Chapter Eleven

The good news came as a complete surprise, and that Thursday it gave Elizabeth reason to throw a dinner party.

All week she’d felt stronger, more willing to face the mornings. For the first time since Hayley’s accident, she had enough energy to get through the day, and that had to be a good sign. She’d started to worry that maybe her lack of energy didn’t have anything to do with her granddaughter’s accident. Maybe there was something wrong with her, too.

But after getting the call from Erin two days earlier, after getting excited about the dinner party, she dismissed the idea that she might be sick. Her tiredness had nothing to do with her health. She was merely staggering under the reality of Hayley’s situation.

“Ashley?” Elizabeth craned her neck toward the stairway and waited for an answer from her middle daughter. Cole was out back playing, and Ashley was working at the easel in the upstairs guest room.

“Yeah, Mom?”

“Could you help me with the salad, please?” Elizabeth didn’t need the help so much as she needed the company. She treasured the moments with her family more since Hayley’s drowning, if that was possible. Every day was golden, and no one knew when things might change. Life had at least taught her that much.

“Sure.” She heard Ashley climb down off her stool. “Be right there.”

Elizabeth opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bag of fresh vegetables. A head of lettuce, two green peppers, an onion, and a tomato. She set them on the counter and checked on the chicken covered in the refrigerator and marinating in her special sweet-and-sour sauce. Time to start cooking; her family would arrive in less than an hour. She lifted the casserole dish into the oven, adjusted the dial, and heard the heating element click on.

Then she leaned against the counter and watched Ashley come off the stairs into the kitchen. “Let me wash up first.”

Elizabeth studied her. Something wasn’t right with her, something in her eyes. “You okay, honey?”

Her answer was quick. “Fine.”

“Do you have an appointment yet?”

“No . . .” Ashley smiled and locked eyes with her for a few seconds. “It’s okay, Mom. Years could’ve gone by before I found out about the blood test. There’s no need to rush into treatment. Besides, I’m not ready to be a full-time patient yet. I feel too good still.”

“But it could help.”

“Mom . . .” Ashley lifted her eyes from the running water where she was washing her hands. “Can we talk about something else?”

Elizabeth winced, cut by her daughter’s question. She’d always prided herself in not pushing her kids, not nagging them. Setting an example, teaching them the ways of God, and then letting them make their own decisions. But now . . . now nothing seemed certain. She rolled up her sleeves and pulled two knives from the drawer—one for Ashley, one for herself.

After a few minutes of silent chopping, Elizabeth froze over a piece of green pepper and looked at Ashley. “Sorry. I don’t mean to push.”

Ashley leaned closer and kissed her on the cheek. “I know. We’re all feeling it these days.”

“I guess.” Elizabeth pushed the knife through the pepper again. “It’s just . . . I don’t think I can handle anything else happening, you know?”

A distant look flashed in Ashley’s eyes and she nodded. “I know.”

Elizabeth drew a deep breath through her nose. “That’s why I’m glad about tonight.” She gave Ashley a quick smile. “There’s a reason why we called everyone together for dinner.”

“A reason?” Ashley stopped and stared at her. “You mean an announcement or something?”

“Yes.” Elizabeth gave her a teasing look. “And you’ll have to wait like everyone else.”

Ashley hesitated, as if she might beg for details. Then she seemed to change her mind as she went back to chopping. “Good. We could all use a little happy news.”

After that they worked in silence, and Elizabeth thought about the gathering tonight, the people who were coming. The list was shorter these days, and that was something else that troubled her. Ryan and Kari and Jessie would be there, and Ashley and Cole. Brooke would come with Maddie, as long as things were stable for Hayley. But Peter had declined, and earlier today Elizabeth had shared with John her fears about their daughter’s marriage.

“Things are bad between them.” They’d been on the patio off their bedroom, sharing coffee and a morning Bible reading. “Peter’s worried about Hayley, obviously. But something else.”

John had gazed into his coffee cup. “One of the pharmacists told me Peter’s been picking up more painkillers than usual. Says they’re for his patients, but some of the patients have names the pharmacist hasn’t heard of.”

The river of fear and worry in Elizabeth’s soul was already at flood levels. She stared at John and set her cup down. “You think . . . you think he could be using them? for himself?”

“It’s possible. I can’t figure why else he hasn’t been around.”

