A few years ago, astrologists briefly made headlines with a shocking claim: Thanks to a shift in the Earth's axis, we'd all need to learn new zodiac signs. Everyone was so stunned by the news that they spent days discussing the new system before eventually agreeing to forget it and just go back to the old one.
Did any of that matter to you? If you're a hockey fan, no, it didn't. That's because die-hard fans have long had their own unique set of astrological signs. Forget Scorpio and Capricorn; hockey fans have a better system that more closely aligns with the ups and downs of the NHL calendar.
On the off chance that you're a new fan or could use a quick refresher course, here's a rundown of the hockey world's zodiac signs.
Sign of the Opening Night (October): You're an optimistic spirit who chooses to see the best in people. You're willing to let the mistakes of the past stay in the past, and you believe that everyone deserves a fresh start. You know that you'll never be perfect, but you also understand that you can't obsess over every little thing.
Sign of the Long Season (November): You obsess over every little thing. You spend hours staring at yourself in the mirror, taking stock of every flaw and wondering how it's possible that you didn't notice them until now. You're haunted by a nagging sense that you were a fool for thinking things might actually work out for once. You probably drink too much.
Sign of the World Juniors (December): You're a shining example of the power of youthful exuberance. Emotional and excitable, you enjoy sprinting around and jumping into a wall whenever something goes well. You like to travel the world, even though everyone agrees that you'd probably be better off if you just stayed in Canada. You're really mean to Norwegian kids.
Sign of the All-Star (January): You're constantly reinventing yourself in an attempt to stay cool. Rich businessmen and small children love you, although everyone else finds you sort of tedious. Every time you hold a party, everyone spends weeks arguing about one or two friends that you forgot to invite. People often fake injuries to avoid you.
Sign of the Olympics (February): You're a world traveler who doesn't come around very often. Everybody loves you, even though you occasionally have an annoying habit of showing up at three in the morning. Whenever you attend an event that ends up being a huge success, you like to pretend you might not come back, even though nobody believes you.
Sign of the Trade Deadline (March): Everyone finds you endlessly fascinating, and people love to watch and analyze your every move in excruciating detail. Friends describe getting incredibly excited at the mere thought of your presence. But when you finally arrive, people are strangely underwhelmed and mutter, “Wait, I faked sick from work for that?”
Sign of the Stretch Run (April): Forget fun and games; you believe that it's time to get serious. You can be unpleasant and even downright cruel—and known to break a few hearts along the way—but nobody wants to be left off of your dance card. But deep down, you can't shake the feeling that everyone is using you to get to something better.
Sign of the Playoffs (May): You have a beard, and you enjoy shaking hands. You're intense and unpredictable, with exhilarating highs and excruciating lows. You can be almost unbearably difficult, but for those willing to persevere through the tough times, you offer the possibility of unmatched happiness that makes it all worth it. You never hang out with Maple Leafs fans.
Sign of the Draft (June): You're a long-term thinker who likes to plant seeds for the future and watch them grow. You have pimples, a bad haircut, a cheap suit, and a disturbingly gigantic neck; you absolutely will not put on a hat without bending it for five minutes first. You also don't hang out with Maple Leafs fans.
Sign of Free Agency (July): The good news: You're a shopaholic who loves the thrill of the hunt. The bad news: You usually make terrible financial decisions that will take you years to fix. Everyone warns you about this, of course, but you can't seem to help yourself. You would probably be a lot better off if you avoided talking with Russian people.
Sign of the Off-Season (August): You are incredibly dull and nobody likes you.
Sign of Training Camp (September): You are full of the inner peace that can only come with a new beginning, and you believe that a brighter future may be right around the corner. You trust in the power of youth and feel that all things are possible, even for people you just met. You embrace hope, dream big dreams, and eventually make the cutest little whimpering noise when reality comes along and mercilessly stomps holes in your soul.