CHAPTER 2

I’VE ALREADY SEEN HELL

1

“So that is how Lady Emilia returned with Crybaby Barusu in tow…”

“Somehow, that sounds like the title of a fairy tale or something…”

Subaru had bawled his eyes out, and Emilia had consoled him. The time of warmth and being pathetic had come to an end.

When their legs brought them out of the tomb, Ram was there to greet them, and having listened to the circumstances, she made the aforementioned kind words. Unfortunately, Subaru, well aware of how pathetic he was, had no mental energy left with which to refute her.

“After having raced inside in such dramatic fashion, he faints just like he did during the day, causing trouble to the Lady Emilia he was supposed to save… Why are you alive exactly?”

“I said I have no mental energy; that’s not a reason to come after me even more, you know?!”

“That’s right, Ram. Subaru was worried about me. Those feelings are precious.”

Ram, unable to conceal her scorn, emitted a heavy sigh as her shoulders fell. When Subaru lodged an objection about her demeanor, Emilia, completely recovered, offered him reassuring support.

Emilia stood at Subaru’s side, angling her refined eyebrows in a dignified manner as she continued.

“Though given that he went out of his way to help me, it is really disappointing that he ended up collapsing all of a sudden and broke down crying from worry after—”

“Emilia-tan? Emilia-tan? I’m going to cry all over again.”

“But—! Lately, Subaru’s done nothing but help me…so a part of me is relieved that Subaru showed me his weak side like that…”

Touching a hand to her chest, Emilia’s words caused Subaru to unwittingly catch his breath.

Emilia had an overinflated view of Subaru’s worth. Up to that point, Subaru had showed her his pathetic side on more than one occasion—this time was only the latest example in the long list of embarrassing moments since they had first met.

“I’m both happy and embarrassed to hear you say that, Emilia-tan, but I don’t really want to show you stuff like that much…”

“Eh, why not?”

“That’s because I always want to show Emilia-tan my cool side. I want you to forget that I’m really a weak, pathetic, totally unsalvageable guy.”

“Sheesh. I won’t hate you just because you show me a few moments of weakness, Subaru.”

Emilia put her hands on her hips, cheeks puffing up in indignation. Subaru tried his best to smile to gloss things over.

Emilia’s words were kind, but Subaru’s vanity didn’t let him gain any comfort from them. His displeasure was completely unrelated to Emilia’s personality and it certainly wasn’t because he was worried about disappointing her—this was simply Subaru’s stubbornness talking.

“Ha! Aren’t you full of yourself? Seeing you act this pigheaded makes it difficult to believe you are fresh from bawling your eyes out.”

“And there Big Sis goes pouring cold water on right when things were going nicely…”

“Now, now, do not say that, Mr. Natsuki. Miss Ram’s demeanor belies her concern. When she had no idea what was occurring inside, Miss Ram was particularly worried out of… Hiii!”

Otto looked quite pleased with himself, but one cross look from Ram instantly made it fade away. No way she’s seriously acting sour because of an adorable reason like that, thought Subaru as he squinted at Ram.

“What?”

“…No, ah, nothing at all.”

But her sharp glare made him beat a hasty retreat as well. Unlike Otto, the damage to him was light because he was more accustomed to facing off against Ram. Either way, Ram and Otto had been there to warmly greet Subaru and Emilia upon their return. That being the case, the remaining issue became quite simple—

“”

His averted gaze fell upon a golden-haired youth standing nearby with his arms folded—Garfiel. The sight made Subaru’s cheeks harden, and he strove to conceal his emotions behind them.

Subaru’s feelings toward Garfiel were exceptionally conflicted. It was a fact that he had temporarily cooperated with Subaru in the battle against the Witch. The memory of his gruesome death was still burned on the back of Subaru’s eyelids. And so Subaru accepted that fact.

—But he also remembered the great many he had cruelly killed in the world prior to that.

That was the reason Subaru couldn’t lower his guard. Especially not right after a Return by Death. The reason for Garfiel’s hostility, the Witch’s miasma, would currently be at its thickest.

How would he move? With Subaru under that tension, Garfiel clacked his fangs and spoke up.

“When ya charged in there, I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen, but I’m relieved ya made it out safe ’n’ sound. I can’t laugh at ya for it; ‘the wind can’t bring down Gafgari on fruit’ ’n’ all!”

“Ow! Hey, wait a— Ow! Owww!”

