Short of total isolation, the American society you live in today is going to influence how your children make moral choices in one way or another. Stop and think about it. What are the voices of society telling your children about the choices they are about to make? What is the central theme that today’s culture emphasizes over and over again? If you were to reduce it to a single sentence, it might look like this: You have the right to choose for yourself what is right for you and what is wrong for you—and no one should judge that choice.
We see and hear it expressed in so many ways in the arts, in literature, in entertainment, in the whole of our society: “You are the captain of your own fate. You choose what’s right for you. No one has the right to judge you for the moral choices you make. It’s in your hands—you decide what is true and moral for you.” That message is reinforced over and over again until most of our young people have bought into it.
The doctrine of cultural tolerance is built on the foundation of individual supremacy. It is the individual who determines what is best for him or her. Each person must determine what is right and wrong for himself or herself. And the culture will be intolerant of any person or group who suggests there is a morality outside ourselves that judges another person’s choices.
This erroneous claim that we are the arbiters of our own morality has far-reaching ramifications. To decide for ourselves what is moral and right sets us up as our own gods and puts us in opposition to the true God who alone is the author and arbiter of morality. Inevitably, moral choices based on our own moral compass will often be wrong choices. And wrong moral choices can result in consequences ranging from minor disappointments to major disasters emotionally, relationally, physically, and spiritually.
Moving our young people toward the biblical narrative about moral truth is often best done by challenging their thinking about what makes our actions and attitudes right or wrong in the first place. This will inevitably lead them back to why the person and character of God is the only true standard for deciding what is morally right and wrong.
When I (Sean) was a teenager, my dad challenged my thinking about moral truth. He often used current events and movies to guide my reasoning. I have done the same with my own children.
On one occasion he took me, my girlfriend (who became my wife), and my sister to see Steven Spielberg’s Schindler’s List. It seemed everyone was talking about it. It won seven Academy Awards, including the awards for Best Picture and Best Director. The movie was based on a true story about a German businessman named Oskar Schindler who saved the lives of more than a thousand mostly Polish-Jewish refugees during the Nazi Holocaust.
As we left the theater, we were surrounded by a somber crowd, many of whom were commenting on the atrocities inflicted on the Jews by the Nazis.
My dad turned to me and asked, “Sean, do you believe the Holocaust was wrong—morally wrong?”
I answered quickly. “Yes, of course.”
Then, as we got into the car to travel to a restaurant, he pursued the matter with all three of us. “Almost everyone walking out of that theater would say the Holocaust was wrong,” he explained. “But what basis would they have for making that judgment? Could they answer why it was wrong?”
The “Why is it wrong?” question really got me to thinking. I remember saying it’s wrong because the Bible says so. But then my dad asked me why the Bible says it’s wrong. I was speechless and really had no idea. Dad continued, “Most people in America subscribe to a view of morality called ‘cultural ethics.’ In other words, they believe that whatever is acceptable in that culture is moral; if the majority of people say a thing is right, then it is right.”
We arrived at the restaurant, and Dad continued to make his point. “That’s why many Americans will say that abortion is okay, because the majority of Americans—and Congress and the Supreme Court—have accepted it. If the majority thinks it’s okay, it must be okay, right?”
“But there’s a problem with that,” he explained. “If that is true, then how can we say the ‘aborting’ of six million Jews in the Holocaust was wrong? In fact, the Nazis offered that very argument as a defense at the Nuremberg Trials. They argued, ‘How can you come from another culture and condemn what we did when we acted according to what our culture said was acceptable?’ In condemning them, the tribunal said that there is something beyond culture, above culture, that determines right and wrong.”
He also went on to explain that most of what people call morality today is simply pragmatism. “If we don’t condemn what the Nazis did, people reason within themselves, what’s to stop someone from doing it to us? And they’re right, of course,” he told us. “They recognize the need for objective morality, but they can’t arrive at a true moral code—because they refuse to acknowledge the original.”
Finally, after about two hours of discussion, Dad pressed in on the first question he posed. He looked straight at me, probably because I was the oldest. “Do you know why what you saw tonight was wrong?”
“I know it was wrong,” I ventured, “but I guess I don’t know why it was wrong.”
“There is a truth,” he said, “that is outside you and all of us, above our family, and beyond any human—a truth about murder that originates in the person of God. Murder is wrong because there is a God, and that God is the giver and preserver of life. When he created the first human he said, ‘It is good,’ and commanded us to protect life and not to commit murder.”
That night I grasped the truth that God is the original life-giver and is the one with authority over life—he has the right to give life and to take life. Schindler’s List gave my dad an ideal opportunity to help me, my girlfriend, and my sister to understand that without God as the standard, there can be no universal moral guidelines.
