I didn’t answer. I couldn’t, because I’ve never been able to say out loud why my mom’s not living here anymore. Truth is, she left because she got sick of being a wife and mother. I don’t talk about my mom with anyone, not even Landon.
I should have known better than to ask Derek about his mom. I feel awful that I brought it up. If I knew his mom wasn’t alive I wouldn’t have mentioned it. His answer hung in the air long after he cleared his plate and left me alone in the kitchen. I wanted to call him back and apologize, but ever since I laid eyes on him my defenses have been up and my mouth has gone into overdrive.
Julian looks at Derek as if he’s some superhero. I can’t mention football without my sister mentioning that Derek played. Then she wants me to entertain him. Next thing I know my dad’ll probably start watching football games with him.
I wanted to kick myself for attempting to look into his eyes more than a few times tonight. It’s not because I’m attracted to him. It’s because they’re a unique color, that’s all.
When my dad told me Brandi was moving back home, I hoped maybe we could become a family again. I imagined Julian and I would immediately bond. Instead, thanks to Derek, my nephew thinks I’m his crazy aunt. It’s time I change that perception.
I find Julian in my sister’s room, playing with a handheld video game.
“Hey, Julian!” I say.
He doesn’t stop playing. “Hi.”
“I know Derek said I was crazy, but I’m not.”
Julian looks up from his game. “I know. He told me he was joking.”
“Good.” I sit next to him. Besides his blond hair, he’s the spitting image of Nick. Supposedly Nick left my sister after he found out she was pregnant. I don’t think she’s seen him since, which means Julian has never met his biological father.
“Can I have a hug?” I ask him.
He shrugs.
“All right. Well, when you feel like giving me one, I’ll be waiting for it. Okay?”
He nods, his attention still on the game.
I sit with him for fifteen minutes, until my sister comes in and tells him to get ready for bed. My sister acts like our argument in the kitchen didn’t happen, but it’s still fresh in my mind.
Landon hasn’t called me, even though we’re supposed to hang at the beach tonight. I walk to my room, close the door, and call my boyfriend.
“Hey,” Landon answers.
“Hey.”
“Sorry I rushed out of Dieter’s meeting and didn’t call. I had to get home to help my mom with some stuff,” he says.
“So you’re not upset?”
“About what?”
“The captain thing. I totally expected you to get voted captain, not me.” I know he did, too. I can’t help but feel twinges of guilt, like I took his spot even though I had nothing to do with it.
“Whatever. It’s not a big deal.”
But it is. I guess I’m waiting for him to say I’ve worked hard and deserve to be captain just as much as anyone else, but he doesn’t.
On top of the captain thing, my sister’s homecoming and the argument I had with her are totally stressing me out. “Can we hang out alone tonight? My sister came home this morning, and I guess I’m just having a hard time with it.”
“Everyone’s meeting up at the beach,” Landon says.
“I know, but I’m feeling kinda . . . I don’t know.”
“Listen, you were always pissed your sister left. Now she’s back. You should be happy, Ash. You got what you wanted.”
It doesn’t feel how it should, though. “You’re right.” I don’t want to be the whiny girlfriend. Landon told me that his ex-girlfriend Lily, who goes to our rival school in Fairfield, complained all the time. He’d said nothing was ever good enough for her and she smothered him to death. I told myself I’d never be like his ex. I’m the happy-go-lucky girlfriend, even when I don’t want to be. “When will you be here?”
“I’ll pick you up in fifteen,” Landon says, then hangs up.
I rush to get dressed, knowing I can’t very well go out with Landon wearing a T-shirt and hoodie. I try on seven different outfits before calling Monika. I’m not good when it comes to fashion, but my best friend is an expert. I text her pictures of each outfit and she picks one: jean shorts and a short, low-cut pink shirt that reveals cleavage and a hint of skin above the shorts’ waistband.
In the bathroom, as I lean over the sink to put on my lip gloss, Derek strolls in.
“Don’t you knock?” I ask him.
“No need to knock if the door’s open.” He leans against the shower door and focuses on me with his bright blue eyes. “Hot date?”
“Yes.”
“With your boyfriend?”
“Yes.”
“He play football, too?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but yes.” I turn to face him and wish he had some blemish or imperfection, but I can’t find one. Ugh, the girls at school are gonna have a field day when they take one look at him. I imagine a lot of drama and fighting over him. “Did you barge in here for a reason, or did you just want to rub it in that I have to share a bathroom with you?”
“I need to relieve myself. Do you mind?”
“You act like you’ve never done it before.”
“I’ve done it. I just don’t have the need to announce it.” I grab my stuff and start to walk out, but turn back and say, “Don’t you dare leave the toilet seat up.”
“And if I do?” he asks with a smirk.
“Trust me, you don’t want to find out.”
In my room, I wonder if Derek has a girlfriend and imagine what she might look like. Not that I care. I’d actually feel sorry for the girl who has to deal with a guy who’s too sarcastic, too witty, and too good looking.
The doorbell rings a few minutes later. I can’t wait to see Landon’s expression when he sees me all dressed up.
“Be right down!” I call out, then grab my purse and rush downstairs.
Landon is waiting for me in the foyer wearing jeans and a preppy button-down shirt that covers his dark-skinned body. I give him a peck on the lips just as Derek appears wearing long shorts with REGENTS PREPARATORY ACADEMY embroidered on the leg. I’m not surprised he comes from a fancy prep school with that ego of his. He’s shirtless once again, showing off solid muscles and an air of confidence that rival Landon’s. I’m not immune to him even though I said I was. There’s just something about Derek that draws my gaze to him, even though I hate myself for acknowledging it.
“Who’re you?” Landon asks, as if Derek’s an intruder who needs to be kicked out of my house immediately.
