Ten

Evie curled her feet up under her on the couch, watching Rob over an oversized mug of hot chocolate she’d chosen over a glass of chardonnay, enjoying listening to details of his week as he put away the remains of their meal.

“We’re doing a deal with The Lewis Group on a television station,” he told her, “buying it from Nathan and merging ownership with one from Atlanta and another two located in Virginia.”

She could hear the satisfaction in Rob’s voice—certainly the deals, but also the people he was working with. He liked running with “the big dogs,” as he joked on occasion. The deals were large, had more on the line, got noticed by the press, and written up in the business sections of major newspapers. Rob was good at what he did, was respected by the decision-makers. She liked that about him.

She didn’t try to follow the intricate specifics of what he described, but she liked listening. The money and business transactions that had him fascinated were just things, not life and death, though they caused similar stress. Her perception was different. She would never appreciate them with the same satisfaction he did and couldn’t easily pretend that she did. But she knew he loved the work.

“Boring you?” Rob asked with a grin as he walked into the living room with his glass.

She smiled. “No. Just drifting a bit as I listen. It’s been a long workweek.” She shifted the hot chocolate to the coffee table and curled into him after he joined her on the couch, gave him a hug and simply leaned against his chest. “I missed you.”

“Very much mutual, my Evie.” He put a hand under her chin, lifted it for a gentle kiss.

He took good care of her—the meal, the quiet evening. He also liked to show her off, take her to events, out to dinner, to parties where friends and business acquaintances could meet her. But there were also nights like this one where he simply wanted a shared meal with her at his place.

“Fifteen days since we last spent an evening together—far too long a stretch,” he mentioned. “You might start forgetting me.”

She smiled at the teasing tone. “As if . . .” She gave a contented sigh as she sat up to reach for her mug, idly wondering if that was one of the ties she had given him. He’d relaxed, nixed the suit jacket but still wore the loosened tie. It suited him, her banker boyfriend, a semiformal look even when choosing comfort.

She wondered what he’d say to Ann having someone undercover at The Lewis Group to figure out who murdered Nathan’s wife. Their worlds did intersect, if not collide, at times. She smiled to herself. Not her secret to tell. Knowing Rob, he’d take in the news and rather quickly deduce who it was. He made it a point to know his clients and their associates. Someone new in the circle around Nathan would have been noticed.

“My parents were wondering if we might like to join them for dinner at the mayor’s charity benefit next Friday night.”

And their lives overlapped yet again. She nearly told him that David knew the special guest who would be performing that evening, but thought better of it. She didn’t think Rob would have more than a glancing knowledge of Triple M even if she did mention the name. “I’d like that. I can’t promise, but I can try to be there.”

“I’ll arrange tickets then. And tell Mom and Dad to go easy on expressing their concerns.”

She had wondered how Rob was taking their remarks. “They mean well,” she offered, willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

“I’ll be charitable and say they’re just not used to making small talk with a cop.”

She smiled at his dry comment. She thought Rob was handling it about as well as he could, given his parents had someone very different in mind for their future daughter-in-law. Evie turned to lean against him once more, and Rob rested his arm around her. She felt content to share the couch and just enjoy being held. “Whether or not I understand it all, it sounds like you had a productive week.”

“I did. Like to tell me any more about yours?”

Evie thought about the missing girl, then back to the arson fire with fatalities she’d worked before the task force began. Neither added anything useful to the evening except to bring the weight with her. “No. Thanks, but no.”

“Okay.” Rob gave her shoulder a squeeze and let the silence linger, giving her room to suggest a topic. They often spent evenings just talking, time together they both enjoyed. When she’d finally realized she could truly relax with him, it had moved their relationship a long way forward. She didn’t feel she was “onstage” with him, like she needed to put her best foot forward, fill silences with confident, sparkling words. He gave her room to be herself, and she loved that about him. Some nights they’d end up reminiscing about high school or sharing jokes they’d heard; other times they would talk about what was happening in the lives of mutual friends or make plans for things they would enjoy doing together. Simply life shared, and she loved the freedom that gave her with him.

Now he asked lightly, “Have you thought any further about my question?”

