IT WAS ALMOST midday when Angus finally pulled his board from the water. He’d surfed until sheer physical fatigue forced him to stop. He usually found peace in the surf, but it wasn’t there.
His carefully built defences against emotional pain seemed to have been shattered.
Why? How had this happened?
He was trying to shove emotion out of the picture, trying to focus on practicalities. He could cope with a future with Lily, he told himself. And being terrified of the sort of scene that had played out last night was dumb.
He needed to persuade Misty to stay in touch, he decided, to have her during school holidays, that sort of thing. And if Lily was upset, if she needed comfort he couldn’t give her, then surely Misty would be only a phone call away.
And that was the sticking point. That was what was gnawing away in his gut.
Why did it seem so much better for Misty to be in Melbourne rather than here?
It’d be better for Forrest, he told himself, and it’d be better for Alice. Surely she could see that. It was a practical solution for them all.
Why did it hurt so much that she refused?
But, logical or not, it did hurt and he couldn’t stop it hurting.
Finally he gave up. A man could only surf for so long, the wind was building and he probably shouldn’t be surfing in such an isolated place anyway. He had a responsibility to Lily that he not get washed out to sea.
And that thought raised more questions. What would happen to Lily if he died? He’d have to change his will, he decided. He could leave everything to Misty, in a trust for Lily. Misty might even come to Melbourne and take care of the kids.
Was she refusing to come to Melbourne because of him? Was her rejection of his proposal all about him?
So many questions. No answers. Finally he caught one last wave, dried himself, loaded the board back on the car and headed for home.
He’d chosen a tiny beach at the south of the island. He’d found it a few days back when he’d taken Lily for a drive. He’d wanted to surf alone and this cove had seemed even more isolated than the one where he and Misty had...had...
Don’t go there.
But his head was still there as he drove. He was still thinking of Misty, of that kiss, of that moment—until he topped the headland before the little town and saw a helicopter taking off from beside the clinic.
What the...what had happened while he’d been away?
He swore and pulled over, flipping open his phone. Twelve missed calls, all from Jodie. They must have come through while he surfed.
There must be real trouble.
And he thought... Lily?
That was dumb, he decided, as he pulled back on to the road and put his foot on the accelerator. It’d be someone else. Some accident.
But twelve calls? That felt like panic. Why would Jodie panic? It must be Lily.
Or Alice?
Or Misty?
What if something had happened to Misty?
His gut clenched and for a moment he thought he might be ill.
‘You’re catastrophising,’ he told himself sharply, but his gut refused to unclench. Then he reached the house and Jodie was running down the driveway to meet him. Yelling.
‘Where the hell have you been?’ This was so unlike Jodie. She was just one of his mates, cool, professional, unemotional.
She didn’t sound unemotional now.
‘You know I’ve been surfing,’ he said as he reached her. ‘Jodie...’
‘Stuff surfing. We think Lily has intussusception. She’s in real trouble. We called for Medic evacuation. The chopper’s on its way to Brisbane now and we have a neonatal team on standby. Misty’s gone with her.’
And his world seemed to stop.
Lily.
He’d thought he couldn’t care. The fact that he did, and he did so much, almost blindsided him.
For the last three weeks he’d been cradling his little girl against his body almost all the time she’d been awake. He’d fed her, washed her, talked to her, rocked her, seen her first smile...
When he looked at her he saw his brother.
When he looked at her he saw himself.
Intussusception! It was an awful thing. Agony. The thought of his baby... His daughter...
And in that moment he knew. Dear God, he loved her. The knowledge was so blinding that he felt as though he’d been physically struck. He couldn’t escape the ties he’d spent so long avoiding. He already had them.
‘Misty’s with her?’ he managed.
‘Someone had to go.’
‘I should have...’
‘Yeah,’ she said, but then her voice softened. ‘But you weren’t here and Misty was and, by the look on her face as she arrived, I think Lily’s in the best of hands. I’m thinking Misty loves Lily as much as you do.’
He stared blindly at her, hardly hearing. The words didn’t make sense. ‘I need to get there.’
‘I was trying to contact you before the chopper left, but now... There’s nothing you can do that Misty can’t do.’
‘I still need to go.’
‘I don’t think you can for a few hours,’ she said bluntly. ‘It’s the weekend so there’s few ferries. The last one left at twelve and the next one’s not until this evening. Misty’ll ring if there’s news.
‘But I have to go,’ he said and there was desperation in his voice.
