Freya woke to a cold bed and a note on the pillow.
Gone to take photographs of deer on Hart Fell. Back later. X
Boxing Day. It seemed appropriate, given the conflict of yesterday. There had been a time, for a few hours, when she’d forgotten that she and Travis weren’t a ‘real’ couple. Bree had done her best to make Freya welcome, and she’d loved the family banter over the dinner table and playing with the kids. Rosie and Dylan were adorable … then the conversation over the baby monitor had doused any fuzzy festive feeling with icy water.
She couldn’t blame Bree for trying to look out for her brother; it’s what she’d always done. Travis must have been hurt more deeply than even he’d hinted at, and his reply told her that he’d hardened up since – or had he?
Did he still have deep feelings for her and was only putting on a show of bravado in front of Bree?
It had been a strange and disturbing evening. After they’d got home, Freya had half-heartedly watched a movie and replied to a message from her mum. She’d sent several photos of herself and Neil holding up a Happy Christmas sign and posted more pictures on her Instagram feed. Tagged #thecaptainstable and #AmericanChristmas, they showed her and Neil raising glasses with a bunch of strangers in black tie and cocktail wear.
This morning, Travis was gone.
After a soak in the tub, Freya picked up her phone which had been charging. She hadn’t had chance to look at her mum’s Insta feed since then, so she opened the app now and scrolled to the latest photo on the account.
What?
No.
Her thumb froze on the screen. She must be dreaming.
Her mother and Neil were wearing cowboy hats and standing outside the Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas, with a grinning Elvis lookalike in the middle of them. They were holding up their hands and the caption read:
Freya blinked and checked out the hashtags. #justmarried #tiedthenot #WeddedBliss #vegaswedding
The phone clattered onto the tiles.
Freya breathed in and out again, trying to process what she’d seen. She’d no idea her mum and Neil were going to Vegas, let alone getting married – and to see it on Instagram without any warning was a hell of a shock.
She picked up her phone to find it still working and buzzing with a WhatsApp call. Her mum and Neil appeared on the screen with neon signs behind them and ‘Hound Dog’ playing in the background.
‘Freya!’ her mother shouted above the music. ‘Thank goodness we’ve caught you! you. It’s the early hours here but we had to get hold of you before you saw it on Instagram. You’re not going to believe this but we’ve got married!’
‘Indeed, we have.’ Neil slid his arm around her mum’s shoulders.
‘It was all very last minute but Neil proposed yesterday and while we were in Vegas, we just decided to go for it!’
The seconds ticked by as Freya took in what her mum and Neil were saying.
‘Freya?’
She came to her senses and her reply gushed out. ‘Oh, oh, that’s wonderful news. Congratulations. To both of you.’
‘Neil bought me a ring,’ her mother said, lifting the pendant from her tanned chest. ‘It’s slightly too big so I’ve put it on this chain for now. It’s so beautiful though, with a lovely ruby and diamond. I can’t wait to show you when I get home.’
She lifted the pendant over her head and held the ring up to the camera. It sparkled in the neon lights. Freya felt her eyes swim. Seeing her mum so happy was wonderful but the news had knocked her for six.
‘It’s beautiful …’
‘Thank you, darling. I know this must come as a huge shock but really, when Neil asked me, I thought – why wait? Life’s far too short and all that. We can have proper party with you and all our friends and family when we get back.’
‘Your mum has made me the happiest man on the planet,’ Neil said. ‘I hope you’ll forgive me?’
‘Forgive you?’ Freya said, still struggling to take in the news. ‘There’s nothing to forgive if you’ve made my mum happy and I know you have.’ He really did sound so desperate for her approval, and looked ecstatic, how could she ever not forgive him? ‘I can’t wait to celebrate with you when you come home. Congratulations to you both.’
After more details about the impromptu ceremony and promises to send her lots more private photos of the wedding, the call ended with kisses and smiles.
Freya lowered her phone, taking a deep breath. Of course she was pleased for her mum and Neil. Of course she was thrilled to see such joy on their faces. Of course she’d never ever want her mother to be lonely.
And yet … this was a momentous change in everyone’s lives, even though she was a mature adult. Her mum and her – it had been the two of them for so long, they’d been through so much and now Neil was part of their lives.
Another realisation niggled at her: it felt as if everyone was getting their happy ending – or happy beginning. No matter how thrilled she tried to be for her mother, a wall of loneliness hit her. Of course, she wasn’t the only person in the world who hadn’t settled down with a partner but in this moment, it felt that way.
She went upstairs to her room and pulled out a little folding step so she could reach the furthest corner in the back of the wardrobe. Under a pile of summer tops, was a tin that had once contained mints. She took it out and sat on the bed, staring at it before finally picking it up.
The lid was stiff because it hadn’t been open for so long. Inside was a small leather box, still as pristine as the moment she’d been given it.
The ring sparkled in the muted light of a Lakeland winter morning, not as brightly as her mother’s, yet still a tiny beacon of hope – or a poignant reminder of love lost.
Travis had loved her once, and she’d loved him. She’d been right to give him up.
Now, she had a second chance if she only she could be brave enough and seize the moment, but the risk was high.
The sun was shining outside. She was like a cat on a hot tin roof, unable to settle. Snatching her coat from the peg, she strode out of the cottage and headed for the hills. her breath misted the air as she powered relentlessly up the same path that Travis had taken before dawn.