Marriage. The big question. “Yes, I’ve thought about it.” She considered following his lead to that conversation, but decided against it. Some subjects weren’t addressed well when one was tired. So she bent the conversation slightly in another direction. “Actually, I’ve been thinking a lot about us. What do you like best about me?”

“Are you asking for a list?”

She would have stirred, but he ran a comforting hand down her arm. “I’ve actually got a long list, so it’s a good question,” he responded, and she heard the smile in his words. “I’ll mention the first handful. I like the fact you’re not dazzled by ‘stuff’—by my world, that you have your own world you get lost in, one that’s meaningful to you and to others. You’re never going to be a wife who’s pressing her husband for the next gift of jewelry, the next big house, or chasing another rung up the ladder. You’ll let me build a home I’d like, and you’ll appreciate it without craving more. You have the ability to appreciate my world, genuinely enjoy it, and yet be content. I like that about you, Evie. You have what you need, and that’s enough for you.

“I’m a man of ambition in my own way, with a vision of what I want for a home and family. Wealth is part of that, a legacy I can pass on to my children and grandchildren, as well as quietly distribute to causes and individuals crossing my path. You give me room for all of that. I like the fact there’s not competition between us.”

Evie wasn’t sure how to respond, so she didn’t try to find words. She did feel out of step with his wealth, but it was beautiful, his home and the flow of his life. Rob was gifted at knowing how to put together a life that worked for him. There was comfort in that she didn’t feel pressured to fit herself into his world—simply invited to join her own with his, finding parallels and intersections along the way.

“Want a few more?”

“Sure.” She laughed. “So far we’re good.”

“I like your smile,” he said simply, “the way your face lights up when you see me. I like that you enjoy the simple things, like fussing around in the kitchen, running with your dogs, and curling up to watch a movie, even one you’ve seen before. You know how to enjoy yourself.

“I like how you’re kind to my parents, even though they haven’t been all that welcoming to you.” He turned to face her as he continued. “And I admire you for being a cop. You have a sense of right and wrong in you that runs deep and doesn’t waiver. You’re a good compass for me. When you don’t like something, I think about it twice, because there’s a reason it’s rubbing you the wrong way. You keep me far away from trouble.” He paused. “I told you it was a long list.”

She smiled her thanks. “You’re being particularly kind to me, Rob,” she whispered.

“You’re drained emotionally right now, giving the truth a particular impact,” he replied gently. “Let me mention another big one. I like that you have a passion for God. It’s different from mine and expresses itself differently around people. I’m more about the certainty of God, the fact He cares about our decisions, how we’ve lived. You seem more relaxed about that, confident in God’s grace. You easily interact with people who come from criminal backgrounds, accept them as simply as you do victims who have lost faith because of what occurred. You seem able to reach both extremes, to live in a place where God is bigger than the particulars of how life happens to unfold. Those are all good things, Evie.”

“It helps me that you see things from a different perspective,” she replied. “Our sharing a love for God gives me a solid place to stand even when I’m not sure about the rest of . . . well, you and me. I’m confident about what you think about God and how your life revolves around your faith. It’s . . . reassuring,” she decided, looking for the right word.

“It is. We’re good for each other, Evie.” He let the silence return.

Evie wasn’t sure if or where to take the conversation further. This relationship had begun to dig deep into both their lives, and it was obvious in what they were willing to risk in discussions. She wanted to match Rob in candor, but she didn’t have things clear enough in her own mind yet to know how she wanted to reply.

“Shall I mention that I see where you struggle too?” Rob finally asked gently. “You’re not confident in yourself, Evie, and I don’t understand it, but it’s a constant in you and doesn’t seem to go away. It’s not so much a weakness as it is a vulnerable place. I can see its effects. It’s what creates that internal pressure to be worth the trust someone has placed in you. The task force, doing a good job—it’s not just to impress the governor, your boss, those working with you, but to reassure yourself you’re good enough to be on that task force. That sense of not being good enough is something I’d love to see fade away one day.”

Evie knew he had nailed that one. “You do see me pretty clearly.” She shifted away and fully turned toward him on the couch, grateful the conversation was honest but not putting her in tears. She loved that his smile was kind as he looked at her.