This same reasoning applies to all other ethical issues as well. The basis of everything we call moral, the source of every good thing, is the eternal God who is outside us, above us, and beyond us. As we mentioned earlier, lying and stealing are wrong because God is truth (John 14:6). Justice is right because God is just (Genesis 18:25). Hatred is wrong because God is love (1 John 4:8). Forgiveness is right because God is mercy (Ephesians 2:4). Sexual immorality is wrong because God is faithful and pure (Deuteronomy 7:9). These things are right or wrong, not because society or even the church agrees with them or frowns on them, but because they are either contrary to or consistent with the nature and character of God.
A couple years after I (Josh) discussed Schindler’s List with Sean, Stephanie, and my daughter Katie, I launched the “Right from Wrong” Campaign. During that time my publishing team worked with me to create an easy-to-use process to teach young people how to determine what is morally right and distinguish it from wrong. We called it the “4-Cs Process.” Hundreds of thousands of families have used it and still use it to help their children determine what is truly right and what is truly wrong. I have continued to share this process in my speaking and published materials. Recently I included them in a book to dads titled 10 Commitments for Dads.1
I will draw on that book to make applying the process of determining right from wrong as practical as possible. Let’s call on Todd and his son Chad to illustrate the 4-Cs Process for us. Chad has been caught shoplifting, and his parents are confronting him about it. But to Chad, it really isn’t a big deal. He even feels he was justified in doing what he did. Let’s see how Todd and his wife, Laura, handle the situation. First, we will show them reacting as many parents would, and then we will re-create the situation and show them walking Chad through the 4-Cs Process.
“Chad, I promised you that this wouldn’t be like all those other ‘talks’ we’ve had,” Todd began. “I honestly don’t want to yell at you anymore.”
Silence descended quickly on the room, punctuated by a sniffle from Laura, Chad’s mother. Todd and Laura were confronting their son, who had been arrested for shoplifting at the local electronics store.
“I just want some answers,” Todd continued. He began to draw his son out, asking questions.
“How do you feel after being arrested for shoplifting?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you feel guilty?”
“No.”
“Because you don’t think it’s wrong?”
“No, it’s not that, exactly. I guess maybe I feel sorta bad in a way.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t you know what you did was wrong?” Laura chimed in. As she looked at Chad, she realized that at times her son seemed like a stranger to her. At other times, she could still see the little boy who would crawl up on her lap as she read him bedtime stories.
“Why do you guys think it’s so wrong?” Chad asked.
Todd flashed him a puzzled look. “What do you mean?”
“Why is it so wrong? I took one measly camera, that’s all. The last video camera I got from them never did work right. They owed me another camera but wouldn’t give it to me. What’s so wrong about taking what’s owed you?”
“I can’t believe this!” Todd said.
Chad rolled his eyes. He slumped back against the couch and crossed his arms.
“Chad,” Laura answered, “your father and I have tried to teach you honesty from day one. And it is so disappointing that you can’t see that stealing is wrong.”
“Who’s stealing?” Chad snapped. “I’m sure not. That store is the one stealing from the pockets of its customers every day. They’re the ones who need to be arrested.”
Todd was beginning to lose his temper. “You know good and well you had no right to take that camera, no matter what the store does to their customers. We’ve taught you better than that, Chad David!”
Laura, seated beside Todd, responded to the anger in her husband’s voice by pressing on his arm firmly.
“Look,” she said, in a calming voice. “Taking something from a store without paying for it is wrong, regardless of their business practices.”
“Why?” Chad persisted.
“What do you mean, ‘Why?’” Todd shot back. “It’s wrong! Some things are just wrong, dead wrong. And you and I both know what you did was wrong.”
Chad’s voice rose in reaction. “Well, you may think it’s wrong, but I don’t. You’re entitled to your opinion, and I’m entitled to mine. None of my friends think I did a thing wrong. The one in the wrong here is that store.” He rose from the couch and began walking out of the room.
“You get back here right now, young man,” Todd demanded.
“I’ve got to get ready for soccer,” he announced from the top of the stairway.
Laura pressed Todd on the arm again. “You promised him this ‘talk’ would be different.” Todd leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes, and wondered how his boy’s moral compass had gotten so far off the mark.
Todd and Laura want what every Christian parent wants—we all want our children to believe that certain things are right and other things are wrong so they can make right moral choices in life. Chad’s parents know their son has made the wrong choice but feel helpless to convince him otherwise. It is this feeling of helplessness that often drives us to lash out inappropriately and be confused about what to do. That’s when we are most likely to get angry or frustrated. Realizing and acknowledging this is a good first step. Such acknowledgment might have helped Todd respond more compassionately.
