she?

Had they?

How disconcerting it was to have an idle fantasy turn into real-life attraction.

If she could find a way of reversing the wish, of leaving the seductive land of possible false pretenses, she had to take it. Urgent priority. No doubt, she was going to miss the adoring gaze of Billy Gardiner. But you couldn’t build something real on such a shaky foundation. If this were tricked-up, pretendo love, the day the wish dissolved, or passed its use-by date, would be a disaster.

Imagine Billy looking at her in the cold light of day and knowing—or would he even remember?—she’d been having her way with him. Using him for her own pleasure and amusement. It made her blush. And what would school be like once the spell was broken? Relegated to the invisible realm once more. All his friends so relieved that he had finally come to his senses. What had he been thinking? Did that really happen?

What, in fact, was happening?

Free writing time-out.

Billy is attracted to me because I wished he would be (using a magical wish vial, from a creative writing prompts box). I wished that he found me attractive above all others and… fascinating. (Embarrassing to even write it down. Cannot be true.)

First theory still right: Billy Gardiner is perpetrating the longest, most believable, most utterly plausible setup of a joke in the history of the world. (Surely unlikely that he could fake all that kissing with unequivocal physical responses to being close to me—e.g., erect penis, fast breathing, soft moaning. Or is this something I don’t understand about male sexual response?? Does not discriminate between true love and potential joke victim? Loath to believe that.)

OR: Billy Gardiner started off intending to play a mean joke on me but changed his mind along the way and has fallen for me for real. (A little bit aww, but mostly problematic: Could I love someone who set out with the intention of being mean to me? Needs more thought + possible consult w Jess.)

OR: This is dream life, and I will wake up in the morning back in real life. (Sign of current level of confusion that this one is shaping up as possible frontrunner.)

OR: Billy suddenly noticed me, and fell for me, for no particular reason. (But surely unmotivated blitz love happens at first sight or not at all [more likely the latter].)

OR: Unbeknownst to his conscious mind, Billy had unconsciously been aware of me for a longer time than he realized (e.g., he knew about my academic results from last year???).

Hope hard drive can’t remember/tell anyone/send a message to my whole e-mail contact list that I wrote “erect penis.” (That’s twice, now.) Jess would think nothing of writing “erect penis.” (Three times.) Though as a lesbian-in-waiting, she is perhaps less likely to have cause to write it. Why am I such an idiot? No good answer to that.

Select All. Delete.