Chapter 9

What an Official NHL Trade Call Really Sounds Like

 

It's always exciting for fans when news of a trade breaks. These days, media often have the scoop on a transaction almost immediately, and quickly take to the airwaves or the web to share the news.

Fans may have noticed that these initial reports often allude to a deal being complete “pending a trade call with the league.” The phrase brings to mind an intense conference call in which league officials grill the participants before grudgingly approving a deal.

But as it turns out, a trade call is simply a formality. And just like every other phone call you try to make these days, the entire thing is handled through an automated system.

Thanks to league sources, I got my hands on the top-secret number and gave it a call. Here's a transcript of what I heard.

Thank you for calling the National Hockey League. For service in English, press one. For service in French, press two. For service in whatever language Don Cherry is speaking, press three.
You have selected English. Please listen carefully, as our menu options have recently changed:
If you are a GM calling to complain about a penalty, press one.
If you are a GM calling to complain about a suspension, press two.
If you are a GM calling to complain about a goal review, press three.
If you are a GM calling to complain about having nothing to complain about, press four.
If you are an owner calling to report that you have recently gone bankrupt, press five.
If you are calling to report a completed trade, press six.
You have pressed six. You will now be connected to the NHL trade hotline. At any time, you may press zero to speak to Darren Dreger.
If you are trading away a draft pick, please enter the round number now.
You have chosen to trade a first-round draft pick. Is this pick lottery-protected in case you finish last? Press one for yes or two for no.
You have pressed two for no. Um, do you think that maybe you should rethink that? Press one for yes or two for no.
You have pressed two for no. Look, Brian, we've talked about this, wouldn't it make sense to at least ask if—
You have angrily mashed two for no.
Does your trade involve a player? Press one for yes, or two for no.
You have pressed one for yes. Please enter the line that the player plays on, and then his salary, followed by the pound key.
You have indicated that you are trading for a third-liner who makes $5 million. Are you drunk? Press one for yes, or two for no.
You have pressed two for no. Please indicate why you are making this clearly terrible trade:
If you are trying to satisfy your idiot owner, press one.
If you are trying to satisfy your idiot fans, press two.
If you are trying to satisfy your idiot media, press three.
If you've stopped caring because you're being fired at the end of the season and figure this will be the new guy's problem, press four.
For all of the above, press five.
You have pressed five. Your trade is ready for processing. In a few moments it will be finalized, and you may inform the players and announce the deal publicly.
One last thing: Did you remember to check and see if the player has a no-trade clause? Press one for yes, or two for no.
You have drop-kicked your phone out an open window. Thank you for calling the NHL trade hotline. Goodbye.