WHEN HE GOT home there were suitcases on the veranda. And a pram.
Had she decided to leave? Straight away?
That produced a moment’s panic, then he took a couple of deep breaths and switched himself back into swim mode, forcing himself to think this through.
The pram was with the baggage. That meant...she was taking Lily with her?
Confused, he edged past the baggage and headed for the kitchen.
What met him was a scene of domesticity. Misty was sitting at the kitchen table, cradling Lily. This was a cleaner, fresher version of Misty. Her curls were neatly brushed. She was wearing clean jeans and a shirt, her face looked scrubbed and somehow...she looked a little younger? That’d be from a decent sleep, he thought, congratulating himself on giving her that. The baby in her arms was absorbed in a bottle—damn, she’d woken earlier than expected, but at least Misty had had the night off.
Forrest was intent on dipping toast soldiers into a boiled egg. He glanced up as Angus appeared and then quickly down again, as though scared someone might have caught him looking.
Misty didn’t look up from the baby.
‘You’re leaving?’ Possibly it wasn’t the wisest start to a conversation, but it was front and centre in his mind.
‘Good morning to you, too,’ Misty said. She glanced up briefly, then went back to focusing on keeping the bottle steady, keeping Lily’s feed undisturbed. ‘Did you have a good swim?’
‘A great swim,’ he told her. ‘I’m glad you found breakfast.’
‘We found everything we needed,’ she said. ‘Except you.’ And then, as Forrest finished his last toast soldier, she turned to him. ‘Forrest, could you go clean your teeth and then maybe have one last swing in Dr Firth’s garden? We only have half an hour before the taxi arrives.’
‘You’ve booked a taxi?’ he asked, cautiously, as Forrest cast him a fearful look and then bolted past him for the door—as if Angus himself was something to be feared.
‘I have. I’ve made a mistake,’ she told him. ‘So I need to fix it as fast as possible. We have a flight at midday.’
‘We?’
‘The three of us.’
He wasn’t sure where this was going. He stood against the wall, feeling its solidness behind him. He needed it. Last night his world had changed and it seemed it was about to change again.
‘You’re taking Lily home?’
‘No,’ she said shortly. ‘I told you, I can’t do that. I’ve looked at it every which way. I don’t have the resources to care for her and I can’t afford to fall for her...any deeper than I already have. But I’ve been in contact with Social Services from the moment they found me. They placed her in my custody. There seemed no choice. But there is a choice now and they know what I’m doing. So...’ She took a deep breath and seemed to brace.
‘The idea was that if you didn’t want, or couldn’t accept, custody then I’d hand her to them,’ she told him. ‘It was always part of the plan when I brought her to you. She’ll go into foster care—and you needn’t look like that, you’re a doctor, you know foster carers are awesome. Lily will only be given to carers who have the time and resources to give her what she needs, affection and security. From there she’ll go on the list for adoption. There are so many potential parents out there aching for a baby—she’ll find the loving home she deserves.’
‘I thought,’ he said slowly, ‘that I agreed I might take her.’
‘And then you proved you couldn’t.’
‘I’m sorry, what?’
‘You walked out on her. You had the responsibility for one night and you ended up propping her outside my room and leaving.’
‘That’s hardly fair. I knew you’d wake.’
‘You knew no such thing,’ Misty snapped. Lily had finished her bottle and was now drifting towards sleep, cradled against Misty’s breast, as if she belonged. Misty glanced down and her face changed. And Angus thought...was that grief he saw? Regardless, her voice softened.
‘You know nothing about me,’ she whispered, still looking at her niece. ‘Nothing. My sister was on drugs. She was totally irresponsible, so how do you know I’m not the same?’
‘I assumed...’
‘You assumed what? That I hadn’t taken sleeping pills or worse? That I’d wake and jump straight back into caring mode?’
‘She’s survived this far, so you can’t be all that bad.’ He said it lightly, even attempting a smile. He didn’t get one in return.
