“Almost halftime,” Austin groans from next to me as he hands a Gatorade bottle to Nicole Plesac, the best player on the Barnwich High girls’ basketball team.
I glance up at the clock to see there are still ten whole minutes left in the quarter.
“Almost?” I snort as Nicole chucks the bottle in our direction and jogs back onto the court. The two of us flail in an attempt to grab it before it hits the ground.
This stellar athletic prowess is exactly why we’ve been forced to manage the team since freshman year. Barnwich High is small enough to have a “play or manage” sports requirement, and managing girls’ basketball not only got us out of gym class but felt like the safest option. Indoors. Great concessions. Short games.
Sometimes not short enough.
“Psst! Beckett!”
I turn around to see Maya laughing and enjoying herself with Finn and his two football buddies, L.J. and Antonio, up in the bleachers. She’s actually good at soccer, so she doesn’t have to worry about filling water bottles and washing pinnies that smell like fermented armpit.
When our eyes meet, she super-not-casually jerks her head in the direction of the cheerleaders and mouths, “Taylor. Keeps. Looking. At. You.”
Finn gives me a big grin and a thumbs-up, while L.J. wiggles his eyebrows suggestively beside him, but I roll my eyes and turn back to face the court. Despite myself, though, I casually push a strand of hair behind my ear, then peek over to where the cheerleaders are standing in Barnwich green and white.
And, sure enough, Taylor Hill is looking at me.
She flashes me a smile, white teeth glinting in the fluorescent gym lighting.
I do an awkward wave and try for my own sparkling smile, but it’s like my facial muscles have forgotten how. Before I can embarrass myself any further, I lean forward, using Austin as a human shield.
“Smooth,” he says, and I glare up at him, wanting the waxed hardwood floor to suck me in, never to be seen or heard from again.
I manage to make it to halftime before glancing back over at Taylor. While Austin and I hand out water and towels to the team, Taylor and the rest of the cheerleaders jog onto the court, performing cartwheels and flips that would for sure break my neck. I watch her move just past Coach Gleason’s shoulder, and, well…
Yeah.
There’s no denying she’s nice to look at.
Nice face, nice hair, nice…
My cheeks turn red and I look away, busying myself with putting the bottles back in the carrier.
I mean, maybe I am expecting too much too soon. Maybe this could be the start of something?
Austin looks up from his phone as I sit down next to him and shake myself out of my Taylor-Hill-filled thoughts. “Finn just told me everyone’s going to Barnwich Brews after the game for hot chocolate. Which is great, because I think I’ve finally nailed the perfect base for the competition. Rich and sweet, but not too sweet, you know what I mean?” he says, thumbs already tapping out a reply. The hot chocolate competition is a big deal around here. The winner gets a cash prize, Barnwich notoriety, and the honor of pulling the switch at the Christmas tree lighting. It’s a sixty-year-old tradition, but the honor of pulling the switch was added the winter before last in an attempt to lure in out-of-towners to compete. Which hasn’t really happened.
One thing I know for sure, though, is that this is Austin’s year to win it. He’s been working tirelessly to perfect his recipe, and he’s already breezed through three rounds of heated competition to make the finals.
He nudges me, his eyebrows rising questioningly. “You in?”
I open my mouth. “Ugh. I want to, but I have to put out a small fire with the paper. Kendall messed up the formatting on—”
“Hi!”
I’m cut off mid-sentence as an out-of-breath Taylor Hill plunks down onto the bench in between us, her arm brushing against mine.
“Hi,” I say as her blue eyes study my face beneath her sparkling silver eye shadow.
She smells nice. Fresh. Like clean laundry.
“Are you going to Barnwich Brews after the game?”
“We were just talking about that!” Austin says, giving me a mischievous grin over Taylor’s head. “She was about to make up some excuse about something to do with the school paper.”
“You should come,” Taylor says, and nudges me. “I’d love to hang out with you more.”
“Well, I… umm.” I stumble, something about her confidence and the way she’s looking at me knocking me off my guard the tiniest bit. Something about it is familiar. Almost… challenging.
For a minute I see Arden across the booth from me at Edie’s, leaning forward, the dare in her eyes before it’s even on her lips.
I push the image away, but the challenge remains. I mean, I could ask Caleb Harvey to put out the fire. He’s a shoo-in for editor in chief next year and always eager to help. Sometimes a little too eager. But it would be nice not to worry about my application or school or the paper for just one night. To worry about something or someone else for a change. I think again of those glassy eyes, how different that person is now. Maybe I could be different too if I just said yes for once. “Yeah, I, uh… I… Caleb Harvey? He could maybe…”
“Caleb Harvey can what?” Taylor asks, an amused smile on her face.
“The newspaper… he can…” I shake my head, trying to get my shit together. “Yeah, I guess I can hang out for a bit.”
Wow. Way to play it cool, Beckett.
“Taylor!” Coach Stevens, the cheerleading coach, calls, hands on her hips. She jerks her head in the direction of the rest of the squad, dark ponytail swinging.
“Gotta go,” Taylor says, casually reaching up to pluck a piece of lint off my shoulder. “See you after the game.”
“See you,” I call after her a beat too late, and Austin lets out a low whistle.
“Phew. That was painful.” He scooches closer, closing the gap Taylor made. “Guess Julie Shapiro didn’t show you any moves up at camp.”
I snort and shake my head. “Oh, shut up.”
After our team wins the game, we head out with Maya to meet everyone at Finn’s pickup truck, parked underneath the orange glow of a lamppost.