“I see a good life for us together if you want that, Evie. I’d like to marry you and build a home with you, a family. You can be a cop and have a life with me—goodness knows they need a good detective around here. I don’t mind the interruptions your job brings. My job interrupts life too. So long as we both can step away from work to be a couple, a family, it can be a good life.” He reached over and feathered his fingers through her hair and, after a moment of silence, said quietly, his smile a bit sad, “And still you hesitate to know how to answer.”

She understood that sadness and gave him back as much honesty as she could. “Rob, you see the threads of you and I twined together and making it work, and I just . . . maybe it’s that lack of confidence showing itself in another way. I feel the peace when I’m with you. I love how you laugh at my jokes, tolerate my distracted mind when work is still capturing my attention, and that you enjoy life with me. The fact I’m not in a cop’s world with you, and you’re not going to bring up a crime or lay something similarly heavy on me—that is life to me.

“I’m never going to understand the deals, the money, with the significance you feel. I care for you more than any man I’ve ever met. But I look at us together and figure I’m not pulling my weight. I’m not being the one you need. You’d do better with a wife who can relate to your world, can socialize with your partners, charm your potential clients, be an asset to your life. I can try, but people are going to sense that I don’t fit in. Your world is a game of skill, moving money and people and things around, and I appreciate that you’re gifted to do it well. Yet it really just seems like a game to me, not life and death, and no one is going to bleed when the day is done. And that reaction in me . . . well, it doesn’t feel right. You deserve better than that.”

He was starting to smile, so she hurried to add, “You need a wife who wants the ‘stuff,’ at least enough to appreciate what it is. I’m more puzzled and lost when it comes to material things. I enjoy a couch that’s comfortable, a home that’s spacious, and the security that’s reliable. I love being part of your comfortable life, but I wouldn’t put in the effort it takes to build that for myself. I’d rather go solve something that mattered to me. And that’s what bothers me. What you do does matter. But then I come into your world with its true pressures and headaches, and I’m thinking, It’s just stuff. What’s the big deal? That’s the last thing you need a wife to be thinking about when you’ve poured everything you’ve got into creating a comfortable life.”

His smile broadened and turned into a chuckle. “If only you realized what you’re saying, Evie. Do you really think I didn’t understand that about you the first day we met? You’re always going to think, ‘What’s the big deal? So you lost some money, go earn some more. So you lost the deal, there will be more.’ It’s actually one of the core things I love about you. You honestly don’t care about the outcome because there’s a world out there where if my deals work out or not, if I earn a bonus or not, the world spins on regardless. It really doesn’t matter. It’s a kind of vanity and striving after the wind. I like that you’re always going to ground me to the truth that my world is just not that big a deal in the larger picture of life and death, sorrows and problems I can’t even imagine.

“I do it because it’s fun. I’m good at numbers, love to negotiate, bring people together, overcome obstacles. When good deals are struck, people prosper, lives improve. It helps people when a good man makes good deals. That’s a role I was designed to play. And maybe play is the operative word here. But it’s not the end of the world. I need a wife who knows that and reflects that truth to me. It gives me balance.” He smiled as he ran a hand down her arm. “You give me balance.

“All too often people in the role I fill are warped into thinking the money, the power, and the prestige are the important things, and that’s all they can see. You, on the other hand, are incapable of getting blinded by the success, the wealth. You’ll call it foolishness when it goes to excess, and laugh at the false pressure of it. You’ll help me find ways to use it to invest in others. I want someone like you in my life, Evie. I want you in my life. You’re the balance to this world I live in. I’m wise enough to deeply desire that. Just like in some other ways I think I’m the balance you need for the often dark world you live in. You need me too. It’s okay to build a marriage there.”

She understood why he was so far ahead of her, was comfortable with the desire to be married. He’d figured out what he wanted, needed, and he loved her. She just wished she was at the same place he was. “Rob, what if I’m just not ready to step into marriage? What then?”

“Why the doubts?”

She tried to find the words. “Maybe I’m too young. I know, I’m thirty-six, it isn’t a rational feeling. But as much as I wonder if it should be you and I, it’s that sensation that I’m not ready, that I need a few more years to grow up. ‘Banker’s wife’ is a title, a role that doesn’t sound . . . well, possible to me.

