The start of the season is one of the best times of the year to be a hockey fan. Training camp is done, final rosters have been announced, and the games finally matter again. Very soon, we get to start separating the contenders from the pretenders.
But what if you're the type of fan who doesn't like suspense? What if you can't be bothered to watch eighty-two games just to find out whether your favorite team will be any good this year?
You're in luck. By taking the quiz below, you can find out right now whether your team has what it takes to succeed. Simply grab a pen, circle the answer to each question that best applies to your team, and then consult the answer key at the end.
1. What is your team's official marketing slogan for the coming season?
A) “Come and watch us on our quest for the Stanley Cup.”
B) “Win or lose, you'll always see an honest effort.”
C) “Hey, as long as everyone has fun and nobody gets hurt there's really no reason to keep score, right?”
D) “Of course we have no chance, but at least the fans don't know that. Uh, remember not to write that last part down.”
2. During an exhibition game, you notice your team's coach is using one of those fancy new tablet computers behind the bench. When the camera zooms in on the screen, what would you expect to see him doing?
A) Drawing up a detailed play that's specific to the current personnel and game situation.
B) Reviewing video of a play that took place earlier.
C) Googling the phrase “How does ‘icing' work?”
D) Posting his résumé online.
3. Your team's prized prospect is often referred to as:
A) Alexander Ovechkin without the mercy.
B) Chris Pronger without the mean streak.
C) Martin St. Louis without the size.
D) Steve Mason without the limbs.
4. Whenever experts discuss your team, what is the most common phrase they use?
A) “The presumptive Stanley Cup champions.”
B) “The dark horse contender.”
C) “The complete and utter travesty of a team, an embarrassing collection of unskilled impostors, seemingly lacking in even the most basic human capacity for shame.”
D) “The Edmonton Oilers.”
5. How often does your team take a “too many men on the ice” penalty?
A) Never. The coaching staff has enforced an unshakable teamwide commitment to discipline.
B) Occasionally. But only because of confusion caused by those two all-star forwards being identical twins.
C) Often. Your players have difficulty with complex concepts, such as “six.”
D) Never. The league has ruled that, due to their talent level, it is technically impossible for your team to ever be using “too many” players.
6. When asked by a reporter for what he would like to be able to say about his team at the end of the season, the general manager replies:
A) “That we won it all—nothing else will be acceptable.”
B) “That we always gave it everything we had, even if it was in a losing cause.”
C) “That we finished near the top of the league in ties.”
D) “At the end of the season? You should probably ask somebody who'll still be employed here.”
7. Whenever you hear experts say that your team will contend for a championship, they immediately add:
A) “Then again, I'm really just stating the obvious here.”
B) “Of course, that's only if they're able to stay completely healthy.”
C) “This concludes my demonstration of the sort of thing people say when they've suffered severe head trauma.”
D) “e5.”
8. What is currently hanging from the ceiling in your team's dressing room?
A) A replica of last year's championship banner.
B) An inspirational quote about never giving up during difficult times.
C) Streamers, balloons, and a sign reading “Congratulations on winning a face-off.”
D) The starting goaltender.