“He and Brooke weren’t doing well before . . . before the accident.” Elizabeth folded her hands tight against each other. Her fingers were cold, the way they always were lately. “Maybe that’s why.”

“Maybe.”

The memory of that earlier conversation faded, and Elizabeth scooped the green-pepper pieces into the salad bowl. Either way, Peter wouldn’t be here tonight, and Elizabeth was beginning to wonder. If Hayley was ever well enough to go home, would she have a family to go back to?

Poor Hayley . . . lying there in that bed, trapped in a body that no longer remembered how to be a little girl. Sometimes at night Elizabeth could do nothing more than go to bed early and cry herself to sleep, remembering the happy sprite Hayley had been before the accident, the way she’d looked all decked out like an angel at Kari and Ryan’s wedding.

No, it would be a long time before Hayley would join them for dinner. Maybe never. And Hayley wasn’t the only one missing, of course.

Erin and Sam were gone, making their new life far away from Bloomington. They were doing well in Texas from everything Erin had told her. The teaching job was perfect, and Sam was making strong inroads with his company’s management team. They’d stay in Texas indefinitely, no doubt. Or at least until Sam was ready to work for another firm.

Then there was Luke . . .

She’d always known he would leave home one day, but it all happened so fast. His rebellion after September 11, the way he kept his distance while God chased him down, and then as soon as their son was back in their lives, he was gone again. Off to New York, where he and Reagan and Tommy would maybe find time once a year for a visit back to Indiana.

A single tear slid down Elizabeth’s cheek, and she wiped it with the back of her hand.

“Mom?” Ashley set her knife down and looked at her. “You okay?”

“Yes.” Elizabeth sniffed and reached for a tissue from the box beside the sink. “I’m sorry. I promised myself I’d be happy today.”

“It’s okay.” She put her arm around Elizabeth’s shoulder. “You don’t have to be happy all the time, Mom. You’ve spent a lifetime being happy for us, celebrating with us, making sure we had happy times together. This—” she shrugged and tossed her free hand in the air—“this is one of those sad seasons, that’s all.”

“Yes.” Elizabeth crumpled the tissue in her fist and gritted her teeth for a moment. “But it’s against my beliefs to be like this.”

“Against your beliefs?” Ashley raised her eyebrows, her face a mask of sorrow and amusement. “Meaning what?”

“Meaning depression, sadness.” She waved her hand in the space above her head, as if she was searching for the right words. “I’ve always believed Scripture when it says ‘rejoice always.’ No matter what the circumstances.”

“Yes.” Ashley reached out and wiped at another tear on her mother’s cheek. “But it also says that Jesus wept.” She cocked her head, her eyes sympathetic. “Oh, Mom, don’t you see? The joy we have in Christ is always there. But sometimes it’s a season of sorrow, and that’s okay, too. Otherwise Jesus wouldn’t have cried.”

Elizabeth took another tissue and blew her nose. “I guess I never thought of it that way.”

“Well, it’s true.” Ashley picked up her pile of vegetable  pieces and tossed them into the bowl with the green peppers. “And if the sadness doesn’t go away, talk to your doctor. Sometimes we need medicine to help us feel like ourselves again.” She raised her eyebrows. “And that shouldn’t be against your beliefs either.”

“Listen to you.” Elizabeth made a sound that was more laugh than cry. “Miss I-Don’t-Want-to-See-a-Doctor giving me medical advice.”

“Someone has to.”

The mood lightened and by the time they set the table, the others began arriving. Kari and Ryan took turns holding Jessie, their moods lighter than they’d been in weeks. Ryan’s football team had a winning record and hopes for the postseason were high.

“Ryan’s brilliant.” Kari hoisted Jessie onto her hip and gave her a sippy cup of juice. “The Giants don’t know what they’re missing.”

“My guys are talented, that’s all.”

Kari waved her finger at him and smiled at Elizabeth. John and Ashley were listening, too, all of them working in the kitchen. “Don’t listen to a word. He’s brilliant, I tell you. Perfectly brilliant.”

Elizabeth laughed, and the feel of it was wonderful. Like having her first drink of water after a year in the desert. “We’ve seen the games, Ryan. Kari’s right.”

“Not that Elizabeth would know.” John leaned close and gave her a quick kiss. “Last Friday she asked me why some players ran backward after the ball was snapped.”

