‘Phew. That’s it! It’s officially Christmas!’
Freya unwound her scarf and tossed it on to the sofa in her cottage. ‘If anyone’s oven goes up in smoke or their TV decides to give up the ghost for the King’s speech, they’ll have to manage.’
‘You don’t mean that,’ Travis said, taking her coat from her shoulders.
‘Well, we’re now officially closed though we do technically offer emergency cover. Luckily, I won’t have to do something about it. I did my duty for the last two years and now Hamish is on call … not that there’s a chance any of the tradespeople will want to go out during their Christmas dinners. Talking of which, that smells good.’
‘It’s tagine but wait until you taste it before you get too excited.’
After he’d hung up her coat, he urged her into the kitchen where the table was laid ready for dinner, with glasses beside it. To anyone watching through the window, you’d think they were any other couple, finally relaxing after the hectic run-up to, or maybe preparing for Christmas Day itself.
How different reality was. They wouldn’t be spending most of the day together. Freya had already decided she wouldn’t be languishing on the sofa watching cheesy movies all day. It was forecast to be crisp and cold so she’d decided to take herself off for a long walk on the fells, with a flask of hot toddy. Maybe, with few people around, she might even glimpse a red squirrel …
Last night after the concert, after Seb’s unexpected appearance, Travis had been in a pensive mood. She could tell he was feeling emotional and instead of dragging her off to bed as he’d promised, their lovemaking had been slow and tender.
She hadn’t told him that she’d persuaded Seb to play at the concert. It was to remain a secret between the two of them.
Travis returned with two large glasses of red wine and a bowl of tortilla chips. ‘Thanks.’ She popped a chip in her mouth then had a sudden thought. ‘Oh! I have a present for you.’
He wagged his finger. ‘I thought we agreed. No presents.’
‘This isn’t a present. It’s a leftover. I’d have to chuck it away if I didn’t bring it. Hold on a minute.’ Getting up again, she went into the hallway and returned with a large wicker hamper.
‘Wow. Some leftover.’
She put it on the kitchen counter. ‘It was meant for one of the luxury places down by the lake but they cancelled at the last minute so I couldn’t let it go to waste.’ It contained a ham, local chutneys, pâté, a bottle of fizz, fine wines, luxury chocolates and more.
He examined a jar of posh olives. ‘You could feed half of Bannerdale with this.’
‘You could and so I thought – maybe you could take it to lunch with you at Bree’s?’
‘Maybe I could …’ He held the jar in his hand. ‘Or maybe you could come with me and give it to Bree yourself?’
Taken aback, Freya gave a nervous laugh. ‘I don’t think that would go down very well.’
‘With Bree – or with you?’
‘You’re serious, aren’t you?’ She shook her head. ‘It’s not fair on Bree and besides, big family lunches aren’t for me.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Nothing. Ignore me.’ She walked out of the kitchen to the sitting room but Travis followed swiftly. He caught her hand and pulled her into his arms. ‘No way, you can’t come out with a statement like that and not explain yourself.’
‘I – it’s to do with Jos.’ Why had she blurted it out? It wasn’t something she wanted to discuss, especially not on Christmas Eve but it was too late now. She sat down on the sofa and Travis sat beside her.
‘I want to hear your side of the story.’
She stared at him. ‘My side? What do you mean?’
‘Jos … came into the gallery on the day it opened. He had his arse in his hands and he thought it was a good moment to let me know that you split up before the wedding.’
‘On your opening day?’ Freya said, horrified. ‘What did he say?’
‘Not … that much other than he still didn’t know why you’d dumped him. I – I could see he was bitter and he’s still not over you. I’m sorry I even mentioned it.’
‘No. Don’t be sorry. I wish he’d let go, I mean properly let go. Every time I see him, I feel guilty but I wouldn’t change anything – apart from telling him sooner. I should have been honest with him from the moment I first realised I’d been living a lie. It was in the middle of Sunday lunch at his parents’ house.’
