Chapter 3

The Other Former NHL Stars who Interviewed for Colin Campbell's Job

 

The NHL surprised fans during the 2011 off-season when they announced that controversial disciplinarian Colin Campbell would resign his post and be replaced by Brendan Shanahan.

Shanahan was a natural choice for the job, but sources tell me he wasn't the only candidate. It turns out that several other star players from Shanahan's era were also interviewed, and I've managed to obtain a top-secret transcript of the proceedings.

Scene: Gary Bettman's office.

 

Gary Bettman: Well, Brendan, that wraps up the interview. And I think Colin and I can agree that you completely nailed it.

 

Brendan Shanahan: Hey, thanks, guys.

 

Colin Campbell: You're a perfect fit for this job. But before we can make it official, we do have some other candidates to interview.

 

Bettman: Yeah, you know how it is. We need to make sure everyone gets a chance to speak with us. After all, you're not the only former NHL star who might be interested in the job.

 

Shanahan: Oh. OK, I guess that makes sense.

 

Bettman: Great, thanks for understanding. (Into phone intercom): Send in Jeremy Roenick.

 

Voice on intercom: Right away, sir.

 

Jeremy Roenick: Hi, guys. Thanks for having me here. I really appreciate it.

 

Campbell: Thanks, Jeremy. My first question for you is—

 

Roenick: Nice desk. Is that mahogany? I love mahogany.

 

Campbell: That's great, Jeremy. If you let me finish my question, I was—

 

Roenick: You know back in 1991 with the Hawks, we were in a tough series with the North Stars …

 

Campbell: Stop talking.

 

Roenick: So I'm playing on a line with Steve Thomas, and it's late in the third period …

 

Campbell: Please stop talking.

 

Roenick: I'm afraid that's not possible. Once I get going I'm not physically capable of silence.

 

Campbell: Maybe we should move on.

 

Bettman: Good idea. Our next candidate is former Maple Leafs captain Wendel Clark. Why the interest in this job, Wendel?

 

Wendel Clark: Well, I'm really concerned about all the dirty hits these days. So I'd institute a strict policy to reduce them.

 

Campbell: Which is?

 

Clark: First offense, I punch you in the face.

 

Campbell: Wow. And on a second offense?

 

Clark (cracking knuckles): There wouldn't be any second offenses.

 

Campbell: Good point.

 

Roenick (still talking to himself): And then I say to Chelios, “Loosen up, old man, it's the nineties … “

 

Bettman: OK, our next former star is … uh-oh.

 

Wayne Gretzky: Hi, Gary!

 

Bettman: Oh man.

 

Campbell: Wayne, you're applying for my job?

 

Gretzky: Yeah, Colin. I'm looking to pick up some extra income. You see, my last employer didn't pay me everything they owed me.

 

Bettman: Um …

 

Campbell: What? That's an outrage! Tell me who it was, so Gary and I can go take care of it for you.

 

Bettman: Colie …

 

Campbell: I mean, this is hockey legend Wayne Gretzky. Anyone who would try to short-change him deserves a serious beatdown!

 

Bettman: Really not helping here, Colie.

 

Gretzky: Actually I don't think I'll need your help, because I brought a little backup of my own. I think you gentlemen remember (pauses dramatically) … Marty McSorley.

 

(Bettman and Campbell look behind Gretzky at an empty doorway.)

 

Gretzky (confused): Marty? That's your cue, Marty.

 

(From outside comes the sound of tires squealing as a car makes a speedy getaway.)

 

Gretzky: I don't understand. Why would he take off instead of … oh. Hey, Wendel, didn't see you there.

 

Clark: Hello, Wayne.

 

Gretzky: I didn't know you were applying for this job.

 

Clark: Sure am. Want to hear my policy on uncalled high-sticks?

 

Gretzky (sitting down quickly): No thank you.

 

Bettman: OK, let's just move on to the next candidate. (Into intercom:) Send him in, please.

 

Voice on intercom: Yes sir.

 

Patrick Roy: Bonjour!

 

Bettman and Campbell (immediately): No.

 

Roy: Oh come on!

 

Campbell: Patrick, we saw you play. You were a crazy person.

 

Roy: So you don't want to hear about my “automatic suspension for turning down a goalie fight” idea?

 

Roenick: And then I deked past the twitching corpse of Sami Kapanen, went in and scored the overtime winner!

 

Clark (leaning over to Roy): Man, is that guy ever annoying.

 

Roy (removing Stanley Cup rings from each ear): What's that? I couldn't hear him.

 

Campbell: OK, so just to summarize: Wendel Clark wants to punch everyone in the face, Patrick Roy thinks goalie fights should be mandatory, and Jeremy Roenick couldn't run a suspension hearing because he wouldn't let anyone else talk. Also, Wayne Gretzky just high-sticked Gary Bettman in the face.

 

Gretzky (holding bloody hockey stick): Did not!

 

Campbell: Brendan, do you have anything to say about all this?

 

Shanahan: Um …

 

(Everyone stares at Shanahan intently.)

 

Shanahan: Hockey play?

 

Campbell: I knew you were perfect for this job. You're hired!