I CAN’T BELIEVE her. I’m trying to save my marriage and she wants me to go on a date or go to a strip club? I’m thrilled to see her show some emotion other than indifference or something fake. I want to go over there, throw her over my shoulder, and drag her home, kicking and screaming if need be. I’ve had enough of standing by and giving her whatever she wants. I will not stop writing the letters just because she asked. Those are for me just as much as they are for her.
I’m going to do what’s best for me and that is to win her back.
Gemma and Sam are excited to be here and spend time with me, but no matter how much attention I give them, it won’t get the conversation with Heidi to stop repeating over and over again in my head.
Spencer throws the ball to Colby as the runner attempts to reach third base. He catches it a few seconds too late. There’s now someone on first and third. There is only one out. Felix is able to get us another one with the next batter. The next player sends the ball skipping along the ground, allowing a guy to run home, but then, we get our third out at second, thanks to Trent.
We’re down by two runs, and everyone seems extremely focused today. It’s a little weird though. Tanner and Hector, probably the most talkative guys on the team, are quieter than usual. We should probably mark it down on the calendar because this is a rare occasion.
My muscles feel tense, and I wish I had taken more time before the game to stretch more. I’m hoping for a win, but will settle for a good matchup at the very least since Gemma and Sam are here. No one likes boring games. So far, we’re doing well, considering the score is close right now.
The boys seem to regain their usual rowdiness when Tanner hits one into the outfield. Trent is up next, and a grin breaks out on his face when he hits a homerun, bringing Tanner in and allowing us to regain the lead.
The rest of the innings are pretty crisp and we come away with the W, and my mood lifts just in time for dinner with Gemma and Sam. God, I’m going to hate to lose them.
It’s been awesome having Heidi’s parents here with me. Especially on a day like today. The anger I felt when Heidi called me has been simmering ever since. I’m tired of her being so stubborn and not seeing as clearly as I do that she still loves me. That phone call with her has definitely made me realize I have a lot of anger inside me.
Today, though, is about relaxing, and I’m going to try my best to do that. Sam and I are going to work on the car. The garage door is open to let a breeze hopefully blow in here, but if not, we have a few fans going in an attempt to keep it cool.
Sam tilts his head as he stares at the car. “Have you been working on it without me, Jordan?”
I shrug. “It’s lonely and quiet in the house.” When I do come out here and work on it without him, I try to do small tasks. The radio is always blasting to cover the silence that haunts me inside.
He nods in understanding. When we work together, an oldies station is playing in the background. We work in silence for a while. That stupid conversation with Heidi plays in my head again, building and nursing my fury. She’s so selfish. She wants what she wants, everyone else be damned. On top of that, I can’t wrap my head around how she has simply given up on us. How could she do that?
I move to stand upright and hit my head on the hood of the car. “God damn it!” I curse.
“Now what did God ever do to you?” Sam asks calmly in that deep voice of his.
I ignore his comment, rub my head, and lean against the wooden counter. Sam is the closest thing to an actual dad I have. I mean, I have a dad, but we aren’t close. He never really gave advice, told me to suck it up, or taught me how to fix up old cars.
“I wish I could give up on her,” I confess, hating to mutter the words out loud.
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do. It would be easier than this. I’m going to lose her either way, but I just can’t give up, and I wish I could.”
He doesn’t even bother looking at me, which is fine. I prefer it that way. “You will lose her with that attitude.” I shake my head at him, but since he isn’t looking, he continues, “Do you really think you’ll lose her?”
“Yeah, it feels like I’m fighting a lost cause.” I push off the counter and duck under the hood to get back to work, needing to do something with my hands. “She called and cussed me out because I left her a letter. She said she’s changed and she has. I don’t know if appealing to the Heidi I knew is going to work. She’s your kid. Make her come home.”
Sam laughs heartily and I smile. “If it were only that simple.” He takes a deep breath and sobers. “Losing Eden changed her, and until she’s forced to deal with that, the battle is going to be that much harder. We’ve told her we think she’s making a mistake, and that’s about all we can do. Well, Gemma will probably let her hear it more than she wants to.”
“Do you think I’ll lose her?” I ask after a minute.
He’s quiet for far longer than I’d like. “Honestly, I don’t know, Jordan. I don’t quite recognize my daughter either. She’s in there somewhere, but it’s down deep.”
Well, there goes all my hope. Not that I won’t still try like hell, but I think I need to be prepared for what could very well happen. Quietly, I say, “I’ll miss y’all.”
Sam stands upright, but I keep working. “What are you talking about? We ain’t going anywhere.”
I shake my head. “If this happens,” I begin, not able to bring myself to say the word, “I’ll lose y’all too.”
“Jordan,” he starts, but I cut him off.
“I can’t do it, Sam,” I snap. No way will I be able to survive being around her parents if this divorce happens. It’ll hurt too much. “You’re all fucking delusional if y’all think I’ll survive it and come out of it okay. Heidi wants me to move on and start dating, and I can’t even leave my ring at home,” I continue to rant. “What does she think I’ve being doing all this time? That I’ve been happy without her?
“She lost Eden and she doesn’t even realize that I not only lost my daughter, I lost my wife, too. Now she wants me to just forget about our life together and end it, and what I want doesn’t fucking matter.”
Sam doesn’t comment on my outburst, so I glance over at him. “Has Heidi ever seen you angry with her?”
Confused, I stand and wipe my hands on a rag. “What? Of course she has. We’ve had arguments.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t think so. Not like this anyway. Your ‘arguments,’” I swear he does air quotes, “were more like discussions that got a little heated. You’ve never had major disagreements where you completely opposed what she wanted. And if there was one, she could always talk you into her corner or get a compromise close enough to it because you love her and would do it for her. I think you need to show her you’re pissed off.” He shrugs. “At the very least, it’ll change the pace of things.”
I laugh. “Because our divorce is boring you, I’ll try to spice things up to make it more entertaining,” I tell him sarcastically. “Now here,” I hand him the tool I’m holding. “You’re slacking, and I’m tired of doing all the work.”
He takes it and we get back to tinkering with the car. Gemma brings us a glass of water a few times before she goes to see Heidi. It feels nice and normal to work on a car with Sam again.
“How long are y’all staying?” I ask as we finish up.
“We just got here, and you’re already thinking of when we’re leaving?”
“I’m curious is all.”
Sam takes a deep breath as we walk into the house. “Gemma said we’re not leaving until you two are back together, but who knows? Best I can say is you should plan on having us around for a while.”
“When are you going to chip in on groceries then?” I ask with a grin.
He slaps me up the backside of my head. “When we start making as much money as you do.”
I laugh and leave him behind as I go take a shower to wash all the grime off. Gemma and Sam can stay as long as they want. I’m not going to hurry them away, especially when my time with them could be limited. Maybe Sam is right and I should get all my anger out by writing it down. I just need to be careful not to say something I’ll regret.
***