‘You didn’t know that.’
‘You have Forrest.’ He was starting to sound defensive and that annoyed him. ‘You obviously care.’
‘Does Forrest look like a child who’s been cared for his whole life?’
‘You explained...’
‘And you believed,’ she said flatly. ‘Because you wanted to go swimming. You’re a medical professional. Even without the personal ties here, to walk out on the job without handover...how responsible is that?’
‘Misty...’
‘Enough,’ she said wearily. ‘This was a dumb plan from the start. I was too tired to think straight. Yes, I needed to let you know about Lily, but it was dumb to think you’d take one look at her and turn into a loving dad.’ She closed her eyes for a moment and he could still see pain. ‘But you see, I had a romantic, stupid hope that you’d fall so hard that fostering, adoption, would be out of the question.’
‘I do want her.’ But did he? He heard his own uncertainty and could have kicked himself.
‘Then you’ll need to fight for her.’ She rose, lifting Lily with her. ‘You know, once upon a time, when I was a little girl, maybe about six or seven, our next-door neighbour’s cat had kittens and I wanted one. I wanted one so badly. But Mrs Baginski told me I could only have one if I paid five dollars. She said I could take the kitten home and ask Mum. So I ran all the way home and pleaded with Mum, but of course there was no five dollars.’
‘Ouch.’
‘Ouch is right,’ she said. ‘So I had to take the kitten back and I cried so hard, and Mrs Baginski seemed really sad, too, but she said if my mum wouldn’t pay five dollars, then she wouldn’t think the kitten was worth anything and she wouldn’t care for it. And you know what? She was right.’
‘But...’ To say he was confused was an understatement. ‘What’s that got to do with me?’
‘Everything. I was about to hand you your daughter for free. I should have known better.’
‘You mean...you’re comparing Lily to a kitten?’ His voice was incredulous.
‘I know what I mean,’ she said. ‘And I think you do, too.’
‘If she’s my daughter... I have rights.’
‘Then fight for them,’ she said, suddenly harsh. ‘I became Lily’s carer because there was no one else and she’s definitely my niece, but with parentage unproven, you have no rights at all. You know now that she may or may not be your daughter. Now it’s up to you.’
‘I’ve told you. I’ll take her.’
‘That’s big of you, I don’t think,’ she snapped. ‘How will you take care of her?’
‘I’ll sort it. I’ll get a nanny.’
‘She doesn’t need a nanny. She needs love.’
‘I’ll take care...’
‘I said love,’ she said, even more harshly. ‘And I was an idiot to think that could happen on sight. So now she’s coming back to Brisbane with me and I’ll hand her over to foster care. The steps for adoption will begin. If you want any say, then you’ll need to fight.’
‘Fight...’
‘For one, you’ll need to prove to the authorities, not just to me, that you’re her dad. You’ll need to put in a court application for DNA testing, then you’ll need to prove to Social Services that you’re responsible. Then prove, really prove, that you want custody, that she’ll get a good life with you. And believe me, after the start she’s had, Social Services are going to be tough to convince. But that’s my equivalent of the five-dollar test, Dr Firth, and after your actions this morning, it’s set in stone. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to give Forrest one last push on the swing.’
‘You can’t just go.’
‘Watch me,’ she said, weariness coming back into her voice. ‘You have no grounds to ask me to stay. I made a mistake by coming.’
‘You didn’t make a mistake. I needed to know...of her existence.’
‘Well, now you do. It’s up to you what you do next.’
He glanced again at Lily, at her little face drifting into replete sleep, and his gut seemed to lurch. Then he looked up at Misty’s face and what he saw there...
Desolation? Pain? This was killing her, he thought suddenly. Handing over a baby...
‘You already love her,’ he said, with a note of discovery, and she flinched.
‘I can’t afford to.’ Her voice dropped to almost a whisper. ‘I just...can’t. My grandmother... Forrest...they need me so much and if I don’t work there’s no money for anything. This trip has already cost me far more than I can afford, so please, Dr Firth, stand aside and let us go.”
