If you're a National Hockey League personality, odds are you spend much of your day with a microphone in your face and somebody asking you a question. Many newcomers interpret this as an invitation to share their honest thoughts and opinions. It's not.
In fact, there are only a few dozen acceptable answers to any hockey-related question, and you'll be expected to simply choose the right one and recite it verbatim. Sure, some will accuse you of speaking in clichés, but it's better than the alternative: revealing yourself to have an actual personality, and being torn to shreds for it.
So for those of you who may be new to life in the NHL, here's a quick guide to the sort of things that are acceptable to say, and what you should avoid saying:
If you want to say: “Wow, a player on our team just committed a sickening act of violence for which he will surely be suspended.”
Instead say: “I can't comment on that, since I haven't seen the replay.”
But don't also say: “Because there was blood and bone fragments all over the scoreboard.”
If you want to say: “Did we pay that guy too much? I think we paid that guy too much. Let me see the contract again. Oh man, we paid that guy way too much.”
Instead say: “As per team policy, financial terms were not disclosed.”
But don't also say: “Even though they'll be posted on CapGeek seven seconds after you read this.”
If you want to say: “Sure, fighting Zdeno Chara sounds like a super idea!”
Instead say: “I think I'll just curl up in a little ball under my bench where it's safe.”
But don't also say: “Hey, where'd this puddle come from?”
If you want to say: “Even though we're in last place and have lost seventeen games in a row, I'm not allowed to waive my no-trade clause because my wife says she really likes the shopping in this city.”
Instead say: “I am absolutely committed to this team and want to win a championship here.”
But don't also say: “Yes, honey, I was just … No, just talking to some reporters and … Yes, dear, of course, I'll be home immediately.”
If you want to say: “This player is lazy, doesn't try hard, stops caring entirely for weeks at a time, and all his teammates want to strangle him.”
Instead say: “This player is enigmatic.”
But don't also say: “That's Russian for ‘total head case,’ right?”
If you want to say: “Our coach has been fired? Hallelujah! Now maybe we can all start trying again!”
Instead say: “It's always tough to see somebody lose his job.”
But don't also say: “Now quick, somebody help me set his office on fire before they change their minds.”
If you want to say: “I'm pretty sure that after that latest hit, our star player might be dead.”
Instead say: “He is questionable to return after suffering an upper-body injury.”
But don't also say: “In the sense that, technically, his upper body was the last-known location of his head.”
If you want to say: “Hey, you know what would be fantastic? If my defensemen could go one shift without turning the puck over, screening me, and then deflecting slap shots past me. Can we maybe try that once, guys, just for a change?”
Instead say: “We win as a team, and we lose as a team.”
But don't also say: “And after looking at this team, I've decided to go fight Brent Johnson.”
If you want to say: “We are completely hopeless.”
Instead say: “Hey, we just need a few bounces to go our way!”
But don't also say: “Like, if the other team's bus bounced off of the overpass on the way to the game, we could probably pick up a point.”