‘Well, well.’ Jodie managed a rueful grimace. ‘So there goes another member of our All Care And No Responsibility Squad.’ Her smile faded and she shook her head. ‘No matter. There’s no way you can get over there until tonight, unless you highjack a fishing boat. Even those’ll take a while—they’re built for fishing, not for speed. Misty will ring once there’s anything to report. If it’s me she rings I’ll let you know at once.’
Of course Misty would ring Jodie, he thought. Jodie was the referring doctor.
But he? He was Lily’s father.
Except he’d surfed while his little girl fought for her life.
It was just as well Misty cared, he thought bleakly.
Why should she ring him? He didn’t deserve anything.
Four p.m. There’d been a terrifying helicopter flight with Lily’s condition deteriorating before her eyes. But the paramedics had been awesome, as had the radiologists who’d been on standby the moment they reached the hospital. The diagnosis had been confirmed. Lily had now been in theatre for over two hours and Misty was going out of her mind.
But she wasn’t going out of her mind alone. An hour after she’d been ushered into the family waiting area, the door opened and Alice had wheeled herself in, Forrest by her side.
‘We knew there wouldn’t be room for us on the chopper, but the midday ferry was due to leave just as we found out what was happening,’ Alice had told her. ‘So I rang and asked them to wait and they did. I’ve promised to make the crew a big batch of lamingtons in return.’
‘And Gran said I could stay with Aunty Cath,’ Forrest had added, again sounding much older than his years. ‘But Lily’s my sister and I thought I ought to come.’
‘So how are things?’ Alice had asked and they’d both fallen silent as she’d told them.
Then Misty had hugged them both and cried a little, then they’d all settled for the excruciating wait.
Alice was now dozing in her chair. Forrest had played with the toys the nurse had brought him and then decided to nap himself, stretching out on three seats, snuggled in blankets. Even in sleep, though, he held Misty’s hand.
The contact helped, Misty thought, as the hours dragged on. Their presence helped.
But it didn’t help enough. If only she’d been with her... If she’d held Lily tight... If she’d been a mum to her...
‘This is not your fault,’ Alice had said to her earlier. ‘Angus is her dad. I don’t know what he was thinking, going out of contact. It’s him that should be with her now.’
‘She’s ours,’ Misty said. ‘She always was and you know it.’
‘Yes, but she’s his, too,’ Alice had retorted. ‘So why isn’t he here?’
And suddenly he was.
The door swung open—not the door that led to the theatre suites, the door she’d been watching for hours, but the door to the corridor that led to the outside world.
His hair stiff with salt. He was wearing jeans and an ancient T-shirt, and on his sand-encrusted feet were disreputable leather sandals.
He looked...haggard.
‘Misty,’ he said as he saw her, and at that, all her resolve, all her common sense flew right out the window. Forrest’s hand was disengaged and she was up and he was gathering her into his arms and hugging her as if he’d never let go.
She cried.
Oh, for heaven’s sake, how many times had she cried on this man? She was a doctor, a clinician, a professional.
She didn’t feel like a professional. She felt like...a mum?
Somehow she pulled back and what she saw left her stunned.
There were tears running down Angus’s cheeks.
They stared at each other for a long moment—and then somehow Misty pulled herself together—sort of—and reached for the tissue box the nurse had strategically left within reach.
‘I can’t offer you a monogramed hankie,’ she said, somehow mustering a shaky smile as she handled him tissues and used a wad herself.
He didn’t manage a smile in return.
‘Misty, I’m so sorry. I can’t...’ He shook his head as though shaking off a nightmare. ‘How...?’
‘I don’t know anything other than intussusception has been confirmed and she’s been in theatre for two hours.’
‘Two hours!’
‘They must be repairing...’
But her voice faltered and she couldn’t go on. Sometimes intussusception could be remedied by manoeuvring the intestine back into position, but if there’d been a rupture...
‘Hell,’ he groaned. ‘Oh, God, Misty...’
‘I know.’
‘Thank heaven you...’
‘No. It was Jodie and her friends, but you’d have diagnosed it if you were there.’
‘I should have been.’
‘I’ve been thinking about that.’ She took a deep breath. ‘When Jodie first rang I was angry that they couldn’t find you. I thought you mustn’t care. But I’ve had a few hours to think now and I was wrong. Lily’s almost three months old and you’re living with friends who are also doctors. Jodie said she was deeply asleep when you left and, for heaven’s sake, even the most besotted parents need to have some time out. And for you... I’m starting to realise that last night must have been dreadful.’
He shook his head, but she put a hand on his arm and soldiered on.