It’s not that Chad doesn’t know instinctively that some things are right and some things are wrong. Let him discover, for example, that his soccer shoes were stolen from his school locker and he’ll feel wronged. He wouldn’t argue that the thief is entitled to his opinion of right and wrong; he would appeal to an objective sense of justice by claiming that he had suffered an injustice. In so doing, of course, he would be appealing to a moral law that he believes everyone—not just he—ought to follow.
In Chad’s opinion, his actions were justified because the electronics store didn’t treat him or other people fairly. So in effect his “moral law” made it okay to steal. In fact, many of our young people today believe it’s okay to steal, lie, or cheat depending on the circumstances. According to them, what is wrong in one situation may be right in another.
Although it may not be the natural inclination, it is important for parents to see experiences like these as opportunities to teach their children to truly understand right and wrong. Many parents get insecure and afraid at the wrong behavior of their children. As a result, some become legalistic and only care about “sin avoidance” rather than the development of genuinely good moral character. Stealing is never good. And consequences do have to be paid. But if parents see instances like these as opportunities to help their children truly understand right from wrong, and to experience grace firsthand, they will have the best chance of seeing them develop Christlike character.
That is where God becomes an essential part of the discussion—because it is impossible to arrive at an objective and universal standard of morality without him in the picture. The 4-Cs Process was designed to help you include God in the discussion when dealing with matters of morality with your children.
Let’s recreate the situation with Chad and his parents and, using the 4-Cs Process, learn what they could have done to help their son determine how taking from even a disreputable electronics store was wrong.
1. Consider the choice.
2. Compare it to God.
3. Commit to God’s way.
4. Count on God’s protection and provision.
1. Consider the Choice.
In a single day, each of us makes literally scores of choices. Most of them are almost automatic. We choose what time to get up in the morning, what clothes to wear, what to eat, what route to take to work or school, where to park, and so on. We take little time or thought in considering these choices.
But when it comes to moral choices, we need to pause and realize we are at a crossroads. The choices we make—to be less than honest, to advance a flirtation to the next level, or as a student, to enhance our score by “borrowing” someone else’s answers—are often made without considering the gravity of what we are really doing. To make right moral choices, we must first pause long enough to remind ourselves that we are facing a right or wrong decision.
Let’s assume Chad had told his parents about the video camera he bought and the store’s refusal to make it right. How could Todd and Laura have used the 4-Cs Process to guide their son to the realization that taking a camera, even from a less-than-reputable store, was still wrong?
“I took the camera back, Dad, and they won’t do anything to fix it unless they charge me,” Chad laments. “They say I must have messed it up, but I didn’t. I feel like taking a new camera when they’re not looking so I can replace this crummy one. They’ve gotta pay somehow.”
“You’re right, son,” Todd responds, “they are not doing right by you. But you need to pause a minute to realize this is a time to consider the choice. There is a right decision to make here and a wrong one. And you want to make the right choice, because choices do have consequences.”
2. Compare It to God.
Chad’s failure was in neglecting to compare his attitude and action to the character of God. This would have meant looking at the choice in relation to God’s commands to be honest, which are in Chad’s best interest. Of course, before this comparison could affect Chad positively, it would be necessary for him to believe that God, not himself, is the universal standard for right.
Using this approach, Chad’s parents could have said something like the following:
“Chad, I know it doesn’t seem fair. The store sold you a defective camera, and they won’t make it right. They are, in fact, being dishonest with you.”
“You’re right, Mom. For once you guys are really right.”
Laura and Todd laughed, and Laura continued. “We could say since the store won’t own up to their dishonesty, we are justified in making them own up—we can then take what is properly ours, right?”
“Right on,” Chad replied. “And besides, they’ve got so many cameras they won’t even miss it if I lift one from them.”
“This all may sound good on the surface,” Todd said. “But what you would be doing is justifying your actions based on what you think is right, rather than looking to God, who defines what honesty and dishonesty really are.”
What Todd and Laura were doing here was directing their son to the original standard for what constitutes honesty. Chad was rationalizing that it wasn’t actually dishonest to steal from someone who owes another person. But when we take it on ourselves to rationalize in this way, we are actually usurping God’s rightful role as the sovereign arbiter. The Bible says:
• “Do not steal.
• “Do not lie.
• “Do not deceive one another….