He had no choice. He helped put her gear into the taxi. Then he stood on the veranda as she tucked Lily into her baby seat, as she fixed Forrest into his seat belt and then she climbed in after him. Forrest gave a very tentative wave, but Misty stared straight ahead.
He stood, feeling like...a king-sized rat?
Maybe he should be relieved, he thought, as the taxi disappeared. He didn’t want responsibility. The last thing he wanted was family.
Misty had family in spades.
She was ridding herself of it, though, or at least part of it. She was about to pass Lily on to unknown bureaucrats, so nameless people could take care of his daughter.
His daughter?
The whole situation could still be wrong, he told himself. Maybe this was the way to go, put the child in care until it was proven either way.
The child.
His daughter.
No. Don’t think of her like that, wait until it’s proven. Relax.
But the confusion he was feeling about Lily was also overshadowed by his impressions of the woman who’d just left. Of the pain he’d seen on her face.
She already loved this baby.
And suddenly he was hit by a sweep of emotions so strong it made him feel dizzy. Was she feeling what he’d felt? The pain of loss... The sheer effort of ensuring he never got so close again...
Misty loved. He knew it. She loved Forrest and she also loved this unknown grandmother. There were probably more people she loved, who knew? And now she was giving away a baby...because she loved?
The story of the kitten was suddenly front and centre. He could see a six-year-old Misty carrying a tiny kitten home to her mother and could imagine what reaction she’d have received. He found himself flinching on her behalf, then remembering the pain he’d seen in her eyes as she’d left.
She’d wanted this to be a happy outcome, he thought. Maybe she’d hoped that one look at Lily would have seen him melt, that the love she obviously already had would be instantly felt by him.
That was a fool’s hope. He didn’t do love.
The memory of those last few days by his little brother’s bedside were suddenly crowding in again, as they’d crowded in over and over ever since...
Hell.
He raked his fingers through his salt-stiff hair and tried to sort facts from the myriad of unwanted emotions.
One thing stood out—it had to. If Lily was indeed his daughter, then despite his emotions, despite unwanted memories, he had to act. There was something hard wired inside him that absolutely rejected the idea of handing her over to foster care. It wasn’t love, he told himself—how could it be? It was duty.
The duty that had seen him walk away this morning? Leave her outside Misty’s door?
That had been reasonable, he told himself, but maybe he shouldn’t have... Shouldn’t have...
Hell, he was so confused. But as he stood there watching the empty driveway, but still seeing the conflict on Misty’s face, he knew he had to do something.
She’d said their plane left at midday. It was now only a little after nine and from here it was less than half an hour’s drive to the airport. That meant she’d have two hours to wait for the plane, but she’d clearly thought it was preferable to spend time there rather than here.
Two hours.
Come on, Firth, he told himself. You don’t want family. You don’t want this. You were conned into fatherhood, so why should you care?
It wasn’t Misty who conned you. He was arguing with himself. And it’s not her baby. Why should she care?
She does and you know damned well that it’s going to kill her to hand Lily over to the authorities.
He stood silent, the minutes ticking by as he fought conflicting emotions. But there was a bottom line. No matter how much he’d been tricked into fatherhood, if Lily was indeed his daughter then the responsibility was his. Misty had told him what his five-dollar test was. He’d need to go through bureaucratic hoops to win her back. Maybe he could do that, but meanwhile Misty would be handing over...a baby she already loved?
Was that his imagination? Fantasy?
He knew it wasn’t.
He hardly knew Misty, but still he flinched inwardly at the thought of her handing her—his?—baby to strangers.
She didn’t deserve that sort of pain.
So circumvent it, he told himself harshly. Take responsibility.
Was he nuts? How much more sensible would it be to head for his bedroom and get the sleep he hadn’t had the night before?
He couldn’t do it. Something he didn’t understand was demanding he act and it was demanding he act now.