Garfiel laughed heartily as he violently swatted Subaru’s shoulder.

The slap was hard enough to make Subaru’s entire body go numb, which made him shudder and think, He’s gonna do it with everyone watching?! But he sensed no malice coming from Garfiel’s smiling face. He was simply welcoming Subaru and Emilia back after they returned safe and sound. The reaction was a little—no, absolutely—beyond his expectations.

“That’s…it?”

“Aah? Wha…? Are ya such a crybaby ya need me to rub your head and say it’s all right?”

“Like that’d make anyone feel better. That’s not what I meant but…nah.”

Subaru pulled back his tongue, on the verge of saying something that risked stirring up a hornet’s nest. After all, the current Garfiel didn’t seem to bear him any ill will. That, at least, was something to be welcomed.

“I was kinda worried if I’d stuck around you, you’d look down on me for my body odor…”

“The heck are ya…? Me, I really don’t like bein’ associated with body odor like that.”

“—. Just take that as meaning it’s an issue with my body, would you? More importantly, let’s sit down somewhere before discuss all the fine details. Talking while we’re standing like this isn’t great, right?”

“That’s true. Subaru must be tired from crying so much, after all…”

“Emilia-tan!”

Emilia agreed with Subaru’s point of view while adding further fuel to the crybaby fire. She responded to Subaru’s sorrowful voice by sticking out her tongue. “I’m sorry,” she offered in a cutesy apology.

Forgiving her teasing because of how adorable she was, Subaru harbored a different set of thoughts within his chest.

—This time, unlike all prior runs, Emilia had not become terribly despondent due to failing the Trial.

The trigger for that change was the pathetic reality of Emilia recovering from panic faster than Subaru, but either way, this time she had confronted her past but still retained a strong heart.

It was not set in stone that her mental state would have a positive effect on the Trial going forward, but—

“It’s worth giving it a shot, huh?”

“Mr. Natsuki? Is something the matter?”

“Nothin’ really.”

As the group started to change locations, Otto called out to Subaru when he began lagging behind. Responding with a shrug of his shoulders, Subaru quickly caught up to them.

Emilia’s heart was still unbroken by the Trial and Garfiel remained neutral.

The circumstances surrounding the Sanctuary had shown him different faces upon every repetition. This time proved no exception, but Subaru was keenly aware how this was the most solid starting situation to date.

“After that, it comes down to what I try and what I get out of it, huh?”

To hell with dying for nothing. I have to use death more effectively.

All the death until that point had meaning to it…even the repeated deaths of the world and the Sanctuary.

Hence—

“Making it back from inside that shadow has gotta be worth something.”

His head complained of slight pain. In a corner of his mind rested a lingering memory of being mixed with other people.

Surely something in there could provide some meaning to his death and that chance encounter with the Witch.

2

The party left the tomb, heading toward Ryuzu’s residence, which served as a de facto inn.

Where the conversation passing between them in the guest room was concerned, there was no great change in the issues regarding the Trial. But unlike before, there was the exceptionally major difference that Emilia was participating in that conversation.

Up until the last run, Emilia had been wedged between her sense of duty and her fear toward her past, with the seemingly insurmountable weight causing her to waste away. But this time was different.

“I’m sorry about today. I made everyone worry, and I really caused trouble for Subaru…but I think it’s plain to see that I have to do this.”

Subaru could not tell what everyone thought of Emilia proclaiming her determination at the end of the meeting. But for his part, Subaru was proud of her, feeling a desire to applaud. In fact, he did.

On that note, the day’s meeting came to a conclusion, adjourning so that people might prepare for the morrow.

“Emilia-tan, make sure you bundle up; take your time and rest, okay? If you don’t feel sleepy anymore, I can stay by your bedside from ‘good night’ to ‘good morning’ but…”

“Mmm, I’m completely all right. You need a break as much as I do, don’t you, Subaru? Noon and night makes twice you’ve collapsed in that tomb today, so…”

“Ahhh, I guess it does. Yeah, you’re right. I’ll take care, too.”

As Subaru gave Emilia her send-off to bed, her observation made him scratch his head and give off a vague smile.

Having accepted this change in Emilia, Subaru hadn’t told anyone about him and the tomb—in other words, the fact that he had taken the Trial and overcome the first part.

