‘Mmmm, it’s good,’ Dylan said as he bit into a slice of pizza. ‘What do you think?’
Tam nodded. ‘Agreed. Pass the salad, would you?’
‘Seriously?’ Dylan replied as he handed her the container. ‘Why do you have to go and ruin a perfectly good pizza with salad?’ he joked.
Tam ignored him while she helped herself to half the salad and then dumped the other half onto his plate.
‘Hey,’ he said with a laugh.
‘No seconds until you eat that,’ she said with a smile.
‘Wow, bossy or what?’ Dylan replied before picking up his fork and attacking the green salad.
‘Just looking out for you,’ she said.
Dylan’s eyes softened as he gave her a look that made her feel fuzzy inside.
And in a blink the look was gone and Dylan was back to his normal self. It was insane. One minute they could be talking about the weather or pizzas and the next he had her hot, bothered and more than thirsty with only a look.
Tam tried to refocus and glanced down at her plate. ‘So, did you have a busy day?’
‘It wasn’t too bad. I started measuring up and working out what materials I need for Ms Winter’s place,’ he said before picking up his slice of pizza again.
‘Is it going to be difficult?’
‘I’d like to say no but I don’t want to jinx myself. You never really know what you’re going to find when you start tinkering with old buildings. Like last year when I had to restump old Mr Tully’s floor and we discovered that half the stumps were missing.’
‘An unexpected surprise,’ Tam said with a smile.
‘Yeah, I hate those,’ Dylan replied. ‘Anyway, hopefully it will be smooth sailing. What about you?’
‘I bought these from Yvette today,’ she said, flicking one of her earrings.
‘Pretty,’ Dylan said before pausing.
Tam looked at him expectantly. ‘Anything wrong?’
He shook his head and smiled back at her. ‘I’ve been thinking.’
‘Oh dear, this sounds ominous,’ Tam said in an attempt to lighten the mood.
‘Nah, it’s nothing bad—or at least I don’t think so,’ Dylan said. ‘It’s something that’s been on my mind. I’ve been thinking about it for ages.’
‘Thinking about what?’ Tam asked.
‘That maybe now that Seb and pretty much everyone else knows about us … maybe we could do something more permanent.’
Tam stilled. She should have known that this was coming. She wanted things to stay as they were because every time he mentioned permanence she felt terrified. Once again it was as if she was submerged and couldn’t break the surface so she could breathe. It made no sense, she loved Dylan yet the idea of living together and starting a new life scared her.
‘I know that you were hesitant before, but now there’s nothing holding us back.’ Dylan reached over and took her hand. ‘I love you, Tam—let’s take the next step.’
Her heart seemed to increase its beats and she took a breath in order to calm down.
‘What did you have in mind?’ she asked as she put down her cutlery and looked back at him.
‘Maybe you could move in here? Or we could get another place, if you don’t like this one. I don’t care where we are, as long as we’re together.’
‘I love you,’ Tam said but before she could continue she saw the look of disappointment in his eyes. She didn’t get to finish because he broke in.
‘But you don’t want to,’ he replied flatly.
‘It’s not that, truly it isn’t.’ But Tam didn’t exactly know if that was the truth or not. ‘It’s just that I don’t think I’m ready—at least not yet.’
‘Or maybe ever?’ Dylan added. ‘Every time I bring this up, you don’t want to, but next thing you say that you love me. It does my head in. I don’t mind waiting but are you going to keep putting it off for another five years … or maybe ten or twenty?’
‘I, I …’ Tam stammered. She wanted to be with him, to be happy and give him everything he wanted but something stopped her and she couldn’t explain it. She didn’t know why she felt this way.
‘I what, Tam?’ Dylan asked.
‘I don’t know,’ she said as she looked back down at her plate. ‘I think I’d better go.’
‘You can’t keep running away; we’ve got to deal with this one way or another. I feel like I’m in limbo and I can’t break free,’ Dylan said.
‘Is that what you want, to break free?’ Tam asked quietly.
‘No, I want us to be together,’ Dylan said. ‘I’d live with you, marry you, have babies with you with no hesitation. When I say that I love you—I mean it. I’m not the one putting on the brakes.’
‘I know, I know … it’s just that I’m not sure if it’s the right time,’ Tam said quickly. ‘I mean work is about to go into overdrive and—’
‘Geez, Tam, I’m not asking you to marry me tomorrow. I’m only asking about taking the next step together.’
‘We are,’ Tam replied.
‘Don’t wind me up. You know exactly what I’m talking about.’ He sat against the back of his chair and crossed his arms.
‘I think we both have a lot of work at the moment and perhaps this isn’t the right time. I’m not saying no, I’m just saying not yet,’ Tam said.
‘I’m beginning to think that’s just another excuse,’ Dylan said as his gaze bore into her. ‘I know what I want, but it seems you still have to figure out what you want. I can wait, Tam—but not forever.’
‘I understand, Dylan, I really do,’ she said but she looked away.
‘I hope so, because what we have is great but I’ve already waited and I need something solid that we can build on.’ Dylan reached across the table and gently tilted her head back to him with the tip of his finger. ‘I really do love you but the more I think about it, the more I realise that you’re not as committed to this relationship as I am. I’m not blaming you, but I think we’ve got to work out why. Then we’ll know if we have a real future together or not.’
Tam covered his hand with hers. ‘I do love you.’
‘I know you do, babe,’ Dylan said with a sad smile. ‘But I wonder if it’s enough.’
* * *
Even though she was dreaming, Tam couldn’t break free. The dream was the same one that had haunted her for years. Sometimes its frequency diminished, but it never fully went away.
It was hot and Tam was walking down a dirt road. She could almost feel the sun on her back, the scent of gum trees and the warmth of Dylan’s hand holding hers. All of a sudden she was propelled down the road, as if she was in a movie on fast forward. She didn’t want to go, she didn’t want to see, because she knew what was beyond the bend. Disjointed images flashed before her—lying to her mum about the party, Taylor Henderson, the pile of unopened presents in her parents’ bedroom. This was how the nightmare always went and Tam couldn’t do anything about it but endure.
But this time there was a shift. The old images were punctuated with more recent memories. Maddie’s face telling her, You deserve to be happy. All the times she’d faced off against Seb. Dylan telling her he wanted them to be together. She wanted that too but there was something in the darkness that pulled her back down, away from the warmth of his love.
Tam tossed in the bed, she swam against the force, trying to make her way to Dylan but she couldn’t. All at once she was in a long dim tunnel and the only light was at the end. She knew what was there, she could feel it in her bones. It was the one thing that she never wanted to see again. A memory that was burnt into her brain so that she could never forget it. Again, the dream hit fast forward and she rushed through the tunnel until she was standing in front of her parents’ mangled car. Words echoed in her head—You did this. This is your fault.
Tam gasped as she opened her eyes. For a second she was confused because she wasn’t in her own room, it was still dark but there was a shaft of moonlight falling through the window. She turned her head and saw Dylan sleeping beside her. Her first impulse was to roll over and hug him until the terror of her dream faded but instead she slowly sat up. The nightmare still had a tenuous hold on her. Her heart pounded as she ran her hand through her hair and tried to catch her breath.
The old guilt settled over her like a cloak of stone, she couldn’t move on to the future as she was still weighed down by the past—and it might never let her go.
Tam carefully pushed the covers back and sat on the side of the bed. Maybe she was fooling herself to think that she could ever be free of this burden. Maybe she didn’t deserve to be.
She got off the bed, grabbed her clothes and with one final glance at Dylan, she walked out the door.