Here we go again. I find Lena and Demi sitting at our bench ten minutes before form time. Their faces are eager and their heads are cocked with intrigue the minute they spy me.
“How was your weekend of sex and depravity then?” says Demi in her usual delicate way.
Every time I’ve seen Joel in the last two weeks, they’ve asked me whether we’ve done it again yet, and I’ve answered that with an honest no. I’ve told them that Sonya’s been around or I’ve been on my period. But I’d been talking about this weekend for ages and Demi has a memory like an elephant.
I hate lying to them, but I don’t want to admit the truth either. I know I can say the right things; it’s just whether I’ll look the part. What does someone look like if they’ve had a solid three days of wonderful sex? Is their hair more luscious? Do they have a glint in their eye that I’m missing? What will give me away as a fraud?
“It was as filthy as planned,” I say, hearing the words come out of my mouth and wanting to stuff them back in.
Demi whoops. “Yes, girl!” She grabs my elbow and squeezes. “Tell all.”
“Please and thank you.” Lena shuffles towards me so I’m now sandwiched between the two of them.
“Are you sure about that?” I say to buy time.
“Positive.” They’re fizzing with expectation.
And so the lies must continue.
“OK, so, when I got there I thought we’d watch a film and then, well, you know what happens when we ‘watch a film’…” I let the girls fill that part in. “But the minute I walked through the door we started kissing and one thing led to another and then we … had sex.” I stop.
“I need to know more, I’m afraid,” says Demi.
“Mmm,” says Lena, her eyes narrowing. “Me too.”
Is she not buying it?
“Between the hallway and the living room all clothes came off. Then we did all sorts of positions we’ve never done before, pretty much everything you can think of except me being flipped upside down.”
Have I gone too far now? I glance at Lena, but her eyes are wide in awe.
“How magical,” she says.
“You sex goddess!” Demi is proud of fantasy me. She slaps me hard on the back.
They’re definitely buying it – all I can see in their faces is joy and a hint of jealousy.
“After that, we had a bath together, candles and everything. Then we ordered pizza.” At least that’s true. “Then it was time to go to bed … and we did it again, obviously.” I’m getting into this now.
“Twice in less than eight hours.” Demi holds up two fingers. “Not bad.”
“Yep. And again when we woke up.”
“Three.” Lena holds up three fingers to join the tally.
Why am I getting so carried away? Maybe because I’ve dreamt of this weekend a thousand times before my fantasy was well and truly crushed by reality. I’m going to enjoy my moment because, damn it, I deserve it.
“We went to town on Saturday, but I won’t bore you with that because it gets really interesting when we come home to cook and I end up sitting on the kitchen counter with my knickers round my ankles. Let’s just say dinner was well and truly forgotten.”
“I don’t know whether to be disgusted, proud or turned on,” says Demi. “Certainly making up for the last two weeks by the sounds of things.” I’ve never seen her so impressed before. It feels as good as it feels absolutely awful.
“Tell me you wiped the counters down afterwards,” says Lena. “Anything else?”
I open my mouth to continue the charade, but the bell rings, stopping me mid-flow, and I fall back down to earth with a great big virginal bump.
After school, I’m back on MyVagVicki’s account, scrolling her feed endlessly when I should be asleep or revising for my imminent mock exams. It’s this or choose to replay my horribly dishonest conversation with Demi and Lena over and over in my annoying brain.
After watching almost all Vicki’s videos, I’m still ninety-nine per cent sure I don’t have vaginismus like her, but it’s weirdly comforting to know I’m not a total anomaly. I can see endless comments from others saying they also have issues when it comes to sex.
One in particular catches my eye.
Moongirlxoxo: For anyone interested I’m setting up an online group to talk about stuff like this. DM me x
There’s something tempting about being able to connect with other people in a similar boat, with the added bonus of anonymity. I can’t exactly talk to my best friends, given that I’ve told them everything is dandy in that department.
I probably won’t need it. Joel and I are sure to get somewhere with Operation Penetration eventually.
But I screenshot the comment anyway just in case.