Dylan opened his eyes as Tam left the room. He rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. He’d been hoping this wouldn’t happen but somehow he knew it would. He didn’t doubt that Tam loved him but he knew there was something that kept her from moving forward towards the future.
He sighed when he heard her motorbike firing up. She was running away, just like she always did when they’d had a conversation like that. The night air blew in from the half-open window and yet it didn’t bring any clarity with it. They were trapped by the events of her parents’ death and he didn’t know how Tam could ever reconcile with it.
Tam had received professional help in the past, as had most of the family. As far as he knew she kept going to her therapist long after the others had stopped. For the most part, Dylan had thought it had helped her. Although every now and again there was a wild and almost destructive streak that would flare up in her. As the years passed the parties and the drinking diminished and as the business with Maddie had grown, she’d toned things down even further.
Dylan had thought that the past had been put to rest. Tam’s business had been going well and so were they, at least he thought so. He knew for sure now that her reticence in going public about their relationship wasn’t just because she was worried about what Seb would say. But he still didn’t know exactly what the problem was.
It was true that she did love him. Dylan felt it, but was it strong enough for them to get through this together? If it was only a question of waiting for her to be ready, then he’d wait. But what would happen if she was never ready? And how could he keep trying to accommodate everything she wanted as well as his own needs when they weren’t even on the same page?
Seb used to tease him that he didn’t dream big and just wanted a simple life. That was true. Since he was a kid, he had promised himself he would have a stable and loving home life one day. He wanted everything that had been denied to him and he wanted to be the best father he could be so his future children would never know the kind of pain and fear that he had experienced.
He always assumed that he’d grow up, fall in love and that the person he fell in love with would have the same ideals of what a future would look like. But he was beginning to think that Tam didn’t want those things and it killed him.
Dylan hoped that they could find some common ground but maybe he’d have to make a different decision soon. Was he willing to love Tam on her terms and give up on his vow?
Dylan looked around the dark empty room. He ran both hands through his hair and blew out a breath.
Why did love have to be so hard?
* * *
Tam let herself in the back door, only to find Lix standing there. He looked half asleep and a chunk of his hair was sticking up.
When she walked into the kitchen, he took a step back and let out a gasp.
Tam wrinkled her nose. ‘Sorry,’ she said, ‘I didn’t mean to surprise you.’
Lix sucked in a breath. ‘Geez, you scared the hell out of me.’ He placed his hand over his heart. ‘I didn’t think you were coming back tonight.’
‘Neither did I.’
‘Did you two have a fight or something?’ Lix asked as he filled up the kettle.
‘More of the or something,’ Tam replied. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Dylan wants me to move in with him and start looking to the future.’
‘You mean the whole thing—house, kids et cetera?’
Tam nodded as she walked over to one of the stools at the kitchen island and sat down. ‘Yes, that’s what he wants. And I want that too but …’
‘But?’
‘Every time we talk about it, I get an awful panicky feeling and I bolt out of there. I’m surprised that he’s still talking to me. Although, after tonight, I don’t like my chances,’ Tam confessed.
‘You love him though, right?’
‘Like crazy. And I know how good we are together. But I can’t give him what he wants, even though I want to.’ Tam sank down and leant her arms on the bench.
Lix didn’t say anything, instead he busied himself by making hot chocolates. After a couple of minutes, he walked over to Tam and handed her a mug.
‘Tam, maybe you should go and get some professional help. I mean, it helped us all after Mum and Dad’s accident.’ He sat down next to her. ‘Perhaps you need someone to talk to, so you can find out what’s going on.’
‘Maybe,’ she said, not wanting to admit that he might have a point. To cover, she decided to change the topic. ‘So, are you going to bed late or did you just wake up?’
‘I was up late working but I fell asleep on the couch.’ He gestured in its vague direction.
‘I thought you’d finished updating the website.’
Lix gave her a little nod. ‘This was some stuff I was doing for me. I was taking some night pictures outside.’
Tam glanced down and saw Lix’s old camera on the bench. It was his prize possession and he only ever brought it out when he was feeling down or nostalgic, or both. He had other cameras, better ones in fact, but this was the last gift he’d received from their parents and he treasured it. She looked thoughtful as she turned back to him.
‘Has something happened?’ she asked.
He shook his head and placed his hand over hers. ‘Nah, it’s all good. I wanted to get some shots of the moon and the trees silhouetted against the sky. I was thinking about Mum and how she always liked warm, moonlit nights and the next thing I knew I was outside taking some shots.’ He gave a slight smile. ‘I’m hoping that they’ll turn out all right.’
Tam leant over and gave him a nudge with her shoulder. ‘Since when are your pictures just all right? They’ll be fabulous. Actually, you should have an exhibition or something, you’re that good.’
He let out a laugh. ‘You’re just biased.’
‘That doesn’t mean you’re not talented. Your photographs are brilliant. You always manage to tell a story and touch people’s emotions. That’s priceless.’
Lix’s cheeks flushed a little. ‘Stop, you’re making me blush.’
‘Well it’s true,’ Tam replied. ‘Don’t sell yourself short—promise?’
‘Okay, I promise.’ He looked over to the wall clock. ‘It’s almost half past three. I think I’ll turn in … unless you need to talk?’
‘Nah, I’m okay—nothing’s going to get resolved tonight anyway.’ She watched him stand up and grab what was left of his hot chocolate.
He bent down and dropped a kiss on her head. ‘I’ll see you in the morning.’
‘It is morning,’ Tam teased.
‘You know what I mean,’ Lix said with a yawn.
‘Go on, get out of here.’
‘Night, sis.’ He headed upstairs.
Tam sat in the now silent kitchen and nursed her drink between her hands. She reluctantly stood up and made her way to her bedroom. She was tired and thoughts about her and Dylan kept spinning in her head. Sleep sounded like a good idea but she was terrified that the nightmare would return and drag her back down within its depths.