‘Please, no guilt, Angus. Pretend you had to go to the dentist for a root canal if that’ll make you feel better. It would have been exactly the same—there are times when you need to leave.’ And then she frowned. ‘But...how exactly did you get here?’
‘It seems you can’t ring charter companies on Sunday afternoons,’ he told her. ‘But one of my surfing mates is an airline pilot based here. He’s friends with some chopper pilots and one of them knew someone well enough to ask.’
‘Wow...’
‘So Alice and Forrest?’ He signalled to the pair who hadn’t stirred.
‘They highjacked a ferry, using lamingtons as bait,’ she told him. ‘Like me, they had to be here. And that brings me to what I need to say.’ She took a deep breath. This was momentous, but it was the only decision available. ‘So, Angus, no blame about tonight, absolutely none, but Alice and Forrest and I... What we need to say... Angus, we’ve talked about it and if you agree...if you feel you really can’t love her, then we need to keep her. We need to keep Lily.’
Silence—and then she went on in a rush.
‘Angus, Lily is Forrest’s sister and he knows that. She’s Alice’s great-grandchild and she’s my niece. That doesn’t outweigh the fact that she’s your daughter, but it seems you have demons you can’t help, demons you might not be able to get past. Now I know about your brother...your family... I get it. But, Angus, the good thing about families is that we can be a team. There’ll be no judgement. You’ll still be her dad, but we’d like to keep her. She feels...like ours.’
He stared at her, expressionless. ‘That’s not what you said three weeks ago.’
‘It wasn’t,’ she said. ‘We... I was tired and distressed and shocked. I was coming to terms with Jancie’s death and, to be honest, there was also a fair bit of anger in the mix. But we’ve had time now and, thanks to you, we’ve had space to see things clearly. And today...’ Her voice cracked a little. ‘Tonight we’ve come close to losing her. We still may, but please God, if we don’t, when she comes home we’re hoping she can come home to us. With you in the background if you like, but the responsibility will be ours.’
‘You can’t manage.’
She tilted her chin at that. ‘Watch us,’ she said and then she paused and regrouped. Said what had to be said.
‘There’ll be sacrifices,’ she said. ‘The island won’t get the medical care it deserves, but I suspect when we lay it on the line we may get help. I need to learn to share a bit more, let the islanders bring Forrest and Lily up, not just me. Much as I’d love to be hands on...’
‘I can be hands on.’
‘But you don’t want to be,’ she said, gently now. ‘We know you’ll do your best, we know that, but loving’s not just doing your best. Loving’s throwing your heart in the ring, never mind that it might get battered. Alice did that for me—she loved me and before that she loved my mother. Did I tell you that Alice wasn’t my mum’s birth mother?—Alice adopted her as a troubled teen. But she loved her, no matter what, and she’s loved Jancie and me, and now she loves Forrest. And today...’ She gave a rueful smile. ‘Do you know how hard it is to make lamingtons when you’re sitting in a wheelchair? No matter, she’s promised them regardless, because she had to get over here.
‘So there you are, Angus. You’re off the hook. You might choose to have access—maybe you can come up to the island every now and then to surf. You might teach Lily to surf. And also...’ She hesitated, but then forged on. ‘Alice says I have to ask. If you’re able to help financially, just for Lily’s costs, we would welcome that with relief.’
But then she faltered. The emotion of the last few hours, the tension, this man’s presence...she’d been trying so hard to sound sensible, to talk practicalities, but she couldn’t go on. The reality of what was happening behind those beige doors was all too real.
‘I don’t know why I’m talking of this now,’ she said, and swiped the tears away again. ‘It all depends...it has to depend...’
‘On whether she makes it?’ He could hardly say it.
She nodded, then sat down hard on the seat beside Forrest.
‘Sorry. For everything that I said. It was unfair to throw that at you. All I need to say is that we love her and we want her.’
‘I want her.’
She shook her head. ‘That’s just today talking. You know you don’t...’
But then the beige doors swung open.
Alice and Forrest woke up and the surgeon was clearing his throat before saying, very gently, ‘It’s done and we think she’ll make it.’
And nothing, not one thing, mattered more than that.
Lily not only lived, she decided to thrive.
She needed to stay in hospital for a few days. Her intestines would be temporarily slowed, so she needed intravenous fluids, plus pain relief, but everything was looking good. She was sometimes even smiling up at them from her little hospital cot.
So she recovered, while Angus tried to figure out where to go from here. His world seemed as though it had been picked up and shaken; nothing seemed the right way up.
All he knew was that he needed to stay with Lily.
And with Misty.