“I can step down from the State Police, take a local job, be a detective in a local precinct. I can figure out how to coordinate life between your job and mine. I can even envision kids one day. What I can’t see is how to step from what I have now over to that.” She shook her head. “But the truth is I really don’t know why I’m hesitating. If my feelings for you need more time to develop or I just need to let go of the fact I’m single and let the word couple now define who I am. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just scared.” She leaned her head against the back of the couch, wishing she knew her own heart better.

Rob didn’t immediately answer, taking time to absorb the words and finally nodding. “I think part of it is you don’t see yourself flourishing in that new picture, Evie. You’re in it, making it work, but it’s not somewhere you develop and bloom in fresh ways. That’s what I hear in your words. It’s not adding ‘more and better’ to you, just taking away some of what you are right now.”

She hated to think that maybe he was right. “You’d make a wonderful husband, Rob. I know my life would be blessed being with you. I also know I’m damaging things between us by not being able to say yes. I deeply regret that. I just can’t put into words why I’m hesitating. A great guy wants to propose and I’m not saying yes, yes!? It just doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what else to say except I need more time to figure out what is going on in me.”

“Evie, you trust me—easier than you can say the words I love you. Do you wonder why that is? Maybe I haven’t sparked something in you you’re hoping to find. Or maybe what you’re hoping for doesn’t exist. If it does, it’s possible I’m never going to be the guy who can click with that. I can answer the question why I want you in my life. I love you, Evie. I would treasure having you with me for the next fifty years. I’d enjoy building a home and family with you. But you need to be able to answer why you want me in your life,” he continued. “I’m a safe place in the storm, a refuge away from the life-and-death reality of your work. I’m a good guy, a good provider and someone to relax with. I’m good company who likes you being around. All that is a solid foundation. What’s the rest of it, Evie? That’s been enough for an exclusive relationship. But the rest of it? Am I the guy you can’t live without?”

“Right now you are,” she whispered. “I lose you, Rob, I lose the safest person I’ve ever known.”

He held out his hand, waited for her to grasp it. “You are safe with me, Evie. And if what you really need is to acknowledge that your heart isn’t yet ready for marriage, you should feel safe enough to say that to me. We’ll take a break. A year, two years, let time help sort this out. If you can take this step, I want to marry you. If it’s not going to happen—at least not now, is my earnest hope—then let’s step back. I don’t want to damage something I value more than I can say by pressuring you, but we can’t simply stay where we are. Let’s either go forward together or step back together.”

He was right, and his reasoned, careful, logical summation was one of the reasons she felt so safe with him. “How long are you going to let me think about this?”

“Why don’t we talk about it again on, say, Valentine’s Day?”

He was giving her enough time to let her heart settle. “Yeah. Okay.” Her smile was full of regret. “I’m being a lot of trouble.”

He chuckled. “You’re worth it, Evie.”

She had to blink away tears. “Something inside me must be broken,” she whispered, “for this to be so difficult for me. My parents are happily married. It’s like this alien thing crept in and confused me somewhere along the line.”

He laughed at the image. “We’ll get through it.”

“I’m truly sorry for this place we’re in. I never have wanted to cause this kind of turmoil.”

“You are a bit of a distraction on occasion,” he conceded, “as my attention isn’t always focused on the meeting I’m attending. Does she, or does she not? It’s all right. Like I said, I saw the vulnerable part of you from the beginning. That it shows itself when you’re considering a change to the very center of your life doesn’t surprise me. Saying yes to marriage, reorienting your life, should be a very big deal. You are a cautious turtle in many ways—you don’t move very fast, and you hide very quickly.”

She wrinkled her nose at the image but knew he was correct. “I’m scared of getting hurt,” she whispered.

“I know.”

“Are we okay?”

“Yes.” He crossed his heart like a little boy. “Promise. We’ll settle this by Valentine’s Day. You work better with a deadline.”

She laughed, but it also made its own kind of ache that he knew her so well. “I didn’t want to talk about this tonight. I guess I’m glad we did.”

“It was time.” He leaned forward and kissed her, drew a smile. “Yes, we’re good,” he promised. He picked up the remote. “Find us a half-hour comedy. We need something to laugh at together.”

She was grateful. “Thanks.” She took the remote and began searching.

It helped, having said the words that she was okay with for now. Evie relaxed with Rob, enjoying the comfort he offered far more than the sitcom. She felt him idly twisting a lock of her hair around his finger even as he laughed with her. He was a good man—different in his priorities, his style of living, from her. But she could trust him with her heart, and that mattered most of all. If she wanted it, theirs would be a safe marriage for her. There was enormous appeal in that.

