Introduction

As a father to young adult children, as well as a lifestyle and relationship coach, I’ve thought for years about creating a guidebook to help those most vulnerable within our community, mainly the young man of color who might not have the advantage of consistent, loving guidance in his life. My Brother’s Shot is a book geared towards bringing awareness to the challenges faced by African American men, as well as other men of color in our country. These challenges are found within all rooms: the board room, classroom, courtroom, and bedroom. There’s a destructive breakdown in society where the role of the black man has been, and continues to be, diminished. The word “man” has become a noun only, the adjective “man” is a mischaracterization of a chauvinistic pig that only wants women barefoot and pregnant, cooking in the kitchen for the ones who stick around. Our men often are seen as sagging pants, drug-dealing criminals. Does this sound familiar? I’m referring to that brother who is ready to abandon his family in pursuit of that rap career?

The rap career that takes him to late-night hangouts, drinking and smoking, but since it’s at a studio it’s considered work. The brothers claim they’re boss, because they sell drugs and belittle the men that wake up at 6 a.m. to go to work. Not realizing that the work money soon could be much-needed bail money. You know those brothers who make fun of the friend that went to college calling him “Hey Joe College” not understanding that in the years to come they’ll want that same person to be their son’s Godfather, as well as the guy to whom they turn when their pockets are low in cash. Somehow, we need to dispel the belief that we don’t need education to be successful. Asking instead, what kind of education does one need in order to be successful? Education comes in many different forms and places: the classroom, traveling, life experiences. There are millions of people who went to some of the top law, medical, or engineering schools. There are even more who attended the School of Hard Knocks. Whether it’s an advanced degree or a fourth grade education, what separates one by the age of 40 is one’s drive, passion, and will to succeed. By finding one’s passion and developing the drive, anyone can succeed at any task. So, contemplate: what’s your passion and what would you do if money wasn’t an issue?

Then the drive: what are you willing to do better and what are you willing to give up in order to obtain your goals? The ultimate question is how much are you able to commit to working? Work on your targeted obsessive goal. Allow it to consume you until your dream consumes others.

Today, the hard part is that the ones who are supposed to be there to protect and serve are disproportionately killing our men of color. As much as their deeds are wicked and it shows us who they are, we need to understand who we are. If one of our own gets shot, we all get shot. If one’s knee is on our neck, that knee is on all our necks.

Only the names change. At the point of death, the causality goes out the window. Always pay attention to the ones who ask, what did he do. Those are the ones who will try to justify the killing, the murder. Those are the ones who are building a case to defend the killer. By ignoring it or simply walking away from it, it will leave more of an impression than an actual conversation. The conversation will not go well since it would be arguing from a place of emotion, whereas this group has had years to practice its defense.

We live in a society that is desperately seeking strong male role models, but far too often these men are rejected by the people who need them the most.

Culturally, the word father is being replaced as a norm by the term baby daddy. Industries, such as the mattress industry in particular have grown in every corner of society, yet now caters to the single-parent household, which has sadly replaced the dual-parent household. Developers are building apartment buildings more and more to accommodate the single, unattached I-don’t-need-to-commit-to-society type of resident.

We’ve become increasingly accepting of the lack of accountability and commitment, which sometimes comes from top leadership within our own Government. The most important words in America, along with the family unit, business relationships, friend relationships, all start with Love, Accountability, and Commitment (LAC). Love is an undetermined and consistently evolving word. The meaning changes from person to person, environment to environment, culture to culture, and man to woman. My focus starts with the love for one’s own, whoever that might be. How we show love is self-determining and truly that’s the inconsistency within our society, which at the root, at our core, is the beginning of the breakdown of our social construct. Controversially, there must be some consistencies in the way we show love to one another. It is paramount to observe and adopt loving behaviors, as well as to identify hateful and harmful behaviors. Usually, such concepts and behaviors are easy to find, yet difficult to fulfill, but why? Understand that love is a shared ideology to be shared among family, friends, and people one meets daily. The key phase is that love is meant to be shared. Since humans are selfish by nature, it is all the more difficult to show love for all. The belief that people can only love those who look like them, dress like them, eat the same food, and think as they do, is a thought process shared by closed-minded bigots and the beginning of shared racist ideals. Once the concept of one love, one blood is shared and agreed upon by all, the racial inequality will lessen.

The cause of the nuclear family breakdown is when we continue to build and accept the me first lifestyle. Knowing this, we will continue to see broken homes and broken families. You might ask how this happened when we love our family? One example is of the boys getting together to watch the big fight. The wife has a massive migraine headache and has retreated to her room while the kids play in their rooms unsupervised. At this point somehow you’ve convinced yourself that it’s ok to leave the most important people in your life, your wife and kids, while your wife suffers and is incapable of overseeing the safety of the kids.

Second, the money you’ll spend while out with the boys could pay for your children’s school lunch for a week. Then there are the officers flashing those lights in your rear-view mirror, ever hear of DWI. This scenario is a stretch, yet one can fill in the details. My point is that it’s hard to prioritize the importance of one’s actions whenever selfish desires take hold. To whom are we showing love when we take illegal drugs, and to whom are we showing hate? I’ve yet to receive a solid response to this question. If we believe that we’re consistently in a state of action or being. Is one’s behavior reflecting a state of being when one is patrolling the boundaries to love or hate?

My brothers, read this book as a one-sided advising tool to aid in the growth and development of young African Americans, as well as any male of color. Sure, anyone can read this book, however the relevant audience is not aimed at the privileged schoolgirl with a 97 percent high school average, deciding between Harvard and Yale, and going to her home where both parents are present. It can be embraced by the average fatherless white teenager who’s never been supported by stable adults. While reading, think about the mentor for that guy whom you’ve admired from afar? Picture him sitting you down and sharing these words of wisdom. Only by making it a real person, will they have the desired effect.

So, enjoy my personal life lessons, and those of my life-coaching clients as I address my people. This book isn’t meant to simply be read once, but more of a reference guide to help one become the best person possible, even if that person isn’t yet aware of how great they can become.

I thought it important to share that the title, My Brother’s Shot, is multifaceted, as you’ll see throughout the book. As you read, you’ll begin to understand why I chose My Brother’s Shot as the title of my book. Enjoy and have a happy, healthy life!