Alice and Forrest returned to the island. ‘Now our Lily’s decided to live, I have lamingtons to bake,’ Alice declared. ‘But there’s a problem. Cath’s offered to help, but rolling them in the icing is a job for at least two. What about it, Forrest?’
Forrest wavered, but the hospital accommodation was boring, Misty was preoccupied, and finally he decided the lamington option was a good one.
Misty stayed on at the hospital, on a trundle bed beside Lily.
Angus got himself a hotel room.
‘You don’t need to stay,’ Misty told him.
There were all sorts of things he should say to that, but he chose the easiest. ‘What am I to do if I go back to the island? Surf?’
He waited for Misty to make some comment. Instead she simply nodded.
Was she glad he was staying? He didn’t have a clue. She was spending all her time with Lily, talking to her, holding her tiny hand, helping the nurses do what needed to be done.
And Angus sat and watched and tried to come to terms with this new order. With the way his world seemed to have changed.
For now his world was still. The cubicle containing Lily’s cot seemed like a cocoon, cut off from the outside world, making every other thing seem irrelevant. He wasn’t needed—he knew it—but leaving seemed unthinkable.
So he stayed and sometimes it almost felt as though he was keeping guard. Keeping watch over his family?
That concept occurred to him on the second day, when a nurse bustled in and offered him lunch. ‘There’s food available for the parents,’ she told him, ‘and Misty’s included. We’ll put you on the list as well.’
There was the assumption, that he and Misty were a unit. Mum and Dad. Family. It should have him backing away. Instead it was starting to sound...right.
Family?
There were so many questions in his head it was making him dizzy, but all he could do was sit and watch and wait for things to settle.
He just wasn’t sure where that would be, but more and more he knew who he wanted to be with when that happened.
With Misty.
He watched her as she cared for his daughter. He watched her as she made Lily smile. He watched her as she kept her watch over the little girl in the cot, as she touched Lily’s hand and let her tiny baby fingers curl around hers.
And as he watched, as he saw tenderness and unmistakable love, he felt ashamed. The courage she’d shown, to care for Forrest, to care for her gran and the islanders, and now, to care for Lily... She was...
No. There were no words to convey the surge of emotion washing through him.
Lily had to stay with her, he thought. But him?
‘Come and cuddle,’ she told him more than once, but he didn’t. He needed to sort himself out. He couldn’t make false promises, to allow Lily to think of him as her dad. He couldn’t afford to show emotion, to let Misty see what he was feeling...
If he did that he was lost.
But was he lost already? What was he losing by walking away?
Then, on the day the paediatric surgeon announced he was delighted with Lily’s progress and he thought he might discharge her the next day, the emotions in his head coalesced into knowledge. And fear.
Misty was about to take her home, but him?
Where was home? Where the heart was? He’d heard that somewhere, read it on a corny card or something.
A nurse came in to take Lily’s obs. She’d been awake for a while. Misty had been cuddling her, playing peek a boo with her fingers, making her smile. Now the little girl had drifted into a gentle sleep.
He watched them both and as he did, finally, finally things seemed to settle.
And if they were settled, if he were to do this thing, if he was to say what he needed to say, he had to do it now.
‘If we were to go for a walk,’ Angus asked the nurse, feeling as though he was treading on egg shells, but also feeling, for the first time, like a man with a plan... ‘If I take Misty out for a bit, could you promise to ring us the moment Lily wakes?’
And the nurse beamed. She’d been on duty every daytime shift of Lily’s admission and she’d seen how Misty had hardly moved from Lily’s side.
‘Of course,’ she said. ‘Your little girl’s so settled and you need a break. I’m thinking you have two or three hours before she wakes. But I’ll leave the curtains open and I promise I’ll ring the moment she does. I’m thinking a walk would be what you most need.’
‘Misty?’ he said, and Misty turned from the cot. She looked a bit dazed.
Her world had changed, too, Angus thought. In these last weeks, since her decision to hand Lily over, she’d now...fallen in love?
Of course she had. Love seemed to be a Misty specialty.
Could it be his? Could he find the courage?
She was rising now, looking doubtfully at him, but she allowed herself to be ushered out, into the lifts, out of the hospital and down to the river.
Brisbane’s river was bordered by a swathe of parkland. At some time in the past a marshy floodplain had turned into a gorgeous oasis of trees and grasses and sand and water, and it was an obvious destination.
They didn’t talk as they made their way towards the huge lagoon which was its centrepiece. There seemed no words.
Being outside seemed strange, almost wrong. Their whole centre for the last three days had been one cubicle in a massive hospital. Now Misty seemed almost numb.
