Chapter 42

What an Official NHL Suspension Call Really Sounds Like

 

Hockey fans have become very familiar with suspensions over the past few years. Whether it was Colin Campbell or Brendan Shanahan handing out the justice, it seems like there's a new decision being announced every few days. So by now, fans know the drill. A serious infraction results in the perpetrator receiving an invitation to an in-person hearing at the league office, while lesser offenses are handled over the phone.

But what does that phone call sound like? Most fans probably imagine a lengthy conference call in which agents, player reps, and league officials all get a chance to weigh in before a final verdict is reached.

As it turns out, it's not that complicated. DGB spies got hold of the hotline number, and here's a transcript of what they heard.

Thank you for calling the National Hockey League's suspension hotline. For service in English, press one. Pour le service en Français, appuyer sur le deux. For service in Randy Cunneyworth's version of French, pressez-vous à the numero three now.
You have selected English. Please note that your call may be monitored for training purposes, since we're all assuming Shanahan will wise up and tell Bettman to stuff this job within a year.
Please indicate what you did wrong to deserve this phone hearing:
If you slashed somebody, press one.
If you hit somebody from behind, press two.
If you took out somebody's knees, press three.
If took out somebody's knees by slashing them from behind, press four.
If you hit somebody in the head, press five.
If you have no idea what you did because you're a Boston Bruin and the local media keeps insisting you did nothing wrong, please stay on the line and one of our operators will be pleased to assist you.
You have pressed five, for a head shot.
You will now have an opportunity to defend yourself for hitting another player in the head. Please enter the excuse you would like us to politely listen to and then ignore:
If you're claiming that you didn't actually make contact with the other guy's head and are really hoping nobody in this office has access to YouTube, press one.
If you didn't mean to hurt anybody, and were just trying to get yourself suspended so that you wouldn't have to attend the All-Star Game, press two.
If you used to room with Brendan Shanahan back in his playing days and assume he doesn't want anyone to see those photos you still have, press three.
If you don't see what the big deal is about flagrant head shots, dial four on the rotary phone you're presumably using, since you are trapped in 1950.
If you can't think of an excuse because you haven't had a chance to talk to your team's PR person yet, press five.
You have pressed 5. We will now determine the length of your suspension.
Please enter your salary and the line that you play on, followed by the pound sign.
Please enter the salary of the guy you laid out and the line he plays on, followed by the pound sign.
You have indicated that you are a fourth liner, and the guy you laid out was a superstar. Would you like to just retire now and save everyone some time? Press one for yes and two for no.
You have pressed two for no. Thanks for nothing, Raffi.
Finally, when Brendan Shanahan announces your suspension he will release a video explaining his decision on Twitter and NHL.com. Please describe how you would like him to appear during his video:
If you would like him to awkwardly stare into the camera while looking tired, press one.
If you would like him to awkwardly stare into the camera while looking annoyed, press two.
If you would like him to awkwardly stare into the camera while looking exasperated, press three.
If you would like him to awkwardly stare into the camera while looking like he cannot believe he has to explain this rule to you idiots all over again, press four.
If you would like him to do all of the above at the same time while being shot from the waist up in a way that makes it disturbingly unclear whether or not he is wearing pants, press five.
You have pressed five for all of the above.
This completes your phone hearing. You will be notified of Brendan Shanahan's decision later today. In the meantime, please answer one additional question.
Has the league's discipline process given you a better appreciation of the importance of player safety, which will deter you from this sort of dangerous behavior in the future? Press one for yes or two for no.
You have delivered a leaping elbow smash to two for no. Sigh. We figured as much. (Click)