She picked up the glass and took a large gulp.
Travis let out a whistle. ‘You told them it was off over the roast beef?’
‘Not actually at the table, though believe me, my appetite had gone.’ She thought back to the moment she was watching Jos’s family as they handed around the roast potatoes and gravy: a normal family ritual for them. The moment she realised she didn’t belong and never would – and that she would have to break Jos’s heart and turn herself into a villain.
‘I realised I couldn’t go through with it. It was two weeks before the big day and his parents had invited us for a pre-wedding lunch with all the family, at their house. You know the one: down by the lake not far from the hotel.’
‘The massive Arts and Crafts place? They still live there?’
‘Yes. It was meant to be a relaxing “family get-together”, with the two of us, his parents, his sister and brother and their families.’ She forced herself to return to that perfect June day at the beautiful old house, with its carefully tended gardens in full bloom … ‘His nephews and nieces running around and playing in the treehouse with their mums and dads.’
‘Sounds idyllic,’ Travis muttered.
‘On the face of it. Jos was chasing them and they were laughing. He was loving it. It was all normal stuff, but I was so on edge, I was almost shaking. At first I told myself it was only pre-wedding nerves. I don’t think I’d been to a formal meal with the whole clan before. When you come from a small family, like me and Mum, big tribal gatherings can be totally overwhelming.’
‘I don’t think Mum ever held a formal lunch party,’ Travis said drily.
‘No and I don’t think you’d want to, if it was anything like the Beresfords’.’
Freya thought back to the glossy-haired sister and sister-in-law, his brother and brother-in-law discussing fine wines, his father advising them both on their ‘portfolios’ and his mother making her expectations clear. ‘They’re so perfect, so polished and …’ She felt disloyal. ‘They’re not bad people, they’re just so comfortable in and with their world, and assume everyone is the same.’
‘Even Jos?’ Travis asked.
‘Even him. I felt that he’d merged with his tribe the moment he stepped through the door of his parents’ house. As if – I hope this doesn’t sound stupid – he picked up a coat at the door and slipped it on and he was one of the clan again.’
‘It doesn’t sound stupid … and maybe I should admire him because I haven’t looked after my clan like I should.’
‘That’s not true! You’re nothing like him.’
‘So what happened at this tribal gathering?’ Travis put in.
‘His mother, Fiona, took me upstairs. She claimed she wanted to get my opinion on her wedding outfit, but we passed Jos’s old room on the way.’
‘Wow. Don’t say he still had his signed posters of David Beckham on the walls?’
‘You’ve been in there?’ Freya said.
‘No, but he was always boasting about them at football practice. His dad knew someone on the Man U board.’
She had to smile. ‘No, it had been redecorated very tastefully. It overlooked the garden and she showed me inside. I’d never been in there before. No reason when we always stayed at his place or my cottage.’
He nodded, rather stiffly, so she went on.
‘She was showing me the view over the gardens from his window. The kids were playing out there and she was sighing over them when I noticed Jos in the bedroom doorway. His mother hadn’t seen him and I can’t forget what she said: “Of course, your little ones will be playing out there one day. In the future, the not-too-distant future, I hope. Time has a habit of flying by, Freya and you’re the wrong side of thirty so I wouldn’t wait too long.”’
Travis wrinkled his nose. ‘Ouch. Not a woman for subtlety, then.’
‘No and Jos didn’t say anything either. Not even “Hold on a minute, Mum,” or “We haven’t decided whether we want kids”. Because we hadn’t talked about it, either of us, and now I think about it, that was a mistake because I realised we both had different expectations. It’s not that I don’t want any, I just didn’t want people making assumptions.’
Travis murmured, ‘I understand how that feels.’
‘And then, over lunch, his father started talking about private schools. The little ones were all at private nurseries and pre-prep.’
‘Jesus.’
‘And it turned out they all had their names down at the big schools already. The older ones were going to board … and Jos’s brother said, half-jokingly: “You two had better get your skates on, there’s a five-year waiting list for Bodgem Towers.”’
