Chapter 54

So you Want to be the Commissioner: The NHL's 1993 Job Application Form

 

 

The NHL will be celebrating an important anniversary on February 1, 2013: the twentieth anniversary of Gary Bettman's first day on the job as commissioner.

Whether hockey fans will also be celebrating is another matter. Bettman's reign has been nothing if not controversial, and has been marked by several notable successes (massively increased revenue, southern expansion, and unprecedented TV deals) as well as some definite failures (work stoppages, franchise instability, and the “dead puck” era).

It seems like Bettman's every move has been extensively examined and analyzed. Well, all except for one: his hiring. Sure, we all assume that it was the typical big-time executive hiring process, with a competitive recruitment, extensive interviews, and a high-stakes negotiation. But believe it or not, the entire process actually started with a simple application form.

And as luck would have it, DGB spies were able to track down the world's last remaining copy of the NHL's 1993 application form for potential commissioners.

Thank you for your interest in applying for the position of NHL commissioner. To help us learn more about potential candidates and ensure that we hire somebody who will be a great fit for this exciting opportunity, please complete the questionnaire below.

 

1. Do you have any references from current or past employers?
checkbox Do not have any references available.
checkbox Can provide phone numbers for reference checks.
checkbox Can provide letters of recommendation signed by previous employers.
checkbox Can provide a glowing recommendation from my current employer, David Stern, which he has assured me he is willing to deliver in person, since come to think of it he seems oddly enthusiastic about having me go and work for a league that competes directly with his.

 

2. Why do you want to be NHL commissioner?
checkbox Getting tired of always hearing my name mentioned on ESPN.
checkbox Have always wanted a chance to travel around North America learning about local bankruptcy laws.
checkbox Enjoy posing awkwardly for photographs next to trophies that are taller than I am.
checkbox Have heard you can be terrible at this job and still get to induct yourself into the Hockey Hall of Fame.

 

3. While we have identified the need for our league to grow, we are obviously concerned about diluting the quality of our product due to too much expansion. How would you avoid this potential problem?
checkbox Limit geographic options by avoiding any areas that like hockey.
checkbox Occasionally try going an entire year without adding any new teams, just to see what happens.
checkbox Make the expansion draft format so unfair that nobody will even notice the new teams for years.
checkbox Do not understand the words “too much expansion.”

 

4. Just curious, but, what is one plus one?
checkbox Two.
checkbox Definitely two.
checkbox Obviously two.
checkbox Usually two. But every now and then, for no especially good reason, three.

 

5. The first few years of the nineties were marked by fast, high-scoring, exciting games. How do you feel about the league's current style of play?
checkbox Current product is incredibly entertaining as is, but just in case, we should probably check back every ten years or so and see if anything has changed.
checkbox To be honest, I find the nets kind of distracting; let's increase the size of goaltending equipment so that we never have to see them again.
checkbox Pretty sure we could increase scoring even more if we randomly painted trapezoids behind the net for no reason.
checkbox The NFL is super popular, and those guys are constantly grabbing and tackling each other; let's spend the next few years making that legal in hockey.

 

6. Hey, you do realize that Canadians are going to complain about every single thing you do, no matter what, right?
checkbox Yep.
checkbox Oh yeah.
checkbox Definitely.
checkbox What are “Canadians”?

 

7. The NHL experienced its first league-wide work stoppage in 1992 when the players went on strike for ten days. If you became commissioner, what would be your approach to ensuring continued labor peace?
checkbox Lull the fans into a false sense of security by always letting a few seasons go by before another crippling work stoppage.
checkbox Make sure that we never allow the cancellation of a full season to impact the league's popularity in the United States by first working hard to ensure that we have none.
checkbox Just be glad we don't have to deal with a union head like that guy who's in charge of the MLB players association right now, because man, that dude is crazy!
checkbox Oh, let's just say you won't have to worry about any ten-day work stoppages when I'm around. Muhahaha!
8. Um, did you just cackle evilly in a written application form?

 

checkbox . . .
checkbox Maybe.

 

9. That's not even possible.
checkbox You cannot even begin to understand the powers I possess.

 

10. What the . . . How did you just make it thunder and lightning outside?
checkbox MUHAHAHA!

 

11. What time can you start on Monday morning?
checkbox I'll be there at 9:00 a.m.
checkbox P.S. Make sure you paint a trapezoid behind my desk. I'll explain later.