The return trip on the Aquatania seemed twice as long as the trip out, as Victoria and Charles sat side by side on deck chairs. He slept, she read, and she was intrigued to have met Andrea Hamilton on the ship, and they spent a lot of time discussing her latest theories on suffrage. Charles only wished that hearing about it still intrigued him. As it turned out, his wife appeared to be obsessed with women’s causes and issues. This was not a passing fancy for her, or a slightly eccentric topic of conversation, it was what she lived and breathed for. And although he’d known of her interest before, he had not realized how advanced the disease was. It was all she read about, talked about, cared about, or pursued. And Charles was finding her passion for it excruciatingly boring.
“We’re sitting at the captain’s table tonight,” he said sleepily, opening one eye, as she lay on the deck chair beside him. “I just thought I’d warn you.”
“That’s nice of him,” she said without much interest. “Want to go for a swim?” Sometimes he felt the difference in their ages. He was happy lying there, soaking up the sun, and Victoria liked to keep busy. But he was willing to oblige her.
Half an hour later, they went down to the pool, and Charles had to force himself not to think about her body. She wore a black bathing suit, and as she swam laps the length of the pool, he couldn’t help but admire her style and her long, lithe figure. He joined her then, and they swam side by side, and finally she stopped and smiled at him. She seemed to feel better.
“You’re quite a girl,” he said, admiringly. She had certainly run his legs off in the last two months, and challenged him in ways that were not always pleasant. Sometimes he wished he knew her better, at others he wished he’d never met her. And looking at her that way reminded him of her twin. And he wondered if now, after living with her for two months, he would find it easier to distinguish between them, or perhaps it would be harder. In some ways, he felt as though he had lost some of his sense of her in the past months. She had been none of the things he’d expected.
“Have you missed Olivia a lot?” he asked, as they dried off, and sat in chairs around the pool, watching the other swimmers.
“Terribly,” she said honestly, with a wistful look. “I never thought I could live without her. When I was a little girl, I thought that if I were taken away from her, it would kill me.” He didn’t tell her that that was how he had once felt about Susan.
“And now?” he asked, genuinely curious. There was so much about them that intrigued him, the kind of communication they seemed to have, almost without words, the instinct they had for each other.
“I know that I can do it,” she said. “But I don’t really want to. I wish she’d come to New York to live with us, but I know she won’t leave Father. And he doesn’t want her to. He keeps her there to take care of him. It’s not fair to her, but she doesn’t see that.” It was something Charles had thought too, and he had said as much to her sister, when Olivia brought Geoff the puppy.
“Perhaps we can talk her into it when we get home. Or long visits anyway. Geoff would love it.”
“Would you mind her living with us?” Victoria asked, surprised by what he’d just said, as he was by her candor about their father. He was a selfish old man, and he got away with it, because his daughters were willing to let him do it. But Olivia was paying the price for it, and it irked him to see her do it.
“No, I wouldn’t mind,” Charles answered her question. “She’s intelligent and polite, and incredibly kind, and she’s always very helpful,” he said thoughtfully, and then noticed the look on his wife’s face. The odd thing was that he still didn’t think of her that way, as his wife. Even after two months, they seemed like strangers.
“Maybe you should have married her,” Victoria said tartly.
“She wasn’t offered to me,” he shot back at her, still angry at times that there was so much they hadn’t told him. Victoria hadn’t had a broken romance, she’d had an affair with a married man, she’d been well used, and even pregnant. That wasn’t quite the same thing, although at this late date, he was willing to accept it.
“Maybe sometime we’ll switch for you,” Victoria snapped at him, but he didn’t seem to like the idea as he frowned at her.
’That’s not funny.” The idea that he might be duped by them had always made him uncomfortable, or that he would say something he shouldn’t to one or the other. In fact, he found it quite unnerving. “Shall we go back upstairs?” he asked finally, and she nodded. They always seemed to be arguing these days, even when they didn’t mean to.
They dressed separately for dinner, and emerged in full dress for the captain’s dinner. There was talk of nothing but the war in Europe that night, and Victoria found it fascinating, and had a great many radical, but interesting, opinions. Charles was proud as he listened to her. She was certainly very intelligent, it was only a shame that she wasn’t easier to get along with.
Eventually, they strolled back to their cabin. They had danced for a while, but neither of them was in the mood, and it was a beautiful night on the North Atlantic. Victoria lit a cigarette, and she stood next to him, looking out to sea, smoking in silence.
“Well,” he said, smiling at her ruefully. “Was it a good honeymoon, or not? Did you have fun?” At least that would have been something.
“To answer your questions, yes, at times, and I don’t know yet. Was it good, or not? What do you think?”
“I think it was interesting, but not easy.” And it was odd, coming home with war on their heels as they returned from Europe. “Maybe that’s the way life is at this point. Maybe you only get one shot at the brass ring. I’m not sure yet.” He was referring to Susan, and she knew it. She had Toby, who was certainly no dream, but she had loved him, madly. “Maybe it just takes time. ‘We will grow to love each other,’ as people say. It happens.” But both of them were doubtful.
“What now then? I become a housewife?”