“Hmmm.” Ryan chuckled. “Can’t really trust that opinion now, can I?”

“Cole and I are coming to the game tomorrow night.” Ashley grinned. “After we do our trick-or-treating. Cole wants to wear his firefighter uniform.”

“That’s good, because we play the crosstown rivals.” He raised one eyebrow as he carried a stack of napkins to the table. “Things could get pretty heated.”

“Cole will be ready.” Ashley raised her voice so Cole could hear her in the next room. “You already put out one fire today, right, Cole?”

“Right, Mommy!” Cole jumped up and down and assumed his firefighting position, pretend hose raised high in the air.

Elizabeth looked from Cole back to Ashley. “He did what?” She pulled the chicken from the oven and carried it to the hot pads on the counter.

“We were at Sunset Hills.” Ashley made a face. “Pretend fires break out all the time over there.”

They all laughed and moved to the table.

A few minutes later, Brooke and Maddie arrived with news that Hayley was doing better, responding to the latest seizure medicine. Conversation shifted from football and firefighting to Thanksgiving and Luke’s approaching wedding in New York City.

“That reminds me . . .” Elizabeth set her fork down and waited until she had everyone’s attention. “I picked up a block of Lion King tickets for Sunday before the wedding.” She looked at the faces around her and realized how long it had been since they’d had a normal night like this one. “Will everyone be there by then?”

“I’m not coming until Tuesday.” Brooke’s smile was tinged with sorrow. “If Hayley’s well enough to go, that is. If not, I’ll stay behind with her.”

“Okay.” Reality tugged at Elizabeth like a giant deadly tentacle, but she pulled away, refusing to let it drag her down. She looked at the others. “How ’bout the rest of you?”

Cole clapped his hands. “I love Lion King, Gramma. Take me . . . take me!”

“Me, too . . .” Maddie stood up at her seat. “Simba’s my friend, Gramma.”

More laughter. Ashley offered to take Maddie with her to New York on Saturday before the wedding, so the child could sit with Cole at the play. When the discussion was over, everyone but Brooke had agreed to come.

Elizabeth reminded them of the itinerary for the rest of the week of the wedding. Sightseeing and The Lion King on Sunday, Niagara Falls on Monday, shopping on Tuesday, and the wedding rehearsal Tuesday night. The wedding on Wednesday, Christmas Eve, and then Christmas Day at Reagan’s mother’s apartment, complete with stockings and toys for the children. After that they would be on their own until most of them flew home again the following Saturday.

They were just about finished eating, the plans for Luke’s wedding and Christmas in Manhattan more clearly defined. Elizabeth began clearing plates, going on about how good it was to be together and how wonderful it felt to look forward to all that lay ahead.

She was about to thank everyone for coming when John nudged her. He leaned close and whispered in her ear, “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

For a moment, she only stared at him. Then, with a quick gasp, she remembered. The good news! The reason she and John had invited them for dinner in the first place. She gave John the nod. “You do it.”

“Your mother and I have a little secret to share with you.” John stood up and took the cordless phone from the kitchen counter. He looked at Elizabeth. “Is this a good time?”

Curiosity filled the faces of the others around the table, and Ryan whispered something to Kari. She shook her head and looked back at John, waiting with the others for whatever John was about to do.

Elizabeth couldn’t contain her smile. She checked the clock on the wall near the stove and nodded. It would be six o’clock in Texas; Erin was expecting their call anytime after five. Moments like this were hallmarks in the Baxter family, times when good news was savored and shared in a single, celebratory moment. She nodded at John. “Go ahead and call.”

John punched in a series of numbers, then clicked a button on the phone so that the ringing on the other end filled the space above the dinner table.

“Hello?” Speakerphones always made the voices sound tinny, but even so, Elizabeth could see the others recognize Erin’s voice.

“Hi, Erin. It’s me, Dad. I’m at the table with everyone . . .”

A chorus of greetings came from Kari and Ryan, Brooke and Ashley. Even the children chimed in with high-pitched hellos.

“Hey, everyone . . . wish we were there.” As happy as Erin sounded, a faint tinge of homesickness hung in her voice. “Did Mom and Dad tell you our news?”

The others sat up a bit straighter around the table as John answered the question. “No, honey. Why don’t you tell them yourself?”

