“Well done, proud of you.” Sammy squeezes my arm as I officially withdraw my application to Sunderland. “Now you can email Winchester about the Psychology course. We got there in the end—”
“Yes, I get it. Lesson learnt,” I say. “But there’s no guarantee they’ll have me now.”
Sammy beams. “You won’t know if you don’t ask, and you can always go through clearing for a counselling-related course – that’s what it’s for, right?”
I wish Sammy’s optimism was contagious.
“You think I have a chance?”
“I think it’s likely there’ll be one course with a space. And, if not, there will be another way.”
“I hope so.”
Sammy shifts to lie on her stomach and settles her head on to a massive teddy that I pulled out from beneath my bed last night when I was desperate for something to cuddle.
“You know, I think way too much focus is put on the idea of virginity. Who cares if you were each other’s firsts or not?”
“Yeah?” I frown at her. “Tell me more.”
Sammy nods. “I read something last night that really got me thinking. It questioned whether virginity was even a real thing.”
“What do you mean?” I shut my laptop and lie next to her, wriggling under the covers.
“They said it was a ‘social construct’ that can’t be physically proven and means something different to everyone.”
“Fancy words.”
“Yeah, but would you say that Demi is a virgin until she’s had a penis inside her?” Sammy’s eyebrows are raised inquisitively.
I’ve never thought about it like that before. If Demi is only ever with someone who has a vagina, does that mean she will always be a virgin? That really doesn’t seem right. That makes nobs seem far too important.
“I don’t think so. I’d have to ask her, I suppose.”
“Exactly. It’s up to her. Do you get it?” Sammy sits up. “Also, and this is the bit I’m especially fond of – if virginity isn’t a real, tangible thing, that means that it can’t be given, lost or taken.”
I’m quiet for a moment. “I see what you’re getting at. I like the idea that it can’t be taken and that people can choose for themselves what it means.”
“That’s it. Choice. You’ve got it spot on. Anyway, have a think – it might help.” Sammy walks the teddy bear up my legs and makes him pat me on the head. “I’m choosing to say that I had sex for the first time with Nicoli, but he didn’t take anything from me, nor did I take anything from him – apart from about ten of his comfiest jumpers…”
“Mmm. It still makes me feel weird knowing Joel will lose his virginity—”
“Have penetrative sex for the first time with,” Sammy corrects me.
“I think after everything I’ve been through, whether it’s a social construct or not, the first time does feel like something special.”
Sammy sighs. “I’m not saying it’s not important, but it’s certainly not simple or straightforward, is it?”
“Nope. I appreciate you trying to make me feel better.”
“That’s what sisters are for,” says Sammy, before pulling back the covers and tucking the teddy in beside me. “In other news, I have been officially roped into reading Mum’s first creative-writing piece. She’s actually really good, if a little heavy on the semicolons. And, speaking of uni, I’m well jel about you having it all to look forward to. I’ll be visiting as often as I can. Relive my youth.”
“You are twenty-three, not an OAP. And I’m actually buzzing about uni now.” Yes I’m sad, I miss Joel and I still sometimes worry that I made the wrong choice, but the idea of uni next year – wherever that might be – actually makes me feel excited and free. It only took my life falling apart before I realized it.
“And I’m gutted that my baby sis has had her first heartbreak, but I don’t think it could have come at a better time. You get to do you and no one else.”
“Well…”
“Yes, Rose!”
“Kidding. I can’t even think about that yet. But, yeah, it’s nice to know that next year will be on my terms, and it will be easier to get over Joel if I’m somewhere new, surrounded by loads of new people.”
“One hundred per cent. Freshers you’ll be drunk, hungover or busy socializing and then the rest of the year you’ll be too busy cramming for exams or pulling all-nighters to even remember he exists.”
I pull a face. “All-nighters? No thanks.”
“It’s fun! Our department once stayed in the building all night, ordered pizzas and had a hilarious game of hide-and-seek in the spooky corridors. We left just as people were coming in for their morning lectures.” Sammy cackles.
“Maybe if you spent less time eating pizza and playing hide-and-seek, you wouldn’t have to pull all-nighters.”
“Oh, my dear Rose, you have a lot to learn.” Sammy shakes her head and smiles. “And you have a lot to look forward to.”