Hockey fans often hear about the infamous “unwritten code” that governs fighting in the NHL. Any time there's an incident involving punches being thrown, you can count on someone making reference to The Code and whether a particular player's actions have violated it.
Unfortunately, it's a myth.
No, not the existence of The Code itself. It's the “unwritten” part that everyone has wrong. In reality, The Code has been written down in detail and passed on from one generation of NHL tough guys to the next. Every enforcer in the league has a copy; they just don't let us see it.
Until now, that is. I've obtained a tattered copy of The Code, and transcribed it below. It's time that hockey fans knew the truth.
Welcome to the league. In your role as an NHL tough guy, you will be expected to conduct yourself according to a traditional set of rules and procedures. We call them The Code, and they are the rules we live by.
Please read The Code carefully and thoroughly, and follow it at all times.
Weight classes
All players shall be divided into the following weight classes, listed in descending order of toughness:
- Heavyweight
- Cruiserweight
- Middleweight
- Lightweight
- Doug Weight
Choosing an opponent
The Code dictates that players should stay within their weight class whenever possible. For example, a heavyweight may only fight:
- Another heavyweight.
- A cruiserweight who has instigated the confrontation.
- A lightweight who has attempted to injure a teammate.
- An overweight Flyers fan who has fallen into the penalty box.
- The nagging feeling that his job will no longer exist in three years.
Rules of engagement
Any of the following phrases, when spoken directly to an opponent, shall be taken as an invitation to fight:
- “Let's go.”
- “Wanna drop the gloves?”
- “Would you like to hear a detailed rundown of my fantasy draft?”
- “Whoa oh, oh—this is Canada's team!”
- “I don't know, Paul. To be honest I find your Twitter account sort of juvenile and repetitive.”
When to fight
It is considered appropriate to initiate a fight when:
- Your team has lost momentum at home, and you want to wake up the crowd.
- An opponent has committed a serious offense for which immediate retribution is required.
- Colin Campbell emailed you and told you to. (Note: It's probably a good idea to delete the email afterwards)
- You suddenly realize that you haven't been mentioned on Coach's Corner in almost three weeks.
When not to fight
Avoid fighting under inappropriate circumstances, such as when:
- The coach has given you specific instructions not to fight.
- Late in a close game, when an instigator penalty could result in a crucial power play.
- Your opponent is not expecting it, since he's busy listening to the national anthem.
- Some other completely inappropriate time, such as the playoffs.
Punishable acts
Any of the following acts shall be deemed in violation of The Code, and deserving of an immediate punch in the face:
- Shooting a puck towards the net after a whistle.
- Spraying snow on a goalie who has covered the puck.
- Attempting that cheap breakaway move from NHL 94.
- Being Sean Avery.
Removal of equipment
If, in the moments immediately preceding a fight, an opposing player:
- Removes his gloves: You must do the same.
- Removes his helmet and visor: You should do the same if you are given the opportunity.
- Removes his elbow pad: You may do the same if you so choose.
- Removes his shirt and pants: You should consider the possibility that you are not actually in a fight and have instead accidentally wandered into Patrick Kane's limousine.
When the fight is over
An altercation is considered over as soon as any of the following occurs:
- The linesmen make their first effort to intervene.
- One or both players fall to the ice.
- The opponent's trainer asks if you could hold off hitting him for a few seconds while they load him onto the stretcher.
- Pretty much as soon as it begins, if you are Matt Carkner and the other guy is Colton Orr.
This concludes The Code. Remember, memorize its rules and follow them at all times. (Unless, you know, somebody makes you really mad. Then just go ahead and do whatever you want.)