This was out of consideration for Emilia, for if she knew Subaru had overcome the Trial she had failed, it would make her harbor unnecessary thoughts of self-reproach. If this time, Emilia could preserve a strong mental state, then the results of her second attempt might change as well. He remained hopeful.

And even if the result was the same, the knowledge of that was still something worth obtaining. There was value in trying.

—More importantly, this time Subaru wouldn’t be overly focusing on clearing the tomb.

If he challenged the tomb, he could meet Echidna within the Trial once more. There was no mistake that this would be of aid to him, but at the moment, Subaru lacked the qualifications sufficient to meet her.

His preparations were insufficient. He was still lacking new information, new results, new everything—under these circumstances, even if he met Echidna, it would only amount to her indulging Subaru. He would rather avoid that if he could help it.

Accordingly, Subaru needed to accumulate something that was merited another meeting with the Witch. For that sake as well, Subaru’s current top priority was proving that the “memories” resting inside of his head were not mistaken.

“Ram, I need to talk to you for a second. Is now good?”

“How indecent.”

“You jump to bad-sounding conclusions fast!”

After parting with Emilia, Subaru addressed Ram as she tidied up the guest room.

Staying in the Ryuzu residence were Emilia and Roswaal, and Ram, who was tending to their needs, for three guests total. By rights, Subaru ought to have been spending the night with the people of Earlham Village in the Cathedral but—

“But today I have something that comes first. You remember the promise we discussed before challenging the tomb, right?”

“Of course. But I am surprised that you remembered, Barusu. You had quite a busy time in the tomb, I am sure.”

Though she was obviously referring to him collapsing inside and crying his eyes out, Subaru kept his mouth shut about that. This was after having been laughed at for the Crybaby Barusu incident aplenty. Right now, Subaru had more important things to talk about.

“Anyway, the promise…by which you mean Master Roswaal making time to speak with you, I take it…”

“Because of extenuating circumstances, I want to defer that promise until later. In exchange, Ram, I want a favor from you.”

“How indecent.”

“Don’t make this a running gag!!”

He sighed at the scowl Ram was giving him. He hadn’t gone as far as scrapping the promise completely, but from her demeanor, Ram didn’t think much of Subaru’s arbitrary request. Even so, she shrugged her shoulders.

“—Fine. Master Roswaal did tell me to put myself at Barusu’s disposal. And should this be some manner of vulgar scheme, it is Barusu who will regret it later.”

“Can I just point out that I’m not looking at you with indecent eyes or anything?!”

“I suppose not. What Barusu turns toward Ram is not a gaze of carnal desire but something vaguer.”

The sudden statement perplexed Subaru. However, he immediately realized what she was really getting at. And from Subaru’s perspective, it amounted to being sucker punched from a blind spot.

After all, Ram was asserting that Subaru was looking right through Ram and seeing “someone” else instead.

Even though he’d been trying his best to be careful and avoid this—

“What a pathetic face. It is not a repulsive gaze, though, so I won’t speak of it any further…”

Noticing that Subaru was unsettled made Ram narrow her eyes. This was not exasperation or scorn but an emotion of gloom so thin it was almost invisible to the eye. That made it stab at Subaru’s chest all the more.

Though their personalities differed greatly, that gentleness was commonly shared by the sisters who looked like two peas in a pod.

“”

He thought it his true desire to divulge to Ram every last thing about Rem. He wanted to tell her that she had a doting little sister at the mansion trapped in a slumber from which she could not awaken. Subaru wanted to speak about the feelings, the memories he had for the two of them until he could speak no more.

—But Subaru knew of a world where this had led to Ram’s attempt to sacrifice Rem. The despair and dejection of that moment kept Subaru from speaking of Rem.

A world where Ram abandoned Rem, where the elder sister abandoned the younger, would undoubtedly drive him mad.

“…You had something to ask of Ram?”

“Uh, er?”

“Please close your mouth and stop making that idiotic face. It was not my intention to make you feel bad, Barusu. Ram wishes to carry out Master Roswaal’s instructions. To do that, all that is required is for me to listen to your story.”

“That’s a big help… Er, actually I wanted to ask a favor having to do with Garfiel.”

Graciously going along with Ram’s rare generosity, Subaru finally reached the main issue. The name he brought up as the topic made Ram narrow her eyes just a tad.

“Has something happened with Garf?”

“—. It’s about what’s gonna happen. The odds are pretty high that he’s going to get in the way of my covert activities. If I could have you keep him occupied, I can—”

“Seize the opportunity and give his head a good wham from behind, yes?”