• “Do not defraud or rob your neighbor.” (Leviticus 19:11–13 NIV)
God’s commands to be honest come out of his nature, and his nature is true and right. Scripture says that “even if everyone else is a liar, God is true” (Romans 3:4). By his very nature he is a God of integrity, and because of this “it is impossible for God to lie” (Hebrews 6:18). He is sovereign; he is the one who defines what is right and what is wrong regarding honesty and every other moral action. When we make our moral decision in light of the character of God, our choice becomes crystal clear—in this example, we are to commit to being honest even when we are wronged by a dishonest business.
3. Commit to God’s Way.
Committing to God’s way is easier said than done. It means we have to admit we are not the ruler over our lives—he is. As we said before, the concept behind cultural tolerance is that you have the right to decide what is “right for you.” People find that highly appealing because it puts them in charge. It permits them to justify their attitudes and actions and disregard how they compare with God’s character. Granting ourselves the capacity to decide our own morality makes us feel independent and empowering. And that temptation is not easy to resist.
“Chad, you may feel that justice was served when you took that camera from the store,” Todd continued. “But it’s never just to go against God’s standard of honesty. Taking what you feel is rightfully yours while the store isn’t looking would be deceitful, which is as wrong as stealing. You would, in effect, be setting yourself up as judge, jury, and executioner. But God says that is his role: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay’ (Deuteronomy 32:35 NIV). He tells us to ‘not seek revenge or bear a grudge’” (Leviticus 19:18).
“But, Dad, it’s still not fair,” Chad protested.
“You’re right; it’s not fair,” Todd agreed. “But there are things in life that are not fair that we must leave in God’s hands. Jesus, for example, was certainly treated unfairly, yet the Bible says, ‘He did not retaliate when he was insulted, nor threaten revenge when he suffered. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly’” (1 Peter 2:23).
“And,” Laura added, “you can count on it—God will honor you for doing the right thing and leaving it up to him to deal with the electronics store.”
4. Count on God’s Protection and Provision.
When we humbly admit God’s sovereignty and lovingly seek to please him, not only can we begin to see clearly the distinctions between right and wrong, but we can also begin to count on his protection and provision.
This doesn’t mean that everything will be rosy; in fact, God says bluntly that we may suffer for righteousness’ sake. But even such suffering has rewards. Living according to his way brings many spiritual blessings, like freedom from guilt, a clear conscience, and knowing our actions please him.
We can also enjoy many physical, emotional, psychological, and relational benefits when we commit to God’s ways. Of course, his protection and provision should not be the primary motivation for obeying him; we should obey him simply because we love him and trust him. But the practical and spiritual benefits of obedience certainly provide powerful encouragement for choosing right and rejecting wrong.
Todd and Laura had the opportunity to help Chad realize that adhering to God’s standard of honesty would bring protection and provision to him on at least four levels. Aligning ourselves with God’s standard of honesty provides the following benefits:
• protects us from guilt and provides a clear conscience and an uninterrupted relationship with God
• protects us from shame and provides a sense of accomplishment
• protects us from the cycle of deceit and provides a reputation of integrity
• protects us from ruined relationships and provides trusting relationships
The secret to making right choices in life is having the deep conviction that God always has your best interest at heart. Instill within your children that he is a good God who loves them beyond their comprehension. And when they believe that with their whole heart, they can obey his commands to be honest, live sexually pure, love and respect others, show mercy, forgive, exhibit self-control, and so on. Being obedient isn’t simply a matter of adhering to obligation and duty—it comes from a “God who is jealous about his relationship with [them]” (Exodus 34:14). Embrace that truth in your own life—and instill it in the life of your children.2
And realize that while loving God’s laws gives us a desire to obey, being united to Christ is what gives us the power to do so. Paul explains:
For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.
Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace. (Romans 6:5–14 ESV)
In Romans 8:1–17, Paul explains that the same Spirit who gave Christ life gives us life as well. It is the Spirit who gives us hope and power for living in a way that honors God. The Spirit allows us to “put to death the deeds of the body” (v.14). If we are united with Christ, the Spirit lives within us. We have died to sin and have been raised up with Christ in the power of the Spirit, and we are being conformed to the image of the Creator. We can rest in the security that Christ’s righteousness has covered our sins and that we have grace. We need to remember these realities and live in accordance with them. When your child knows that, he or she is freed to obey without fear and anxiety.
The doctrine of cultural tolerance has permeated our society. It will take a very intentional and concerted effort on your part to counter its influence. Hopefully you can look to your church pastor and youth worker for excellent support. However, even the church has been negatively affected by cultural tolerance. How that has happened in many churches, possibly your own, and what you can do about it is the topic of the next chapter.