When their evening came to an end, he drew her into a hug at the door before walking her out to the car. “I love you, Evie. You know that.”

“Yes, I do.” She met his gaze, and the smile came easily. “I know that,” she repeated. “God blessed me with something truly extraordinary when you asked me out on that first date. I don’t doubt that.”

“Good.” They walked together to her car, where he took her keys to open the door, then kissed her good-night. “Text me when you arrive. When you’re halfway down the state, I don’t worry so much about you as when you’re driving across town. I know the drivers here, their bad habits.”

She laughed. “I will. Valentine’s Day is a definite, even if I have to haul myself back from the other end of the state.”

“Before that we’ll fit in a couple of dinners, lunches, walks—whatever is doable when we’re this close. I don’t apologize for wanting to make it as easy as possible for you to say yes.”

She tugged his head down and kissed him. “This matters too. I’ll see you.”

He helped her into the car, closed the door. Her return smile was a little shaky, but as she backed out, she was feeling lighter than she had been on the drive here, knowing a decision was coming . . . and when. This relationship would be settled in a matter of weeks, either moving toward a wedding or the mutual decision to move apart. Things wouldn’t be staying the same.

Finding a missing college student suddenly seemed like the much easier task.

“I didn’t expect you this early after your evening with Rob,” David said, entering the room with his mug of coffee plus one for her.

Evie glanced at the clock, saw it was just after eight. “I realized I wasn’t going to sleep in today, so I thought I might as well come in and sort some more names. Thanks for the coffee,” she added.

“I’m working through Saul’s suspended cases,” he said, “looking for one he might have shifted over to on his own time. Maybe he went from the card game in Englewood Saturday night to check out a lead on one of the suspended cases.” David gestured with his mug, not joining her at the desk as he sometimes did but not heading back to work either. “Your evening go okay?”

Evie heard in the question the “we’re partners” tone—interested without prying. She smiled at its camaraderie feel. “It was fine.”

“Hmm,” he said, looking at her more closely. “You’ve been crying.”

She had some, on the drive from her hotel, thinking about the frightening possibility she would make the wrong decision. “No, it’s okay. He’d like me to decide what I want by Valentine’s Day.”

“Ahh.” David leaned against the wall, shifted his weight to get comfortable. “An interesting choice of day on his part. He really wants a yes.”

“I know.”

“Think about it, pray about it, decide,” he said, turning serious.

“If I’m distracted some the next couple of weeks, that will be why.”

“You’d like to push it aside for now, focus on work?”

“Pretty much.”

“Then from experience I suggest you find the thickest report that needs the most concentration and start reading there. While you do that, I’ll take a break and go get a box of Dilly Bars from the Dairy Queen so you can retreat to ice cream and chocolate whenever your mood needs a lift.”

Evie felt a small smile start near her heart. “That sounds wonderful.”

“Cold feet about marriage doesn’t mean it’s not the right decision,” he said, pushing away from the wall.

“I wish that was all this is. You’ve wanted to be married for years, and can’t. It must be odd, watching me struggle to make this step you’re eager to take when the door finally opens.”

He shook his head. “Maggie struggles to take the step to faith that I made so easily. You struggle over the step to get married. Different struggles, but from considering the two of you ladies, not so different at the core. Are you loved, can you love back, is it safe to commit to this forever relationship? You’re both surprisingly cautious, given each of your chosen careers.”

“When does Maggie get into town?”

“Thursday midmorning. She has the charity event Friday night, then it’s back to New York on Monday. She officially moves to Chicago at the end of the month, but movers will begin bringing furniture and belongings to the Barrington home in a few days.”

“Any ideas for a housewarming gift?” Evie asked.

“What she loves are flowers. Find something in a pot that reminds her of spring coming and you’ll hit the sweet spot. Anything else you need while I’m out?”

“I’m good.”

David lifted a hand and headed out.

Any one of the task-force members would have been good company, but David was particularly great, both for the work angle and her personal life. He liked people, liked her, and asked good questions. Evie took his advice. She sorted out the work on the desk and picked up the thickest document, the FBI report, and started reading.