All right everyone, gather around. Welcome to day one of the training course to become an NHL referee. I'll be your instructor, and I'm going to teach you everything you need to know to earn your orange stripe.
I see we have a good turnout today. Wow, there must be hundreds of you. I can see why, of course. You're talking about a chance to be front and center in the greatest hockey league in the world. Who wouldn't want this job? Let's get started.
OK, everyone get in line and head out onto the ice. Once we're all out there, we'll … what's that? Yes, there are people in the stands booing you. Right, sure, one of them seems to be screaming horrible things about your mother. No, of course they don't know you and have never met you. What does that have to do with anything? Do you want to be a referee or not?
Hmm. Did a few of you just turn around and leave? That's weird. I guess they must have forgotten something in the locker room.
OK, let's get started by practicing some close calls down in the corner. Now, this is all going to happen really fast, so be ready. Get into the perfect position. Make sure you have a clear view. Watch carefully, and … make your call. Hey, look at all those hands in the air. Two minutes for hooking? Nice call. Go over and report it to the timekeeper. I'll admit that was a tough one, but hey, you have to learn to call it like you see it.
All right, we're just going to pause here for a moment so the broadcasters can analyze the play in super slow motion from ten different angles and explain to a few million viewers how you got it wrong. Just give them a minute. Don't worry, if your call went against the home team they'll show it on the giant scoreboard so everyone in the arena will get to see it too.
Let's run another play and see how you decide to call it. OK, this time I see that you decided not to call a penalty. Interesting. It was another close play, but if your judgment says it wasn't a penalty then that's absolutely what you should …
Oops, I heard a whistle. Oh look, apparently your partner at the other end of the rink decided to call a penalty on that play that happened right in front of you. That's right, the one you were standing five feet away from. He thinks you missed it. What's that? No, of course you can't overrule him. Why would we let you do that? No, you just stand there while he makes the call and basically tells everyone watching that he thinks you screwed up.
Hey, am I imagining things or did we lose a few more people? Weird.
OK, one last important thing to go over. In some cases a play may need to be reviewed, and you'll need to wait for the war room in Toronto to analyze the instant replay. What's that? How will you know when a review is taking place? Oh, we've taken care of that. You'll hear a special horn blast that will alert you. Let's listen to it now … there you go. Nice and loud. Hard to miss.
Is there a question in the back? Yes. Yes, that's right. You get to have a job where 20,000 people get to hear a special sound effect every time your supervisor thinks you may have made a mistake. Cool, eh?
OK, so you hear the horn and you skate over to the timekeeper's area. He'll hand you a phone through the hole in the glass. Try not to get the cord tangled. Yes, that's right, the cord. Because the phones are from 1972, that's why. Be careful with those things. They're valuable antiques.
I'm sorry, what was that? Why can't you just watch the replay yourself? Ha ha. Don't be silly. What kind of league would do that? Right, the NFL, exactly. What do they know?
OK, now it's time to announce the ruling to the crowd. Take a few steps back, face the camera, and look like you absolutely hate this part of your job. Now remember, when you're announcing the decision make sure you only actually say every third word. In the rare event that you've been given a microphone that actually works, you wouldn't want the fans to understand anything you were saying.
Let's all practice that. Perfect. You guys are really good. Well, the four of you who are still here. I could have sworn there were supposed to be more of you.
OK, so far you've been verbally assaulted by strangers, second-guessed by broadcasters, undermined by your colleague, and embarrassed by your boss. Hmm. We may not have time for the part where the players protest a call by wildly overacting because they know the game is being televised. We'll have to cover that tomorrow.
Well, congratulations, everyone. You made it through day one. We simulated a game, and you came through with flying colors. Now it's time to head back to the officials' dressing room, crack a cold beer, and reflect on a job well done. The game couldn't go on without you, and anyone who loves the sport owes you a debt of gratitude.
Hey, speaking of the fans, let's just see what they're saying about you on Twitter. There's some really well-thought-out feedback being shared here right now. This guy has a suggestion for you. Hmm. I didn't even know that was anatomically possible! You guys should really have a look at …
Guys?
Man, it's weird how that always keeps happening.