“Do you have any other plans, Mrs. Dawson? Do you plan to become a doctor or a lawyer?”
“I think not. Politics.” She was already fascinated by the war in Europe. “I’d like to go back and study what’s happening over there, maybe get involved somehow. Make myself useful.”
“like what?” He looked horrified. “Drive an ambulance or something like that?”
“Maybe,” she said thoughtfully.
“Don’t you dare,” he said, and meant it. “Suffragist demonstrations are bad enough, thank you very much. No wars please.” But she wondered if he could stop her if she really wanted to go back to Europe. She knew Olivia would disapprove too so she certainly couldn’t discuss it with her, or her father. But she had been thinking about it seriously, ever since they sailed from Southampton. She felt as though she were missing something going back to the States. They were leaving all the excitement behind them. “What about Geoff? How does he fit into your activities? Will you make time for him?” She knew how important that was to him, and he looked worried.
“I’ll take care of him. Don’t worry.”
“Good.” He smiled at her, satisfied that she meant it, and then they strolled back to their stateroom. It was so warm they left two of their portholes open, but that night Charles didn’t touch her. He just didn’t have the energy or the courage.
And the next morning, at nine o’clock they had a life-boat drill. It was unusually serious, since war had been declared, and Victoria wondered briefly if it would upset him and remind him of Susan. But he seemed all right afterwards, and when they went back to their room for breakfast, he smiled at her, and then without saying anything he kissed her.
“What was that for?” she asked in surprise, and he grinned at her.
“Being married to me. We haven’t exactly been easy with each other. I’ll try and do better when we get home. Maybe getting back to normal life will do us both good. Maybe honeymoons are too much pressure.” He was referring cryptically to their unsuccessful sex life, and she nodded. But they tried it again that night, and although this time he entered her, and she made an effort for him, he knew that it had been no better for her than it had been before, and this time it worried him deeply. There had been a time in his life when sex was wonderful, Geoff had been born of that, and what he had now with Victoria left him feeling so lonely, and so empty. Afterwards when Victoria was asleep, he lay looking at her wondering if there was any hope for a real life between them. It remained to be seen when they got home, but he was no longer quite as optimistic.
When the ship passed the Statue of Liberty, Victoria and Charles were on deck, watching the sun come up, and it was the closest they had felt to each other in two months. They were both excited to be going home, she to see her twin, and he to see Geoff. Olivia had said they would meet them in New York. And as soon as the giant liner docked at ten o’clock, they began scouring the pier, and then Victoria let out a yell. She had seen them. They began waving frantically from the ship, and the next moment Olivia caught a glimpse of them, and she began crying as she jumped up and down, holding Geoff’s hand. Her father had come too, and they had even brought the puppy with them. He was almost fully grown now.
Victoria could hardly contain herself as she hurried down to them, and it was easy to see who her first love was as she threw herself into her sister’s arms, and the two girls spun around, holding each other, and laughing and crying. They were nothing more than a blur of legs and arms and smiles, and when they stopped and Charles looked at them, he realized that even after two months apart, they were still so much the same, that he could not tell them apart for a single instant. He remembered that Victoria had had on a red dress, but Olivia did too. It was the same one and they had done it without warning each other, and without plan. Olivia had simply worn it so they could see her. But Charles had to look for the ring on Victoria’s hand to make sure which twin was his wife. It was eerie.
“Well, some things don’t change, I guess” he said, laughing as the two girls spun around again, and hugged harder, as Olivia confessed she thought she would die without her twin sister.
“But Geoff took very good care of me,” Olivia said, looking down at him proudly. He was a wonderful child, and they had had a good summer together.
“How was the honeymoon?” the girls’ father asked, and Charles responded quickly.
“Marvelous. Except for the war in Europe, of course. We could have done without that at the end, but we got out very quickly.”
“It looks like a terrible mess over there,” Edward said, concerned, as the customs officials began going through their trunks. Their passports had already been checked on the ship that morning.
Olivia had opened the house on Fifth Avenue, and she and her father were going to stay there for a few days, to visit with the newlyweds, and in order for her father to catch up on business. But Geoff was torn about where he wanted to stay. He was aching to see his father again, but he hated to leave Olivia now. She was almost like a mother to him.
“She was so nice to me, Dad. We went riding every day, and swimming, and we had picnics. We went everywhere. She even bought me a horse,” Geoff explained to Charles as he helped him load their trunks into the Ford. Their father had brought both cars, for them and their baggage, and when they got to Charles’ house on the East Side, they could see Olivia’s capable hand there too. She had opened the house for them, organized their maid and told her what to do. The house had been aired, the linens were all fresh, there were flowers everywhere. It didn’t look like the same place. And there were small gifts for them, and some toys for Geoff waiting in his room, and a new bed for his puppy.
“Who did all this?” Charles looked stupefied as he looked around, but Victoria knew, and she wasn’t entirely sure she liked it. This was her home now, and it was up to her what she wanted to do. She didn’t want Olivia making her look bad, starting them off on the wrong foot, showing off all her domestic skills. Victoria had no intention of following in her footsteps.
“Olivia did, I’m sure,” Victoria said quietly.