Only when her lungs were about to burst and her heart was thumping, did she pause for a rest. To the north, the horseshoe ridge of fells above the village was dusted with snow while Windermere stretched out to the south, sliding towards the low hills where its waters spilled into the river and sea. She paused, watching a fairy-lit ferry decanting passengers at the pier.
When she turned, Travis had emerged from the woodland higher up the fell. He waved and strode along the path from the woods, making straight for her.
If she was going to say anything, why not now, out here in the open? The thought made her stomach clench. Waiting another day, another hour wouldn’t make any difference. The time had come.
He was smiling as he approached, oblivious of what she was about to launch at him.
‘Hi.’
‘How was the photo trip?’
‘OK. Good. I got a few pictures of the stags. Sussed out a new location for a future workshop. The old bothy by the falls at Sweden Bridge.’
‘I know it. It’s beautiful.’
‘Yeah.’ He frowned, clearly sensing something was amiss. ‘Is everything OK?’
She forced a smile. ‘It’s fine. More than fine. Mum called me. She and Neil have got married.’
He dumped his camera bag on the ground. ‘Married? Bloody hell. Can you do that?’
‘You can in Vegas.’
‘Did they plan it?’
‘Not as far as I know. They’ve been friends for years. Neil’s a widower and Mum worked with his partner before she died a few years ago. I thought they’d stay as friends but then they started seeing each other last spring. I hadn’t realised things had gone this far.’
Travis studied her face. ‘You like him, though?’ he said.
‘Yeah, he’s nice. Steady, kind … he seems to worship Mum. It’s just …’
‘What?’
‘Weird. There’s always just been Mum and me. There have been other men, on and off, but no one like Neil.’
‘That’s a long time to be alone,’ he murmured.
‘Yes, of course and I want her to be happy. No one deserves it more but I never noticed any grand passion.’
‘Does there have to be one?’
‘I guess I must think that. Otherwise I’d have stuck with Jos, wouldn’t I? I didn’t love him enough.’
‘Are there degrees of love?’ Travis asked. ‘Levels of it? You can’t love someone ninety percent. Not when it comes to a lifetime commitment. It’s all or nothing.’
‘Or all of your heart for a while. People change, Travis.’
He frowned deeply. ‘You mean us?’
‘Yes. I tried to tell you this at the time. We were young and Mum needed me. She was terrified that things would go wrong between us.’
‘And that I was the wrong man for you?’
‘Yes.’
‘Did you think that too?’
‘We were young. It could have and probably would have gone wrong. It might not have lasted.’
‘So much doubt … and now?’ he demanded.
Now, she wanted to shout: she was as much in love now as she had been all those years ago. She had no excuse now of teenage crush. Should she tell him and risk everything? Then she remembered what she’d overheard at Bree’s.
Was he merely putting Bree off the scent or did he mean it?
If she didn’t take a chance now, she’d never know the answer – just like her mother and Neil, she had to go for it.
‘What if I wanted more?’ she said lightly.
‘But you don’t, do you? That wasn’t part of the bargain.’
‘No, it wasn’t.’ She laughed. ‘Forget I said it.’
She knew he couldn’t forget she said it. Neither of them could. She’d opened the lid of the box, just a little bit but the genie was out and it was an unstoppable force and not a kind one.
‘I can’t forget you said it, Freya.’
‘OK. We agreed that our arrangement should end if something changed between us. Well, I heard you on the baby monitor at Bree’s. I heard you say that you weren’t in any danger of falling in love with me, and it made me wonder – ask myself – if you really meant it? Because I’m not sure I can keep the bargain. I want something more.’
This should be the part where he threw his arms around her and declared he felt the same. Instead, he let out a low groan.
‘I’m sorry you heard that conversation but,’ he added softly, ‘you spent so long telling me you don’t want more. That you’re not cut out for long term. This is such an about turn. They were your terms.’
‘It’s not an about turn. I’ve been fooling myself.’
‘Are you sure?’ His eyes were troubled. ‘What exactly is fooling yourself?’
‘I get it,’ Freya said, her hopes sinking faster by the second. ‘Is this some kind of punishment for me leaving you the first time?’
‘Punishment?’ He flinched as if she’d slapped him. ‘I … could never do that to you. It’s not punishment, or revenge. It’s self-protection. I don’t want to get hurt and you’re right. I thought I could do this too. I can’t.’
Where were the bells, the fanfares, fireworks exploding – the rush into each other’s arms? Where was the rom-com dream ending, credits rolling as they kissed in the rain, against the rising crescendo of a show-stopping anthem?
‘There’s nothing I can do to prove that it will last again and maybe it won’t,’ she said, at last. ‘I can’t guarantee that neither of us will be hurt either.’
‘I wouldn’t ask you to.’ He shoved his hands though his hair. ‘I … didn’t expect this. I’ve no answer but I do know I couldn’t face ending up like Jos, being left on my own after giving everything again. I’m sorry but I just can’t do it while I can’t trust how you really feel, Freya.’
Jos again – not trusting her again. She’d let people down too often so how could she be surprised Travis wouldn’t take the risk? The past was impossible to escape.
‘Thank you for being honest,’ she said, withering inside. ‘Maybe it’s best that we spend some time apart …’ Even as the words left her lips, every cell screamed at him to refuse the offer, say it was the last thing he wanted, tell her he felt the same.
He couldn’t even meet her eye. ‘Maybe. Yes. That’s probably a good idea.’