Chapter 6
Take the Quiz: Do you have a Concussion?
Concussions have been in the spotlight for several seasons now, as the NHL and its teams slowly but surely begin to take head injuries seriously. The league has even tried to standardize treatment by insisting that injured players undergo concussion-related medical testing prior to returning.
But fans may be surprised to learn that those “tests” aren't especially complex. They're actually just a simple one-page multiple-choice quiz, which has become the league's standard process for diagnosing concussions.
What does that quiz look like? Glad you asked, since I happen to have obtained a copy.
Dear NHL player:
You have recently suffered an injury, which resulted from a direct blow to the head. Congratulations! But before you can play again, league rules require you to pass the following in-depth test to ensure that you have not suffered a concussion.
Instructions: Answer each question and then add up your score. If you reach 100 points or more, you have a concussion and should not be playing; print out the results and show them to your coach.
1. What's the last thing you remember thinking before you were injured?
“I think I'll just cut across the blue line with my head down.” (+5 points) “What a nice pass I just made, I think I'll admire it.” (+10 points) “I'm pretty sure I can squeeze by Kronwall here . . .” (+20 points) “Hey wait, why are the linesmen backing off and leaving me all alone with Milan Lucic?” (+30 points) “I'll just adjust my rearview mirror and . . . how did Chris Pronger get into my backseat?” (+100 points)
2. Which of the following common concussion symptoms have you been experiencing?
Slight headache (+5 points) Short-term memory loss (+10 points) Nausea or vomiting (+20 points) Starting to think that the Ilya Bryzgalov signing may have been a good idea (+50 points) Really enjoying those NHL Guardian superhero things (+100 points)
3. As a result of your injury, are you having any difficulty reading this test?
I am experiencing significant difficulty. (+20 points) I am experiencing minor difficulty. (+10 points) I can understand everything I'm reading. (0 points) I can understand everything I'm reading, which is odd since I'm a European player who didn't speak a word of English prior to getting hit. (+100 points)
4. At any point since being injured, have you experienced any of the following symptoms of double vision?
There appears to be 8,000 people at tonight's Islanders game, instead of the usual 4,000. (+10 points) In the family seating area, Philadelphia Flyers fans are furiously waving four middle fingers at my great-grandmother. (+15 points) During games in Columbus, there are twelve Blue Jacket players on the ice looking at their watches and mumbling about whether the season is over yet. (+20 points) Could swear that one of the Canucks keeps passing the puck back and forth with a guy who looks exactly like him. (–50 points)
5. How did the fans react when you were hit?
Stunned into silence. (+5 points) Gasped in horror. (+10 points) Fight broke out in the upper level between fans trying to catch my mouthguard. (+20 points) Started throwing waffles at me, which made no sense. (0 points) Started throwing waffles at me, which made perfect sense. (+100 points)
6. Has there been any media coverage of your injury?
A sports-talk radio caller briefly asked about it. (0 points) A TV report mentioned that I had suffered an upper body injury. (+5 points) A newspaper article speculated that I may have suffered a head injury. (+10 points) I was featured on an episode of HBO's 24/7 last night, which was subtitled “The Ballad of Concussy McWobble'n'Fall.” (+100 points)
7. Hey, just curious, but you do realize this is hockey and not soccer, right?
What? (+20 points) Sigh . . . yes. (–100 points)
8. Finally, which of the following best describes your current role with your team?
I am a role player or fourth liner. (+20 points) I take a regular shift. (+10 points) I am a star player. (0 points) I am a star player and it is the playoffs. (Get out there, you're fine. Retake the test in the off-season if you still can't remember your name.)