He steered her to a bench shaded by a massive Moreton Bay fig tree and went across to a coffee cart to buy coffee. She took it gratefully—well, she would, hospital coffee was disgusting—sipped a couple of times, then and sat and cradled her cup in both hands.
Time to speak?
Dear heaven, he needed courage to say what he needed to say. What if she refused?
Say it, he ordered himself. Say it, say it, say it.
‘Misty.’ His voice came out as a croak and he had to try again. ‘Misty?’
‘Mmm?’ She turned and faced him, still with that dazed expression.
And the way she looked... His heart twisted and twisted again, then finally his world settled. What he needed to say was right. It was the only thing he could say. If she refused...well, that was her right and he wouldn’t blame her, but he had to try.
He lifted her coffee cup from her hands and placed it on the ground. She made a tiny mew of protest, but he smiled.
‘If it gets cold, I’ll buy you another. I promise.’
‘So...this is more important than coffee?’
‘I think it is,’ he said gently and took her hands in his. ‘Misty, I’ve fallen in love.’
She gazed at him, uncomprehending. ‘With Lily?’
‘Yes,’ he said and his heart was hammering in his chest, because how could he express the way he was feeling? He’d spent the last few days questioning his emotions, pushing himself down dark alleys he’d had no wish to explore, facing emotions he’d blocked for long, wasted years. But finally, he’d accepted what his heart had been trying to tell him from the moment he’d seen Misty in his clinic’s waiting room almost a month before.
‘I do love Lily,’ he said, slowly, sounding out each word as if it might be loaded. ‘I thought I couldn’t, as... Misty, as I thought I couldn’t love you. I was wrong. Stupidly, blindly wrong. It was cowardice, leftover damage from my family’s deaths. But the idea that I could hold myself away from loving, that I could protect myself from pain was just plain dumb. If I hadn’t been here these last days...if I’d been in Melbourne... It was bad enough that I was surfing when Lily needed me. It was bad enough that I wasn’t able to hold you while you needed me.’
‘Me...’
‘Because I love you, Misty,’ he said, growing surer of his words now. ‘I never thought I’d be able to say it—I never thought I’d want to. But your courage, your strength, your honour... Misty, every time I look at you I love you more.’
Silence. She didn’t say a word. She simply sat, her hands in his, an expression on her face that was unreadable.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ he said, too fast now, struggling again to get the words out. ‘I mean...if you don’t want... I know you love Lily and if you want, I’ll back away. Know, though, that I’ll support you in every way I can. I’ll pay every expense Lily incurs and that also means supporting you while you care for her. I’ll pay locum wages so you can get help on the island. Jodie might even stay on—she loves it and if I pay... No matter, I swear you won’t be under financial pressure again, that you’ll have help. But, Misty, there is an alternative.’
‘Which...which is?’
‘That I stay on.’ There, it was said, and he’d never felt so exposed, so open, so raw. This woman... It was impossible that she’d take him. He didn’t deserve it. How could she...
‘I... I could stay on the island,’ he said. ‘Maybe we could buy Sapphire Seas, or maybe we can just do up the doctors’ quarters. We could share the medical needs of the island. We could love Lily and we could love Forrest and Alice. Maybe we could have a dog of our own. Maybe...’ He faltered, but the thing had to be said... ‘Maybe we could even try for a baby ourselves. But all these things...’
He stopped then because tears were tracking down her cheeks. He’d made her cry? Dammit, he’d cut his heart out before he’d do such a thing. He felt ill.
‘Misty, don’t,’ he begged. ‘I won’t say another word. You and Lily and Forrest can go home to your happy ever after, knowing that you’ll be supported by me at a distance. I’ll go back to Melbourne. I won’t ask again...’
‘Stop it,’ she managed. ‘Angus, where’s your handkerchief?’
He felt in his pocket, but no. ‘I didn’t bring one,’ he said blankly.
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, what sort of hero are you?’ she demanded, swiping her sleeve across her face. ‘And what are you saying, go home to my happy ever after without you? What sort of heroine does that make me?’
‘Do you think...?’ he said. ‘Does this mean...? Misty, could you possibly love me?’
‘I think I already do,’ she told him as he gathered her into his arms. As he kissed her and kissed her again. As he held her against his heart and felt that here at last was his home.
And when finally, finally she emerged for long enough to speak, her words confirmed it.
‘Angus Firth, if you really want us—all of us,’ she said, cradling his face, loving him with her smile, ‘then prepare to be loved for a very long time.’