“Even if I did that, wouldn’t it just end with me being sent packing? Geez…”

In fact, Garfiel’s strength was so great that an ordinary person like Subaru wasn’t even in the right dimension required to consider delivering a knockout blow. He’d already seen Garfiel fight three times during their initial encounter, later in his bestial state, and of course, the battle against the Witch, and that was plenty.

Even if Ram actually did charm him, the results of a fight would no doubt be the same. Ram seemed to agree with his assessment.

“While it is true that Garf is rather taken with me, but the one has nothing to do with the other. I assume you require no explanation for how absurdly strong he is.”

“Yeah, if it came to violence, I’d go down in one blow.”

“You would hardly be worth the time. How cheeky of Garf.”

Ram’s manner of speaking was belied by the gentleness in her eyes whenever she spoke about Garfiel. It was impossible to tell precisely what emotions lay behind those pink eyes, and Subaru, failing to glean anything, abandoned the attempt.

Garfiel was an obstacle. He was a wall that needed to be climbed over. There was no room to see him as anything more than that. He’d determined Garfiel to be his foe. If Ram was the most appropriate means for overcoming him, he just needed to make her trust him.

“…There is a disagreeable look in your eyes, Barusu.”

But when Subaru fell silent, Ram murmured as the temperature of her cruel gaze dipping.

“I do not know what you have seen on the way h— No, what you saw in the tomb, but it is unlikely to have been anything good. Compared to the gaze that clearly sees someone else when you look at me, this is far viler.”

“…Quit it with the weird suspicions. All I did in the tomb was sleep. The dream I had wasn’t all that bad.”

The dream—his passing encounter with the white-haired Witch, Echidna, floated up into the back of his mind.

Having conversed with Echidna three times already, he wouldn’t say he knew everything there was to know about the Witch, but her existence was a very big deal so far as Subaru was concerned.

Amid those precious few opportunities, his mind had been saved, he had obtained the strength to move forward, and she had even saved his life.

She was someone he could reveal Return by Death to, someone he could speak to about it—that alone was unspeakably precious.

“”

For a time, Subaru’s black eyes and Ram’s pink eyes stared at each other.

He almost felt like she was reproaching him for having been saved by a Witch, but Subaru denied that with his gaze. It was not clear whether his intent had been properly communicated, but Ram abruptly averted her eyes.

“…I shall draw Garf off. Do whatever wicked deeds you have planned.”

“Thanks, I’m counting on ya… Sorry. You’re not in the wrong. I get that.”

As if to paper over the awkward atmosphere, Subaru appended those words and, not waiting for a reply, made his way out of the room.

When he left the building, the warm breeze filtering through the Sanctuary tickled Subaru’s bangs. Smelling the scent of grass mixed in with the nighttime breeze, Subaru’s legs slowly took him in the direction of the forest. The settlement’s bonfire had already been extinguished, but thanks to the moonlight, his footsteps were steady.

After walking for a little while, he abruptly heard the sound of finger whistling coming from the direction of the Ryuzu residence.

“…Don’t tell me that’s her way of calling Garfiel over?”

Guessing that it was Ram doing whistling, he pictured Garfiel being called over by it in his mind. It made him think that the relationship between them was owner and pet and definitely not that of a man and a woman.

Either way, he was grateful for Ram keeping Garfiel occupied. At the moment, he had bigger worries and priorities than their relationship.

—To determine whether it was true, Subaru arrived at a path that was not a path and entered the heart of the forest.

3

Subaru breathed deeply to endure the powerful, throbbing pain of the memories.

Biting down on his back teeth, thick sweat came onto his brow as he forced open his field of vision, matching the scenery with the memories. He used his arms to part the overgrown vines and branches, advancing into the heart of thick green that even beasts disliked, heading deeper and deeper.

The throbbing memories he gained when he was swallowed by shadow, and his very being had been on the verge of dissolving into the murky water, he saw a ray of hope.

Murky water—that was the only thing he could call that situation. When his existence was whisked into the shadow, melting into the darkness, Subaru was merged with the numerous “consciousnesses” within. These were probably the minds of the victims who had been engulfed by the Witch’s shadow. Subaru had managed to escape only moments before he would have shared their fate.

