Chapter 9

Three weeks before his graduation, Leo received a newsy letter from his mother in which she told him that Granny Marble was coming along for the ceremony, too. Just as she had witnessed her own son Joseph receiving his diploma wearing his elegant black gown in 1940 in the manner of Oxford University across the pond, she would now be back in 1968 to applaud her only grandson experiencing that same grand tradition. The continuity made Leo very happy. What made him frown was the paragraph during which his mother wondered out loud if he intended to invite a girl from Beau Pre up for graduation. Even though she knew quite well he hadn’t seen anyone since he and Rebecca had “broken up,” so to speak. But she chose to mention her anyway:

“Rebecca has a job here working at one of the antique shops on Franklin Street. She sold me a beautiful sideboard last year, in fact, and as far as I know, she’s not seeing anyone. I know you’re not either, being at Sewanee and all, so I’m sure she would love to come up to join you for the festivities. Think it over, why don’t you?”

At that point, Leo put the letter down and set his jaw firmly. The moment had finally arrived. Greg was still coming down to be with him for the ceremony at All Saints, and it was time to level with his parents once and for all. Then he had a second thought: just his parents, though. He would leave it up to them whether or not to tell Granny Marble. Maybe that was a generational bridge too far to handle.

His parents arrived the day before the actual ceremony, booking two rooms next to each other at the old-line Sewanee Inn: one for themselves and one for Granny Marble. As for Leo, he had been staying at Middleton Hall where students who wished to remain on campus for the five days between the end of the semester and graduation day were living. Only a handful of boys fell into that category, so the dorm was nearly empty and roaming the hallways had a spooky quality to it.

However, Greg’s arrival to stay with him overnight made up for the loneliness instantly, and the two quickly settled into Leo’s makeshift room. Underweight to begin with, Greg looked even leaner than when he had pulled out of school before the Christmas holidays last year. His cheeks looked particularly gaunt.

“It’s great to see you, but you need to be eating more,” Leo said, pulling back after the two sat on his bed and kissed each other gently on the lips while hugging tightly. “Greg, you’ve got to take better care of yourself.”

“Yes, I know. Preston and Sherrie keep telling me the same thing at the dinner table. My appetite’s just not there. I go to my sessions every week, but Dr. Lindstrom says it may take at least a year or more for me to get some sense of normalcy back.”

Normalcy.

It was a concept that Leo had been struggling with, attempting to achieve it nearly all his life since being called a “redheaded, freckle-faced woodpecker” on the seesaw at recess so long ago. Yet, he had never come close to it, as emotional hurdle after hurdle had presented itself.

“I’m treating you to dinner tonight in the village,” Leo continued. “It’s just a hamburger joint that some of us would go to when the cafeteria food would get totally out of hand, but by all that’s holy, you’re gonna eat a good meal in front of me if I have to spoon-feed you.”

Greg smiled as the two of them held hands. “You’re gonna spoon-feed me a hamburger? Now that I wanna see.”

Then Leo methodically outlined his plan. “I told my parents I’d meet them at the Sewanee Inn tonight after having dinner with a friend, but I didn’t tell them it was you. They didn’t see why we couldn’t all have dinner together, but what I’m going to tell them later this evening seemed to me like the perfect formula for indigestion. I have no idea how they’ll really take what I have to say, but I’ve decided to err on the side of caution where you’re concerned before I do tell them. All they know is that you left school because of your mother’s death, and I haven’t had a roommate since then. Greg, my parents may or may not have guessed who I am on some level and may have been in denial all this time for all I know. At any rate, I want to clear the air finally for the first time in my life. I can’t go on living in the closet.”

“I understand,” Greg said, nodding. “I don’t know if my mother knew about me, either. I’m guessing she thought she was better off not knowing, since I never had a social life involving girls. I was too young to be dating when my father died, of course, but my mother did ask me now and then if there was anyone special at school. High school, I mean. I never lied to her, though. I always told her there wasn’t.”

Leo sounded resigned. “Once you start lying about everything, it’s difficult to stop. It’s endless. It takes up all your energy. But no matter what happens with my parents later today, I know you’ll be there for me at All Saints tomorrow. And we’ll have tonight together right here in this room.”

“So how did dinner go with your friend?” Louisa was saying, as she and Joseph sat on the big floral couch in their Sewanee Inn suite staring at their son in the expensive leather armchair across the way. “They had perfectly delicious prime rib on the menu here tonight. I still don’t see why we all couldn’t have had dinner together right here at the Inn. You’re being very mysterious about all this, you know.”

Uncomfortable with the question, Leo shifted his weight briefly and drew himself up. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. The friend in question was Greg Lightman, my ex-roommate.”

Instantly, Louisa’s tone became solicitous. “Really? I still don’t understand. We would love to have met him and gotten to know him a little bit. How’s he doing, by the way? It must be awful what he’s going through.”

“He’s seeing a psychiatrist, and he’s lost some weight. Not that he needed to, you understand. He was a string bean to begin with. He’s staying with me tonight over at Middleton Hall.”

Joseph frowned and spoke up. “I agree with your mother. Why didn’t you just bring him with you?”

That required a deep breath, after which Leo bravely forged ahead. “Because there’s something I need to tell you both. Actually, Mama, I tried to tell you years ago that summer I was in the Junior Little Theatre play. Dean Forsythe wasn’t just a phase you said I was going through. Or a bad case of hero worship, as you suggested. I really had a mad crush on him that never went away until he was out of sight, out of mind, and he wasn’t the only crush like that. As I got a bit older, I felt the same way about Coy Warren that I felt about Dean, only more deeply since we were the same age. My feelings for boys only got more intense. And now…”

The brief pause Leo took to suck in more air gave his mother just enough time to interrupt. “You feel just that way about Greg, is that it?”