“Just a thug from Cali,” Derek says with a wink for me, then pushes open the screen door and saunters outside with a pair of running shoes in his hand.
Landon points to the door. “Who the hell was that?”
“He’s Brandi’s stepson.” I wave my hand in the air, dismissing the importance of the guy living in our den. “Don’t pay any attention to him.”
“Stepson?” He glances at Derek through the screen. “I don’t like it.”
“Me neither.” I grab Landon’s hand and urge him out of the house. My boyfriend is competitive and definitely has a high testosterone level. He doesn’t mind me hanging out with our teammates, but he’s jealous of outsiders. Derek is definitely an outsider. “Come on, let’s go celebrate the beginning of summer break. I need a distraction.”
Outside, Derek is sitting on the stoop tying his shoes. “Y’all have fun,” he calls out as we head for Landon’s car.
“We will,” Landon growls back.
From the car, I look over at Derek. Our eyes meet and I feel a jolt of adrenaline. I want to ignore him, to pretend he doesn’t exist. So why do I have such a hard time keeping my eyes averted? I get a sense that there’s sadness behind his eyes, something that I can relate to.
Landon’s phone is in his cup holder when it rings on our way to the beach. Lily’s name comes up on the screen.
“Why is your old girlfriend calling you, Landon?”
He glances at the phone but doesn’t answer it. “Beats me.”
“You never told me you still talked to her.”
“We catch up every now and then. It’s no big deal.”
I wonder why he’d want to catch up with his ex-girlfriend when he always complains about her. I want to ask more questions about how often he talks to Lily and what they talk about, but he drives up to the entrance to the beach and hops out of the car before I can ask him to elaborate.
I thought Landon and I would find a nice quiet place to sit and talk in front of the bonfire, but he leaves me to hang with some of the guys. I could join him, but I’m getting a weird vibe from him tonight and decide to give him some space. I don’t want to smother him like Lily did.
Jet has a six-pack in his hand as he stands by Victor’s car with a bunch of other guys. The second Jet sees me, he waves me over.
“Hey, Captain,” he says as he wraps me in a bear hug.
“Cut it out, Jet.”
“You know you love me, Ash.”
“No, I don’t. Most of the time I don’t even like you,” I joke. “Get your paws off me and leave them for the poor, unsuspecting girls who buy your bullshit.” I dig an elbow into his ribs. “Landon’s right over there. Don’t piss him off.”
Jet laughs. “Why would I want to piss off our star QB, our pride and joy, the prince, the single most important person on our team, the only quarterback who can take us to State with one hand tied behind his back?”
“Lay off, Thacker,” Vic chimes in, shutting Jet up for the moment.
After we lost in the playoffs, the local paper printed a quote from Landon bashing Jet about not catching his last two passes. Landon said they misquoted him, but Jet still took it personally. Ever since then, the two have been trading barbs and I’ve had to defuse a lot of it to keep the peace.
Jet points to a girl by the water’s edge wearing a skimpy thong bikini. “What are the chances I get lucky with her tonight?”
“Better than most,” I tell him. “Should I warn her that you just want a one-night stand so she shouldn’t expect a call from you in the future?”
That gets an amused grin out of Vic.
“Hell, no.” Jet doesn’t have girlfriends. He likes to “spread the love” and hook up with as many hot girls as he can. Which also means he’s pissed off more than a good share of the high school female population in Fremont and the surrounding communities.
A few times Jet has needed my help being rescued from clingy girls desperate to have a real relationship. I’ve reluctantly acted as his fake girlfriend too many times to count. I told him that one day he’ll fall hard for a girl who’ll break his heart, but he laughs it off. He thinks love is complete bullshit.
I walk to the bonfire where Monika is sitting and think about the conversation Derek and I had in the kitchen. And the fight my dad and Brandi had. And Derek’s stupid abs he flaunted today. And the guilt I have for Landon not being voted captain. I want my brain to stop thinking. It’s on overload.
“I can’t believe my best friend didn’t tell me she was voted captain,” Monika says as she snuggles against her boyfriend, Trey, our star running back. “Congrats, girl!”
“Thanks.”
Trey and Monika have been dating since junior high. They’re completely in love and aren’t afraid of PDA or talking about their future as if it’s a given that they’ll be together forever.
After my parents split, I gave up on finding true love—something manufactured in movies and books to make people believe in the impossible. Trey and Monika renewed my faith. He looks at Monika as if she’s the only girl in the world. It’s as if she’s his life-line and he’d be lost without her. Monika told me that Trey’s her soul mate. They’re both planning on going to the University of Illinois, although Trey needs a scholarship to the Big Ten school to be able to afford it.
When Landon sits next to me, I lean into him. “What are you thinking about?” I ask, getting my boyfriend’s attention. “You look so serious.”
“It’s nothing,” he says irritably before opening a can of beer and chugging the entire thing.
I put my hand on his chest. “Is it the captain thing? Because I didn’t know—”
He swats my hand away. “Fuck, Ash, will you stop bringing it up? I’m just pissed off at the world right now, okay? So you were voted captain. Big fucking deal. I’m sure Jet orchestrated it as retaliation for that stupid article in the paper. The joke’s on me, huh?”
“Jet didn’t orchestrate anything.”
He gives a short, mocking laugh. “Yeah, right.”
His words sting. “Please say you don’t mean that.”
“Fine. I don’t mean it,” he says unconvincingly.
I glance at Monika and Trey, who are trying their best to pretend they’re not listening to our argument.
I try to swallow, but there’s a lump in my throat as I say what’s been on my mind ever since Dieter wrote my name on the board this morning. “You . . . you don’t think I deserve to be captain, do you?”
He doesn’t answer.