Football fans had a rough off-season in 2011. The NFL was going through a messy labor dispute that would drag on for months, with many experts suggesting that a work stoppage could wipe out some or even all of the season.
In the end those dire predictions turned out to be wrong, with the two sides reaching an agreement that prevented any games from being lost. But not before the NHL managed to get involved in the protracted courtroom battle between the NFL and its players association, by filing a legal brief urging a judge to side with the owners.
The move caught many observers off guard, and raised an obvious question: What sort of insight could the NHL really have to offer into football's problems? Plenty, as it turns out. I managed to obtain a top-secret copy of the NHL's brief, and found that it contains detailed advice that NFL owners no doubt found invaluable. Here's a selection of highlights from the filing:
- The cover page of the document has a note, in what appears to be NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's handwriting, that reads: “Should I have heard of these guys?”
- The brief contains a lengthy section titled: “How to keep a straight face if the players start to swear that they'll never accept a hard salary cap.”
- The league includes a helpful suggestion that the NFL consider generating some publicity by holding an outdoor game at a football stadium.
- Under the heading “Typo Alert,” NHL officials write: “Couldn't help but notice that you keep claiming you make several billion dollars a year off of your TV deal. Silly NFL, ‘million' is spelled with an ‘m'!”
- At the request of NHL officials, the brief includes the following note: “Hey, can you ask your referees where they get those microphones that actually work during crucial calls?”
- Three-quarters of the document's pages are spent trying to explain the NHL's exact policy on head shots.
- The brief includes a note from Mike Murphy that reads: “The guys in your replay room must be blind, because somebody scores using a distinctive kicking motion in, like, every single game.”
- A copy of Gary Bettman's résumé was “accidentally” slipped in between the first two pages.
- At one point, the NHL writes: “That little silver football thing you guys have is adorable, but give us a call if you ever decide to move up to giving out big-boy trophies.”
- The league strongly encourages owners in other sports to stand firm in labour disputes, at one point noting: “In fact, if both the NFL and NBA wanted to just cancel the next several seasons, we'd be totally fine with that.”
- The brief includes a section titled: “A detailed guide to televising a draft without letting your announcers ruin the suspense of every pick ten seconds before it's announced.”
- In incredibly tiny type at the bottom of the last page, the document includes the words: “By reading this brief, you agree that you are now the proud new owner of the Phoenix Coyotes.”
- The brief concludes with this sentence: “Despite the many differences between our two leagues, at the very least we can all come together and agree that the Panthers suck.”