Leo nodded, making a mask of his face while his parents exchanged furtive glances. “I’ve never been interested in girls. Never at any time. Not as anything more than friends. It just wasn’t there. I had no choice in the matter. I can’t explain it better than that.”

Then his father started grabbing at straws. “What about Rebecca back in high school?”

He’d rehearsed that response many times over. “I dated her to try and fit in. I did it to please both of you. My relationship with Rebecca was strictly platonic. The truth is, I would rather have dated Coy Warren. But I knew that was ridiculous and impossible, of course. The point is that this is who I am. It’s who I’ve always been, and things aren’t ever gonna change any more than my red hair and freckles are gonna change.”

Then his mother started tearing up.

“Please don’t cry, Mama. A long time ago you told me that it was okay to be different.”

“I… I didn’t mean different that way,” she added, making no attempt to hold back her sobs. “Besides, I’ve always thought that you would make a wonderful father.”

Caught off-guard, Leo said, “What made you think that? When have I ever expressed any interest in the subject? Maybe some people in this world aren’t meant to reproduce. Maybe some aren’t meant to get married, either. There are a lot of bad marriages out there among your friends, to hear the two of you talk. Not to mention messy divorces and the fallout from that, especially when there are children concerned.”

“I’ll grant you all that. But I was thinking about how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren to spoil. All parents look forward to that. You’re our only child.”

Somehow, Leo found the courage to continue. “I’ll always be your only child. But realistically, I can’t see grandchildren happening, not the way things are set up for me.”

Joseph put his arm around his wife to console her and said, “About Greg…are the two of you making some sort of plans together? Is there more we need to know?”

It was a painful question for Leo to answer, but he managed. “No. My draft deferment ends this summer, as you know. I have to face that and the possibility of Vietnam before I can even apply for a job. Greg’s under psychiatric care up in Lexington until further notice. Tonight will probably be our last night together.”

Louisa gathered herself enough to push the envelope. “Have you two… been… I mean… well, you know what I mean, don’t you?”

Even though Leo thought that tonight might be their first—and maybe last—time to become intimate with each other, he decided not to bring up the possibility and to spare his mother’s feelings instead. After all, there was no guarantee that he and Greg would make such a decision, given the definite parting that lay ahead of them and the emotional weight of it all. He could even envision the two of them being satisfied with just going to sleep in each other’s arms. So, he gave his mother a simple, “No, we haven’t. Not the way you mean.”

That seemed to placate her, and she stopped sobbing. “I’m at least grateful for that.”

“Don’t be. You make it sound like there’s something wrong with the way we feel about each other. This is gonna be hard for us, Mama. Everything seems to be star-crossed. We never seem to have gotten off the ground.” Then an odd-looking grin broke across his face. “I just realized I said star-crossed. Sorry, it’s all the Shakespeare courses I’ve taken up here.”

“You’ve always had a flair for the theatrical, son,” Joseph said with a hint of a smile. “You came out of the womb that way, gestures and all. Is Greg coming to the graduation ceremony tomorrow? Will we get to meet him then?”

“Yes, he’ll be there. But for Granny Marble’s sake, let’s don’t say anything more than he’s my ex-roommate who’s come down to see me graduate. There’s nothing out of the ordinary about that. Let’s please don’t make a big deal out of this.”

“That’s definitely the way to go,” Joseph added with some authority. “Your grandmother is very opinionated about a lot of things, as you know. Politics and religion and anything in-between. No reason to disturb her image of you as a Sewanee music major who took after her and can sing and act to boot. She says business at the school picked up even more after that review the paper did of your performance in Carousel. She was so proud of you.”

Leo felt a certain sense of relief when the tense visit came to a close, and his father said, “And we’re proud of you, Leo, too, no matter what.” Hugs followed to seal the deal, and the world suddenly seemed less threatening.

Back in his room later, Leo summarized his conversation with his parents, and Greg said, “I like the idea of us going to sleep in each other’s arms. It’s kinda sweet, and maybe we shouldn’t try to go any further than that. At least, I’m leaning that way.”

“Your thinking being?”

“That this is going to be hard enough as it is. In a perfect world, we’d find a way to explore this friendship of ours and take it to another level. But instead, we’ve got problems all over the place, and neither one of us knows what’s going to happen next. For instance, are you gonna be a conscientious objector when you get your draft notice, or are you gonna trudge on down there for your physical like a red-blooded American boy?”

The question took Leo completely by surprise. “I hadn’t even thought all that much about that yet. Yes, it’s crossed my mind, but I’ve been so focused on us and coming out to my parents.”

“Well, it’s coming right at you,” Greg said. “Your draft notice, I mean. Unless you’re planning to run up to Canada and hide, you’re gonna have to deal with it. I’m covered with my 1-Y. And even if I weren’t, there are my psychiatric issues that would do me in.”

Leo shrugged. “I can’t think about that right now.”

“So it’s been a long day for both of us. Me, driving down from Lexington, and you having that showdown with your parents. I’m all for a little kissing and hugging and a lot of rest for your big day tomorrow.”

That was what they ended up doing, in fact. Leo could not help but notice the difference between the forced kissing he had done with Rebecca and the arousal he was feeling with Greg. He wanted to have his lips against Greg’s and linger there for as long as they both felt the surge of adrenaline it was producing. The last thing Leo remembered before drifting off to sleep was how nice it was to experience even a hint of what loving and being loved by someone who was not his mother, father and grandmother was like.