I WAS GOING TO CALL JUNO BACK, BUT I REALIZED THE person I really wanted to update was Adam, and so I texted him the latest.
He wrote back immediately: I was just about to text you. Thx for the update!
Me: Hopefully I’ll have another update soon.
Adam: I’m on standby
But the update didn’t come that night, just as Nicole had warned it probably wouldn’t. I must’ve fallen asleep, though I don’t remember doing so. (Is it even possible to remember falling asleep? If you’re awake enough to be aware that the act of falling asleep is happening, you probably wouldn’t be able to do it.) But I remember waking up in the morning and reaching for my phone first thing. There weren’t any messages from Nicole. But there was a good-morning text from Juno, who was two hours ahead of me, and there was an email from Dr. Lee.
It wasn’t the first time I’d seen Dr. Lee’s name in my inbox. During the school year, she often sent blasts out to the whole class, or if I emailed her a question about an assignment, she’d write back with the answer. But I’d never heard from her outside of school.
The subject line was: Thinking of you.
Dear Sloane,
As you know, I’m teaching a course at Hamline this summer. And also as you know, it is not ordinarily open to high school students. But I contacted the head of the program and explained that I had a very talented high school student in mind, and asked if an exception could be made. They said they trusted my judgment, which is to say the answer is yes.
Perhaps you are otherwise committed or no longer interested. I know a lot has changed in your life since we first discussed Hamline. Please understand that this email is not an attempt to pressure you in any way. But I wanted to pass along a couple more things.
First, in my experience, writing is the roadmap through the darkest times. When I force my characters to face hardship and craft ways for them to navigate their way out of it, I’m really figuring out how to navigate my way out of my own hardship. I wanted to give you a space in my classroom for that, should you want it.
And second, while I don’t presume to be the person you need at this difficult time, I wanted to let you know that I’m here nonetheless if you need someone to talk to, or someone to simply listen.
With love,
Mary Lee
I stared at the last couple lines for at least two full minutes. She’d used her first name. Above that there were the words with love.
Dr. Lee had written an email to me, “with love,” to tell me she’d gone out of her way to bend the rules to accommodate me. Any other time in my life I would’ve been absolutely giddy. Now it didn’t matter.
I closed the email, put my phone down, and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. But just knowing the email was there was making me feel twitchy. Dr. Lee had made a point to say she didn’t want to make me feel pressured, but I did feel pressure. As long as it was in my inbox, I felt like there was an obligation I was skipping out on. So I picked my phone up again and deleted the email. There. Now there was nothing left to respond to.