What followed was fruitlessly losing his life despite fighting his hardest, but Subaru’s living or dying was not important. —Having touched upon the memories of others held in that shadow’s embrace, the fact that he had returned with a part of those thoughts was crucial.

From a fragment cut off from the memories, he had deduced he’d been seeing things wrong, coming up with mistaken answers for important questions. This came via the vile practice of mixing with numerous other people, but even so, the return on investment was exceptionally large.

After all, he’d managed to come back with a great deal, even if it took one of Subaru’s lives to fish it out.

“That leaves confirming what those memories say… The details kinda give me the willies, though.”

With the scenery around him all the color of green, he just couldn’t find the hidden facility inside the forest that was his destination—that hard-to-find white building that Subaru had unwittingly arrived at twice.

The first time was when he’d been incarcerated by Garfiel; the second time, he’d arrived at the place through a teleport via the crystal’s power. Subaru did not know the truth behind the building. But the memories were urging him onward.

They kept urging that this was one of the Sanctuary’s secrets, and believing in this, Subaru continued walking until—

“—Found you.”

In the depths of the forest, Subaru spotted the weathered white structure. He wiped the sweat off his brow.

The building, standing quietly amid the deep green, had an air about it that seemed to reject the entry of people—no, it was not people alone whose entry it rejected. It was animals, insects…everything.

The proof of this was the strange odor prickling Subaru’s nose the instant he spotted the building.

“Ughh…this scent’s still going strong, too, huh?”

Wiping his lips with his sleeve, he didn’t think anyone would enter that structure without a very good reason.

“But I’m going in… Can’t get a tiger’s cub without going into a tiger’s den and all.”

Slowly, carefully, Subaru approached the building’s entrance. The stonework building was fairly weathered, but just like the tomb, there seemed to be no need to worry about it collapsing. Seeing that there was no door, leaving him free to enter and exit through the entrance, he confirmed that there was no sign of human presence as he began his infiltration.

It was fairly dark inside the building, but moonlight filtered in through cracks in the ceiling. Relying upon this to ensure he could still see, Subaru scrupulously inspected the floor and walls as he headed deeper inside.

Subaru had been to that place twice before, once through confinement and once through teleportation, but neither occasion permitted him any leeway to scrutinize the structure, so he’d put studying the place on the back burner. He had come to regret putting many things on the back burner in that fashion. This, too, he now had cause to mourn, but—

“This cavity in the wall… This is from the memory… Gii?!”

Sparks scattered across the backs of Subaru’s eyelids, his eyes becoming teary as he became certain that this and the memories matched together.

As he looked around the facility, there was a room in the farthest reaches that was twice as large as any along the way. This was the room in which Subaru had been held during his captivity. The back wall of the room maintained an unnatural whiteness, as if it had been bleached, and it was here he discovered a strange cavity. The cavity had clearly been purposefully created, and when he timidly peered closer, Subaru thought it looked like a place where you’d hide something.

—No, he did not “think” it. The memories knew. This was where the crystal had been placed.

“Placed but why?”

He took out of his pocket the blue crystal that Frederica had possessed. Having been teleported by it twice over, Subaru handled the stone with great care as he placed it within the cavity.

Maybe something will happen or maybe nothing will happen—but the instant after he had the thought…

“—?!!”

The instant the crystal left his hand, light gushed from it. The dazzling blue made Subaru’s breath catch as he instantly shielded his face with his arm. Then he slowly squinted toward the light, and…

“…Oh come on.”

He unwittingly let his voice trickle out. The blue light generated from the center of the cavity gradually waned. In the place the light vanished from was— No, rather, the issue was what wasn’t: the white wall that ought to have been there.

The wall with the cavity vanished, and so came to be an entrance to another room hidden behind it. Then, when Subaru looked at what was in the hidden room, he was at a loss for words.

At the center of the room was enshrined a huge crystal large enough to just wrap his arms around it.

—On the inside of the beautiful blue light was a curled-up girl, her body sealed inside the crystal.

“Th-this…is…”

Wobbly, Subaru entered the room with a precarious gait, drawing nearer to the crystal.

The sight stole his eyes away. Such was the extent of the surreal beauty before him.

The blue transparent crystal put on display a girl so beautiful it was tragic. The impression given was near to that of a block of ice, but unlike ice, which could be melted to free someone from it, the crystal was eternal so long as it remained unbroken. And breaking the crystal would be the same thing as breaking the girl’s life.