Travis’s eyes widened. ‘Please tell me that’s not the actual name of this school?’
‘No! It’s not.’ She sighed. ‘I can’t even remember, I was so … so dumbfounded and shocked. I couldn’t answer. I just laughed it off, while churning away inside. And Jos just said: “Don’t worry, I’ll have it all in hand”. Not even “We’ll have it in hand” – he just assumed I’d go along with it, feel the same way, and I thought how selfish of me to feel so angry and cheated when I could have all this privilege.’ She stopped. It was too late to feel disloyal to Jos now, she may as well tell Travis everything. ‘We had a row about it afterwards and he said as much.’
‘Hold on a minute,’ Travis said bluntly. ‘No matter how upset he was, he was out of order to patronise you like that. I’d have been bloody furious with him.’
‘I wasn’t furious. I was sad. I was devastated because I knew in that moment, that this was not the path I wanted to take in life. It wasn’t my path, but it very much was Jos’s. I hadn’t realised before – I think I was in denial, so swept up in the whole him and me thing. I thought I could have Jos and that would be it.’
She paused for breath before going on. ‘You marry someone, you can’t separate them from their family, from the expectations they have. You can’t simply siphon off that one person, you have to take everything that comes with them, whether you like it or not, and you shouldn’t and I didn’t want to. So that evening, when we went back to his flat, I told him it was over.’
Shock flickered across Travis’s face, fleeting but impossible to miss. In that moment, she knew he was empathising with Jos, knowing how he’d felt.
‘I’m guessing it didn’t go well,’ he said softly.
‘No. He was angry, devastated, humiliated, hurt. I didn’t blame him. I would have been. I offered to pay for the wedding and he said: “Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t possibly afford it.”’
‘Charming.’
‘He was right, of course. I’d sunk most of my savings into expanding Cottage Angels but I didn’t want to be in debt to him. I said I’d re-mortgage my cottage or borrow it from Mum and he laughed at me and marched out. I thought he’d get over me.’
‘I don’t think he has,’ Travis said. ‘Did he try to change your mind?’
‘He was convinced there was someone else even though I tried to explain that I would never fit in with his life. Like I said, they’re not bad people, but I realised they would never ever be my people. I would never be like them. I didn’t want to be.’
‘I get that,’ he said. ‘Trying to be someone you’re not – to live a lie – would finish me too, but even though Jos’s lot are a tribal gang doesn’t mean you won’t be welcome at Bree’s. You said yourself that my family aren’t like his and this would only be one day – one meal, with no expectations,’
‘Yes, but Bree won’t be expecting me.’
‘She won’t mind. She’ll have plenty of food in and we can take the hamper contribution.’ He smiled wickedly. ‘That champagne will help.’
Freya didn’t think a bottle of fizz would compensate Bree for her brother’s ex turning up on her doorstep, uninvited.
‘If I do turn up, there will be expectations because she’ll know.’
‘Know what?’ Travis said airily. ‘That we’re shagging each other?’
‘Well, yes.’
‘So?’ He shrugged. ‘What’s wrong with that? I don’t want you spending the day on your own roaming around the fells. What if you fell in a ravine or—’
‘I’m not going to fall off a cliff. I’ll be fine.’
He narrowed his eyes and spoke more seriously. ‘OK, let’s try this way. What if I don’t want to spend the day without you. There’s a subtle difference.’
Her reply was snatched away. Him needing her – wanting her to go because he wanted to share the whole day with her – was different to him feeling guilty about leaving her.
‘It feels a bit too …’ Perilously close to a real relationship was the thought running through her head, but Travis seemed to have read her mind.
‘Screw the contract for one day. Let’s do the stuff a real couple would. Everyone has Christmas Day off, after all. Then we can go back to the rampant no-strings sex tomorrow.’
He made her laugh. He always did, so why did she have the feeling they were playing a dangerous game?