“Well, do have her come and visit more often,” Charles said gratefully, with a playful look in his wife’s direction.
“I don’t do things this way, Charles. I do other things. We’re very different.”
“You wouldn’t know it to look at you,” he said jokingly. And when they went downstairs again, he illustrated the point without meaning to, by kissing his wife’s cheek respectfully and thanking her for all that she’d done for their homecoming. He had thought she was Olivia, and they all laughed, as Victoria chuckled.
The maid had made lemonade for them, as Olivia had asked her to, and the men sat in the living room and discussed the war, and Geoff went out to the garden with his puppy. Olivia went upstairs with her twin to help her unpack, and there Victoria finally relaxed, and sat down with a smile as she stared at her sister.
“I never thought I could do it … leave you like that … it was terrible.”
“I don’t believe you.” Olivia smiled, but it had been agony for her too. Every hour apart had seemed like a lifetime. “Did you have a wonderful time?” Olivia asked hesitantly. She didn’t want to intrude, but she needed to know that her sister was happy. Victoria looked at her for a long time before she answered, and when she spoke, Olivia was shocked by her answer.
She spoke very softly so no one else could hear her. “I’m not sure I can do this, Ollie. I don’t know. I’ll try for as long as I can … but we never should have done it. I think he knows it too, and he wants to make the best of it. But it’s so wrong … he’s still in love with her … and I can’t seem to forget Toby, neither the good, nor the bad of him. He constantly comes between us.”
“You can’t let a man like that ruin your marriage, Victoria.” Her sister looked horrified, as she sat down next to her and took her hands in her own. “You have to put him out of your mind completely.”
“And Susan? He’s still in love with her. And Ollie,” she looked sad but not heartbroken over what she was saying to her sister. “He’s not in love with me. He never was, he never will be. All that nonsense about people growing to love each other is just that. How do you come to love a stranger?”
“You’ll get used to each other. Give it time. And Geoffrey will help you.”
“He hates me. They both do.”
“Stop saying that.” Olivia was near tears as she listened to her. She had never expected this. She had had some vague feelings of malaise about her once or twice, but nothing like this. She’d had no idea that Victoria would come home and say anything like this to her. “Give it time. Promise me. You mustn’t do anything foolish.”
“I can’t even begin to imagine what I’d do,” Victoria said honestly, and Olivia thought she suddenly looked more grown-up and more womanly, but perhaps it was only an illusion. To the untrained observer, they looked no different. In fact, it almost seemed as though they looked more identical than ever.
“I’ve never felt so helpless,” Victoria went on. “Ollie, what shall I do?”
“Be a good wife to him, be patient, be kind to his son. At least try what you promised him you’d do on your wedding day.”
“To love, honor, and obey him? It sounds so undignified, doesn’t it? There’s something degrading about all that,” Victoria said irreverently and lit a cigarette. This was her home now.
“How can you say something like that?” Olivia looked shocked, and then she frowned at her. She was impossible, and even though she loved her, she could easily see how she would make a difficult wife. “Will Charles mind you smoking here?” Olivia asked with a look of concern, and her sister laughed at her.
“I hope not. I live here too now.” Although it didn’t feel that way yet. She was living in a strange house, among strangers. It was an odd homecoming for her, and all she wanted was to go home with her father and sister. But she knew without asking that Olivia wouldn’t have let her, and neither would their father. “Will you stay in New York for a few days?” she asked worriedly, and was relieved when Olivia nodded. “I don’t even know where to begin,” she said frantically, and Olivia smiled at her.
“I’ll come every day till you get settled.”
“And then what?” Victoria almost wrung her hands in anguish. Now that she had her sister to lean on again, she could let out all her feelings, and they were coming out now in a rush of terror. “What do I do after that? I don’t even know how to be a wife to him. What if I can’t do it?”
“You can, you’re just upset.” Olivia put her arm around her, and Victoria immediately felt the effect of it. It was like coming home to a mother, and she began to sob as she put her head on her sister’s shoulder.
“I can’t do this, Ollie … I know it … It was terrible in Europe …” All her sophistication and grown-up poise had suddenly vanished, and she felt like a child again in her sister’s arms, no older than Geoffrey.
“Shhh … you can do it,” Olivia said soothingly. “Be a good girl and calm down, and stop worrying. We’ll do it together.” Victoria blew her nose after that, and when they went downstairs again, neither man could tell which was which, and when their father spoke to Olivia finally and said it was time to go back to their house on Fifth Avenue, both girls answered and everyone laughed. It was hopeless.
“I’m going to make them wear signs when they’re in this house together,” Charles said good-naturedly, pleased to be home, and happy to see his son again. It seemed like the old days suddenly, with a woman in the house, and flowers everywhere. The only thing he didn’t fully understand was that the woman who had put the flowers there and made the house shine for him was not the woman he was getting.
As they left, Olivia kissed Victoria and promised to return early the next day to help her settle in, and she kissed Geoff and held him close to her.
“I’m going to miss you terribly,” she said softly to him. “Take good care of Chip and Henry.”
“Come back soon,” he said mournfully as they waved from the front step, and one by one the Dawsons went inside and closed the door behind them, as they began their life together.