Erin made a light, laughing sound. “Okay.” She paused for a moment. “Sam and I are going to adopt. We’ve found a baby and started the process. The baby is due in six months.” She gave a short squeal. “Isn’t that awesome?”

The news was met with hoots of joy and the sound of Brooke and Ashley and Kari all talking at the same time.

“I’m so happy for you, Erin.” Kari put her arm around Ryan and leaned close to him. “I knew God wanted you to adopt.”

“Yeah, little sister.” Brooke clapped her hands. The sadness that had darkened her eyes since Hayley’s accident remained. But at least she was smiling. “You’ll love every minute of being a mom.”

“That’s for sure.” Ashley pulled Cole close and kissed his forehead. “Way to go, Erin! How’d you find the baby?”

“That’s the miracle part.” Erin’s voice was trembling as she told the story. “Sam was meeting with the pastor once a week, just to be connected, and he mentioned we were thinking of adopting.

“The pastor got this strange look on his face and asked Sam how soon.” Erin paused long enough to catch her breath. “Sam told him very soon, actually. And then the pastor said that he’d just met with a woman the day before whose daughter was going to have her third child out of wedlock. Each of the kids was being raised by a separate family member, and the woman’s daughter had no interest in being a mother. This time the daughter wanted to give the baby up to a Christian family, through a private adoption, if possible.”

Elizabeth felt the hair on her arms rise, the same way it had the first time she heard the story.

“A few days later we met the birth mother and signed the initial paperwork. She’s absolutely sure about the adoption, and she showed us pictures of her other children.” Erin’s voice was pinched with emotion. “They’re beautiful. I wish you could see them.” She grabbed a few quick breaths. “Now all we have to do is wait.”

“God is so good, isn’t he?” John spoke the words toward the telephone, but he met the eyes of everyone in the room, even the children.

Again, Elizabeth felt a fullness in her heart, a knowing that someday soon the black cloud she’d been living under would lift. She had never understood why God hadn’t granted Erin and Sam children. Back before the move, she’d wondered if it was because their marriage wasn’t as stable as it should be. But now . . . now the answers seemed as clear as water. God wanted them to parent a child who otherwise might not have had a chance in the world.

Erin’s sisters made another round of congratulations, with promises to call her separately and talk about the impending adoption in more detail. Erin asked about Hayley, and Brooke sounded upbeat.

“She’s responding to the antiseizure medication, which is a big step. And the more time I spend massaging her muscles, the less stiff she is.”

“That’s good.” Sadness rang in Erin’s voice, even though Elizabeth knew she was trying to hide it. “We’re praying for her every day, for nothing less than a miracle.”

“Thanks, Erin. That means a lot.”

“Is Peter there? Tell him Sam’s going to call him later this week.”

The question was innocent enough, an assumption really. If Brooke was there, of course Peter was there. And Elizabeth realized she hadn’t been honest with Erin about the situation between Brooke and her husband.

“Uh . . .” Brooke looked around the table and a hush fell over the room.

“What’s the matter, Mommy?” Maddie stood up and wrapped her arms around Brooke’s neck. “Why’s everyone quiet?”

“It’s okay, baby . . .” Brooke took Maddie’s fingers and held them against her cheek, as if she was trying to quench the sadness that was suddenly building within her.

“Brooke, are you there?” Erin sounded confused. “What’s wrong?”

John clicked the button and took the call off the speakerphone. “Erin, honey, Peter’s not here. Things haven’t been the same with him for . . .” John walked out of the room, his voice hushed as he went.

Brooke ran her hand over Maddie’s back and looked from Ashley and Kari to Elizabeth. “I think we need to get going.”

“Brooke . . .” Elizabeth moved around the table toward her oldest daughter.

No words were necessary. Led by Elizabeth, the group formed a circle around Brooke and hugged her, as if the combined love from all of them together might somehow fill the hole in Brooke’s heart.

Ryan’s voice, strong and steady, lifted from the midst of them. “Father, we have no answers, nowhere to turn but to you. Our hearts ache at the thought of Peter trying to walk through this maze of pain by himself, without Brooke, maybe even without you.” He hesitated. “Whatever it takes, Lord, bring him back. Let him see that Hayley needs him; Brooke needs him. And please, Jesus, breathe new life into our little Hayley. You saved her, now please . . . we beg you, make her whole again.”