“So, Beckett,” Antonio says when we approach, exchanging a look with L.J., both of them grinning. “Taylor Hill?”
“Shut up, Antonio,” Maya and Finn say at the same time. Finn reaches out to pull Antonio’s black beanie down over his face for good measure.
Austin slips his hand into Finn’s and Finn quickly looks up, blue eyes wide. “Babe, your hand is freezing. Where are the gloves I got you?”
I smile and tilt my head back to watch the falling snow, white specks against the grayish-orange sky, while Austin makes up some excuse to avoid telling Finn he would rather be caught dead than wear red leather gloves.
“It’s freezing out here,” I mutter as I shuffle from foot to foot, wishing I hadn’t worn a skirt to school today and pretended that my sheer black stockings actually had the ability to keep my legs warm.
“I know, right?” a voice says behind me. Before I can turn, a warm letterman jacket slips onto my shoulders. Taylor appears at my side with Lindsay, L.J.’s girlfriend and her co-captain on the cheer squad.
L.J. lets out a low whistle as he puts an arm around Lindsay. “Hill, I’ll give it to you. That was smooth.”
“Yeah,” Lindsay says. She looks up at him, patting his chest. “Maybe you can learn something.”
He opens and closes his mouth as everyone laughs. I cast a sideways glance at Taylor, who’s rubbing her arms with a small smile on her face, still radiating confidence while I blush from head to toe.
Finn nods to his truck. “Ready to go?”
“Finn. We are not all fitting in there,” Maya says even as Antonio throws open the back door and dives in.
“Sure we can! It’s like… a half mile away.”
Everyone piles inside, giggling as we struggle for seat space. Being the shortest, I somehow end up on top of the pile, with my face pressed up against the cold window while we all shift into position: L.J. with Lindsay on his lap, Antonio with half a cheek on the seat, Maya practically underneath him, Taylor…
Taylor practically underneath me.
“Everybody hold on,” Finn calls from the front, and my eyes meet Austin’s in the rearview mirror as Taylor wraps her arms around my waist, taking Finn’s suggestion to heart.
“Is this okay?” she whispers into my shoulder, and I nod, but my cheeks turn red again as the truck lurches forward and my hand reflexively grabs ahold of her arm to steady myself.
“Sorry!” Finn calls before pulling out of the parking lot and down the road into town much more slowly. I quickly slide my hand off her arm, but her grip on me doesn’t waver.
The ride isn’t far, but the whole time I’m too distracted to pay much attention to the conversations around me. Is my hair in her face? Did I remember to put on deodorant? Is my butt crushing her thigh? Why did I leave the paper in Caleb Harvey’s delicate little hands? Did I leave the oven on?
I finally remember to breathe when we pull into a space right outside Barnwich Brews’ cool black exterior, a Christmas-light-wrapped sign swaying lightly in the breeze.
I push the truck door open immediately, but Taylor’s arms wait a beat before releasing me. Once they do, I tumble less than gracefully onto the sidewalk. I nod hello to a group of elves jingling past after wrapping presents at the toy store as I right myself and smooth out my skirt.
Maya links her arm with mine as we head inside, leaning in to whisper, “Relax, Caroline.”
Me? Relax? That would be a first in eighteen years of life. I try anyway, taking a long, deep breath, the warm smell of coffee filling my nose.
“You don’t have to date her. You don’t have to like her! Just, you know, see if maybe you could.”
Yeah. Okay. I think I can do that.
I nod and she gives my arm a squeeze.
Austin gets to work on our hot chocolates, mixing and measuring a powder he pulls from a plastic bag that just happens to be tucked into a pocket of his backpack. His brow furrows in concentration as he works, his movements careful. Precise.
Finn lets out a wolf whistle as we watch from the other side of the counter, and Austin can’t help but crack a smile. Then he looks up from his concoction with a halfhearted glare.
“Finn. I swear I won’t make you one if you make me mess up the temperature.”
Finn’s eyes widen, and he mimes locking up his lips and throwing away the key.
We watch Austin pour and sift, then finally add the perfect amount of whipped cream to each mug before we grab them and pile into a booth in the back. Taylor slides in beside me, and I see her take a sip, then reach her hand up quickly to wipe off the milk-foam mustache left behind.
I remember thinking how cool she was when she came out. One of the most popular girls in school, on the cheerleading squad, homecoming queen material, a lesbian. And now she’s so casually and sweetly putting her very cozy letterman jacket over my shoulders. For a moment I can start to see it. The classic high school experience with a sapphic little twist. Kissing in between classes in the back stairwell or at halftime after her routines, study dates at Barnwich Brews with Taylor reading my articles in the corner booth, pancakes at Edie’s with our friends, holding hands at the Christmas tree lighting, the glow of the lights feeling maybe a little less melancholy.
So, when her leg brushes up against mine, I…
I don’t move mine away.
I try to keep thinking of what could be, but somehow the contact makes me think instead of what was. A dark-haired girl’s knee knocking into mine, her brown eyes gleaming mischievously on a snowy winter day, sleds clutched in our hands as we skipped school, all red noses and icy fingers. Back when I had not just a best friend, but a crush so big it felt like it couldn’t possibly be contained inside me. Like one day my heart would just stop from the weight of feeling so much for her.
Part of me is glad she left when she did, because there’s no way I could have kept that secret if I had to be close to her for one more winter. And if I had told her, having her say she didn’t feel the same might have been the only thing that could have hurt more than watching her car drive away.