The moment ended, and in quiet, hushed tones Brooke, Ashley, and Kari gathered their children and headed off into the night. John was still on the phone with Erin in the next room, so Elizabeth was alone again, by herself and back at the shores of a sorrow that still swelled in her soul.

It was a moment when she wanted to trudge slowly to her bedroom, peel off her clothes, and slip into her nightgown, despite the fact that it wasn’t close to bedtime. A moment when she wanted nothing more than to grieve the tragedy of Hayley’s accident, the gravity of the situation between Brooke and Peter.

But instead she remembered what Ashley had said. They were supposed to be joyful. “Rejoice always”; that’s what the Bible said. But it also said that Jesus wept. And the thought of that was suddenly more comforting than anything Elizabeth had known since Hayley’s accident. Jesus wept. Even amidst perfect joy, he cried tears of pain. Certainly when he looked down from heaven at Hayley, he cried even now.

And that meant that none of them were really alone. Because Christ was with them in every moment, every season of life.

Even in this, their season of sorrow.

John had just hung up the phone from talking to Erin when he heard Ryan begin to pray in the next room. His first instinct was to hurry back into the dining room and join them. But then he heard the prayer move toward Hayley’s situation and how badly all of them wanted a miracle for her.

That’s when he knew he couldn’t be there.

Because though he wanted desperately to believe it was possible, he had been a doctor too long to believe in a miracle this time. Hayley was brain damaged, brain injured. He’d gone over the tests a number of times. When a child went without oxygen as long as Hayley had, the situation was no longer gray. Odds didn’t exist for healing in a drowning as serious as this one.

The results were the same 100 percent of the time. Children with Hayley’s type of brain damage didn’t get better. Not ever.

No happy ending awaited his darling granddaughter somewhere down the road. No, she would be fed by a tube, dressed in a diaper, drooling over herself for the rest of her days. Eight years, ten at best, and then death would come. Hayley’s body would atrophy, taking the brain’s lead in finally accepting an inability to continue.

Ten years of heartache before Hayley would be free of the prison her mind and body had become, free to run and play in the fields of heaven.

John hung his head and felt his body bend beneath the pressure. The prayer he’d uttered that first night came back to him, and he thought again of the ramifications. While everyone else had prayed for Hayley’s next breath, John had prayed for God to take her home.

He had known the score, known the type of life she would face, and so he’d asked God to give her freedom instead. But the guilt from that prayer ate at him still, nibbling at his soul and robbing him of even a moment’s peace since then.

The worst part was a fear he hadn’t shared with anyone, not even Pastor Mark. Maybe Hayley had lived as a way of punishing him for his lack of faith. He hadn’t thought God capable of making good out of her life, and so he’d asked the Lord for her death. Instead, Hayley lay hooked to tubes and monitors, unable to see or speak or connect with any of them.

“Is that what you’re doing, God?” His voice was a tormented whisper. “Are you punishing me by letting her lie there that way? by letting her live?”

Even now John wanted nothing more than to believe like the rest of them, believe that somehow a miracle was possible, and Hayley’s brain could heal itself, bring her back to a place where she was Hayley again. But it simply wasn’t possible. Hayley’s kind of brain damage went beyond traumatic injury, beyond anything the medical profession had ever seen healed.

“I want to believe, God . . .” John sat on the edge of the sofa in the den and gripped his knees. He knew the Scriptures, knew the times when Jesus promised that nothing was impossible with God or that the Lord was able to do immeasurably more than all they could ever ask or imagine.

But healing Hayley’s brain?

A hundred answered prayers came rushing to John’s mind. Elizabeth’s recovery from cancer all those years ago . . . Luke’s return to the family . . . the renewed faith for Brooke and Ashley . . .

“Yes, God, you’re able . . . I know you’re able.” John clenched his jaw, willing himself to get past the hurdle of unbelief. “Increase my faith, Lord. Please.”

Sweat beaded on his forehead. He’d never prayed with such fervor in all his life. Because as much as he was convinced that Hayley had lived as a means of punishing him, he was also convinced that his unbelief could keep her from getting well. No, he had nothing if he didn’t have his faith, and that was the biggest problem of all. As hard as he was trying and as awful as he felt about it, John couldn’t muster the faith to believe God could heal his Hayley. Not this time.

Not when conventional medicine told him her recovery was completely and totally impossible.